You Won't Believe what my Boyfriend Said to Me

[DeniseG]

I have never been so hurt. He sent me a text last night and told me that I was a 'study in stupidity." All I had done was ask him why he hadn't called that day. This sort of abuse has been going on the whole time I have been dating him, for almost a year, but he's never said anything that bad. Now I am done, I have blocked his text, and I won't be answering the phone nor seeing him anymore. One of the worst words in the world to me is 'stupid.'

I know that this is about him, not me, and I hate that he is such a miserable person. I just wanted to share with someone the hurt I felt upon reading those terrible, mean words.

[ssandra]

I am sorry you had to go through this.

For your own good, it might be a good idea to stand up for yourself and really break up with him. Not just stop answering him, but tell him (on the phone or via email or text if you want) "it is over between us. I deserve someone better then you!".

Don't go back to him. Because you DO deserve a lot better!!

[persephonevii]

Originally Posted by DeniseG

I have never been so hurt. He sent me a text last night and told me that I was a 'study in stupidity." All I had done was ask him why he hadn't called that day. This sort of abuse has been going on the whole time I have been dating him, for almost a year, but he's never said anything that bad. Now I am done, I have blocked his text, and I won't be answering the phone nor seeing him anymore. One of the worst words in the world to me is 'stupid.'

I know that this is about him, not me, and I hate that he is such a miserable person. I just wanted to share with someone the hurt I felt upon reading those terrible, mean words.

Well he's a study in why certain genes should of been swallowed, not fertilized but anyway...

If you are finished with him, tell him it is finished and also tell him 'he's a study in why certain genes should of been swallowed, not fertilized'. Actually tell it to his face. He might not get the message with text. Some men are a bit stupid like that.

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by persephonevii

Well he's a study in why certain genes should of been swallowed, not fertilized but anyway...

If you are finished with him, tell him it is finished and also tell him 'he's a study in why certain genes should of been swallowed, not fertilized'. Actually tell it to his face. He might not get the message with text. Some men are a bit stupid like that.

lmao! Love it.

Sorry, Denise. You are welcome and loved here. I admire you for having such strong boundaries that you won't allow people to speak to you that way. Good for you for being so strong!

[DeniseG]

I like that! He's a study in why certain genes should have been swallowed, not fertilized.! Ha! LOL The worse part is, he's so sadistic he would probably congratulate me on my wit. He's one sick puppy. I did send him a text before I blocked him and told him he was a very disturbed person and to please leave me alone. His last girlfriend tried to get a restraining order against him but he fought her in court and made her look like the nut job. Of course, I should have never gone out with him after he told me that, duh, me, but he is a charmer and a good liar.

Oh well, live and learn.

Thanks for listening and for making me feel loved and welcomed too.

[persephonevii]

Originally Posted by DeniseG

I like that! He's a study in why certain genes should have been swallowed, not fertilized.! Ha! LOL The worse part is, he's so sadistic he would probably congratulate me on my wit. He's one sick puppy.

Oh dear, definitely a sick puppy then. Glad to hear you cut him out of your life. It takes a lot of fortitude to stand up to someone and set your boundaries, a lot of people have trouble doing that and it's admirable you suceeded in doing just that.

[KarmaSutra]

He's not the issue, you are.

For over a year you rewarded his bad behavior, and now you want to ♥♥♥♥♥♥ and victimize yourself about the way YOU'VE conditioned him to treat you?

People treat you the way you give them permission to treat you. Accept responsibility for yourself, stop being an eternal victim, then set boundaries for the way you'll be treated.

Then stick to it.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by DeniseG

I have never been so hurt. He sent me a text last night and told me that I was a 'study in stupidity." All I had done was ask him why he hadn't called that day. This sort of abuse has been going on the whole time I have been dating him, for almost a year, but he's never said anything that bad. Now I am done, I have blocked his text, and I won't be answering the phone nor seeing him anymore. One of the worst words in the world to me is 'stupid.'

I know that this is about him, not me, and I hate that he is such a miserable person. I just wanted to share with someone the hurt I felt upon reading those terrible, mean words.

You are doing the right thing in breaking it off with him, but I agree with the others that it's probably best to make an actual break and tell him it's over, though perhaps you were worried about making a scene. If you're worried that any actual confrontation would result in him trying to change your mind, then write him a note. I'm fine with breaking up via email, phone or note. In a way, it's actually more final, and may be necessary when dealing with people who are manipulative.

