When friends expressing concern feels like stalking...

[C33]

I am still not done with grieving the loss of my father, last year and need a lot of peace and quiet.

When I was in my hometown, I locked myself in my home, seeking solace in solitude, and 2 of my best friends kindly came over to check on me, which came from the right place. Nevertheless, it always came at the price of having to listen to their problems. I didn t have the energy to even talk about my feelings, so they filled in the blanks of the conversation with a lot of mundanities, things of no interest, and petty problems I didn t care about. ( 1 of them said she felt uneasy with me not saying anything, so she had to talk )


Before Christmas, I had to tell them that I needed time away from them, I told them I wanted a different relationship with them,where, instead of endlessly talking about the same problems, we would seek to improve ourselves and encourage ourselves through growth.

1 of them felt insulted and stopped talking to me, which I understood, and the other said she understood me, and would make the effort to be more of a listener. Now she recently emailed me and said she had so much to TELL me...upon my return. The other girl, apparently, had a change of heart,went to my home and asked about me. ( I am abroad for a few months)

I know it should be flattering to have such dedicated friends, but I feel angry at them. I feel stalked and not heared. These are good people nevertheless, I think it might get to the point where I will be so frustrated that I ll tell them to F**k off and leave me alone.

My perception is that they always pretend to be concerned about my well being, but always end up acting against it by acting like being concerned about their problems.

Not all my friends are like that, so this is not just me thinking negatively about my friendships,very strangely, these women who say that I am their best friend, seem to want to completely ignore my boundaries and ignore the fact that I have changed and will not go back to the old me.

I feel anxious at the idea to go back home and to have them dropping by, or calling me to see me.

Am I exagerating or is this a protection mechanism I should trust?

[thestral]

Those are not friends, those are people seeking an audience for their drama and wanting you to share some with them. If you've told them flat out to stop burdening you with their issues because it drains you emotionally and they continue, you are betetr off ditching them. I had my "friend" the drama queen. Every week I was regaled by tales of her conquests, her bitchy co-workers and her sessions with her therapist. Then she'd cry when I did not do the same. When she'd leave I felt like I'd been sucked clean of all energy.

I finally told her flat out that there would be no more talk about that stuff. She got huffy with me and had a good yell, then we never talked again. I don't miss her. I'd rather have my sanity and my energy.

[missy]

I've had loads of friends like this.

There's nothing wrong with talking to your friends and wanting to talk to about your problems and issues. That is normal. There IS something wrong with them talking about it CONSTANTLY and ALL the time - without any regard for how you feel about them unloading all their problems on you. If you've clearly stated that it's not okay then they will either
1) deal with it - accept the fact that it's not okay for them to do that. and try to build a friendship on other things
OR
2) you'll give it - decide you can deal with this. and let them be
OR
3) they go on they way they are and you make the choice to end the friendship or seriously minimize contact with them.

Be prepared for number 3. I've had friends who would call me up and talk to their heart's content about their own issues and never NOT once even ask how I was doing - people like that don't change easily. Especially if they aren't true friends who care about your well-being...

[C33]

My best friend is like family ( I spend Christmas with her, am the Godmother of her son).
I am not the only one to refuse to bear the burden of her choices: Her parents refused flat out to support her in shouldering the consequences of her behavior.
Yet, I feel bad about making her feel abandoned.

There is also guilt involved:

Others have expressed concern that I would act the same way with them, and "dump" them, because we project the image of the twin sisters.

This "twin" blamed me for being a narcissist, adding Narcissus didn t end up very well. She also said she "forgave" me...as if I had done something bad to her.

I am concerned she/ and the other woman will drop by my home, unannounced, and that I will not have the heart to turn them away.This doesn t seem like proper behavior with people you have held dear for years.

The thing is: the more I push them away, the more they use manipulative/ aggressive strategies to draw me in:

My best friend used her child as a lure ( Stating he had a Christmas present for me and wanted to see me).I love her kids . Yet, seeing them means seeing her.
She is very inappropriate and talks about personal, adult themed issues in front of them. I know their presence will not stop her from talking.

The other friend drops by unexpectedly and leaves notes and presents, even if I say I don t feel social.

I am wondering what, in my attitude and behavior, allows these women to treat me that way? What triggers their harassing ways?