Long-Distance girlfriend feels unhappy

[restless]

Hi,

I'm in a long-distance relationship of 4 months. I'm feeling very happy and grateful. It's my first relationship and I've got a lot to learn.

My girlfriend really loves me. She said multiple times that she could image being with me forever.
But she often feels very bad because she misses me all the time. She isn't sure whether she really wants the long-distance relationship. She really suffers because she misses me so much.

Relocating isn't possible for us at the moment.

How can I support my girlfriend with her feelings?
Do you think it's possible for me to help her?
Or do you think this situation cannot work out?
I really want her to feel better and I feel sorry for her. And I don't want to lose her.

[aelle]

To make it short:
For a monogamous LDR relationship to work it's really important that 1. both partners really want to be in the relationship in the long run and 2. that you have an endgame. Why is it impossible to relocate now? When will you relocate - in 6 months, in 5 years? This changes significantly, and it may change whether you want to stay in the relationship.

[Gals]

Originally Posted by restless

Hi,

I'm in a long-distance relationship of 4 months. I'm feeling very happy and grateful. It's my first relationship and I've got a lot to learn.

My girlfriend really loves me. She said multiple times that she could image being with me forever.
But she often feels very bad because she misses me all the time. She isn't sure whether she really wants the long-distance relationship. She really suffers because she misses me so much.

Relocating isn't possible for us at the moment.

How can I support my girlfriend with her feelings?
Do you think it's possible for me to help her?
Or do you think this situation cannot work out?
I really want her to feel better and I feel sorry for her. And I don't want to lose her.

Oh god, I know how your gf feels. As I'm in a semi-LDR too.

Before, I didn't know why it's so hard to maintain an LDR. But now I'm into that, I can understand the feeling.

Communication must be really constant so as to comepnsate for your missing presence.

And shower her with romantic cards, be sweet in your emails, send pics--constantly.

Be creative! give gifts, make videos of the 2 of u, send a poem, always tell her how much u love her, update her with your love so she won't be left out and the magic of love is still there!

Good luck!

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by restless

Hi,

I'm in a long-distance relationship of 4 months. I'm feeling very happy and grateful. It's my first relationship and I've got a lot to learn.

My girlfriend really loves me. She said multiple times that she could image being with me forever.
But she often feels very bad because she misses me all the time. She isn't sure whether she really wants the long-distance relationship. She really suffers because she misses me so much.

Relocating isn't possible for us at the moment.

How can I support my girlfriend with her feelings?
Do you think it's possible for me to help her?
Or do you think this situation cannot work out?
I really want her to feel better and I feel sorry for her. And I don't want to lose her.

Well I guess... is it harder for her to be without you in an LDR, or to be without you forever? Because that's really the choice right now.

I think it helps if you have a definite plan in mind for when you can relocate to be together... if that's undefined, then the situation is more challenging. If you can work out a concrete plan it will be easier, as you've got something to work for...not just "some time in the future" which is so open ended and frustrating!

Can you work out ways to see each other occasionally? This may or may not be possible based on exactly how LD the relationship is!

[mindset]

Gals has a point. With today's technology, it's never impossible to always keep in touch and see each other even on a virtual point of view. Communication has always play an important role in any successful relationship, let alone LDR.
Always find the effort to make her feel loved and appreciated through personal gifts or messages you can send at least once in a while to surprise or cheer her up. Costly at times but if you do love the person, it really doesn't matter how much money you spend as long as he or she is happy. You can both get through this phase...just be there for each other (well not literally anyway ).
Your gf is lucky to have you.

[restless]

Thanks for all the positive comments.

Me and my GF communicate, all the time. The problem is, that's no substitute. When we're talking, she misses me even more. I want to help her, but I don't know how!

2. that you have an endgame. Why is it impossible to relocate now? When will you relocate - in 6 months, in 5 years?

Good question. We will definitely talk about that.

Can you work out ways to see each other occasionally? This may or may not be possible based on exactly how LD the relationship is!

We live 3 hours apart and meet every two weeks.

[Kishka]

Originally Posted by restless

I want to help her, but I don't know how!