Just keep doing what you've done. If you have any of his things, leave them on his doorstep while he's gone.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by KarmaSutra

He's not the issue, you are.

For over a year you rewarded his bad behavior, and now you want to ♥♥♥♥♥♥ and victimize yourself about the way YOU'VE conditioned him to treat you?

People treat you the way you give them permission to treat you. Accept responsibility for yourself, stop being an eternal victim, then set boundaries for the way you'll be treated.

Then stick to it.

She'll probably realize this - but it's too late for this present relationship, and during the months to come as she puts the pieces back together, she'll likely start seeing her part in it. But the most important thing in an abusive relationship is first and foremost, to get out.

[Benton]

I know a girl that's in a situation like this, and it's so sad to see. I was hanging out with her last night, as a matter of fact.

She's awesome: smart, thoughtful, articulate, gorgeous. And her boyfriend treats her like dirt. I don't think there's anything that can be said to her to make her realize that she can do better.

OP, I'm sorry for your pain. I have seen it enough times from the outside to know how much it hurts the receiving party.

[DeniseG]

I do realize that I let him treat me that way, and that I must have been getting some kind of payoff for feeling like a victim. I am a middle-aged woman and should know better, in fact I haven't been in an abusive relationship since I was in my 20s. There are reasons I got together with this guy, even though I am sure they are truly only excuses, but I don't think I would have let this go on so long if it were for circumstances. I lost my oldest son to suicide 6 years ago and two years later had a nervous breakdown, of sorts. Went in to rehab to kick a 12 year Xanax habit in 2008, moved back to my hometown then and began rebuilding my life. I was lonely, I have known him for 15 years, our families all are friends, etc, so it was good to not have to start with someone who was a total stranger. Looking at things now I know that my mental state and low self esteem has allowed me to continue in this relationship, but sometimes I feel like I deserve to be punished because I made so many mistakes as a mother, and the wheel goes around and around.

Every time he does something mean he comes back and begs, buys me stuff, takes me to dinner, swears he loves me, classic abuser profile. I don't have a car, which is another issue, and live alone, so his charm is hard to resist.

He has called three times this morning, begging, and I keep talking to him. I just don't seem to have the energy to fight it, and fight my own need for affection, attention, etc.

I am the sick puppy.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

I feel your pain Denise. Stay strong: you are worth more than free rides in this douchebag's car!!

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by KarmaSutra

He's not the issue, you are.

For over a year you rewarded his bad behavior, and now you want to ♥♥♥♥♥♥ and victimize yourself about the way YOU'VE conditioned him to treat you?

People treat you the way you give them permission to treat you. Accept responsibility for yourself, stop being an eternal victim, then set boundaries for the way you'll be treated.

Then stick to it.

Does anyone else think this is an absolutely hurtful thing to say, or am I just reading into this?

While I understand the whole "you teach people how to treat you" concept...this does not excuse the behavior of the other person in the relationship.

Denise, you are not the sick puppy. You are a human being, with flaws like any other, who is seeking to find happiness and love and doing the best that you know how to do with the tools that you have available to you.

There are other ways to be, others ways to look at the situation and at yourself. Right now it may be more helpful to focus on thoughts that help you feel stronger and to heal. It will be easier to address the underlying issues when you are at a point where you feel like you, yourself, are worthy of feeling loved and respected.

I'm sorry if I sounded a bit reactive, but the quoted post made me angry for personal reasons.

[LostMyMap]

Denise,
Welcome here.

I think if you kicked a xanax habit, you can kick this one. I don't know exactly what they taught you in rehab, but I am going to guess that some of the same principles apply.

I understand that affection and attention from someone else is a very powerful force. Consider this, Are you really giving yourself affection and attention? Or are you getting it all from an outside source?

This repeats indefinitely until you break the cycle. And the way to break the cycle is to decide that you need to take care of yourself first before you let anyone else give you affection.

Imagine that it wasn't you, but a friend that was dating this guy. And you saw what was going on. Would you say something to your friend? Would you take her aside and say, "Don't you see what this guy is doing to you?" Would you be upset for your friend? Would you want to tell this guy off? Really think about this scenario. Write it out like a script. Every word, every action.

Now, you know who that friend really is, right?

[DeniseG]

I kind of agree that the poster who said that about teaching others how to treat you didn't try to soften the blow, but I already knew this. I am glad someone else pointed out the brutality of the post, however.

