Extremely difficult situation.....PLEASE HELP

[Oldsoul]

Hello All!

I've been a reader on these forums for a few months now, and have seen lots of great posts and really insightful replies. Ok, now that I've buttered everyone up. LOL. I have a in-depth question for all of you expert minds out there.

First My Background info....

Married for 8 years, two kids (one who's 7 and another who's 2). It has been a tough marriage, but we always seem to keep going. I'm 30 years old. Ok, so I think that covers the background.

Now the problem.

For about the last 5 years sex has been few and far between. Currently, it has been about a year since my wife and I have had sex. We do fight about it quite a bit. Again, our marriage is not perfect, but sex is really the main problem. If I could just forget about sex, we'd probably get along pretty well, but I cannot. Sex is more than just physical for me, it is emotional as well. If sex were just physical for me, then it wouldn't be a problem because I could take care of that myself. But to me sex is a form of affection, and I need that affection. When I talk to my wife about it, she just says I need to get over it, and that it is my problem.

It is really putting some serious stress on the relationship to the point where we've actually spoken the word divorce, but we have two kids and a considerable amount of debt right now due to some financial hardships. So, really divorce is out of the question. Neither kid could really deal with it at this point.

I ask her that since she is not going to have sex with me, what are my options, and the only options she really has is for me to masturbate, but again, that is not really what I am looking for. I am not the kind of person to cheat on her, and so I feel like I'm stuck.

If we are going to stay together for the kids sake, then do we maybe just need to set some new "rules", but again, the thing that bothers me here is that I'm not really the cheating type, and I would hate to think that I slept with someone else, if in a year, my wife and I are getting along better. I wouldn't feel right about that.

I ask her is she loves me, and she says yes. But she does say that right now she doesn't like me. But, again we do fight alot so, it is hard to like someone that you are constantly fighting with.

At any rate, I feel really trapped by the whole situation. I've suggested marriage counseling, but she says that I'm the one with the problem and not her. She refuses to talk to anyone. I'm really getting to the point where I'm getting depressed about it to where, I don't want to eat, and really can't motivate myself to do anything. Which is a bummer because a little affection from her would be all I need to get out of this depression.

So, for all you longtime married people out there, or young inspirational minds out there, please offer any suggestions you may have.

Thanks in Advance!

OldSoul

[Lychee]

Sex is important in a marriage. It allows for physical, emotional, and spiritual connection with your partner. When you are married to someone, you share of yourself to bring fulfilment and joy to the other. It's not fair to refuse yourself to your spouse without just reason since you have entered into a relationship which entails sexual intimacy.

You might want to ask her why exactly she is refusing to be intimate with you. If there is a valid reason (emotional or medical problems, etc.) then I'm sure the case would be different. You said she loves you but doesn't like you. Do you think it may be because of that? I don't understand fully. What does she mean by that? If she loved you, why not seek couseling?

The problem involves both of you, since you are upset over something you are seeking from her but are not receiving. You are indeed in a difficult situation. Have you spoken to any of your male friends about this? What have they suggested?

Honestly, I think you're being quite fair and understanding about this. There is an extent to patience and understanding, though. I hate the "D" word, but you are not in an easy place here. You must consider your needs along with your wife's and your childrens'.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope things improve between you and your wife.

[pinkhighlighter]

I'm not married, but I have strong views about this. You are not expecting too much and you should not just "get over it." Sex is a normal part of a relationship and I think many women don't understand that. I am a woman, btw. A lot of women think of sex as just something a man wants for fun, but it's much more than that. Sex is the way a man gives and receives affection.
Masturbation isn't the same because it's the closeness to your wife that you want. If you have told her that and she doesn't get it, I feel really badly for you. I wouldn't blame you at all if you went elsewhere to get it, but I admire that that's not your style also. Ths is a very sad situation.
The truth is your wife is not acting lke a wife. This is one example of why women cannot have it all. I don't know if your wife works or not but you have 2 young kids and if she does work, she is just putting too much on herself. I know you mentioned you're in debt and she probably has to work. (assuming child care doesn't cancel out her income). With the stress you are both under, sex should be what you both go to to feel better.