The truth is that you can't help her. Only she can change her perception of the situation. She'll either decide to be with you and grow to accept the situation as it is right now, or decide she can't and move on. Sorry to be so blunt, but be prepared for that.

Most importantly, be an example for her by staying as positive as you can about the situation.

[James81]

Yes, the number one most important thing at this point is thinking about the endgame--as aelle said.

It's not important that you get together NOW, but what is important is that you both can imagine being together in the future. And by imagine, one or both of you is willing to move to do so.

I'd ask her if she can imagine a scenario of you being together at some point and see if she can describe how that might go down.

Her answer isn't important....what IS important is whether or not she can produce such an answer. That says more about where she is at and how she sees the relationship than anything else. Why? Because if she literally can't imagine (even in a pretend sense) a scenario in which you too get together, then she is most likely not seeing long term potential there.

That's not to say that she won't eventually, but it does give you something to think about in terms of how long you want to stay with someone who doesn't or can't see long term potential. Sometimes the experience itself is worth it, without needing to make it long term. You don't *have* to be in a relationship just to make it go long term. Sometimes it's nice to just focus on the experience, knowing it probably won't become anything permanent, but the experience itself is very enriching to your life at that time.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by restless

We live 3 hours apart and meet every two weeks.

Well, that's not actually too bad Seeing each other every two weeks is GREAT even though it may not feel like long enough. I was in an LDR with a guy in a different country... and as I live in Australia, a different country is a world away There's no way to just jump in the car and drive there!!

The other thing is, as you're in college now, you'll have an end date for that in your mind, when you're finished and can move to be with her (or she can move to be with you - whatever works!).

So yeah, it is tough now... but you've got other stuff to focus on, you can communicate, and most importantly you CAN get together to see each other! It's important to focus on the positives of your relationship rather than the negatives.

[st33med]

Three hours is not that bad at all! I never even saw the girl who I had my first relationship with in real life (yet), and I was still happy and loving, even though most of our chats were on Facebook PMs and IRC chat. She lived all the way in France and I lived in Virginia, USA. I would have loved to see her every two weeks. I think missing your loved one is fine, nothing to suffer over. I think an empowering view would be excited when you two next meet!

[restless]

Thanks everyone. I can't imagine any other place on the internet to get such intelligent answers

We talked again. She definitely wants to be with me.
I found ways to make it easier -- making more time for her, staying positive, reminding her of our time together.
I think it will work out just fine

[Boreas]

Smother her with phone calls, text messages, cards.

When she calls ask "why didn't you call me sooner?" etc.. etc...

Soon she will start to remember all the bad points of a close distance relationship and focus on developing her own life, which is what would have to happen if your relationship is going to be healthy anyways.

I guess this is bitter humor, but maybe it is what I have more or less done to my girlfriend in our LDR. The truth is that LDR has a lot of benefits, it lets you idealize the other person, but it also forces you to focus on having a complete and full life without your partner. Once you get that down, be sure to keep it up when your LDR becomes a normal relationship.

[dirtyhive]

Originally Posted by restless

We live 3 hours apart and meet every two weeks.

This may be a blessing in disguise.

I used to date a girl that lived in the next town over, I would see her once every two weeks or so. We didn't see enough of each other to ever feel that we were tiring of one another; we felt as though time together was rare and treasured. And although leaving sucked, and we missed each other hard enough for it to hurt, and at the time I hated the moderate distance for keeping us apart... I realise with hindsight missing someone is actually a somewhat sweet thing. I think the distance helped develop and prolong the relationship (it lasted for almost five years in the end). I sometimes wonder how things would have gone if she'd merely lived down the road from me, or we'd shared a house, whether things would have been less special... eventually she moved away to university and I could only see her every three months or so. That was when it all fell apart; we just grew apart so much that it seemed just pointless.

But the point is that bi-weekly meetings are not at all bad. You might actually find that the distance is your friend, in some ways. So yeah, it hurts that you miss each other. But I think you should be thankful that you have the time to miss each other properly... it makes the time together so much more sweet.