Can't Stand a "Close" Friend

[Stargirl]

I have this friend whose schedule is very similar to mine (I'm in high school) so I see her a lot during the day. The thing is, lately she's been repulsive to me.

I know I see my own flaws and insecurities in her, but I don't know what to do about it.

I tried to think of things that are admirable about her, but I really could not think of anything. I don't admire anything about her. And she's never shown great loyalty, courage, etc.

I think it's partly because I feel like I'm constrained by the people in my high school. I'm going to college soon and I feel really ready to get out and meet new people. I'm dissatisfied with my friends. I know one person I would keep in contact with after high school, but others I just talk to because they're there at the time.

I feel like I'm getting nothing from my friendship from her, but the way our schedules are and the way the cliques are, it's hard to talk to anyone else in a lot of classes/lunch/break. I feel like she's holding me back. Her negativity and forceful attitude don't bother me anymore, but sometimes I catch myself becoming negative and forceful. I don't know. She depends on me a lot and she's not mean, but I feel like I've moved past her.

Excuse the rambly-ness of this. I'm not sure what I feel right now.

[bellbird]

What is the aim of your thread? I'm just wondering whether you are telling us that you have just 'outgrown' your friends, or if it's just a boring period right now in your life?

I know I see my own flaws and insecurities in her, but I don't know what to do about it.
I tried to think of things that are admirable about her, but I really could not think of anything. I don't admire anything about her. And she's never shown great loyalty, courage, etc.

Does that mean that you do not see any admirable traits in yourself? (What you see in others you see in yourself and what annoyes you in others is something you have trouble with yourself.)

If she's your friend, how come you can't see anything admirable in her (nor in yourself)? She must be a godafwul person if you can't see anything to praise or appreciate, and I find that hard to believe. Loyalty, courage, independency and being nice seem to be very important to you.

If you're not satisfied with your friends, you're not satisfied with yourself. Sounds like you wish you were more independant, to be admired and liked, others who are loyal to you and to have courageous and fun people around you. You secretly wish you were more courageous and independant?

Basically it sounds to me that you are bored stiff and are annoyed other people are not exciting enough, including yourself. I'm sure it's a temporary stage and when you're in highschool friendships change every year anyway. If you're going to college, great! Nothing to worry about. Still, your writing to me comes accross as being quite depreciative and down.

What can you do about it: "take up the mirror, not the magnifying glass" (Susan Jeffers) All the best!

[pinkhighlighter]

It might be that you are becoming more annoyed by her because of exactly what you said: you see your flaws in her.
The resolution to that problem isn't to ditch her to find someone else who might make you feel better about yourself, but to work on who you are as a person. And maybe she will learn from you.

If you really don't like her anymore, which happens, it's time to pull away from the relationship. You are at an age where you are discovering more and more about yourself and the kind of people you enjoy hanging out with.
Don't continue hanging out wth her b/c there is no one else around to talk to. That would be using her and then being upset with her for who she is.

Don't avoid people because they remind you of the flaws in yourself. Work on them and also make an attempt to see the good traits others. Don't look down on others if they are not just like you. We are all different and that should be embraced. We have more to offer each other that way. Maybe in working on your own flaws you will inspire her to work on hers.

Reflect on the reasons you really don't like her anymore.
Has she betrayed you?
Does she use you?
Do you have nothing in common anymore?

You mentioned that you are getting nothing from your relationship with her.
What are you bringing to her as a friend?
Friendships are two way streets.

[Stargirl]

You both make good points. I agree, I do have a need to be more courageous and independent.

I guess I'm going to just hang out with her a little less because I think I've been talking to her too much that I feel constricted and bored.

Sorry if my post was confusing and rambly. I was a little emotional, annoyed, and confused at that moment.

And thank you guys . The whole "responsibility for your own life" idea just popped in my head. I should just take action and talk to different people I know. And as for conversations with her or not with her, I can direct them away from negative subjects and have good conversation by doing something about it.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by Stargirl

I think it's partly because I feel like I'm constrained by the people in my high school. I'm going to college soon and I feel really ready to get out and meet new people. I'm dissatisfied with my friends. I know one person I would keep in contact with after high school, but others I just talk to because they're there at the time.

Three years ago, I was in almost your exact same shoes. I grew up in a fairly small town, known primarily for its star high school girls' basketball team... and for its ridiculously high teen pregnancy rate. I had a few friends I wished to keep in contact with (which I've done), but I wanted to leave that place behind, and leave 95% of my graduating class there with it. Compounded to that was the fact that my parents were recently divorced and my father was (already!) about to remarry, forcing me to inherit a new stepfamily. There was no hope there for me, and I desperately clung to the knowledge that I would soon be going away for college... and didn't plan on coming back.

On the brighter side, I did come back, and life has since mellowed out. I can (usually) tolerate staying at home during breaks, and have no qualms about chatting with former classmates, even those I never really got along with during school. I really only hang out with one small core group of friends, and I'm okay with that. Most former acquaintances have gone their own ways. The moral of the story is this, Stargirl:

College will change you in ways you'd never expect, particularly if you go far from home, live in a dorm and gain the "true college experience". Don't be afraid to spread your wings and fly away - chances are, most people you know are ready to do the same. At the same time, forget any and all of your high school grudges, especially this one. Things will fall into place, and there's no sense stressing over one rocky friendship when you've got applications to worry about. Show her love, while at the same time keeping in mind your aspirations for the near future. I think this little gem from Baz Luhrmann sums it up nicely:

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Good luck.

[bellbird]

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Thank you Scott for that quote.

Stargirl good on you. I agree with Scott that friends come and go (good post Scott), especially in the highschool years and to some extent in college as well. There will be people who might stay in your life too which is a bonus. I am not seeing any of my highschool friends anymore (living on the other side of the world makes it a bit trickier too ) and am still in touch with a few from college/university. I have met new friends too, but the whole point is that when you're happy within yourself it's nice if you have friends, especially really good ones, but because you're happy within yourself not getting hung up on the whole thing helps. Even when harder times hit, you still know you'll be ok. Anyway, enough of my ramblings All the best!