Lost my map, my sister is so mad about this. I have begun forwarding her his text, so she is helping me see that he is a classic abuser and won't change. Working on loving myself, on a diet, and came here, so those are steps in the right direction. I used to be the friend that women came to with these kind of stories, and I would tell them to dump that garbage. Need to get back that tough cookie, have just been trying to learn not to hate the world after losing my son, but you still have to protect yourself. It is just hard to accept that people can be so mean.

[curiouslyrandom]

Originally Posted by Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi

Does anyone else think this is an absolutely hurtful thing to say, or am I just reading into this?

Hurtful and totally useless. Maybe those of us who have been on the receiving end of "charming abusers" better understand what she's been through than those who condemn her for allowing it to happen?

Denise, congratulations for getting out. You're moving in a better direction now. Keep going, and NO U-TURNS!

I just noticed you said you lost your son. That would go a long way to explaining why you let this crazy man into your life. After enormous loss, we aren't exactly thinking clearly, we just want to be comforted. I'd bet he made all kinds of comforting promises just to lure you in. What a jerk.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by DeniseG

He has called three times this morning, begging, and I keep talking to him. I just don't seem to have the energy to fight it, and fight my own need for affection, attention, etc.

Stop answering the phone. Turn off your phone (after letting your family know why) if you have to. Ask your sister if you can stay for a few days with her.

I thought you blocked his number for receiving texts btw? If you unblocked it, block it again.

Make it easy for yourself to resist. Make it as easy as possible to stay away.

[DeniseG]

Done!

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

I know how you feel.

[waizen]

Denise, I don't know you and I probably don't have any right to give advice, since I don't fully know your entire situation, but I think that the overall truth is that you really do need to break up with him.

Really, can you picture yourself with this man five years from now? Probably not, huh?

The thing is that many people in your situation (me included) will probably go through a period of breaking up and getting back together, over and over, until it is finally over with. That is unfortunate because so much time is wasted in terrible feelings while that cycle is in play.

Life is good and is about being happy. Any time spent being unhappy is time wasted.

Go out and meet someone new. There are plenty of us men out there...he is definitely not the only one out there. Go nuts... set yourself free.

Above all, give yourself permission to do it. That's the part that you have control over that sets the whole thing in motion.

Good luck with this and keep us posted.

[elucidate]

You obviously have no understanding of what can cause a woman to stay with an abuser.

I used to think this way too, and thought I was right in thinking that women are stupid for staying with someone who treats them badly, so you mirror my own past ignorance on the subject.

I eventually had an insight into the thought processes that go on for a woman who thinks so little of herself that she actually believes she deserves it on some level, so I understand it a lot more now, and don't judge any woman who finds herself in this situation, as I've been there myself.

It's a very hard battle for many women to overcome when they have been beat down their whole lives, and blaming them for it on top of everything else, isn't helpful.

Hopefully one day you will come to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships better, as I did!

Originally Posted by KarmaSutra

He's not the issue, you are.

For over a year you rewarded his bad behavior, and now you want to ♥♥♥♥♥♥ and victimize yourself about the way YOU'VE conditioned him to treat you?

People treat you the way you give them permission to treat you. Accept responsibility for yourself, stop being an eternal victim, then set boundaries for the way you'll be treated.

Then stick to it.

[scotthegeek]

I agree with most on here, but there is always three side to things. there is your side his side and the truth that lies in the middle that is mostly on your side coinciding what you say about your history with him and his past.

It sound to me like he try to hurt you with his words and he did a good job but I know from my own experience when I overreact to things it not total the other person fault it is triggering things from my past.

If you know he is wrong about what he said would you not be curious as to why he would say such a thing. You said you asked why he did not call you today. Maybe he felt smother and need space but dose not know how to communicate his feeling properly.

I tying to learn how to date and I have had a few girls dump me and not say why and I would like to know what I did wrong but I will never know why because they stop communicating I know you had more than 2 dates to communicate but it sound to me like there was too little and you reach a breaking point where you could have nip it in bud sooner.

I know your boyfriend did not have good intentions when he called you stupid but one of the nicest things a girl told my 20years ago was I was a "social retard".

Scott

[waizen]

Originally Posted by elucidate

You obviously have no understanding of what can cause a woman to stay with an abuser...

Not just women. I allowed my ex-wife to verbally and emotionally abuse me for years. I didn't do anything about it because I was afraid she would leave me if I spoke up for myself. She sensed it and used it as leverage.

She eventually left me anyway.

What's weird is that I always saw myself as a very strong and confident man. I think she just found a way to push buttons in me I never knew I had. I used to make fun of guys who acted like I did and here I was, allowing it myself.