I don't know what advice to give you. I'm going to recommend something and I will probably get a lot of flack for it, but "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" (Book) to share with your wife. Better yet I would suggest you and your wife call the Dr. Laura (author of the book) show together, cuz your wife doen't care what you say. She needs someone else to knock some sense into her. Before she knows it 16 years will be gone and so will you.

I hope this helps a little...at least to know that a female sympathizes with you.
Good luck.

[Oldsoul]

Thanks for your input Lychee, Also thank you April for your sympathy. It's great to know that a woman can see a man's side of things.

But thats the problem.....she just says that she doesn't want to have sex. That is her reason, and she thinks that I should just respect her, and take care of my needs on my own. I've explained to her that masturbation is not going to take care of my needs, and she just replies, "well that's your problem, then."

She is really being quite mean about it, actually, but our financial situation right now, and the fact that we have two kids makes things really difficult to just part ways.

As for my male friends, well, they are not really helpful, they suggest getting the sex on the side, but that's not really what I'm after. I really love my wife and want to be faithful, but I need her to show me the affection I need. And to be honest, I really only want to make love to her, and not anyone else.

Any other thoughts?

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by Oldsoul

Thanks for your input Lychee, Also thank you April for your sympathy. It's great to know that a woman can see a man's side of things.

But thats the problem.....she just says that she doesn't want to have sex. That is her reason, and she thinks that I should just respect her, and take care of my needs on my own. I've explained to her that masturbation is not going to take care of my needs, and she just replies, "well that's your problem, then."

She is really being quite mean about it, actually, but our financial situation right now, and the fact that we have two kids makes things really difficult to just part ways.

As for my male friends, well, they are not really helpful, they suggest getting the sex on the side, but that's not really what I'm after. I really love my wife and want to be faithful, but I need her to show me the affection I need. And to be honest, I really only want to make love to her, and not anyone else.

Any other thoughts?

What she is doing is not right at all. She is your wife and you are her husband. You have the right to ask for sex and she has the right to ask that of you.

It's good that you are choosing not to go with the advice of your friends. When I hear people giving advice like this to other people, my heart just drops. I admire that you are remaining loyal to your marriage despite the difficult situation you are in.

Oldsoul...there is not much room for flexibility here. You want something from her and she is not giving it to you. She is refusing other avenues to reach a solution. You are in a difficult place because you want this particular thing from her and only her. The only option I see here is that you: 1) cope with the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with you while remaining loyal to her and to the marriage, or 2) ask for a divorce so that you can fulfill your needs. However the first option doesn't really work because this is something that you need and cannot ignore. You should not put down or ignore what you lawfully desire. The second option doesn't work too well either because you don't and can't really divorce her now for various reasons, and what you want you want from just her.

I'd say you (firmly but compassionately) take a stand. You have rights in this marriage as much as she does. If she says that you should respect her feelings to not have sex, she should also respect your feelings to have sex. Maybe you can ask for a compromise and maybe even set "rules" as you said before where you both can have your desires met.

[Steve Pavlina]

Saying no to sex is her choice of course, but if she's made up her mind and isn't even willing to talk about it, then IMO she's already checked out of the marriage. All you've got left is a living arrangement. The emotional divorce has already occurred. All that's left is to complete the physical divorce, which comes down to filling out paperwork, dividing possessions, and handling child custody intelligently.

I'll recommend two books that should help you a lot in coming to terms with your situation: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum and The Good Divorce by Contance Ahrons. Both should be available on Amazon and probably in bookstores too. The first book will help you diagnose your relationship issues and decide what needs to be done. The second book is something to digest if the result is that you decide to break it off amicably.

If you're still ambivalent after reading the first book, then I'd highly recommend reading Should I Stay or Go? by Lee Raffel. That book is about how to initiate a controlled separation, which I think would be ideal for your situation if you're resistant to divorce.

Although I've read all these books, I've never been separated or divorced. I'm just a very curious person.

The path ahead of you will not be easy no matter what you decide. Just know that regardless of your wife's choices, you deserve to be happy... and to enjoy plenty of sex too.

