On Brink Of Divorce

[clean4you]

I cheated on my wife a 6 months into marraige after we had been together for 6 years. About 6 months after cheating she was telling me she cheated prior to getting married. I then told her about cheating since marriage. Life has been hell since for about 3 years. She is mean and hateful all the time. We have 2 kids.

I get really close to ending the marriage but think about the kids and being a weekend dad. I have changed, I'm clean, I dont' cheat, I have forgiven her, forgiven me, and asked her to forgive.

What I did was wrong, but she can't seem to forgive and let go of resentments. We've tried counseling, breaks from each other, extra time with each other. All kinds of stuff.

I feel compelled to take care of myself and I am suppose to leave. I have a right to be happy and to be with someone who treats me wll. But everytime I'm sure I will leave I get scared and try to stick it out. I just don't know how much longer I can hang on.

[Archmode]

if youre not comfortable anymore, go ahead. You both deserve to be happy, and if being together is keeping you from that, you should look for someone else. Im sure that if you both explain the situation to your kids, theyll understand.

[ssandra]

Have you asked her what she needs before she can forgive you and move on?

Have you even asked her if she is in theory willing to forgive and move on, or if she prefers to stay in this state?

Ask her those 2 questions with one rule in mind. You are not allowed to answer her. You are allowed to ask her for clarification and tell when you understand, but you are not allowed to argue with her, make her wrong, make you wrong etc. No matter what she says.

[clean4you]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Have you asked her what she needs before she can forgive you and move on?

Have you even asked her if she is in theory willing to forgive and move on, or if she prefers to stay in this state?

Ask her those 2 questions with one rule in mind. You are not allowed to answer her. You are allowed to ask her for clarification and tell when you understand, but you are not allowed to argue with her, make her wrong, make you wrong etc. No matter what she says.

Yes and Thank you! I've asked these questions. She says she wants to forgive and move on but just can't, that she is more comfortable to stay in an angry state. I've seen glimpses of hope, but so few and far.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by clean4you

Yes and Thank you! I've asked these questions. She says she wants to forgive and move on but just can't, that she is more comfortable to stay in an angry state. I've seen glimpses of hope, but so few and far.

Ok, so what does she need (from you or from herself) to move on and/or to forgive?

(not what you think she might need, even if you know her like the inside of your pocket. What does SHE think she needs?)

[votoshka]

Hmm I'd understand if she couldn't forgive you IF she hadn't cheated herself...but she did. You're both therefore at the same point, you need to forgive each other! It seems you have forgiven her, but she can't let go of it, even though she did exactly the same to you! Have you tried counselling?

The hardest thing is when there are kids involved...it seems worth it almost to stick with a bad marriage so you can be with them! I haven't yet seen a custody arrangement that I like...either way someone misses out!