Oh, well, live and learn. I'm much, much better now. Much stronger and self confident in that area these days. The divorce was, in retrospect, the best thing to have happened to me.

I think the situation can happen to anyone, given the right circumstance. The right manipulator/victim combination.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by DeniseG

One of the worst words in the world to me is 'stupid.'

Why is that?

[scotthegeek]

Originally Posted by Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi

Does anyone else think this is an absolutely hurtful thing to say, or am I just reading into this?

While I understand the whole "you teach people how to treat you" concept...this does not excuse the behavior of the other person in the relationship.

Denise, you are not the sick puppy. You are a human being, with flaws like any other, who is seeking to find happiness and love and doing the best that you know how to do with the tools that you have available to you.

There are other ways to be, others ways to look at the situation and at yourself. Right now it may be more helpful to focus on thoughts that help you feel stronger and to heal. It will be easier to address the underlying issues when you are at a point where you feel like you, yourself, are worthy of feeling loved and respected.

I'm sorry if I sounded a bit reactive, but the quoted post made me angry for personal reasons.

I think understand why you feel reactive to the post. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and the black and white thinking. I like you post it seem to strike a good balance of compassion and people are doing the best with what they have while not victimizing the victim.

It was very empowering when I found out about codependency and dysfunctional families and you want something better but you go the other extreme to where this is unhealthy or that dysfunctional and this is the way you should behave. I just trying to find my authentic self

Scott

[persephonevii]

Every time he does something mean he comes back and begs, buys me stuff, takes me to dinner, swears he loves me, classic abuser profile. I don't have a car, which is another issue, and live alone, so his charm is hard to resist.

I know somebody like that in RL who consistently uses and abuses a very good friend of mine. It's fustrating to see her keep going back to him. He treats her like dirt and she deserves heaps better. He did exactly to her what this guy is doing to you. If he says he will change, STAY AWAY! These people need somebody to control and he's probably freaking out he doesn't have his pawn to use and abuse anymore. Walk away.

I am the sick puppy.

You are a beautiful person. Stop calling yourself terrible names that aren't true!

[Federer]

Sometimes people spit some bad words to others. Intentionally to make yourself believe that s/he is great and so and so...May be he is stupidest guy.

I am sorry. You are loved. Don't worry about anything. Just stay away from this guy and be happy.

[DeniseG]

I love all the insight from you guys, and the fact that several people have different perspectives on this situation. The boyfriend and I have been doing this dance long enough that I understand why he does it, and it is about control, and yes, he is freaking out now that I have broken up with him, again. He takes information I tell him about me and my past and when he's angry he uses it against me. However, I must admit that once I called him a short, fat mexican, (which is what he is!) but I am sure that hurt his feelings, but instead of saying that he turns it into a game and enjoys the abuse and being abusive. It's a very sick relationship.

My father used to call us stupid and my stepmom was emotionally abusive, so I have never allowed that sort of thing in my life, or with my children. You don't use the stupid word, and you don't demean people.

I have tried the going out and meeting people thing, but I hung around bars so many years that I can't stand them, so lonely, rather be alone. I keep thinking I need to join a gym, or a church, but I feel stuck, maybe I'm depressed, hell I don't know.

Knowing me I will go back with him, to be totally honest. I know it sounds "stupid" but I just don't have the energy to start over with someone else, and it seems that everyone my age is screwed up in one way or another.

Ugh.

[rawxstasy]

Originally Posted by Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi

Does anyone else think this is an absolutely hurtful thing to say, or am I just reading into this?

While I understand the whole "you teach people how to treat you" concept...this does not excuse the behavior of the other person in the relationship.

Denise, you are not the sick puppy. You are a human being, with flaws like any other, who is seeking to find happiness and love and doing the best that you know how to do with the tools that you have available to you.

There are other ways to be, others ways to look at the situation and at yourself. Right now it may be more helpful to focus on thoughts that help you feel stronger and to heal. It will be easier to address the underlying issues when you are at a point where you feel like you, yourself, are worthy of feeling loved and respected.

I'm sorry if I sounded a bit reactive, but the quoted post made me angry for personal reasons.

I felt angry to. The OP could have worded things a little more compassionately.

[pyrogen]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I felt angry to. The OP could have worded things a little more compassionately.

They worded that very poorly, but I got some of the basic point. The thing is, that's not what Denise needs to deal with right now. The most important thing is to get out and stay safe - addressing the patterns of what draws her to such a situation, will come later.