People seem cold inside to me.

[RedRain]

I was going to make the title less abrasive, but it was getting in the way of me being honest.

The majority of people I interact with seem very cold-hearted. I'm not just talking about people I interact with in person. I am talking about everyone.

Everyone has a face they put on when interacting with other people, but anyone I start getting to know seems less and less friendly.

There are only a few people in my life who it didn't seem like this was the case with.

I guess I'm trying to say I don't find there are many people who it seems genuinely care about others. To me, it seems most people are only concerned with other people insofar as those other people can help themselves.

I know this seems very judgmental and most people will think it isn't something I can know, but it is what I perceive to be the case and have for a very long time.

I'm not expecting anyone to be of much help, mostly because I find I can't trust what most people say because of the attitude I feel with it, but I guess I am posting this in case anyone has some insight I haven't thought of before.

I am willing to listen, but I may not respond.

[James81]

You seem cold to me. Very cold, actually. You put out a very cold vibe.

But it's an honest vibe. Or it seems honest anyway. That is, I don't get the feeling like you are bullshitting us or saying things other than exactly what you are thinking.

I've suspected at times that you're just trolling us, but that's just because it seems like you are miserable and I'd hate to think that that was real.

Not sure what else to tell you, really. I am intrigued by your posts, and I enjoy the honesty you put forth. I'd like to help you, but I honestly don't know how.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by RedRain

I'm not expecting anyone to be of much help, mostly because I find I can't trust what most people say because of the attitude I feel with it

If you filter everything and everyone through this...then what you look for, eventually you find. I'm not saying you should trust everyone blindly but still...
I'm sorry you feel that way.

[Angela]

I feel like my friendly, warm communication to you has been coldly rebuffed for the most part -- like you either don't notice the warmth or you don't want it.

Even your saying:

I am willing to listen, but I may not respond.

has it occurring for me like I'm talking into an icy void.

But once in awhile, I've seen you be warm, like with elucidate recently - and it seemed like it was unfamiliar territory for you, like you weren't quite sure how to proceed along those lines.

Have you ever heard the saying, "We don't see people how they are; we see people how WE are."? I suspect that the more you move into practicing being warm and friendly, the more you'll notice it in others, if that's what you choose to do. That has been my very powerful experience -- whatever I'm being, it shows up in a big way all around me.

Would you like to have more warmth in your life?

[jawillie]

Have you considered that what we believe in life creates what we see, and we actually can change our beliefs? I don't know. It's something I have found to change a lot of my life, anyway. Doesn't mean you will never get stung by a cold act from another, but you will also be seeing all the warm and lovey things humans do, too. What we focus on does tend to expand.

[Cochonette]

Very true what the others say. Intimacy is about trust. If there's no trust, there's no intimacy. You have just said that you have no trust of others. Well, no freakin' wonder you feel no intimacy! You have to trust people. You have to trust their warmth and beauty. A very intimate person goes around and not only sees warmth in others, but creates or brings it out. I have met some very intimate people who showed me just how warm the universe could be... just how beautiful... they brought out an incredible warmth in me that I never knew I had. There was an intimate person in my life once who I lived with for 8.5 months... and at the end of it, my trust for her was so profound that I realized, for the first time in my life, that I was actually capable of loving... truly loving. I didn't believe I could before then... I was so miserable and full of doubt... this one person had faith in me, though, and at long last my faith in her opened up something huge in me....

When you are warm, people will look into your eyes and see it, feel it, and they will feel filled with warmth themselves. If you are cold, people will feel it and feel cold toward you and you shall never see their warmest side unless you seek it out deliberately. If you're lucky, you will meet someone as I did who just clicks so perfectly with your mind - and loves you - that it won't have to be so deliberate; you will just see this person and know.... their warmth will just make sense to you because of a deep affinity you have.... it takes a very sharp knife to cut through something so cold with so little effort.

