Family, love em, hate em, cant leave em

[Smartass]

I am a 20 year old son and in the weekends I come back home from school to my family. I come home because I long to be with them because I love them. When I get home I am full of energy and share my love.

But my parents and my brother and sister all trigger negative emotions in me. I think they resemble parts of myself which I have hate for. They seem to suck out all my energy and seem to feed on my troubles. By sunday I feel empty and sloggish and anger seems to boil up and the only thing I can do from going all apeshit caveman on the house is clench my fists. I can't help but thinking they don't like to see me happy.

Steve Pavlina describes this as people who stand in the way of growth as a sign of what you need to move away from. Find other loving connections that make you feel happy and help you achieve your goals and what not.

I still cling on finding a way to be strong enough to not let myself be bothered. I want to express my love to my family without needing anything in return. I want to not be affected by their personalities or masks. I think the best way to describe it is that we are very very very much not a vibrational match haha..

Can anyone tell me where to start with this process if it is possible at all? Any personal experiences.

[James81]

Yes, I have loads of experience dealing with this and have lots of successvin moving beyond it without putting them out of my life.

And it starts with you, and examining inwardly what they trigger inyou and the meanings you make about yourself from it. It helps to reexamine your childhood roles with them and what came out of it as well.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Smartass

I think they resemble parts of myself which I have hate for. .

I think that is very insightful! Resolve that inner conflict, and the external conflict will *POOF* disappear, easily and effortlessly.

If you don't have the resources to do that, I think staying away from your family is a valid choice, but it leaves the internal gunk in place and that will almost certainly rear its head again in the future, if not with mom/sis/bro, with your future wife or children, or in some other relationship.

I think the family trouble can feel especially overwhelming and impossible because so many aspects of your internal stuff is represented them at once, and in concentrated form, and they're interactive, like tangled up wires -- so much to take on! But it's not like you have to resolve all of it all at once... you can take it on in bite-size pieces, one aspect at a time. When you take in on in manageable bits, your power tends to snowball.

[elucidate]

This was a helpful reminder for me as well. Thanks Angela.

Originally Posted by Angela

I think that is very insightful! Resolve that inner conflict, and the external conflict will *POOF* disappear, easily and effortlessly.

If you don't have the resources to do that, I think staying away from your family is a valid choice, but it leaves the internal gunk in place and that will almost certainly rear its head again in the future, if not with mom/sis/bro, with your future wife or children, or in some other relationship.

I think the family trouble can feel especially overwhelming and impossible because so many aspects of your internal stuff is represented them at once, and in concentrated form, and they're interactive, like tangled up wires -- so much to take on! But it's not like you have to resolve all of it all at once... you can take it on in bite-size pieces, one aspect at a time. When you take in on in manageable bits, your power tends to snowball.

[ginkgo]

The universe is teaching you something. It is up to you if you want to learn what it is teaching you. It is teaching you that you will not find the peace that you are looking for in friends and family. The peace that you are looking for is inside of you.

See this webpage to see more about what top psychologists and others say about this. That is if you are really serious about what you are asking. To change you must be willing to take action.

[Smartass]

Yes thanks, I do not think I'm ready yet. But I like to know what I can expect. I have some other things to do first but this is defenitely a fight coming up. Bits and pieces like Angela said, but the strength needed for this I do not yet have. It is to easy to fall back in old habits in an old environment.

Your answers was what I had expected but not what I had secretly hoped for. Easy but yet very hard. I guess I had to hear it again.

Waste of time, sry

[sorter]

Trying to feel better by thinking thoughts about other thoughts/beliefs can leave you chasing your own tail.

Focus on your feelings, literally your physical sensations, when you're with your family.
They will give you the insight you need. And attention naturally relaxes the body.
You won't need to "cling on finding a way to be strong enough to not let myself be bothered."

The more you focus on sensations you "hate", the more you can appreciate them even if you don't think they are useful at the moment.
Consequently, you'll be able to appreciate those same traits in your family.
You can tell them you're not interested in such and such in a polite non-angry way.
.

