Relationships Mastermind - Questions and Support

[ChrisL]

I thought I would create a Relationships Mastermind thread where we could share our questions and experience of what works in relationships, specifically root causes for where we get stuck, what has worked for us and how that has shifted our perspective and experience of relationships.

Starting off with some basics:

• We get our initial impression of relationships, as well as success and survival strategies from our parents. Many of our beliefs can get formed as early as age 0-5.
• When we miss embodying essential core beliefs like "I'm safe", "I'm can have my needs met", "I can be myself and be in relationship", "I can ask for what I want", "I can express my sexuality", etc, then instead of being authentically ourselves, we start to form strategies to get what we need. (i.e. I can't depend on others so I have to do everything myself, I don't want to feel hurt so I'll just shut down all emotions)
• The longer we hold onto a relationship wounding the more it becomes a pattern, getting ingrained in our bodies and nervous system to become a skewed perspective on life, automatic judgments and repetitive behavior (i.e. My dad let me down and every other guy seems to be a disappointment too).
• We attract relationships to us that resemble our conflict until we're clearer on what we do want, then we attract that too

What seems to work:

• Being honest with ourselves and others in acknowledging our needs and clearly communicating them.
• Finding ways to feel safe/grounded in a relationship
• Making agreements that can be honored by both partners.
• Creating a vision together that unifies us and gives us a loose framework to grow together with.
• In communication with my partner, making an "I" statement so that I'm owning my experience, instead of just projecting onto her.
• Finding time to acknowledge positive attributes and not just pointing out what doesn't work!
• Allowing myself and my partner to change from day to day, not holding a fixed perspective of "this is how it is", as much as being curious about "how is it now?"
• Allowing a fuller expression of masculine/feminine for each partner, meaning not getting fixed into roles of what people should look/act like, but rather what is wanting to be expressed?

I'm sure everyone has questions and experience to share! I simply wanted to begin a collection of accumulated wisdom so that we could all benefit.

[ssandra]

Hugging, kissing and being nice to the other partner, not only when things are going wrong or when one of the 2 is crying, but also when things are going great!

[ChrisL]

What a great reminder! Love and appreciation shown through physical touch in a way that is a reminder of how much we enjoy and value our connection. Yes!

Celebrating Life - I would add finding ways to celebrate life in suprising ways on a regular basis, not just waiting for "special" occasions or a Hallmark holiday. Sometimes getting a handmade card that expresses something specific, especially when it's not a holiday, can be the most uplifting thing! I had one partner who would give me suprise cards - one she created out of a paper bag by creating a collage of images and writing on it, then left it under my windshield wiper while I was at work. I have done things like taken a few pictures of myself and a few poems and created a love/appreciation booklet.

Sense of humor - I can't stres this one enough! Finding ways to play and laugh with each other has been so immensely supportive and enjoyable in my life. Not only being able to laugh at ourselves and not take life so personally, but being able to see the humor in a relationship situation.

Saying Yes - Finding ways to say yes to each other and to life, in other words, turning a negative situation/complaint into a positive agreement/request. Instead of struggling against each other or life, discovering how to use the seeming limitation of a situation to love and appreciate even more.