I think if I went a month, let alone a year, without sex, I would explode.

[Lallymac]

Hi oldsoul,
before you discard your marriage, take an honest look at two things.
Firstly sexual compatibility. Was there a time when you 'both' enjoyed your sexual relationship. If it has always been one sided and she has always been a reluctant participant them maybe you just aren't compatible and you may need to start looking at moving on. If it has been great in the past then there's a chance you can resurect it.
You can't demand sex as marrital right. You just create resentment.
A friend of mine had a similar problem last year. Her and her hubby had young kiddies (sleepless nights) and financial pressures and he constantly pushing her for sex. She wasn't feeling sexy and started seeing him as another demand on her physically and emotionally. They fought over it and she was scared he'd start looking elsewhere. She wanted to be made love to (not just jabbed at by exhausted husband late at night). To be filled up again. To feel like a woman.
In the infamous words of John Grey 'Women need to feel loved to make love, Men need to make love to feel loved.' He wasn't interested in doing the romantic 'bullshit' he called it, so I suggested she created the scene she needed to feel romantic. I suggested 'she' seduce him by sending the kids off to her mums for the night. Then turning the lights down or lighting candles, making a picnic dinner and setting it up on the lounge floor with a bottle of wine. She put on make-up, did her hair, wore a nice dress and was ready when he got home.
He walked in after work and saw the scene, knew he was going to get sex (was instantly keen as) and happily joined in. She taught him what she needed. Next thing he's taking her to dinner and organising romantic liasons again.
Maybe you can make your situation work by remembering or finding out what she needs to feel loved, so you can get the love you need. Win win.
Other people may be able to suggest some things you can try.
Lallymac

[Basu]

I think Lallymac hit the nail on the head. Seduction is the key. Start small, give her foot massages when she feels down, give her a massage when she's tired. Surprise her with something you know she'd like. In a way, do things you'd be doing on your honeymoon. But once again, wait for the right time and don't force anything on her.

[Lola]

Oldsoul - In my opinion/experience, having a good, healthy marital sex life is the natural manifestation of a good, healthy marriage. No sex in a marriage is rarely the problem, but rather the symptom of a deeper, underlying issue.

Are there other (undealt with) issues in your marriage that are resulting in the physical disconnect?

As Lychee said, you want something from her and she is not giving it to you. Is there something she wants from you that you are not giving?

I understand and admire your committment (been there, done that - for longer than a year, Steve and yes, I DID explode! ) but ultimately I have to agree with Steve's comments. Your wife has already checked out of the marriage. It's supremely difficult if not completely pointless to attempt to continue or resurrect a marriage from which one person has already resigned. At the very least, resentment on both sides will do you in before long.

Consider the questions above as well as the other excellent comments from other posters, read the books, weigh the facts, but know that you DO have a right to expect and have a happy, healthy, mutually fulfilling and frequent sex life. And as far as the kids are concerned, I understand your reluctance to break up the family, but consider the effects on them of parents that don't care for each other and the example that sets.

If you only knew how I empathize with your situation. I wish you clarity and peace in working through this.

[Angela]

It's the "get over it" comment that gets me. Sex and affection are part of the marriage agreement. If she refuses to participate in such an essential part of the contract, and then also refuses your goodwill in doing what it takes for both of you to be satisfied and fulfilled, like couples counseling, then it's a unilateral renegotiation of the agreement, and your original marriage contract is no longer valid. If you wish to remain in the marriage, it's up to you to do your side of the renegotiating. Both of you need to agree and commit to terms you can live and love with.

I would go get therapy on your own first to clarify your own views and goals. Saying things out loud to an understanding and experienced third party can really help you in finding out what you really want, and what's possible for you.

Lots of good luck to you.

[siamesesilk]

Hi Oldsoul,

I am sorry that you are having to go through this alone. By that, I mean your wife can't even explain to you in words why she doesn't want to have sex with you. She just expects you to accept her vague reasons and to be "content" with that. How is that possible? Sex is one of the essential things that binds a marriage. The more the better in my opinion.