[Smartass]

Originally Posted by sorter

The more you focus on sensations you "hate", the more you can appreciate them even if you don't think they are useful at the moment.
Consequently, you'll be able to appreciate those same traits in your family.

.

It's interesting that you believe that. Most would agree that focussing on hatred will breed more hatred..

[sorter]

Originally Posted by Smartass

It's interesting that you believe that. Most would agree that focussing on hatred will breed more hatred..

Well, I said focus on the sensations of hatred, not the ideas.
Focusing on the sensations will relax them.
The "negative" physical response will fade away.
Then the ideas of hatred will follow and eventually turn into just another idea option.

That is essentially what happens when you have a good cry.

Focusing on the ideas of the hate would also relax bodily sensations but it would take a long time.
Even then the resistance to the ideas, and associated sensations, would fade away and resistance is the core issue.
I'm sure you have many ideas and feelings of hate that you don't resist and let pass without fighting them.
I hate when my friend does x, but I love 'em.
.

[1rebecca]

Originally Posted by Smartass

I am a 20 year old son and in the weekends I come back home from school to my family. I come home because I long to be with them because I love them. When I get home I am full of energy and share my love.

I think this is a totally natural feeling and they are probably bothering you, because you want to break away and become your own man. It is very difficult to get your independence and have them treat you like a man. It is a different kind of relationship and I don't think they will bother you nearly as much when you break the dependency. I would recommend only going home every other week or even once a month. In 5 years, you will probably feel closer and less resentful toward them because they won't treat you like a kid anymore. When you still feel dependent on them, even the littlest thing can trigger anger.

[Smartass]

@ sorter

Yes that does make sense. Something like counting slowly to ten and focus on the physical sensation and then you will be calm. But i never knew it would have effect on the underlying beliefs or reactions for future reference. That is relatively easy thing to do thanks I will try it.

@ Rebecca

That may be part of the issue yes. But it does not explain my anger towards my siblings to whom I am not dependent at all. I think this goes deeper than merely their reaction to me becoming independent allthough it may play a big part. Good observation..

[sorter]

Originally Posted by 1rebecca

I think this is a totally natural feeling and they are probably bothering you, because you want to break away and become your own man. It is very difficult to get your independence and have them treat you like a man.

Good point. Hate to throw in the age card but when I was younger my family annoyed me also.
I realized they will always treat my as they did when I was a kid and I like it that way even though it's still annoying at times.
We have ventured into treating each other as adults and it just felt weird.
I like visiting my "mommy."

Originally Posted by 1rebecca

It is a different kind of relationship and I don't think they will bother you nearly as much when you break the dependency. I would recommend only going home every other week or even once a month. In 5 years, you will probably feel closer and less resentful toward them because they won't treat you like a kid anymore. When you still feel dependent on them, even the littlest thing can trigger anger.

I think rejecting your family in anyway will likely cause internal conflict since we are so much like them and always will be.

My spouse didn't talk to her family for several years and it took it's toll.
If it's necessary to stay away from them, then sure. I just see it as a last resort.

I moved 2000 miles away when I was 20. That helped me grow up faster but it wasn't so much a rejection of my family.
.

[t4488]

I really enjoyed this book on the subject. It might help you.

Amazon.com: They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life (9781569243237): Oliver James: Books

Product Description
Do your relationships tend to follow the same destructive pattern? Have you always enjoyed being the center of attention? Do you feel trapped by your family’s expectations of you? Do you find yourself sounding more and more like your mother? Or your father?
In this groundbreaking contribution to the "nature vs. nurture" debate, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is primarily our first six years of upbringing that determines our behavior as adults. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature. In an entertaining and informative combination of science and popular culture, James presents the latest research and revealing case studies of, among others, George W. Bush, Mia Farrow, Michael Jackson, and Prince Charles to prove his point. Along the way he provides provocative questions and examples to help you better understand the impact of your childhood past and make changes to improve your future. A bestseller and recipient of significant attention in the U.K., They F*** You Up is a bold and provocative book which will cause you to seriously ponder who you are and how you became that way.