Friendship Questions

[peacefulmind]

I have never really had close friends and I have always wanted them. The thing with me is that I am an only child and I have been sheltered all my life so I don't really know how to deal with people. I am very shy also so that plays an impact on my social life to. I usually never talk on the phone, I'm not sure why though. When I was in high school I always talked to my friends in the hallway or lunch and that’s about it. Now that I am in college I am pretty much friendless which is very sad. Now I realize that I have to completely change the way that I deal with friendships but I don't know how or who to ask so here I am. Here are some questions on social norms when it comes to friendships maybe you guys can help me out

1) How often should I call my friends? (remember I want to have close friendships)

2) Should I be the one always making plans to meet up?

3) How else do friend stay close? (this is all foreign territory to me)

4) Sometimes when people say we should hang out are they just saying this to be polite. How do I figure out if they are being genuine.

5) When I meet someone for the first time is it ok to ask to meet up somewhere or is that jumping in to fast. (like I said before foreign territory)

6) When I meet someone new and I get their number how long should I wait until I call them.

Thanks Guys

[morbidprogeny]

Hey,

I am not going to answer your questions specifically, but I am going to give you a general advise which I hope will help you.

When you join college, start talking to some new person in your class (many people if you are ready) Since all of them are new, they too will have fears and they will feel happy that they are being approached for conversations etc. One thing you have to keep in mind is that you should never be very formal while dealing with them. Like you asked "how long can i wait before i call them". No one would want to be friends if you make your interaction between them planned and formal. I suggest you be yourself and not bother what they are going to think of you. Don't go into this with the aim of creating best friends, but go with the aim of "interacting more with people". Join some clubs or hang out in sum pubs or do stuff that will put you in place with a lot of people. Automatically you will be able to come out of your inhibitions and you will slowly change. Of course there might be people who may talk to you at first and then stop talking suddenly but all this you have to cope up with. But you wiill find yourself changing and you will feel more confident. Basically, dont stay alone but stick around with people.

Take care and make friends!

Peace

[Michael Chui]

The great thing about friendships is that they're all different.

Don't overanalyze how you enter a friendship. Despite my prodigious memory, I still can't recall how some of my best friendships started. I can remember, "I didn't even know who they were this year..." and the next year, we were hanging out all the time!

You'll annoy some people, others will point out that you're being too needy, and so on. Make mistakes, fiddle with it, have fun, enjoy it.

[peacefulmind]

The reason I was asking the questions on like how often I should call my friends and the questions on when I just meet someone is that I do not want to seem to needy and annoying yet I do want to make and keep friends. Does this make sense. I am very self conscious and I care a lot about what others think and I keep telling myself that what some people think of me shouldn't really matter but in the end it does and it's not something I just make believe doesn’t exist. The fact that I care what others think affects the way I deal with people in that I become very hesitant approaching people because of fear of rejection. I also am careful of everything that comes out of my mouth because I don’t want to feel like a fool or weird. So what I am saying in simple terms is HELP!! One problem that I have in talking to people is that I can’t keep the energy up in a conversation. It seems to fizzle out in to the awkward silence. How do I keep this from happening? It’s much easier to ask these questions online I would never be able to do this elsewhere. Please help me out

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by peacefulmind

One problem that I have in talking to people is that I can’t keep the energy up in a conversation. It seems to fizzle out in to the awkward silence. How do I keep this from happening?

Be interested in the topic of the conversation.

[RT Wolf]

Read Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, it might help you get over your self-consciousness. You don't have to have low self-esteem to read it.

Pay attention to people. If you pay attentiont to other people, you can pick up pretty easily how they feel/what they want, etc. Remember, actual spoken words make up a tiny portion of communication, body language and the way people say things is way more important.

[CoachChar]

My family moved often as I was growing up and I struggled to make friends. Funny, my sisters did not have the same challenge with making friends as I did. I think my main hurdle was low self-esteem. Also, I was always so AWARE of how awkward I felt. I think that other people (potential friends) could sense this awkwardness and it made them feel uncomfortable. Really, feeling so uncomfortable and down on myself, how much fun was I to be around???

Please know that I feel great compassion for you. And I acknowledge your courage. It takes guts to face a challenge like this and intend change.

As RT Wolf suggests, read Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and see how it resonates with you. Also, make up your mind that getting to know people is natural, fun, and easy. You've believed it to be hard and exhausting for a long time, but it's absolutely possible for you to change your belief to one that empowers and supports you in manifesting your intention of having friends.

Getting to know others is like dancing. You enjoy it more if you stop worrying about how you look and whether you're doing it "right". Get out of your head and do what feels good. Smile. Go where the conversation leads you. If you have a question, ask it. If you have an idea or a story that relates to the topic of conversation, share it. Smile some more. If you intend to call someone because you want to connect with them again, simply ask for their number/email address and mention that you think it would be fun to hang out or talk again. Then, when you feel like it, get in touch. Relationships are developed over time by two mutually interested parties who allow it to happen.

Perhaps your energy fizzles because you're preoccupied with negative self-talk and worry. Perhaps you're not even hearing the other person because you're already composing and editing a response to what they're saying. You're in your head and then you freeze up and the convo fizzles. If this is what's happening, I suggest you focus on being present in the now as you interact with people. Give no thought to the past. Give no thought to the future. Give your attention to what is occuring in the moment.

Listen intently to what the other person is saying. If you have nothing new to add to the conversation when they stop speaking, paraphrase what you feel they are saying or ask for more information. In general, people LOVE talking about themselves. If you want to become a great conversationalist, first develop your listening skills.

At some point, you'll also want to enhance your own self-expression, but take your time. Forced friendships aren't what you want. You want easy, natural, and fun, right? I actually have a lot more to say about communication and relationships, but I'll stop here because I have no idea if what I've written is of value to you.

I wish you the best!
Char