How do you handle religious spam from friends/relatives?

[CoachChar]

I recently reconnected by email with a couple that my husband and I used to be close friends with back when we were all newlyweds and in the military. I enjoy receiving the occasional update from the wife and I love seeing pictures of their beautiful children.

My issue is that she often sends or forwards prayers, sermons, stories, and chain letters that are religious in nature and authored by someone other than her. Some weeks she sends 3 or more of these religious messages. I strongly prefer to not receive them. In the past, when I've been bombarded with spam (religous or otherwise), I've politely explained to the sender that I really would prefer to only receive messages from them if they are having to do with them and their family (i.e., please, no more stories about kids who need organ transplants, bogus offers from "Microsoft" and Disneyland, or prayers that must be sent to 10 people to prove my love for God or Jesus...). The two times I did this I was totally cut off because the person felt rejected, attacked, embarassed or offended. I realize that such a response is about them, not me. At the same time I would like ideas about how others have handled similar situations.

My husband's suggestion is to "spare her feelings" and the drama that would be caused by asking her to stop and simply have all her messages sent to the spam folder. Then I could occasionally search the spam folder for messages that I do want to read. Great, that's one possible way of handling it. As I mentioned, another option is to ask her to stop sending the religious mail my way. I find it hard to believe that my only two options are 1) put up with all their spam to maintain a relationship or 2) risk totally ending the relationship.
Any ideas about a more moderate solution?

I think the bigger issue for me is about how to interact with people who assume that I share their beliefs when I don't. I would never share my spiritual perspective with anyone unless they asked me to, nor would I assume that I know what they believe. I wonder what my discomfort in these situations signifies about me. What's my lesson here?

As I reread this message I am beginning to feel like my issue with what these other people are doing is a reflection of how I can sometimes come off as "righteous" or superior. Hmmmmm.... If that's what this is really about, I suspect my work is to "be the change I want to see in the world". Wise friends, what do you have to say that will help me?

Thanks,
Char

[RT Wolf]

Perhaps you need new ways of talking to people? That is, maybe you can improve your communication skills? Difficult Conversations, Crucial Converstations, good books handling this sort of situation.

[CoachChar]

I'm known in my social circles as being someone who has a "way with words". I usually do quite well with broaching difficult subjects with sensitivity.

However, my communication style can be quite direct and sometimes it doesn't land well. I'll look into those resources for some new approaches to try.

I'm always interested in improving my communication skills. Thanks, RT Wolf!

I'm also wondering what I've been doing to attract this particular situation...

As a follow up, I did write her and stated that I'm not a member of any religious group by choice and that I'd prefer to not receive religious mail. I shared that I can clearly see how God uses her to bless others and I stressed that I hope to keep receiving great news and pictures about her family because I care about them very much. We'll see how it goes.

Char

[starlet]

I used to get all those forwards from a few friends, so I sent them a message. I pretty much said that I have precious little time to be on the 'net, and all these emails were cluttering my inbox and taking my time away from meaningful conversations with them themselves. And I'd rather have time to converse with them.

Forwards stopped, friendships did not

[CoachChar]

Starlet, I like the simplicity of your response to this kind of situation.

You helped me remember that when I made a similar request in 1999 most of my friends and relatives honored it without any real drama. It's interesting that what stood out in my mind as I wrote my original post today were the two people who took offense and stopped writing me completly. I felt rejected and misunderstood by them. Ironcially, they probably stopped writing me for the same reason! Talk about people being mirrors! One of those people is estranged from several other relatives, so when we add her issues into the mix with mine, who can make sense of it really?

[pinkhighlighter]

When someone starts sending me fwds, I always send them a short e-mail saying "No fwds please, but feel free to e-mail me whenever you like." It works quite well. Some people you have to remind once or twice. Don't worry about someone being offended. You don't have to mention the fact that the fwds etc are religious. Just say something like I do. Most people are very understanding.

[thestral]

Originally Posted by CoachChar

Starlet, I like the simplicity of your response to this kind of situation.

