Casual sex

[ssandra]

I seriously wonder what everybody has against casual sex sometimes.

Casual sex, without relationship can be just as fulfilling and just as entertaining and just as fun and just as hot as sex in a relationship.

I know that it is not like that for everybody, but please don't assume that just because it isn't for you, it isn't for anybody...


Basically just wanted to vent this... But I'm interested in a discussion if others are...

[elucidate]

I don't have a problem with it, and I don't really care what anyone else does in their private sex life.

I have had quite a few casual sex encounters, and some of them were entertaining and others...well, lets just say I'd probably have had more fun at home reading a book.

I think it also has to do with where a person is at in their life. I went through lots of different phases in my twenties, and one of them was that I didn't want to have sex with people I didn't know very well or didn't form some bond with.

It had to do with my spiritual development at the time, and I was very aware of chakras and only wanting to have sex with spiritually developed people who were healthy...(Unfortunately, they were hard to find, so I mainly stayed celibate). I also had trouble not getting emotionally attached so I thought it was just going to bring me heartache if I did...so I didn't.

I've also had bouts of having random sex with total strangers without even going looking for it or thinking I wanted to...it just happened.

So, for me, it all depends on how I am feeling and where I am at...like what mental space I am in, as to whether casual sex is agreeable with me or not.

[LostMyMap]

A couple of scenarios:

1. You really want a relationship, not just casual sex. You take the sex when it's available, but then you feel empty and sad inside.

2. You weren't necessarily looking for a relationship, but having sex with someone leads to desires for the other person. Then, either you get hurt because they don't reciprocate, or they do and you end up in a relationship with someone that isn't right for you.

I always do a when people say that sex isn't intmacy, because for lots and lots of people, sex is very much entwined with feelings of intimacy, relationships. Some people may be able to separate the two; I think most can't. This keeps poets and romance novelists in business.

[BillyTheAdult]

My only problem with it is that I'm not having any.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by LostMyMap

A couple of scenarios:

1. You really want a relationship, not just casual sex. You take the sex when it's available, but then you feel empty and sad inside.

2. You weren't necessarily looking for a relationship, but having sex with someone leads to desires for the other person. Then, either you get hurt because they don't reciprocate, or they do and you end up in a relationship with someone that isn't right for you.

3. You really aren't looking for a relationship and you really do enjoy sex. So you find someone you like and have sex with... that's it.

I agree that sex is intimacy. I disagree that intimacy always has to lead to a relationship or wanting a relationship. I can have intimate relations with people (with or without sex ) without having a relationship.

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I disagree that intimacy always has to lead to a relationship or wanting a relationship. I can have intimate relations with people (with or without sex ) without having a relationship.

If that works for you. I'm suggesting that for a lot of people, the separation is difficult or impossible, even when we think we can do it.

Other things I thought of from a more societal level, the idea that casual sex can lead to the casual spread of diseases and to unwanted pregnancies. While we have modern technologies to prevent those things, they are still ongoing problems.

Not saying I've never done it, or never would again, but there are hazards...

[CroMagna]

"Promiscuity in men may cheapen love but sharpen wit. Promiscuity in women is illness, it is a leakage of identity." -Camille Paglia

WTF is a "leakage of identity"?

I've never understood people's problems with girls having casual sex. That double standard still gets my goat.

It sets up a situation where men have the option of either casual sex or monogamous unions whereas women only have one option: monogamous unions. I don't believe in monogamy at this phase in my life so that's out of the question.

I have had quite a few casual sexual encounters. Some led to relationships, some to friends with benefits, and others were just one time encounters. BFD.

[elucidate]

Yeah, it's interesting how men can feel free to sleep with as many women as they can, and are infact encouraged to in their 20's as part of "sowing their royal oats" before they settle down, but women who do this are automatically labelled "sluts". Interesting double standard.

