Problems in relationship with fiancee...

[soul83]

OK I might as well share my full story here and see what you guys think.

I've been in a relationship with a Chinese girl for the past 2 years (we did the first 8 months via long distance). I moved to China to teach English and to be with her. We've visited the parents, had them come to stay with us (so her mum could cook for us while we were both working) and I've visited her hometown a couple of times already. We have applied for the Prospective Marriage Visa and will be heading back to Australia by the end of April. We are engaged to marry in December.

OK it sounds great but actually it isn't. For starters, I accept her career as an international tour guide (we only see each other for about a week each month - broken up into a couple of days each time). I would be completely fine with this now as there's only a couple of months left before we go back to Australia where we will be with each other a lot.

But I am carrying a lot of resentment over a couple of problems. I need to get them off my chest. Firstly, I hate that we haven't really had any dates for so long. Sure we have gone out to dinner and most of the time we spend what little time we have together just sitting at home watching a movie in the evening and cuddling. Before she started her international tours I wasn't happy to just spend all our time at home whilst she went out nearly every day of the week to spend it with her friends...she didn't have time to go out with me but argued that we see each other every night and morning seeing as we live together, so what's the big deal? She just doesn't get it.

If I asked her for a night out or tried to plan something I would always get the 'I'm not sure' text. I tried to argue with her but again she started the usual crap about how we see each other every night/morning so we don't need to go out...then she said 'let's go out to the xxx botannical garden parkland'. I said great let's do that! But I called for an interview :-/ So instead I found out that she had gone with her friend.

Then things started getting more sus. She never made time for us to meet outside - would always be working and meeting her friends. I asked her a couple of weeks ago about her job for the day and she told me she was just taking her tourist to the hotel. Then I found out that night she had gone with the tourist to another city nearby and had known about it for some time. When I tried to call her in the evening when I finished my classes, she was busy talking to some guy in the metro and I thought hang on a minute this doesn't sound right (what happened was that she answered but forgot to hang up so I listened for about 10mins and could hear her laughing and going on in the background with some guy). I called her back and she said she was busy and had to go. I questioned her about it and she used the excuse that it was one of her tour guide friends from the nearby city and that they were discussing her tours.

It sounded VERY sus. So I did some digging and discovered that she has kept in contact with a married guy from her company. I've met this guy before. I've tried adding him to messenger but he blocked me. They discussed this and she said 'don't worry about him'... now I have questioned her before about her involvement with this guy and she says it's strictly for work only - but I don't believe it as they have contacted each other too frequently on the messenger. He always tries to flirt with her (she doesn't respond to it) and I found messages from months ago about him asking if she was in her underwear. I can't believe all this happened to me. I really believed her when she said she wasn't interested in Chinese guys and esp. a married guy. Why the hell were they contacting each other. But this takes the cake: on the day of her birthday they spoke briefly and he mentioned something about taking me to the store to buy some sex equipment and he tried to ask us out for dinner. She didn't respond and turned off the computer. We then made out (I had no idea of their conversation) and spent the rest of the evening together like nothing happened. The next day after she had visited the office she told me that she had gone out to lunch with this guy to celebrate her birthday.

Right now it looks like she's cheated me for the past 9 months. I'm furious and ready to tell her to go to hell. All the times I had this gut feeling something wasn't right, but every time I checked on her she was with her female friends - never with this bloke. I even followed her to her workplace and checked to see and everything checked out. So perhaps it's been something small but I am extremely suspicious and about to sit her down and sus this out with her. And probably ask her point blank if she really likes this guy and what the hell she thinks she is doing. There's only 3 months to go before we go back to Australia and I discover this **** now...just great. I know she won't have time to do anything suspicious now because she is too busy working. But it's the thought of what she has done that has turned me off the idea of marrying her. I'm not even sure if I can go ahead with bringing her into my parents home in a couple of months time.

What to do? What's done is done but it doesn't change the fact that she may have emotionally cheated on me. I don't believe that they have done anything more than meet under the guise of 'work colleagues'.

It's a horrible situation to be placed in. But it might explain the lack of interest in going out with me (aside from the money factor as she wants me to save hard for the wedding). Lately everyday has to be shared with her contacting this friend or that friend. I don't get one full day of her attention. I had a small argument about her going back on our plans to go out (her friend contacted her and told her about a work chinese new year party). During the argument I went on about how she doesn't have time for me and she claimed that I always do that and she proceeded to try and shout me down and tell me that if I kept it up she would kick me out - what the hell? It's my apartment lol.

Fair enough she had to go to this event to put in her face to the bosses but something didn't seem right when she came back earlier and said that it was only a small meeting and the bosses were busy and had to cancel the evening. I'm never able to come to these gigs because a foreigner wouldn't exactly be welcome amongst a Chinese organisation. They would ridicule my fiancee and accuse her of playing around with the foreigners. Many Chinese still laugh at the women who choose foreigners - esp. the Chinese men as some can't accept their women choosing someone from another country.

OK you can see my predicament. She does love me. We are together every night, we are intimate and she tells me she loves me via texts etc. Everything else except for the spending time together, falls into place. I tried to let that resentment go as when we move to Australia she won't have any friends to begin with and she will be more likely to cling to me - I clung to her a bit because she was all I had for the first 6 months until I got really settled and made more friends here.

