Social Anxiety or lack of Social Skills?

[jcase4]

Hi All,

I have considered myself shy all of my life and it has been a constant struggle for me to make and maintain friendships, establish relationships with people, especially women, etc. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure when in a situation where I am speaking with a stranger or even someone I know well but haven't spoken to in a while. I struggle to find anything at all to talk about and always revert to the standard and boring interview type questions:

Where are you from?
What do you do?
How is work?

When I run out of those, the conversation quickly stalls, becomes awkward and uncomfortable and at that point I find an excuse to escape and avoid any further conversation.

Now, for a long time I have lived under the assumption that I suffer from shyness and social anxiety. I've tried a lot of things to try and conquer this problem (books, therapy, etc.) to no avail. I am starting to wonder, now, if the problem has less to do with being "shy" but rather that my complete lack of social skills is creating and reinforcing the behavior a shy and socially anxious person typically demonstrates. I wonder if my fear of being in those intensely uncomfortable and awkward social situations makes me avoid communicating with people that I actually do have the desire to communicate with. For example, at work I have no trouble communicating with co-workers and speaking about job-related subject matter; even speaking out in meetings or giving presentations in front of many people doesn't phase me. However, when it comes to simply socializing with co-workers about non-job related things, I get extremely uncomfortable, can't think of anything to say, etc.

So, does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can truly improve my social skills and conversational ability? I have tried a few books on how to make conversation, and while they make sense when I read them, I seem to be unable to apply any of it in an actual situation. In an actual situation, the pressure hits me, my mind goes blank, I start to sweat and I just end up in doing the same things I've always done. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[yossarian]

just sounds like you get nervous and intellectual, when conversation is about emotional exchange

you need to disengage your logical brain and use your intutive brain when communicating

what I would do is work on clearing my mind through meditation, and then focus on feeling relaxed and comfortable when you interact with people. I mean physically comfortable - like lean on something or sit very comfortably.

the more relaxed you are, the easier it is to communicate on that emotional/intutive level that most people communicate on. Especially women.

[Truefire]

When it comes to social development, I think that the guys in the pick-up community are way ahead of the game. They simply know social dynamics, and a lot of them didn't start that way.

Now theres a lot of misogynistic drivel out there so watch your step.
Here's some good stuff:
Dan (Social Hitchhiker) - Charisma Arts
These guys rock, tons of free articles and podcasts.

How to have more social success | Free advice for guys on social skills, getting along with people, and getting your act together
This guy isn't any part of the community, but his articles are specifically intended to help guys overcome shyness and social anxiety while teaching useful social ideas.

Sean Newman/PickUp101 Make Girls Smile
Cool guy

Charisma Tips
socialhitchhiker moved his blog

[jcase4]

Thanks for the feedback and advice. At this point, I am willing to try anything - any pointers for getting started with meditation? I know nothing about it.

As far as the pickup community: I have been looking into it for the last few months and have some good material. Everything makes sense and I get excited about the possibilities when I read it but I cannot get past that initial obstacle where I can actually apply it. My approach anxiety is crippling and I haven't managed to find any way to overcome it. Most of the advice I have seen out there when it comes to approach anxiety is to just "suck it up and do it" and eventually it gets easier. But when I actually have an opportunity and logically and rationally I understand that it is no big deal, I simply cannot force myself to initiate a conversation.

[Truefire]

Then don't start with approaches. Get over your deeper social anxiety first. Everybody suffers from approach anxiety, men and women, hot or not. But some people suffer from being the quiet/shy person who can't seem to carry a normal conversation without "stalling out" or constantly worrying about what to say next. I used to be a sufferer.
If this is you, you shouldn't be looking at seduction, its too big and depends on social experience for a guy make sense of it. My recommendation is to visit this site and avoid any seduction sites that aren't based on more natural game. How to have more social success | Free advice for guys on social skills, getting along with people, and getting your act together
Other tips:
Get a job in customer service. Try being a cashier and learn to engage customers on a casual level while you do your job. Such jobs are a dime a dozen and you can come away with a lot of social experience that will reduce social anxiety.
Or, get "lost" somewhere safe and ask random people for directions. Give yourself an excuse to talk to people. Put your watch in your pocket and ask a hottie for the time, whatever. Just get yourself out there and out of your head.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by jcase4

Thanks for the feedback and advice. At this point, I am willing to try anything - any pointers for getting started with meditation? I know nothing about it.