.....she just says that she doesn't want to have sex. That is her reason, and she thinks that I should just respect her, and take care of my needs on my own. I've explained to her that masturbation is not going to take care of my needs, and she just replies, "well that's your problem, then."

This is hurtful. She needs to explain why this is true. This is very much her problem as well. She needs to hear that.

She is really being quite mean about it, actually, but our financial situation right now, and the fact that we have two kids makes things really difficult to just part ways.

There is no reason to have someone be mean to you. I think denying sex for a year is being mean! I know it would be hard on you and your kids. Yes, you are right in saying that. It will be difficult, without a doubt, but you need happiness, passion and love in your life...and some good sex sooner than later! I would never tell you what to do, you know what you need and want to do.

As for my male friends, well, they are not really helpful, they suggest getting the sex on the side, but that's not really what I'm after.

This is a cowards way of dealing with it. If your true friends have suggested for you to do this then you really need reevaluate them as well.

I really love my wife and want to be faithful, but I need her to show me the affection I need. And to be honest, I really only want to make love to her, and not anyone else.

You are a good man and there is someone (hopefully your wife) who will love you, but you need to start seeking it. I don't mean elsewhere. If you want her love you need to seek it from her. If she isn't willing to talk about it or do it, then you need to decide for yourself, if you are worthy of love. I believe you are worthy of love. You are worthy of love.

[Anima]

Hello, Oldsoul! I feel for you with your dilemma. It sounds like an overriding issue for you in your relationship and in your life. And for good reasons. You seem like a caring person who would like to move towards resolving some of your relationship issues, including connecting more deeply on the physical level with your wife. I believe Dr. Phil said something about when the sex is going well in a relationship, it's a small part of the whole, and when it's not going well, it's a big part of the whole.

I wonder if you've uncovered the brilliance of the law of attraction. What comes to mind for me is a wonderful quote by the brilliant Albert Einstein:

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

Remember your gift, my friend. Activate your Intention to choose and to create, and the logic will follow, bringing to you the means to create your deepest desires. By using the law of attraction--by acknowledging what feels bad for you, turn it around by declaring what you in fact request of life. Focus on what you want to expand! Do you choose--do you declare--that you build stronger healthier channels between your wife and yourself? Your wish is the universe's command! Do you choose/declare to resolve the issues in your relationship that are keeping distance between your wife and yourself? Your wish is the universe's command! They say insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. It is time to create new and healthier patterns for yourself in your relationship! It is fully within your innate power--it is your birthright--to create exactly what you want in your life and your marriage. By evoking the laws of attraction, and by 100% activating your natural ability to create your dreams, you activate the power of your focus. You can exponentially increase your potency in every action you take in your relationship. Do you declare your relationship to be loving on all levels, including physically? Your wish is the universe's command! The amazing part of this process is that you fully control your intentions of what you wish to create, independent of your wife's actions! As you are able to hone your focus to greater and greater degrees, you will see amazing results playing out around yourself. As long as you clearly and consistently set your power of Intention into play it will be revealed to you how to use your emotional and logical intelligences in the service of manifesting your deepest relationship purposes. And it can't hurt in other areas of your life as well!

May you find all the success in your relationship that you choose! Peace to you, friend.

[JHL]

Originally Posted by Oldsoul

I ask her is she loves me, and she says yes. But she does say that right now she doesn't like me. But, again we do fight alot so, it is hard to like someone that you are constantly fighting with.

In the context of a relationship, sex is the canary in the mine. In this case, your 'canary' appears to be mortally wounded. From what you've written, particularly where I've quoted you above, it seems its not so much that your wife doesnt like sex, or doesnt want it, but rather that as a result of the conflict going on between the two of you, she doesnt feel inclined to be intimate with you.

My sense is that sex is not the real issue here, rather whatever you're fighting about is. There are deeper issues at play and sex is just one of the aspects of your relationship that is suffering as a result. Its great that you have suggested counselling to her, and its a real pity she hasnt agreed to go. But I think that if you do want a thriving sex life back, you are going to have to attempt to resolve the real issues with your wife.