[secrets0stolen]

I don't know, for me it would depend on what you mean by casual. Outside of a relationship, sure, that doesn't bother me. But I generally don't develop an attraction to someone that's purely physical--that doesn't mean there needs to be a relationship or promise of one or any ideas about my future with this person, but if I like them enough to have sex with them, it wouldn't just involve their bodies.


As for other people, they can do whatever they want with their genitals!

[scotthegeek]

I have so many mix feel around this topic you make a good point. I don't know the real answer to the question but I have a few theory. First off its only human sometime to think everyone thinks the same way and it really a shock when you find out they don't.

I think its my upbringing that sex is bad and I'm bad if I have it. who wants to burn in hell. I just figure that out last year I'm not a bad person because I want sex.

The risk of VD or death and unwanted pregnancy. sex is very dangerous. The only way to be 100% safe is to not have sex. That what they teach in sex ed.

For people that has been physical and sexually abuse. sex is a form of violence. Fear and excitement get confused.

Fear of abandonment. they call sex making love and if someone sleep with me one night and then sleep with someone the next night they where just use me for there own sexual pleasure and did not love me.

sourer grapes sex is not so casual if your not getting any if everyone stop have sex I would not feel so different. I being good how come everyone else gets to be bad.

if your having a lot of casual sex and always looking for sex its an addiction and your out of control.

I can go on and I know a lot of what I'm saying is totally irrational.

Scott

[elucidate]

At least you've identified the messages that are being fed to people, and are able to see through them now. That's progress.

Originally Posted by scotthegeek

I have so many mix feel around this topic you make a good point. I don't know the real answer to the question but I have a few theory. First off its only human sometime to think everyone thinks the same way and it really a shock when you find out they don't.

I think its my upbringing that sex is bad and I'm bad if I have it. who wants to burn in hell. I just figure that out last year I'm not a bad person because I want sex.

The risk of VD or death and unwanted pregnancy. sex is very dangerous. The only way to be 100% safe is to not have sex. That what they teach in sex ed.

For people that has been physical and sexually abuse. sex is a form of violence. Fear and excitement get confused.

Fear of abandonment. they call sex making love and if someone sleep with me one night and then sleep with someone the next night they where just use me for there own sexual pleasure and did not love me.

sourer grapes sex is not so casual if your not getting any if everyone stop have sex I would not feel so different. I being good how come everyone else gets to be bad.

if your having a lot of casual sex and always looking for sex its an addiction and your out of control.

I can go on and I know a lot of what I'm saying is totally irrational.

Scott

[garentee]

Casual sex is fine for a while but I would not trade my gf for sex with anyone else..

[rei]

Casual sex works for plenty of people. I can separate sex from attachment in a relationship sense, but I enjoy sex a lot more when I am emotionally into a person. They generally have to impress me in some way for me to go there with them at all. I can be into someone without exclusivity but I'm not sure I have the time management skills for poly right now

[James81]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Yeah, it's interesting how men can feel free to sleep with as many women as they can, and are infact encouraged to in their 20's as part of "sowing their royal oats" before they settle down, but women who do this are automatically labelled "sluts". Interesting double standard.

I'd like to clearly state that I don't agree with the double standard, but I do understand why it exists. An attractive women need only snap her fingers and fifty men will come running to have sex with her. An attractive male has to put in a bit of trial and error and take a measure of risk to get sex. Thus, for women it's easy to get sex so people see it as letting down her standard. For men, it takes a bit of risk and rejection so people see it as impressive when a man is successful with casual sex.

Again, not saying it's right...just explaining why it exists.

[rei]

How do you know that's why it exists, James?

I must say that theory is logical, but I'm not convinced that's the justification. Seems more likely a throwback to the dowry days, to me.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by James81

I'd like to clearly state that I don't agree with the double standard, but I do understand why it exists. An attractive women need only snap her fingers and fifty men will come running to have sex with her. An attractive male has to put in a bit of trial and error and take a measure of risk to get sex. Thus, for women it's easy to get sex so people see it as letting down her standard. For men, it takes a bit of risk and rejection so people see it as impressive when a man is successful with casual sex.