You complain about the selfishness of others, but that is just a reflection of yourself. Selfishness is a fact of our finite existence..... so what about it? It can be cold or warm... you find yourself in a cold selfishness. It's totally possible to find your way out. This thread you wrote is a plea for warmth... you obviously want it, which tells me you have warmth inside of you. It's not easy, but if you want it you will have to cultivate it. A seed does not sprout without water.

Selfishness is not inherently cold... Pluto is a cold, cold rock, but the Sun is a ginormous ball of explosive heat... both of them are selfish - they are all about this gravitational pull inward. Pluto has a moon that it sucks inward, and the Sun has a bunch of planets it keeps as slaves who can never escape. But Pluto just sits there rock solid while the Sun is in an incredible nuclear motion within itself. The Sun warms the Earth and makes life possible. It's possible for you to be the Sun... you are made of stardust and solar-powered life anyway. ; )

[shauna]

Originally Posted by RedRain

I was going to make the title less abrasive, but it was getting in the way of me being honest.

The majority of people I interact with seem very cold-hearted. I'm not just talking about people I interact with in person. I am talking about everyone.

Everyone has a face they put on when interacting with other people, but anyone I start getting to know seems less and less friendly.

There are only a few people in my life who it didn't seem like this was the case with.

I guess I'm trying to say I don't find there are many people who it seems genuinely care about others. To me, it seems most people are only concerned with other people insofar as those other people can help themselves.

I know this seems very judgmental and most people will think it isn't something I can know, but it is what I perceive to be the case and have for a very long time.

I'm not expecting anyone to be of much help, mostly because I find I can't trust what most people say because of the attitude I feel with it, but I guess I am posting this in case anyone has some insight I haven't thought of before.

I am willing to listen, but I may not respond.

What we believe becomes true for us. It's that simple.

If you believe that people are cold and uncaring, then that is exactly what you will get in your life. If you see people as untrusting, then that is exactly what they will be to you. Untrusting.

[shauna]

Originally Posted by jawillie

Have you considered that what we believe in life creates what we see, and we actually can change our beliefs? I don't know. It's something I have found to change a lot of my life, anyway. Doesn't mean you will never get stung by a cold act from another, but you will also be seeing all the warm and lovey things humans do, too. What we focus on does tend to expand.

You do know!
For what you posted is truth!

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by Angela

I feel like my friendly, warm communication to you has been coldly rebuffed for the most part -- like you either don't notice the warmth or you don't want it.

Even your saying: has it occurring for me like I'm talking into an icy void.

But once in awhile, I've seen you be warm, like with elucidate recently - and it seemed like it was unfamiliar territory for you, like you weren't quite sure how to proceed along those lines.

Have you ever heard the saying, "We don't see people how they are; we see people how WE are."? I suspect that the more you move into practicing being warm and friendly, the more you'll notice it in others, if that's what you choose to do. That has been my very powerful experience -- whatever I'm being, it shows up in a big way all around me.

Would you like to have more warmth in your life?

This

I used to experience a lot of coldness myself. I was a very cold and clinical person for a very, very long time, and that's the only energy I ever received from anyone. It wasn't until I myself started warming up that I started to experience warmth from other people.

[sorter]

I'm sure your perception that people seem very cold-hearted is correct in
contrast to your (implied) expectation or wish that they were warmer.
The expectation in and of itself is not the issue. Expectations can be positive.
You obviously don't accept that people are as cold as you perceive.
"I'm not expecting anyone to be of much help".
If you did fully accept it, you'd barely notice it. You'd think it's normal.
You wouldn't think you need help with anything.

So, my advice would be to fully accept that people are what they are.
How do you do that?
Use the therapeutic power of the question.
Ask yourself, repeatedly, how your feelings are valid and how they can help you.
The power is when your mind is searching for the answers and bringing
many of your faculties and many parts of yourself into play.
The answers you get aren't usually important.

Once fully accepted, you won't get stuck on the fact that people are cold at times.
You'll be more open and aware of when they (and you) are warm.

