Ladies: please help me out!

[toasterwater]

Okay, Im in a long distance relationship right now. I have been with her for about a year and a half, and I just recently proposed to her. So now we are engaged.

Problem: We still can't be together for a while, because we are both in the military (i have been in for about 2.5 years, and she just joined about 4 months ago). Im stationed in Okinawa Japan, and she is currently in her school in North Carolina. Now... she did say that she will most likely get to go anywhere she chooses for her duty station, but she also said she doesnt think she wants to get married this soon (i suggested that we get married after she finishes her school in 5 weeks).

For the first 13 weeks after she joined, we couldnt see eachother, or talk to eachother on the phone. letters were the best we could do... and those took about a week and a half either way. after that, i saw her on her 10 days of boot leave (i took a $1300 flight back home, then bought her a ring while i was there, and proposed- she obviously said yes ) Then she had an additional 3 weeks of training where we couldnt talk to eachother. Now she graduated from that training this past tuesday.

She has called me twice since then (using someone elses phone, cuz she doesnt have hers yet... she's supposed to get it tomorrow). The first time we talked for a little bit... maybe half an hour, but then she had to go to class or whatever. She said she would call me back after she was done... but she didnt. She called me again earlier today, and about 5 minutes into the conversation, she got a call waiting beep (still on someone elses phone) she asked me to hold on, and that she would call me right back. Well... She didn't. Of course, now its night time for her, so I dont think Ill be getting a call anytime soon... i guess the best i can hope for is on her sunday morning... which will be my late sunday night.

Now... this may not sound very bad, but I get this feeling that she may be losing interest (or already lost it) in me. As soon as she graduated from her latest school, i started leaving her Myspace comments, telling her how i love her, and cant wait to talk to her again, and stuff like that. Well... I know she checked it a couple of times in there, and did not call me. Last night she went out with some friends and got really drunk... but I guess she didnt have time to call me at all that night.

I just overall feel like she has gotten tired of me or something. Maybe I've gotten boring, or something. Maybe I look bad to her because i tell her how much i miss her. I really dont know what it is... or even if im just being paranoid (hopefully im just being paranoid).

But here is the request, ladies: what is it that a guy can do (your boyfriend/fiancee/husband) to keep you interested in him? Is it possible that i can be "coming on too strong" even at this point in the relationship? should i not try to contact her everyday because that makes me seem desperate or pathetic somehow-even though all i want to do is be with her? I want all the advice i can get to help my relationship (keep in mind that it is a long distance relationship for the next couple of months at least).

If you think you can help me, you can also IM me either on AIM or Yahoo messnenger... or even MSN messenger. I really need to talk this out with someone. I love her so much, and it would kill me if i lost her. It hurts just to be without her...

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my pathetic whining YOU ROCK!

[smallstar]

Cheers,

Advice from not a lady, but a bad guy.

Just a remark: you said that you wanted to be with her no matter what. This is exactly how abusive relationships are born. You are not only inviting but also licensing her to do the "what" to you. She is testing her limits and how much you can tolerate. Now you have to either gather your confidence (stay on attention, soldier!) and learn to accept, or gather your guts and challenge.

Have a dark day, SS

[smallstar]

Cheers,

Yet another remark... why, exactly, do you think it is bad to fill someone's inbox with "I love you" messages? Let's think about your motivations. You are not motivated by Love, but by Fear. Those are two different things. By telling "I love you" you are lying, and even worse, getting caught of it! If you truly Loved her, you would have the confidence to let her expand her limits and not to worry about it too much.

Do not mix your polarities. A Fear emotion calls for a Fear response. At least you will see how much you mean to her.

Have a Dark day,

-SS

[toasterwater]

wow... you know what... i think youre right.

It is fear that drives me to contact her constantly. Ive been telling myself lately that my worst fear is to lose her.

So... if i really love her... i should let her do her thing, and just be supportive. If she leaves me (which i dont really have any evidence that she will... in fact... she is trying to come to okinawa to be with me...) then it just isnt meant to be. There's nothing i can do about it is there?

Wow... I just hope I haven't done too much damage already. So what do i do now?... nothing? just try to live my life and if she calls me, then we can talk?

Hmm... looks like i need to get my life back up and running.

[Susie]

You are engaged to this woman, you should be able to tell her you love her as often as you like without fear that that is going to scare her off! My advice to you is to do what comes naturally, if she has a problem with that, well I hate to say it but maybe you aren't meant to be together.

However on the other (more optimistic) hand, maybe it's too emotionally painful for her, with the distance between you, for her to be constantly pining away on the internet and telephone with you. Maybe it's easier for her to focus on other things instead of on your absence, you know what I mean?

