Married and separated: When to start dating? / How to tell the other person?

[Grandiouse]

I got married and a little less than 2 years later, we separated. Now, it has been a year since the separation. No plans on divorce just yet, and we get along like good friends.

I want to start dating other women. When is it a good time to do it? If I do start dating, how do I tell the other person that I am married but separated?

Thanks for the help, as always.

[NoJobRob]

I would be honest and forthcoming about it. My dad went through this and he didn't really have any problems with women telling him no because he wasn't divorced yet. Most people will give you the benefit of the doubt and cut you some slack if you're upfront and honest right from the start.

[Grandiouse]

You mean like on the first date? How would you bring it up?

[NoJobRob]

I think they already knew before they even went out. I know he was on match.com for a while and had it on his profile, but women in the community also knew his situation and still asked him out on dates.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

You mean like on the first date? How would you bring it up?

You wait for a lull in the conversation, and say, "So... this might be an issue and I'd like to bring it up before we go too far. I'm actually married, but separated. Are you okay with that?"

[votoshka]

Well, I don't see what's the big deal about mentioning it, but having said that I think it should be sooner rather than later.

Most women won't have a problem with it, but some may be a little unsettled, as a separated guy isn't quite as separated from his ex as a divorced guy is. For example, my neighbours were separated for almost 3 years I think, and now he's moving back in! There may be the fear that you're not fully over the relationship if you're not yet divorced.

[Grandiouse]

But if I were to tell the person right off the bat (before she's had a chance to get to know who I am, & vis versa ), then it may be a turn-off for her.

Maybe it's better to wait until we get to know one another and start to get intimate before telling her.

Thoughts?

[EnlightenMe]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

But if I were to tell the person right off the bat (before she's had a chance to get to know who I am, & vis versa ), then it may be a turn-off for her.

Maybe it's better to wait until we get to know one another and start to get intimate before telling her.Thoughts?

To me, that feels manipulative.

I think you should be honest right off the bat, before you even ask someone out on a date.

If you want to date other women, why don't you divorce first?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

But if I were to tell the person right off the bat (before she's had a chance to get to know who I am, & vis versa ), then it may be a turn-off for her.

Maybe it's better to wait until we get to know one another and start to get intimate before telling her.

Thoughts?

Waiting will hurt her. It's deceptive and unwarranted. Don't be so afraid of rejection; if one girl is turned off, then go find another.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

But if I were to tell the person right off the bat (before she's had a chance to get to know who I am, & vis versa ), then it may be a turn-off for her.

Maybe it's better to wait until we get to know one another and start to get intimate before telling her.

Thoughts?

As a woman, it's something I would want to know right off the bat, on the first date.

Any later than that and I'd feel you were hiding it for a reason.

It wouldn't necessarily put me off, but I would want to know why you're not already in the process of getting a divorce if you've been separated for a year. Without knowing, it could feel like you haven't really decided whether or not you've really moved on yet.

[Grandiouse]

I'm 24 years old. I am not divorced yet because there are benefits to being legally married, such as finances.

My wife and I get along well, so I haven't rushed into a legal divorce. We've lived in separate cities for a year. We don't see each other regularly and have friendly conversations maybe one a month.

I have met up with her when she's come into town to visit her family. I am also very close to her inlaws (like friends). It's a weird dynamic because all of us including her family and I are great friends even after the separation.

Details about why I married and why we haven't divorced yet are intimate details about my life.

Is it really a good idea to go into such "heavy" discussions on the first date?

[EnlightenMe]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

Details about why I married and why we haven't divorced yet are intimate details about my life.
Is it really a good idea to go into such "heavy" discussions on the first date?

I am 24 years old, by the way.

Yet you want to become more intimate with other women.

I don't see how you can do that while withholding something as important as you not being finished with your marriage yet.

Telling someone you are separated, and not yet divorced, is not exactly going into some kind of deep discussion. It's a statement, and an honest fact, for someone who is trying to build relationships with others.

If you choose not to go into discussion with future partners in more detail about your marriage, fine, but give those partners a chance to make up their minds about the relationships they want based on the truth of the other person in that relationship with them, however new.

You're never too young to learn about honest, healthy relationships.

[Grandiouse]

Good point. So you're saying it doesn't have to be a long drawn out discussion with details.

If I feel uncomfortable about talking about it further, I can just tell her so during that time.

But definitely just put the statement out there that I am married and separate. Is this what you mean?