1. find quiet place (or if you are good at blocking out the world it doesnt have to be quiet)
2. focus attention and all senses on one specific thing, such as the feeling of the breath as you inhale and exhale, or any other sense. Sense it on a shallow sensory input level, and don't think about anything.
3. maintain focus
4. maintain focus
5. profit

just do it for however long you feel comfortable. even 1 minute can be highly beneficial. You dont have to sit like a pretzel or anything. It's just about focusing the attention of all your senses, clearing your thoughts, and maintaining that state for awhile.

It helps a lot with any kind of anxiety.

[Kebap]

Originally Posted by jcase4

As far as the pickup community: I have been looking into it for the last few months and have some good material. Everything makes sense and I get excited about the possibilities when I read it but I cannot get past that initial obstacle where I can actually apply it. My approach anxiety is crippling and I haven't managed to find any way to overcome it. Most of the advice I have seen out there when it comes to approach anxiety is to just "suck it up and do it" and eventually it gets easier. But when I actually have an opportunity and logically and rationally I understand that it is no big deal, I simply cannot force myself to initiate a conversation.

Hey there,
try out this EFT, emotional freedom technique, also known as tapping:

Approach Anxiety

This technique alongside with NLP really helped me with destroying these fears and blockers in my mind.

There are more free videos linked on the top of the site, if you happen to like it.

Cheers!

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by yossarian

1. find quiet place (or if you are good at blocking out the world it doesnt have to be quiet)
2. focus attention and all senses on one specific thing, such as the feeling of the breath as you inhale and exhale, or any other sense. Sense it on a shallow sensory input level, and don't think about anything.
3. maintain focus
4. maintain focus
5. profit

just do it for however long you feel comfortable. even 1 minute can be highly beneficial. You dont have to sit like a pretzel or anything. It's just about focusing the attention of all your senses, clearing your thoughts, and maintaining that state for awhile.

It helps a lot with any kind of anxiety.

I agree entirely. One important thing to remember at the start is that you will find your thoughts drifting. I'm also socially anxious, and for a while I existed in a constant state of low level anxiety. It was impossible for me to stop thoughts from running through my head and I'd barely last 3 seconds of focused attention before I'd start internally verbalising something.

But persevere and, like me, you'll have a much greater ability to calm your mind and relax.

For socialising tips in general, you've probably read it before, but it's helped me enough that I think it's worth reiterating. To become interesting, be interested. Most people love to talk about themselves, so ask lots of questions. Become curious about everything. And if they're decent people, they'll respond in kind, giving you the chance to talk about things you're more knowledgeable about.

However, be prepared for some people who feel uncomfortable about being asked lots of questions. You'll find that they don't say much in reply, and will get annoyed if you keep asking. These are people I generally don't talk to much; for their own reasons they've already decided not to talk to me. *shrug* move on.

Finally, something that I'm yet to do, but which I've heard great things about. Toastmasters. Find a club in your area, give them a call, and pop in for a meeting. No doubt you'll find it daunting at the start, but from what I've heard it's a fantastic, supportive, encouraging environment in which to get over one's fears of public speaking, even if it's one-on-one in a social environment.

[rakinishu]

Originally Posted by jcase4

Thanks for the feedback and advice. At this point, I am willing to try anything - any pointers for getting started with meditation? I know nothing about it.

As far as the pickup community: I have been looking into it for the last few months and have some good material. Everything makes sense and I get excited about the possibilities when I read it but I cannot get past that initial obstacle where I can actually apply it. My approach anxiety is crippling and I haven't managed to find any way to overcome it. Most of the advice I have seen out there when it comes to approach anxiety is to just "suck it up and do it" and eventually it gets easier. But when I actually have an opportunity and logically and rationally I understand that it is no big deal, I simply cannot force myself to initiate a conversation.

..You might find this thread helpful.

Approach Anxiety - DiCarlo DiClassified


raki
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Dating Tips: DiClassified

[Vincentboucher]

where do you live, I can cure you for free.

[jcase4]

i live in nyc