I know you've probably tried, and if your wife refuses to go for counselling, then maybe you should go on your own. Steve's post was quite right - you do deserve happines and everything that goes with a healthy relationship. I would suggest you go for counselling on your own if your wife wont. It will help equip you with the tools to gain the happiness you deserve.

[Oldsoul]

Thank you all for you support and kinds words.

I'm not sure I'm ready to throw in the towel quiet yet, but trying romantic things may be a little late, as well. My fear would be that I go ahead and check myself out of the marriage, when things could be better down the road. I don't know, I guess my wife is right when she says that it's my problem, because it looks like I'm going to have to make the decision one way or the other.

I know I have some difficult decisions to make. I will look into those books that Steve recommended. Again, you all had some really kinds words for me in this rough time, and I thank you for that. It's great to know that I'm not the only one at fault here, because that's usually the way I feel after my wife and I talk about things. She usually throws it in my face that I'm just being selfish or being a baby about it. So, to hear some of your views on things, its nice to know that I have a right to be happy.

Thanks again!

OldSoul

[Seraph]

Originally Posted by Oldsoul

My fear would be that I go ahead and check myself out of the marriage, when things could be better down the road. I don't know, I guess my wife is right when she says that it's my problem, because it looks like I'm going to have to make the decision one way or the other.

OldSoul,

Please remember that you can't stay in a relationship based on the premise that it might get better in the future. If you've really tried and things aren't changing then make a decision to be happy.

I say this only based on my personal experience. If things are not good and don't seem to be getting better, how long is it ok to be unhappy and hope that things improve? It's kind of a trick question, because the answer is that you should not have to be in a situation where you feel unhappy, undervalued, un-accepted.

A lot of people have given you some good advice. My only two cents is: set a time limit. If you are going to give it a go then set a specific time when you'll sit down and evaluate whether things have changed or not. You're going to have to be brutally honest with yourself when you do this. If things are exactly as they are now then make a commitment to take action.

If things are improving then that's great and you can set another time to sit down and review it. You might have to do this a couple of times, but if the process works and things keep getting better then you know you have a good chance at making it.

No-one should have to feel unhappy and lost in a relationship.

Seraph.

[CoachChar]

I've been married for nearly 12 years. We made a mess of things almost immediately. About 2 years into the marriage, I asked him to move out and I filed for divorce. We were separated for about 3 months. It was hellish at first because I kept focusing on things I could not control or change: the past; his feelings, thoughts, and actions; what other people (family/friends) were thinking; aspects of the unknowable future; etc. Finally, I got focused on ME in the PRESENT and I became determined to feel good again.

I acknowledged that both of us had some real pain. Then, rather than focusing on what HE could do to make it right for ME, I chose to look at what I could do to improve the situation for me. At this point, we were so angry with each other, I felt like he could have jumped off a cliff and I would not have cared. So, I did my best to just stop thinking about him for a while because I knew my poisonous thoughts toward him were harmful to both of us.

I went into counseling alone. I sought an immediate plan for the marriage. I only needed to explore my emotions, understand my needs and desires, and focus on making better choices that would bring me better results. My healing was quick once I allowed myself to forgive the both of us for the pain we'd caused each other. Then, I could admit that I still cared about him and for him.

Old Soul, I encourage you to realize that your well-being and happiness are NEVER contingent upon someone else's choices. Yes, you do want sex and physical closeness with your wife, but your happiness and well being are within your reach as a result of choices YOU make.

1. Get the counseling for yourself.
2. Search within for peace and love.
3. STOP arguing with your wife. PERIOD! It only makes things worse and nothing will be resolved through arguments.
4. Give up the need to be right.
5. Give up the need to be a victim.

The victim piece is huge. I recommend a book called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. I only discovered this book and philosophy about 2 years ago when my own life coach suggested I read it. Tipping would say:

• Everyone alive today came to their life seeking to experience the illusion of separation and the opposite of love. Our job is to remember who we are and to transform that which is not love into love.
• To that end, your soul asked for the opportunity to learn the lessons that this situation is here to teach you.
• Your wife's soul loves your soul so much that "it" (her soul) is willing to participate in this painful situation so that you actually can go through this situation and have the opportunity to arrive at the healing and growth it affords.
• Therefore, you are not a victim because there's no wrongdoing that has occured. In fact, you have much for which to be grateful.
• In order to benefit from and release this pain, all you need do is be willing to see the perfection in this situation.

