commitment

[lori830]

Can anyone tell me what to do about a man who admitted to falling in love with me, admits to always running since he was hurt by his ex-wife (has been divorced 7 years) and says he is so afraid of being hurt again he doesnt know if he will ever get over it and isnt sure if he will ever be ready for a relationship - even though we have a relationship that has been amazing. He admitted last week he was in love with me and the next day I could sense a change in him. Any hope of saving this?

[Indiana]

I think he has been pretty open and clear with you. What are you confused about?

One of the biggest reasons we get hurt is that we refuse to believe people when they tell us who they are.

If it were me, I'd tell him I care about him but am not looking for a partner who is going to run off on me or who isn't ready for a relationship. Ask him if he can do that or not. If he says, 'I don't think so', or 'I don't know' then you know you staying with him will mean you are highly likely to get hurt.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by lori830

Any hope of saving this?

No.

He's being honest with you as best he can: he is not willing to be in the kind of relationship you want. Believe him.

edit: on the same page as Indiana.

[faithsdaddy]

Have a talk about it. Lay it all out and don't come away from the conversation with anything unsaid. If at the end of it, you don't feel that it will be different with you, then I suggest you call it a day. The longer you leave it, the more it will hurt and the harder it will be to break up.

I would go into the conversation with the attitude that a break up is most likely, but being open to being wrong. That way you won't (theoretically) hold on to a doomed relationship just because of one teeny weeny thing he said to give you a tiny glimpse of hope.

Have a good friend ready so that if it doesn't go well, you'll have someone to turn to. Friends make situations like this much easier to bear.

[martha]

1. Set aside a sizable block of time to focus on a particular problem, rather than attending to it in scattered sessions.
2. Work out a plan for attacking the problem.
3. Establish subgoals: solve part of the problem and go on from there. You don’t have to do everything at once.
4. Write out your thoughts. This allows you to capture important points and to come back to them later. It also allows you to look for patterns.
5. Think of a similar problem you’ve solved in the past and build on the strategy you used then.
6. Use analogies whenever possible. See whether you can generalize from a situation similar to your current problem.
7. Trust your intuition. Take a guess and see whether you can back it up.
8. Play with ideas and possible approaches. Try looking at the same situation in a number of different ways.