Again, not saying it's right...just explaining why it exists.

Yeah...I don't buy that really. It's a nice theory, but I don't believe that is the actual reason for it.

Unnattractive women have to work harder to have sex with a man, and they will still get labelled a slut for sleeping with lots of men, so that kinda throws your theory out of the water.

[scotthegeek]

Originally Posted by elucidate

At least you've identified the messages that are being fed to people, and are able to see through them now. That's progress.

Thanks my friend

But my progress is causing mostly a lot of emotional pain I wish I could go back to feeling righteous not have sex. I don't think I will ever be a normal functioning adult. I know thing can get better but not to the point where I accept things I can't change. I should take my own advice and not be so hard on myself.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by scotthegeek

Thanks my friend

But my progress is causing mostly a lot of emotional pain I wish I could go back to feeling righteous not have sex. I don't think I will ever be a normal functioning adult. I know thing can get better but not to the point where I accept things I can't change. I should take my own advice and not be so hard on myself.

It might feel painful now. I think that is because a lot of previously suppressed emotions are coming to the surface, and you're not used to it. Of course it doesn't feel good, and I can empathize with where you are at now, however, I think if you can hold out and continue to acknowledge this emotional upheaval you are experiencing, then it will pass eventually. If you resist it though it will continue to surface.

And yes, I think you are being way too hard on yourself. It might not feel like it now, but it's actually progress.

Hang in there.

[ssandra]

I personally need to find someone attractive to have sex with them, and attraction for me is a complete picture. So I have to like them as a person (as much as I know them at the moment as a person), and I have to find them physically attractive (although that is secondary to finding them mentally/emotionally attractive).

My point being... There was this other thread and like LMM here, people were going on and on about how this person doesn't really want casual sex, what he really should want is a relationship. Because that is somehow better...?

And I disagree with that. It is not always the case and it is not always for everyone.

The thrill to be with someone new, who does new things, who has a new body for you to get to know... and the familiarity of an old lover, someone you know and love.... both are amazing and interesting to me...

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by secrets0stolen

I don't know, for me it would depend on what you mean by casual. Outside of a relationship, sure, that doesn't bother me. But I generally don't develop an attraction to someone that's purely physical--that doesn't mean there needs to be a relationship or promise of one or any ideas about my future with this person, but if I like them enough to have sex with them, it wouldn't just involve their bodies.


As for other people, they can do whatever they want with their genitals!

^^ this

It's very rare that I separate emotional attraction from physical attraction. Chances are if I wanted to sleep with someone in the first place, I probably also want to date them. I called myself a "romance fetishist" in other posts, just like a foot fetishist needs feet to "get off".

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

^^ this

It's very rare that I separate emotional attraction from physical attraction. Chances are if I wanted to sleep with someone in the first place, I probably also want to date them. I called myself a "romance fetishist" in other posts, just like a foot fetishist needs feet to "get off".

I'm not really romantic in that sense. I prefer to have sex with someone I have an emotional connection to and where love is mutual, but I can still have sex without that...though, not for too long, as attachment does tend to follow.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I'm not really romantic in that sense. I prefer to have sex with someone I have an emotional connection to and where love is mutual, but I can still have sex without that...though, not for too long, as attachment does tend to follow.

Well, to me, sexual energy plus some degree of tenderness and mutual caretaking is the chief difference between spending lots of time with an intimate friend vs a lover. And I've had friendships where the lines blurred a little.

There are people that I'd probably desire to sleep with in a cold minute... if they asked... the thing is, I'd be reluctant to do so, because I know I'm likely to want more than they would be offering. It wouldn't be "just sex" for me. So I'm not likely to even open that door.

[scotthegeek]

Originally Posted by James81

I'd like to clearly state that I don't agree with the double standard, but I do understand why it exists. An attractive women need only snap her fingers and fifty men will come running to have sex with her. An attractive male has to put in a bit of trial and error and take a measure of risk to get sex. Thus, for women it's easy to get sex so people see it as letting down her standard. For men, it takes a bit of risk and rejection so people see it as impressive when a man is successful with casual sex.