This way of looking at life might be tough to swallow. But, before you knock it or pick it apart based solely on my raggedy little explanation, please read the book and see if it resonates with your inner knowing and what you've experienced so far.

Lovingly,
Char

[belugagirl]

I wonder if the tension in your marriage is the result of an unconscious game of emotional chicken. Each of you has needs of some sort that the other is not meeting, and each of you is holding out for what you need and feeling hurt and frustrated because you're not receiving it. Each of you is waiting for the other to give in.

Only in this game of chicken, the person who gives in first--wins! Actually, both of you would! Do you think you could surrender your needs for the moment in order to fulfill hers? Not forever, but as a first step. We don't know what exactly hers are, but you may be able to find out by asking her about them in a loving way. Maybe she feels drained and overwhelmed and doesn't feel "up to" sex, and now because it's been an issue, resents your insistence on it. Maybe if you're fighting about other things, she (understandably) isn't turned on by bickering or is lacking enough trust in you right now to be eager for sex. It could be lots of things, but I think the fact that she says she doesn't "like" you right now is a big clue that there is a deeper problem than lack of sexual intimacy.

I would advise having a frank but kind discussion with her about your relationship. Tell her what you told us, especially the parts about how you want to make love with only her and how it's not about "getting sex" for pleasure but rather about intimacy with her and only her. My guess is she won't be able to identify exacly why she doesn't want to have sex. Accept this for now. People don't always have reasons (or the ability to articulate the reasons) for the way they feel. You make the first move in reaching a compromise. Tell her that you will back off about the sex. Would that take the pressure off her? Would she be willing to give a few extra hugs and kisses here and there to help keep some emotional intimacy between you? You would really like that, and it would make you feel better.

And then . . . most important, this . . . ask her what she needs from you. NOT what she needs in order to be game for sex again! What does she need from you to feel more loved, more secure, more relaxed, more easy in your relationship. Whatever she says, give her that as your love gift. Give it or do it _without_ expectation of sex. Otherwise, it's not a gift; it's an exchange. Do it because you love her and you want her to be happy. Yes, you deserve to be happy, too. Try making her happy first.

See how this affects your relationship (in terms of the fighting, not in terms of sex). Communicate often and keep asking if you are meeting her emotional needs. Do let her know if there's anything (non sex) that she could do to make you feel loved and secure, and if she does it, beam and reciprocate by doing one of the things she especialy loves from you. For example, you might aske her to compliment you when you're especially good with the kids--tell you what a good father you are. When she does, show your happiness AND tell her what a great mother she is.

After a good deal of time has passed . . . if things are going better and there is less arguing and more affection . . . have another intimate discussion and tell her how much you love her--even more and more as you've been getting along better and better--and that you would really like to show her your love by making love to her (better wording than "have sex") when the moment is right, and how would she feel about that? She'll likely be tentative or ambivalent even out of habit. Then agree to take it one step at a time. Ask her, would she like to just touch and cuddle for a while?

If she does start to get more physically intimate with you, DO NOT move toward sex without verbal consent from her. If she initiates, ask her if she's sure she's ready. (If she's initiating, she likely will be, but she will appreciate your respecting her feelings on the matter.)

At all cost, avoid arguments. My husband and I call them "discussions." Maybe if you both can start to think about them that way (even as heated discussions) and conduct them accordingly, their effect on your mutual affection and trust will be minimized. I'm guessing after you build up trust and affection again, the physical intimacy may follow suit.

Geez, I should just hang out a shingle. Sorry so long. Just my suggestion, in case any part of it is helpful. I can say from experience that I generally feel most amorous when I feel most confident in the quality of our relationship as a whole. Perhaps your wife will, too.

Best of luck. I hope that your marriage will heal and then blossom!

