Letting myself love, finally

[TheEastern]

I posted another topic in this section called "I don't love her (anymore?)" (or something similar), and this topic is in a way a continuation of that one, but far enough removed to be another topic, I think.

I have dated my girlfriend for a year and a half, and recently, I told her I wanted a break because I was unsure I still loved her. I had started to feel uncomfortable saying "I love you too" because I just wasn't sure if it was true--and I didn't want her to think i loved her when I didn't.

So anyway, we talked today. We'd both had time think, and as we talked, I realized some things, roughly in this order:

The first thing is that I have been holding the meaning of the word "love" so high that it would be nearly impossible to reach.

The next thing I thought was that I have been worrying so much whether what I feel is love or not, that I haven't really given myself a chance to love at all. This also has to do with a problem I have with worrying whether I'm too logical, and just kind of a "robot" with little or no real feelings. I realized that a big part of the problem was probably that I am simply worrying about it all too much.

And the last, most improtant realization: Throughout our relationship, I've often felt the impulse to say I Love You at random times, when I felt a certain good something. The impulse came naturally to me, and I followed it--and yet, for some reason I didn't think that feeling was love. I guess I thought love would be something else. But as we were talking today, I felt that same feeling and urge, getting stronger each time it came. And I started thinking, maybe that feeling has been love all along. As the thought circled in my head, it made more sense. If that's not love, then what is it, and what would love feel like? It made more and more sense to me that that was love, and after a little bit longer, I said to her "I love you"--and for the first time, I really, really meant it, without any doubts. I knew I loved her. It felt great. Needless to say, we are back together, and I am glad I took this break. I can be with her in a way that I couldn't ever before, because my doubt about how I felt was always lingering.

When I got home, I talked to a good friend of mine. My feelings for her had always been confused too, but because of my thoughts earlier today, I told her that I love her too. In a different way, of course, but I love her.

I feel like this simple realization opens up a whole new corridor of doors for my existing and future relationships. I just thought I'd share this story with a group of people who I think will understand and be happy for me.

[RT Wolf]

Congratulations! I had wondered what happened to you. I'm glad you hit such an empowering realization. Love is intensely personal to each of us and we all experience it different ways. I'm really glad to hear that, because I found that to be true for myself, too. Thank you.

[siamesesilk]

And the last, most improtant realization: Throughout our relationship, I've often felt the impulse to say I Love You at random times, when I felt a certain good something. The impulse came naturally to me, and I followed it--and yet, for some reason I didn't think that feeling was love. I guess I thought love would be something else. But as we were talking today, I felt that same feeling and urge, getting stronger each time it came. And I started thinking, maybe that feeling has been love all along. As the thought circled in my head, it made more sense. If that's not love, then what is it, and what would love feel like? It made more and more sense to me that that was love, and after a little bit longer, I said to her "I love you"--and for the first time, I really, really meant it, without any doubts. I knew I loved her. It felt great. Needless to say, we are back together, and I am glad I took this break. I can be with her in a way that I couldn't ever before, because my doubt about how I felt was always lingering.

I'm really glad it worked out for you and your girlfriend. Breaks are good sometimes.

[TheEastern]

That post was yesterday, and I am glad to say that (aside from being physically sick) I still feel really good. I know I wasn't just in a weird mood yesterday, and that feeling of love wasn't a fluke.

I've been thinking about it, and I think that this realization will open up new doors, not only in my relationships like I said, but in almost all other areas too.

My worry of never being able to love (or at least thinking that I'd have to wait most of my life) had a lot to do with the worry that I am too logical, and that I don't feel as much emotion as much as I "should". I feel like the epiphany I had yesterday will start to let me let go of my almost compulsive worry of being "too logical".

For example, I had gotten interested recently in less mainstream stuff like Intention-Manifestation, but whenever I thought about it I always worried that even if it was possible, maybe I simply couldn't do it if I tried because I don't "feel" enough. I feel like I will slowly let go of that (and it will take a while, because the feeling has been with me most of my life), and let myself try new things that have to do with emotion without doubting mysely nearly as much as I used to.

I feel like this will slowly but surely change me for the better. I will grow immensely as I get more used to knowing that I can love and feel, just like anybody else.

I told my girlfriend all of this. I told her that even if we do break up eventually, I will keep this change with me all of my life, and she had a big part in it. She has helped me poke a hole in this huge bag of doubt in my mind, and I am free now to let it slowly leak out of me.

I have been feeling great today and yesterday. I still feel a little bit uncomfortable when I try to share an emotional moment with my girlfriend, but I know that that is mostly because it's kind of a habit, and I also know that soon I will be able to look her in the eyes, smile, and just enjoy what I have with her, sans the doubt that I'm used to. I'm excited for that, and I can't wait. Already I can tell I'm moving toward there--I haven't really cried since elementary school, but now I find myself tearing up at emotional points in our conversations, like I did when I told her I loved her and really meant it for the first time.

Sorry the post is so long... just kept thinking of new things I wanted to say.

[RT Wolf]

I was in a place similar to where you are about six months ago. The thing is, we're not too logical, we've just placed so much of our internal attention on the rational side of ourselves. You feel the emotions, you just don't pay attention to them, and since oyu don't pay attention to them, you think they don't exist, or exist at the same level as other people. Start paying more attention to your emotions AND to the emotoins of others. Try to read another person's emotions consciously while having a conversation. Find the emotions behind their words and behind their other emotions and you will learn more about yourself.

Another thing that really helped me is to focus more on my present moment experience of life (cause the future and past don't exist). And in this present moment, happiness and love feel awesome.

You've simply been afflicted by a problem that affects many highly rational people, we simply stop paying attention to our emotions and discount their usefulness. I think emotions tell us things, about ourselves and our surroundings. They're messages and reactions, essentially. Respect your emotions and other people's emotions. And definitely express your emotoins more.

I'm glad that you realized that, too. This seems like a period of intense improvement for you, congratulations.

I hope that helps.

[CoachChar]

I am inspired by how you've gotten out of your own way and allowed yourself to experience love in these new ways. I'm interested in accessing more forms of propserity and abundance (in all areas of my life). Thanks for sharing your good news!

Char