[Jill]

She just joined the military. I'm sure she's kinda busy right now.

If you're already paranoid that she doesn't love you anymore, you're in for a long, hard road ahead since you're not going to be able to be together for quite some time.

I don't have any advice other than to chill out or perhaps decide together that maybe you should just resume your relationship when you can both be together.

[Simmiah]

Heh. I see so much of what I used to do in you! Wow!

& I checked your profile & funny enough your bday isn't too far from mine & you're the same age I was at when I was learning these lessons. My oh my. That was rough for me!

Anyways! I second the fear thing. You may love her but that's separate from the fear & your fear is sure blocking true love from shining through!

Working through the fear is another matter. For me there was a lot of fear of not being good enough, not being worthy.. loads of insecurity.. & a lot of negative attachment to the people I felt I was in love with.

So I had a lot of lopsided strange kinds of relationships. If you intuitively feel she is losing interest she probably is. There is nothing you can do to "win" her back or "gain" interest from her anymore than I could lift a 2 ton car & you could try but.. it reminds me of the first step of 12 steps. They say "I am powerless over ____" & we are powerless over other people's choices to choose to be with us or not.

It is funny because I am seeing this problem right now a lot & my spouse is in the military. Not so much with us though he has his own issues but rather with the other wives. I've met many out here & they don't know how to not be with each other. There's a lot of fear & many of them think if he goes then they must be panicking or worried.. & a lot of them do not understand my stance on it.

Anyways.. I could tell you that when you pull people tend to pull back.. I know this from both sides of the coin. But even if you try to pull back in an attempt to "gain" her affection..it will be fear motivated & controlling.

I'd say this is a golden opportunity to learn to raise your consciousness & rise above your circumstance & learn some deep lessons about yourself. For me I'd ask, "Well why did I propose to her?" & "Why am I so afraid of losing her?" "What is it I am afraid of losing?"

There is a lady in particular I will reference about this who is one of the wives who cannot handle being separate from her husband. I got to know her pretty well & found her life pretty empty. She has friends.. a really cute baby girl.. a loving husband (who just happens to be deployed).. & good family (something I don't have! lol). Anyways, I realized she couldn't stand the emptiness .. & she misidentified the emptiness as being 'filled' by her husband when in fact, the emptiness was present all along. I've known the emptiness myself.. talked with others about the emptiness.. it is a pretty common thing & I hate to say it but ..until you develop a relationship with something higher than yourself & truly know it in a loving way..it is difficult to have a meaningful life. & I don't mean join a church kinda way but when people talk about finding their life purpose I think that's what they mean. Attempting to fill the emptiness with things, people, a family, children.. they can help but they aren't going to fix it. I don't want to sound proselytizing so I am trying to not use the 'God' word here but that is how I reference it for me. I've got my life purpose & when I'm aligned with that.. the emptiness really doesn't show up for me anymore. So..I hope that makes sense.

Anyways! Much luck & I commend you for posting here & asking for help. & I also think it is wonderful to love someone.. just don't mix the fear in as much but remember the love. I hope this helps!

[Lychee]

Toaster,

It's possible that she is nervous about the whole idea of getting married right now (since she said that she doesn't want to get married soon). Maybe she's confiding in her friends about this and how this fits into her own plans. Maybe she's trying to distance herself from you a little bit to get things into perspective.

There are a lot of "maybe's" in this situation, but I think that you're reading too much into this by thinking she is losing interest. Your fear is playing a part in your conclusion. Take a step back and meditate. Sit down/lay down and calm and clear your heart and mind. When you feel still inside, ask yourself if you think she is losing interest in you and what you should do about this situation. Do not discount your opinion about her losing interest if that's what you feel - just see if it is a valid concern coming from your intuition or your fears.

There is no shame in missing someone this much and telling them that you love them.

The question shouldn't be "What is it that a guy can do to keep you interested in him?" Be who you are, that's it. If you are coming from a place of love and understanding by calling, keep calling. If you're coming from a place of fear and insecurity by calling, you should examine your reasons for fear and insecurity and focus on why you are doing this.

You love her but are afraid to lose her. Do not be afraid and do not fear. Focus on trying to be the best man that you can be and follow the values and morals you believe in, that's all you can do. You can't help it if she wants to go clubbing with her girl friends, but what you can do is control your reaction to it.

My advice to you: don't think too much over this. She said yes, didn't she? Occupy your mind with other matters and trust her. Do not be afraid or insecure. If you guys get the chance to talk, maybe you can voice your concerns and tell her how you are feeling.