I guess I am worried that I can be too honest and go too deep into the discussion. It would probably freak her out.

Thanks for the input.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

I guess I am worried that I can be too honest and go too deep into the discussion. It would probably freak her out.

You're putting too much thought into maybes and could-bes. Tell her what she needs to know: you're married, but separated: and answer any questions that she has about it. She might nod, say it's fine, and move on. Or she'll be worried, have some concerns, and maybe you'll answer them in a way she's okay with, or maybe that will be a deal breaker for her.

This isn't going to magically change a month into the relationship; her feelings on the matter will be the same, except that you'll both have an emotional investment that will hurt to let go of and hurt to maintain.

[edit:]
I should add that I'm not really speaking hypothetically here. I just found a new girl this past week who I'm rather interested in, so I told her that my last relationship isn't technically over and I wanted to be sure she was okay with that. She made some points that I didn't expect and we ended up talking for a while on the subject, switching from a freeform back-and-forth to a "I've said my piece. Your turn now," kind of conversation. We ended with some action items on my part to take care of before we moved forward, which I've already started on.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

I'm 24 years old. I am not divorced yet because there are benefits to being legally married, such as finances.

My wife and I get along well, so I haven't rushed into a legal divorce. We've lived in separate cities for a year. We don't see each other regularly and have friendly conversations maybe one a month.

I have met up with her when she's come into town to visit her family. I am also very close to her inlaws (like friends). It's a weird dynamic because all of us including her family and I are great friends even after the separation.

Details about why I married and why we haven't divorced yet are intimate details about my life.

Is it really a good idea to go into such "heavy" discussions on the first date?

"Hey, so, just so you know, I've been married. In fact, legally I still am; my wife and I separated a year ago, but we haven't started formal divorce proceedings yet."

Really? Why not?

"It wasn't an acrimonious separation and there are financial advantages to being married. We'll start the legal separation when one of us feels they've met a serious partner and staying married for the tax breaks wouldn't be appropriate anymore. But we don't have any thoughts of getting back together or anything."

That would take all of about 30 seconds to explain, and isn't what I'd call 'heavy'. Nice and honest, upfront.

[Brutha]

But if I were to tell the person right off the bat (before she's had a chance to get to know who I am, & vis versa ), then it may be a turn-off for her.

You overrate the significance of a content of the conversation.

Woman care a lot more about whether you are open with them than about whether you are still married with your ex-wife.

Details about why I married and why we haven't divorced yet are intimate details about my life.

Is it really a good idea to go into such "heavy" discussions on the first date?

Making even the slightest attempt block emotional intimacy is a bad idea when you are on a first date.

If you can convey authentically convey to a woman on a date that you stand by what you are doing, you care about her and you are open with her you have given her the perfect date.

If I unfairly generalize and some woman disagree, please tell me where I'm wrong

[EnlightenMe]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

But definitely just put the statement out there that I am married and separate. Is this what you mean?

Yes, that is what I mean. BE open and honest.

[EnlightenMe]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Woman care a lot more about whether you are open with them than about whether you are still married with your ex-wife.

Making even the slightest attempt block emotional intimacy is a bad idea when you are on a first date.


If I unfairly generalize and some woman disagree, please tell me where I'm wrong

Brutha, I cannot speak for all women, but for myself I do agree with the above.

An example....my husband cheated on me, multiple times. The acts of cheating itself hurt less than my husband's continued dishonesty. That is the truth.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by Grandiouse

But if I were to tell the person right off the bat (before she's had a chance to get to know who I am, & vis versa ), then it may be a turn-off for her.

Maybe it's better to wait until we get to know one another and start to get intimate before telling her.

Thoughts?

Honestly, I'd be waaaay more upset if I was seeing a guy and then after we started getting intimate he told me he was still married but separated, than if he told me right at the start! Of course, that might be just me...but...I think it seems as if you're hiding something unless you can be up front about it.

Also, any woman you go out with is going to wonder why you're still not divorced after a year of separation and you've got no plans yet for divorce. Most women would be more uncomfortable with that, than with the fact that you're separated (if that makes sense). I mean I'd go out with a guy who was upfront and had split from his wife several months ago, but I'd want to know he was at least planning on divorce! Otherwise I'd be afraid he was holding onto her, or hoping to get back together with her or something...

However, if you can be upfront about your reasons for still being married etc. and you can be honest right from the start, you'll have less problems down the track generating trust etc.