I live by the KISS method - Keep It Stunningly Simple

Most people do not seem to realize that othes may be annoyed by spam, because no one ever says anything to them. Squeaky wheel and all that jazz.

[da1prophet]

Originally Posted by CoachChar

I recently reconnected by email with a couple that my husband and I used to be close friends with back when we were all newlyweds and in the military. I enjoy receiving the occasional update from the wife and I love seeing pictures of their beautiful children.

My issue is that she often sends or forwards prayers, sermons, stories, and chain letters that are religious in nature and authored by someone other than her. Some weeks she sends 3 or more of these religious messages. I strongly prefer to not receive them. In the past, when I've been bombarded with spam (religous or otherwise), I've politely explained to the sender that I really would prefer to only receive messages from them if they are having to do with them and their family (i.e., please, no more stories about kids who need organ transplants, bogus offers from "Microsoft" and Disneyland, or prayers that must be sent to 10 people to prove my love for God or Jesus...). The two times I did this I was totally cut off because the person felt rejected, attacked, embarassed or offended. I realize that such a response is about them, not me. At the same time I would like ideas about how others have handled similar situations.

My husband's suggestion is to "spare her feelings" and the drama that would be caused by asking her to stop and simply have all her messages sent to the spam folder. Then I could occasionally search the spam folder for messages that I do want to read. Great, that's one possible way of handling it. As I mentioned, another option is to ask her to stop sending the religious mail my way. I find it hard to believe that my only two options are 1) put up with all their spam to maintain a relationship or 2) risk totally ending the relationship.
Any ideas about a more moderate solution?

I think the bigger issue for me is about how to interact with people who assume that I share their beliefs when I don't. I would never share my spiritual perspective with anyone unless they asked me to, nor would I assume that I know what they believe. I wonder what my discomfort in these situations signifies about me. What's my lesson here?

As I reread this message I am beginning to feel like my issue with what these other people are doing is a reflection of how I can sometimes come off as "righteous" or superior. Hmmmmm.... If that's what this is really about, I suspect my work is to "be the change I want to see in the world". Wise friends, what do you have to say that will help me?

Thanks,
Char

Obviously you're looking for something a little more subtle than a tersely worded email that says "There *IS* no God"

The "no forwarded messages" suggestion is a good one. Alternately, you can take matters into your own hands--in most email clients its easy to set up filters either by subject, sender, recipient number, etc. With a little work you can filter chain letters from a particular "offender" while still getting personal email. Or you can just do what I do and click it and ignore it...

The dealing with others who (mistakenly) assume you share their beliefs is a different issue. In most cases, I just ignore it. There's this guy I know on a very casual level who'll occasionally cc me on some piece of far right wing claptrap. My guess is that he's sending it to everyone on his contact list and not just thinking that I'd be receptive to it. Since I see this guy less than once a year I don't really worry about it one way or another.

From what you said these people fall more into that category and my guess is that you're getting the same stuff as everyone else who's ever emailed them. That means that they're not taking into account your personal beliefs--of course since you haven't been close with them in a number of years how could they?

For someone you deal with on a casual basis, I wouldn't worry about it. Read and respond to the emails you want, trash the rest (or let your email filters do it for you).

If you don't want to relegate her to the spam folder, it's also easy to set up a folder just for her and filter all mail from her address there. You can scan it every week or so for "personal" email to you and just trash the rest...

Were this someone you dealt with more regularly there might be some value in letting her know that you're not on the same spiritual page as she is. In this case, I really don't think its worth the hassle...

[CoachChar]

Thanks for the response. I had a few giggles reading what you wrote. (On a serious note, I do believe in God in a big way...) I have not heard from this contact since I wrote her a couple of days ago. I do hope she'll say hello and send pics of the kids from time to time. I'm guessing that at least she'll remove me from her usual distribution list. If we're ever to get anywhere close to the kind of friendship we once had, she'd need to know this about me. Otherwise, I'd feel like I wasn't being congruent within the relationship.

Take care!
Char