My Relationship With My Parents Are Broken!

[aiminghigh]

Thanks to those who read this!

OMG !

*there is more between the lines than a silly fight*

today I had a huge fight with my parents!
this is how it all went: my mother were doing some work at our big
kitchen bench, and I were preparing to make a proteinshake (i use a small blender for this)
suddenly she said something like: you can't mix your shake now, you must wait for me to finish!
(she used maybe 1/2 of the space.
IN MY STUPIDNESS i said "why!?!" "you don't need/use the whole space", SO i started to preparing my shake:/ (a huge ridiculous thing YES!)

even though she said NO and started to shout!
It's sad to write this!: Afterwards she started washing right next to my shake,
and I pushed her and said: "don't spell soap on my food!
she got really angry/trobled and knocked me or similar!
anyway a lots of trouble later: my father started to interrupt our fight and said "I saw you were pushing her when she was working and it is unacceptable, THIS IS ALL YOUR(mine) FOULT"(i did push her!and realize that it was stupid and childish)
he repeated it many times. and then they both started to critisise me roughly, and my mom said/shouted :

"you have psychopathic tendencies" and I am worried (I get scared by even writing that word;S)
NATURALLY this screwed me totally up! ( I were terrified because of what she said!! but didn't show it to them)

Then we fought and shouted some more and my dad insisted that me and my mother NOT could talk/fight over this anymore, because she had to go to sleep.(in a very hurt/sad/coward voice)
He ALWAYS prevents me from getting o the bottom in things with my mom! so i denied and said: "NO i demand and feel that I have the right to
have some deeper explanation what this is about!, because apparently it is ME who have a trouble and i need
some deeper understanding of what is going on so I can fix errors in myself"
so We sat down (mom and I) and after all this ************ - we were finally at some sense of wavelength,
then after a short while dad came after mom physically(NOT or bad/abusing!).
I stopped them, and said : I WANT TO talk to mom about this! and I really need IT!
Then something awful happened: dad started to push me and hammering at my chest while he was crying!
i was shocked, because he never ever have cried before!!
the whole thing went ugly....
and after a while mom and I sat down and duscussed some more...
then she said " i have to go to bed now!" and i sat there feeling very bad and confused!

so now i am writing this partly to get some feedback from others, and also because i feel that there is some good people here who can help.
note* i don't need to prove that I am right, and it is OK that everything and all bad actions are mine,
just as long as, THAT IS THE TRUTH! I really want to be a goodhearted person with normal feelings towards others!
*I am physically big and strong, and both my parents feels naturally inferior
I really want to normalize my relationship and maybe build it strong sometime before they leave! because i love them deep down.
I am very soon 18btw
what to do?

[ticktockclok]

Be the better person and say you're sorry in the morning.

[RT Wolf]

First, relax. Your relationship with your parents isn't broken at all. Its actually pretty common to have that kind of stuff happening. However, what is common is sometimes not enough, or even nearly ideal.

Read blog entries by Steve on this subject (relatoinships) and then start reading some good books on the topic. Messages: The Communicatoin Skills Book is a good one. It sounds like you would also benefit from Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations. Check them out at your local libary, they should have them.

Since you didn't provide us with a lot of details I can't offer any specific advice. Generally, try to understand them. That may require you to put your ego aside (and as a teen, that may be hard to do since you just got it) and really focus on what they are feeling and why they feel that way and what they think and why they think that way. Especially make an attempt to undersatnd their emotions. It may be weird for you (depending on whether you've reached this stage yet), but your parents are human beings, too, much like yourself.

You might have been better off deciding to postpone your discussion until later. Reschedule it to another time, like an appointment, but make sure everyone decide on a time. Make it a neutral time, that is, a time when no one feels pressured. You might also want to set some ground rules before the discussion, especially that if someone starts shouting or anything physical, you quit and do it another time.

You said "Naturally this screwed me up". You may feel its natural, but its really not, you have a choice in how you feel, and you get better at making the best choice.

HTH. I'm sure others will also offer wonderful advice.

[aiminghigh]

god forgive my whining!

she said:
"your personality are too strong for me and the whole family"you have been destroying my life since the day you were born. and you are always the reason why I cry! and I never should have been your mother"
"just as you are hard as a rock outside, your even harder on the inside, and i can't imagine you having any feelings towards others than yourself"(shouting, yelling, roaring in tears)

the sentences mentioned above really made me sick!
From my perspective THEY have always been the energy vampires.
these kind of words aren't common?!?


thanx for reply RTwolf and ticktockclock: )

[JHL]

Hey there aiminghigh, as RT Wolf correctly points out your situation isnt all that unusual. But even so, its obviously very upsetting and confusing for you, and you're looking for a way to resolve this with your parents.

You're a strong young guy and from the energy in your posts, you seem ready and able to take on the world. Its great that you have this energy and confidence, but you may need to learn to control it a bit better in the relationships you have - specifically with your parents in this case.

In relationships its more important to be friends, than to be right. And to remain friends and loving you sometimes have to put your energy on hold and really listen to where the other person is coming from. Its a tough thing to do, because when you feel you're right - that must mean the other person is wrong! And if they're wrong, you feel damn justified in telling them so.

Unfortunately this is what damages relationships. Perhaps you feel that your parents dont really listen to you, or understand where you're coming from. And perhaps they feel that you dont listen to, or understand where they're coming from.

To get past this, you need to be calm, be cool, and communicate with your parents. Its impossible to communicate with raised voices - that just gets people defensive and things do downhill from there. You have to remain level-headed and steady. Talk to your parent, but be calm, and try to be understanding and really listen to what they're saying. Then make sure you have your turn and calmy tell them how you're feeling. Tell them you love them, but certain things frustrate you.

If you can achieve this level of communication, you will find that anything can be solved. So leave the aggression behind. You are a wonderful human being and have nothing to prove. Show that you can listen, and talk in a gentle manner that lets people understand your point of view, without putting them on the back foot.

Your parents love you, and I know you love them back. You just need to work on communication and understanding. I've got no doubt you can definitely do it. Good luck.

[aiminghigh]

damn it feels good to recieve feedback from others.....thanx JHL

I question this: "you have been destroying my life since the day you were born. and you are always the reason why I cry! and I never should have been your mother"

*I Got really angry when she said this! and i still feel that rage inside. is this a fair thing of my mother to say?

[takkaria]

Originally Posted by aiminghigh

I question this: "you have been destroying my life since the day you were born. and you are always the reason why I cry! and I never should have been your mother"

*I Got really angry when she said this! and i still feel that rage inside. is this a fair thing of my mother to say?

If you feel angry, then you are helping perpetuate the situation. Find it within yourself, if you can, to forgive your mother, whether she is being fair or not. No-one is helped by reacting angrily even to things which appear unfair.

[openeyes]

Lately I've been reading "Iron John: A Book About Men". I thought of it upon seeing your posts here, and highly recommend checking it out.

A lot of guys (maybe girls too) need time away from their moms during puberty. There's nothing bad about it, it's just how things are. You'll get through it and find things much better.