Again, not saying it's right...just explaining why it exists.

I remember reading a study where they had woman walk up to men and say I find you attractive would you have sex with me. Then they had men walk up to women and say I find you attractive would you have sex with me. Most men said yes and some said I'm sorry I can I have girlfriend or wife.
The girls that where approached where mostly shock and angry. I know its not the best study but woman if they want to have sex its easier them men but most woman are more selective of who they mate with.

Scott

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by scotthegeek

I remember reading a study where they had woman walk up to men and say I find you attractive would you have sex with me. Then they had men walk up to women and say I find you attractive would you have sex with me. Most men said yes and some said I'm sorry I can I have girlfriend or wife.
The girls that where approached where mostly shock and angry. I know its not the best study but woman if they want can't have sex easier them men but most woman are more selective of who they mate with.

Scott

Murphy's Law of Love states that whatever you're looking for, that's exactly what you won't find. Giggle.

I have known plenty of perfectly attractive, desirable women who couldn't get laid to save their lives no matter how many men they asked. At the same time, I've known plenty who wanted *relationships* but could only ever find sex.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by pyrogen

Murphy's Law of Love states that whatever you're looking for, that's exactly what you won't find. Giggle.

I have known plenty of perfectly attractive, desirable women who couldn't get laid to save their lives no matter how many men they asked. At the same time, I've known plenty who wanted *relationships* but could only ever find sex.

Aha! So that's the secret... I have to start going out, pretending that I am a helpless little girl who just is looking for marriage and stuff, and then I'll find plenty of good looking men who will take advantage of me and will just have sex with me?

[anusha]

casual sex is awesome with people known to you.. than strangers.. atleast from me.
although it is more than fun, i think having emotions attached adds a little magic to the whole thing.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Aha! So that's the secret... I have to start going out, pretending that I am a helpless little girl who just is looking for marriage and stuff, and then I'll find plenty of good looking men who will take advantage of me and will just have sex with me?

Pretty much.

Actually, get yourself thoroughly into the mindset that you're either monogamously married or a lesbian and suddenly you'll be offered more **** than you know what to do with. But you have to feel *sexy* when you do this. You can't have your sexual centers shut down, or feel longing for validation. The attitude is, "I'm totally freakin' hot, but none of you can have me."

I'm only half joking. One day, I really must make a blog post on "The Murphy's Law of Love". I really think there is something to "don't look for it", a deep LOA principle, because I certainly found that happened with my social life (stopped really looking for one and one happened).

[LostMyMap]

Now I'm curious what's behind this line of questions. Material for your ebook? Or something more personal?

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Yeah...I don't buy that really. It's a nice theory, but I don't believe that is the actual reason for it.

Unnattractive women have to work harder to have sex with a man, and they will still get labelled a slut for sleeping with lots of men, so that kinda throws your theory out of the water.

I'd say it's not a nice theory, but I think it's true. Notice James81 said "an attractive woman" and your counter argument was "unattractive women"

But you said you don't care about someone elses private life, so if someone calls someone a slut, you gotta ask yourself, why would they even care to use that label?

and really it's just a power term trying to take down someone elses power, I guess

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I'd say it's not a nice theory, but I think it's true. Notice James81 said "an attractive woman" and your counter argument was "unattractive women"

Yes, I noticed, I wrote it.

I think my logic was sound, so what's your point?

But you said you don't care about someone elses private life, so if someone calls someone a slut, you gotta ask yourself, why would they even care to use that label?

You're assuming that someone who would call someone a slut for having multiple sexual partners thinks the same way I do. That's a pretty big assumption I think.

Someone who goes around calling women sluts obviously considers themselves entitled to make a comment about someone elses sex life...which isn't how I think.

and really it's just a power term trying to take down someone elses power, I guess

Well, you're right about that part, I just don't think james81's theory is, that's all. You are free to think he is though.