[mentalmosaic]

Wow, I am new to this forum there's a lot of sage advice here! I just clicked on this thread out of the blue and have been really impressed by the level of input from everyone.

Anyway...

Two things popped into my mind as I read your post, Oldsoul.

1) Has your wife seen a doctor about her diminished libido?

Many times a hormonal balance is the root cause of a low libido. She may just need to use some testosterone cream - yes, even us gals need testosterone! (And don't worry, she won't suddenly grow a beard or sound like the Jolly Green Giant.)

I know someone who uses testosterone cream. It's a guy, actually, and he said that, for him, using testosterone cream was like having the world go from black and white to technicolor.

2) At the end of your post, you mentioned that she says that you are the one with the problem, not her.

Ouch! Isn't part of being a loving couple sharing in each other's burdens? I mean, if my partner is unhappy, while I may not feel it's my fault in any manner, I certainly feel that it is my problem as well as his!

I look forward to hearing how things are going for you. Hang in there!

Best wishes,
Tui

mental mosaic - pick up your pieces; make something pretty

[Kamma]

Some great advice for you oldsoul. I would look further into the fact that your wife's sex drive has gone to zero. Is she suffering from depression or have major worries?

I'm saying this as a woman who has gone through periods of diminished sex drive in the past. Luckily my now husband stuck with it (he did cheat on me once but we made it through). I was suffering from extremely low self esteem and when I didn't have sex I would feel worse but I couldn't because I felt so low. It was an extremely vicious circle.

Speak to your wife but unfortunately if she doesn't feel there is anything wrong and is unwilling to deal with the situation then I fear your marriage is at the end.

[Isis Kali]

If she doesn't want counselling, and doesn't want to even try meeting you halfway, then I'm not seeing much to be optimistic about. You can make yourself as shinyhappyprettyclear as you want on your own, but the relationship is two people, not one. You cannot control her reality. She has to chose to bring that reality into alignment with yours. She doesn't want to. That's that.

Actually, it sounds like she's using sex for control, in a way. That turns my stomach, man. Not cool. It may be that she needs a shock in the form of you waltzing out the door for a separation. It's not a marriage unless both of you are happy, and your wife doesn't appear to care a plumb fig if you're happy or not.

[ming]

I am a woman and we women have sex mostly if the man turns us on. That´s to say if we enjoy sex with a man, we tend to want more, if we don´t enjoy sex with that man, we reject. Having sex unwillingly is demeaning, but I know some women with low self-confidence do.
My advise, try to please your woman phisically and the more you please her the more you'll get for yourself.

[Dr Gonzo]

Originally Posted by Oldsoul

Hello All!
For about the last 5 years sex has been few and far between. Currently, it has been about a year since my wife and I have had sex. We do fight about it quite a bit. Again, our marriage is not perfect, but sex is really the main problem. If I could just forget about sex, we'd probably get along pretty well, but I cannot.

Well of course you can't. A woman who you don't have sex with is your friend - not wife/girlfriend. If, as you say later, she is unwilling to attend counselling or make any effort to remedy the situation, you are out of options.

You need to divorce this woman - just tell her straight it's fine if she doesn't want sex, you can just be friends, here are the divorce papers.

Staying together "for your kids" is teaching them all the wrong lessons about relationships and about life. Do your kids a favour - have an amicable divorce and if they are old enough explain to them that although you are still friends you are no longer attracted to one another, if they are not old enough frame it in a way that seems appropriate to you, but one way or another level with your kids - I'm sure they will surprise you with how well they will deal with it.

I ask her is she loves me, and she says yes. But she does say that right now she doesn't like me. But, again we do fight alot so, it is hard to like someone that you are constantly fighting with.

You are co-dependent. That isn't love. It commonly passes for it, but it isn't.

motivate myself to do anything. Which is a bummer because a little affection from her would be all I need to get out of this depression.

And then you would be making your happiness dependent on someone else. That is not a healthy way to live. You need to get away from this dysfunctional woman and find yourself as a single person again, so you can be happy without anyone else having to do anything.

Gonzo