Notice I'm not saying you've been doing anything wrong or that you need to change anything about yourself.
I'm saying that accepting yourself more will take you were you need to go.
The idea that you're seeing in others what is really true of you (projection), might be valid and it might not.
Either way, I've never found it very useful.

AND. I admire your honesty. I don't think most people would admit to antisocial feelings especially here.
.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

This

I used to experience a lot of coldness myself. I was a very cold and clinical person for a very, very long time, and that's the only energy I ever received from anyone. It wasn't until I myself started warming up that I started to experience warmth from other people.

It seems so strange... we don't like to think of love and warmth as something learned. We have this romantic ideal that it's just either there or not. Well, that's why it's important to speak to this frame of mind - in a sense it is already there. But still, we must learn to see it, to experience it.

I just thought of something I can work on right now as far as perceiving warmth. Mmm.

[RedRain]

Originally Posted by sorter

I'm sure your perception that people seem very cold-hearted is correct in
contrast to your (implied) expectation or wish that they were warmer.
The expectation in and of itself is not the issue. Expectations can be positive.
You obviously don't accept that people are as cold as you perceive.
"I'm not expecting anyone to be of much help".
If you did fully accept it, you'd barely notice it. You'd think it's normal.
You wouldn't think you need help with anything.

So, my advice would be to fully accept that people are what they are.
How do you do that?
Use the therapeutic power of the question.
Ask yourself, repeatedly, how your feelings are valid and how they can help you.
The power is when your mind is searching for the answers and bringing
many of your faculties and many parts of yourself into play.
The answers you get aren't usually important.

Once fully accepted, you won't get stuck on the fact that people are cold at times.
You'll be more open and aware of when they are warm.

Notice I'm not saying you've been doing anything wrong or that you need to change anything about yourself.
I'm saying that accepting yourself more will take you were you need to go.
The idea that you're seeing in others what is really true of you (projection) might be valid and it might not.
Either way, I've never found it very useful.
.

I'm not sure I understand. I fear accepting my perception that people are cold because I believe it will plunge me into an inescapable and all-consuming loneliness.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by RedRain

I'm not sure I understand. I fear accepting my perception that people are cold because I believe it will plunge me into an inescapable and all-consuming loneliness.

What's the opposite of loneliness, RedRain?

[sorter]

Originally Posted by RedRain

I'm not sure I understand. I fear accepting my perception that people are cold because I believe it will plunge me into an inescapable and all-consuming loneliness.

To be clear, I'm not saying you should believe that people are cold.
I'm talking more about accepting your feelings.

I'm guessing you've been noticing when people are really cold and you don't like it so you're stuck on it to some degree.
That's preventing you from seeing all the other things people are.
I've certainly been there.

People are cold at times. Or sometimes they're just not noticing you when you want them to.
If you accept that, then it's not a problem. It just is.
You can easily figure out how you want to deal with it.

The way to accept something that you don't is to use questions like I described.

What I'm talking about is basically exposure therapy.
People who haven't done that to some degree usually don't see how
facing discomfort is a way to resolve it.
You might think your feelings would get worse if you face them but I think you'll find that's not true.
It might feel that way at first but if you stick with them, after awhile you'll wonder why you were ever bothered about them.
Running from fear or anxiety usually keeps both alive.
They'll always catch you.
.

[James81]

Here's a quick and dirty thing you could start doing right now if you wanted to experience some warmth.

In every person you meet, try your damnedest to find just ONE thing you can compliment them on. (No, don't BS them...make it an honest compliment.) And just start doing that.

I can attest to the value of this. I definitely feel more connected to people if I can honestly compliment them on something.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by James81

Here's a quick and dirty thing you could start doing right now if you wanted to experience some warmth.

In every person you meet, try your damnedest to find just ONE thing you can compliment them on. (No, don't BS them...make it an honest compliment.) And just start doing that.