I don't know what to do? The first thing is to follow some good advice I was given and talk more with her (there's a way to sus her out that I'm going to use). We don't communicate well enough for my liking. She shares most of her emotions with this guy and her other friends. Because I presume they share her language. Her English is pretty good but sometimes there's a few words she won't understand. I have to be very careful as I have a tendency to revert to normal speech around her - because we are so comfortable with each other. I usually save the slow talking and explanations for my job - when I come home I don't want to keep that up :-/

We do need to talk more though. I feel like we haven't discussed the major topics that really need discussing and should have been discussed prior to us applying for the visa - no use trying to sort out things once we get to Australia. Most importantly for me, I am still nervous about being used to get into the country. I know that sounds horrible but given the past couple of months I haven't really had any positive signs. We just don't connect the way I would like - emotionally and in a way that brings about passion. Something more exciting :-/ Just something is really missing and bland.

I crave that feeling of being connected and being able to communicate about everything. God I am the sort of person that loves to ramble on about philosophical issues, political issues, the problems with the world...the nature and psychology of people etc etc. But even just being able to talk about having kids, our upcoming marriage, our plans for the future. All of that needs more thorough discussion. But she's immature and doesn't really like to sit and talk for hours. Not a positive sign!!!

OK After all of that, what are your opinions? Think that with a lot more work, I can solve our problems? What to do about this guy? I'm putting my foot down in regards to that issue and trying to stamp out the communication between them. It's bs even if they only discuss their work. At the same time, I cannot control her - BUT she has overstepped the line with him already.

What's most concerning is that since lodging for this visa, she hasn't sat down to talk about the marriage. She is too wrapped up in her work. I feel like I'm doing all the planning and she's just going to show up on the day!!! Again, makes me think she sees this whole thing as a business prospect. I am really getting cold feet and trying to decide if I should call everything off.

[Frankmat]

Can I be brutally honest. I think you know the answer deep down already...

[Experience]

Wow some people have drama filled lifes. Mate i reckon you stick with it if you want a wife. Communicate to her what you want and make it fun. Perhaps play akon loud in your house, make chocolate available to eat, grind with her, and whisper in her ear what you want to do with\to her. I cant relate because id rather wank to hardcore porn on my pc screen. Good luck with it all.

[Andrew Gubb]

Well, I wish you luck anyways! Whatever happens, being in China won't have been a waste as you'll have seen so much -- if that's any consolation to you, which come to think of it it might not be too much atm Sorry. I really hope things turn out all right, however they need to turn out, anyway.

Andrew

[aelle]

Hey soul,

What does being faithful mean to you? What does being in a relationship imply to you - in terms of comitments, expectations from your partner, responsibilities?

What does marriage mean to you?
What do you imagine married life will be like, daily? In the long term?
Why did you think this particular girl should be your wife? Why did you propose when you did?

I would suggest that you start by sitting by yourself and answer these questions honestly. Then I suggest you bring them up with your girlfriend and discuss them seriously. See if you are on the same page, and if not, if you both can see a way to get on the same page or compromise in an acceptable manner.

Honestly, if it were me in the situation, I would postpone the wedding and call off the prospective marriage visa. These are not conversations you want to have on a deadline.

[sweety]

well i had a story kinda like that..i moved twice to the other side of the world because of guys.. the first one was an a**hole so i came back,the second one, were nice but very confused in our relationship, so it took me so much time to be brave and end up the things because i didnt wanted to keep that drama going in my life,so what i tell you,is, talk to her everything you think and feel..if she didnt change or doesnt make any effort, just move on - i know its extremelly hard, but this kind of things happen in peoples life, and after a while,you will be recovered and ready for the next adventure.. i had problems the 2 times i left my country for a guy, but i would do all again, every person is a new person, different things happens, and people move on and get experience

[Indiana]

Well, it definitely sounds like there are a lot of things that you need to discuss before you move to Australia and get married. It sounds like you have rushed in a bit.

However, I'm not convinced from what you've written that your girlfriend is necessarily cheating on you, even emotionally. It sounds to me like you require more 'couple-time' than she does, and that there are other issues hindering your communication (lack of fully shared language, for a start). But by your own admission, she doesn't respond unfaithfully at all to the guy you're so worried about, and even after all your 'checking up', you never caught her doing anything untoward. To me, that sounds like the problem is really your insecurity.

You sound extremely angry and wound up, like you're ready to fire off lots of accusations at her and spew out resentments, even though you don't really have anything to accuse her of, apart from having different preferences for the way you spend time together, and a friendship with a guy who likes her. Remember: this is the woman you've been planning to spend your life with. You supposedly love her, and you believe she loves you. If you want things to work out, how do you think it's best to approach her? In anger, suspicion and resentment? Or in love and trust?

[Lauxa]

Sorry you are going through all this drama. I think I would try some EFT... "even though I am experiencing this anxiety/insecurity/anger I deeply and completely love and accept myself."

To me, emotional cheating isn't a real thing. Maybe this guy is sweet and flattering and useful; I'm sure she can handle herself without it turning into something carnal.

Also maybe you were being kind of clingy and so that caused her to want some space. Maybe she is worried that you won't fit in with her friends and culture. I think it could be cool to bring her to Australia and see how things go when the shoe is on the other foot.

I personally would not marry someone without discussing the big issues. These being (1) boundaries of the relationship (2) finances (3) kids. Talking is more fun with lots of cuddles.