I can attest to the value of this. I definitely feel more connected to people if I can honestly compliment them on something.

Good idea. I am complimenting you on this post.

[AlmostGodess]

I cannot remember when was the last time I met a cold-hearted person, we might live on slightly different planets Allow people to wear their masks and give them reasons to put their masks down.

Do you laugh often at others people jokes? Do people laugh at your jokes? Do you hug and kiss, outside family? How do you hug and kiss within your family?

[RedRain]

Originally Posted by sorter

To be clear, I'm not saying you should believe that people are cold.
I'm talking more about accepting your feelings.

I'm guessing you've been noticing when people are really cold and you don't like it so you're stuck on it to some degree.
That's preventing you from seeing all the other things people are.
I've certainly been there.

People are cold at times. Or sometimes they're just not noticing you when you want them to.
If you accept that, then it's not a problem. It just is.
You can easily figure out how you want to deal with it.

The way to accept something that you don't is to use questions like I described.

What I'm talking about is basically exposure therapy.
People who haven't done that to some degree usually don't see how
facing discomfort is a way to resolve it.
You might think your feelings would get worse if you face them but I think you'll find that's not true.
It might feel that way at first but if you stick with them, after awhile you'll wonder why you were ever bothered about them.
Running from fear or anxiety usually keeps both alive.
They can always out run you.
.

This is reminding me of a passage from the Bible(I was educated in a religious school.) I forget exactly how it goes, but this important man is ill in some way, and I think some prophet sends his servant to the man. The servant tells him to wash in the river 7 times to be cured and the man gets all upset because he wanted some great miracle from the prophet.

I've heard the idea of walking into the roar of the lion many times, but I guess I just wanted it to be more amazing than that.

I walk into my fears a lot, but they seem to be becoming more and more terrifying the deeper I go.

Thank you for not telling me that I am wrong, because even if I am, I'm not.

[Criseyde]

I'm not trying to knock anyone else's perceptions, but RedRain, I actually don't see you as cold. I see you as confused, and trying to reach out and connect with others on a level that presents itself to them as confrontational. I remember feeling like I connected with you pretty well once, we talked about 1st Corinthians, do you remember?

Have you ever tried smiling at people? You know... walking around in public... making eye contact and smiling. LOTS of people smile back. Holding doors? I like James's idea of paying compliments, too. Trying to help others.

I felt really moved when you were trying to connect with elucidate, as well.

Do you genuinely care about others? How do you show that?

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

I'm not trying to knock anyone else's perceptions, but RedRain, I actually don't see you as cold.

If we perceive RedRain as cold, maybe we're just being cold ourselves. But like you say, we're all just trying to find our way to ourselves and each other.

[RedRain]

Two people in this thread brought up elucidate, as if how I was with her was somehow good.

I wasn't really being warm with her. It wasn't real, I was just trying to figure something out. She knew it anyway.

I don't want to pretend like I was being nice, because I wasn't. It was hollow of me.

I was mean to her.

It's funny people praise how I am when I'm being mean. I guess it goes to my point that the inside often doesn't match the outside.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

If we perceive RedRain as cold, maybe we're just being cold ourselves.

Well, there are evaluations of behavior and the impacts those behaviors have on you or others, and there are judgements of people.

So, RedRain may be reading the people in his life very accurately: they're doing behaviors that feel unfriendly and cold to him. When he separates out those behaviors from who the person is, he might find that the unfriendly behavior is something he is at cause in the matter of -- which is great news, because when you're being at cause in the matter, you have the power to choose to be at cause in something that works better for you. He could start to notice that there are some circumstances when those "cold" people are actually warm to others or even to himself, and notice what's the difference that has that warmth be present -- and perhaps to experiment with generating that difference-making thing.

I don't advocate ignoring your feelings and evaluations, but I do advocate examining them. There's a lot to be learned when you're willing to let go of what doesn't work, and to take on generating something that works well for you.

That's hard to do, if not impossible, when you're judging people.

[pyrogen]

I'm with Angela on this.

People often respond to like with like; if you're not experiencing warmth from people, you may not be giving any warmth or signs of receptivity to warmth.

This is not the same as "giving to get".

There's science behind it... most non-autistic people have the instinct to mirror others.

[The Cloud]

You're right, most people are cold and/or fake, and most of those people act like they aren't. I don't think it's cynical to be honest, and less so when you're right. But I don't think most people are so cold that they can't react in the presence of real warmth, and in fact I think that it's inevitable that they will react to that warmth if you find it in yourself. Perhaps it won't be a pleasant reaction, because it brings up a lot of the pain inherent in being a fake, but it will be an honest one.

It's hard to find that warmth when most everyone is unwilling or unable to show it to you, but if you look you can find it in yourself. When you find it there you'll find that it's in everyone everywhere, and you'll be able to look through the cold exterior right down to where it resides. Before that, though, I think it's better to be cold and aware of it than it is to be fake and unable to see it, even if it seems to make you a worse person.

Some people think me cold and joyless because of this, but I still have to disagree with virtually every evaluation and piece of advice given you thus far in this thread (I haven't read it thoroughly enough to disagree with everything). I'd advise you not to give in to being fake, except I know you can't, and if it's not a choice you might as well keep going the way you're going even if it's wrong. The sooner you accept what you can't do, the sooner you can find what is possible.

[GoingUnder]

Originally Posted by RedRain

I guess I'm trying to say I don't find there are many people who it seems genuinely care about others. To me, it seems most people are only concerned with other people insofar as those other people can help themselves.

Come a litte closer and listen to yourself.

IMO there are very few people who genuinely care about others. Generally speaking, humans are self-centred. I think it's inherently natural.

I would like to play mind games with you because I love your username and think you're very attractive.

That's honesty and a somewhat shallow trait of mine.

How does that make you feel? (I'm also very playful and curious.)

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by James81

You seem cold to me. Very cold, actually. You put out a very cold vibe.

But it's an honest vibe. Or it seems honest anyway. That is, I don't get the feeling like you are bullshitting us or saying things other than exactly what you are thinking.

I've suspected at times that you're just trolling us, but that's just because it seems like you are miserable and I'd hate to think that that was real.

Not sure what else to tell you, really. I am intrigued by your posts, and I enjoy the honesty you put forth. I'd like to help you, but I honestly don't know how.

Yup, this is sorta exactly what I thought!

RedRain, do you think maybe you put out this "cold" vibe yourself, and that's why you get it back from others?? Maybe you don't even try to come across this way...but... I got the same vibe as James from YOU, so maybe there's something going on there!

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by GoingUnder

Come a litte closer and listen to yourself.

IMO there are very few people who genuinely care about others. Generally speaking, humans are self-centred. I think it's inherently natural.

I would like to play mind games with you because I love your username and think you're very attractive.

That's honesty and a somewhat shallow trait of mine.

How does that make you feel? (I'm also very playful and curious.)

Some people are capable and willing to step outside their self-centredeness and feel for what another person needs, but mostly, I feel the same way as you. Most people don't genuinely care about anyone else. Some don't even care about themselves.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by RedRain

Two people in this thread brought up elucidate, as if how I was with her was somehow good.

I wasn't really being warm with her. It wasn't real, I was just trying to figure something out. She knew it anyway.

I don't want to pretend like I was being nice, because I wasn't. It was hollow of me.

I was mean to her.

It's funny people praise how I am when I'm being mean. I guess it goes to my point that the inside often doesn't match the outside.

It's more that they take you at face value.

I'm a little wiser now.

[RedRain]

Originally Posted by elucidate

It's more that they take you at face value.

I'm a little wiser now.

Please don't talk to me.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by RedRain

Please don't talk to me.

Ok, I'll talk to the general population here, and pretend you don't exist...because to me, you don't!