Holidays Alone

[Rezzy7]

I was looking forward to spending the holidays with the woman I love but that relationship appears to have ended. (I'm not even sure because she won't communicate at the moment.) She did not want to see me on Thanksgiving and I may not even talk to her before Christmas.

These are times that people I know of spend with family and close friends. I will be alone, just as I usually am on almost every holiday, including birthdays.

I think there must be other people who are usually alone on holidays by default.

What do other people do to keep from feeling so left out and depressed on holidays? How do you handle it when it is this way year after year?

[Ikkxs]

Sorry to hear your relationship ended. Bon courage.

You can always look for an organisation to do some volunteer work during the X-mas holidays. Then you are not alone and you may help other people to bring them some x-mas joy.

If you don't want to spend holiday alone you can always join a grouptravel.In Belgium we have several agency specialized in grouptravels. You always meet new people. It might not be your first goal to meet new people but at least you are in a group and not sitting alone at home.

What I also discovered in Belgium is an organization that organizes every weekend activities for singles.The inscription fee is a bit high but then you can attend lot's of activities to meet people with a similar interest and age. There must be similar agencies in your neighbourhood.

[Savage]

Why rule out the possibility of a new love interest before then? You still have weeks to go. A new relationship can be started within a matter of hours.

If you need some space and really want to spend this time alone, there's nothing wrong with that at all. If that's the case, then decide to accept it, and create your own holiday for one however you see fit.

But if you don't feel you need the space and would rather be cuddling someone yummy on Xmas and smooching them on New Year's, then it's better to shift your focus and channel your energy in that direction instead. It's certainly an achievable goal.

[Falkor]

Rezzy, I don't think you need your space, and what I hear you saying is that you dread another year alone. Me too. This is my 5th year alone for the holidays. I have tried everything. I tried volunteering, (everywhere!) and no one needed any volunteers (can you believe that?) Talk about feeling more rejected and alone..nothing like being refused when you offer to help....And as for finding new love in an instant, just sets you up for more 'desperately seeking Susan", sorry, I must sound negative. Of course, one can try to do this, and hope for finding the love of their life before the holidays, but I like to have a plan which offers a little more success rate.
The idea of a singles group is great!!. I want to move to Belgium now.! there isn't one where I live in Austria. No one here is single, because if you are you are treated like a leper. So what I have done once before and it worked out great, is to book a really nice hotel somewhere and order room service or go to a place where they are offering Christmas dinner...then I pretend I am on a business trip, bring my computer, dress nice, so I avoid all the 'pity' looks. Splurge! Even if you can't afford it...it is YOUR life, so treat yourself! It made me feel Sooooo much better, and guess what? I met people who were NICE. Not ones who felt sorry for me...because, hey, I was on a business trip and dressed up. All the positive thinking in the world never did me any good, the situation called for action and imagination, even if I was lying to myself.
I have no family, none at all. My husband ran off with another woman while I was pregnant, the stress caused me to lose the baby. My parents had died and I have no siblings. The mood I was in, I had no friends either. so I know what I am talking about. I am no stranger to complete loneliness and grief. The holidays are here, I was alone for Thanksgiving, and I DO NOT plan on spending another Christmas staring at the walls. If there are no single groups for me to find, I am already searching for a nice hotel to take myself to. It works for me, maybe it will help you.

[Savage]

Originally Posted by Falkor

Rezzy, I don't think you need your space, and what I hear you saying is that you dread another year alone. Me too. This is my 5th year alone for the holidays. I have tried everything. I tried volunteering, (everywhere!) and no one needed any volunteers (can you believe that?) Talk about feeling more rejected and alone..nothing like being refused when you offer to help....And as for finding new love in an instant, just sets you up for more 'desperately seeking Susan", sorry, I must sound negative. Of course, one can try to do this, and hope for finding the love of their life before the holidays, but I like to have a plan which offers a little more success rate.
The idea of a singles group is great!!. I want to move to Belgium now.! there isn't one where I live in Austria. No one here is single, because if you are you are treated like a leper. So what I have done once before and it worked out great, is to book a really nice hotel somewhere and order room service or go to a place where they are offering Christmas dinner...then I pretend I am on a business trip, bring my computer, dress nice, so I avoid all the 'pity' looks. Splurge! Even if you can't afford it...it is YOUR life, so treat yourself! It made me feel Sooooo much better, and guess what? I met people who were NICE. Not ones who felt sorry for me...because, hey, I was on a business trip and dressed up. All the positive thinking in the world never did me any good, the situation called for action and imagination, even if I was lying to myself.
I have no family, none at all. My husband ran off with another woman while I was pregnant, the stress caused me to lose the baby. My parents had died and I have no siblings. The mood I was in, I had no friends either. so I know what I am talking about. I am no stranger to complete loneliness and grief. The holidays are here, I was alone for Thanksgiving, and I DO NOT plan on spending another Christmas staring at the walls. If there are no single groups for me to find, I am already searching for a nice hotel to take myself to. It works for me, maybe it will help you.

Volunteering and going on a pretend business trip are valid methods for not spending the holidays alone, but they don't appear to be helping you create what you actually desire.

You're diverting your energies into what you think you can get instead of into what you actually desire. That's a recipe for stagnation and unhappiness. It can't fulfill you like a real desire can.

What do you actually want to experience for the upcoming holidays?

If we think our desires are out of reach, it's tempting to settle for what we think we can get, but that doesn't work. Even if we get that lesser goal, it feels empty and unsatisfying.

It's better to stay focused on the real desire and give that seed time to grow within you, until you're so full of desire for it that you finally draw it into your life.

Logistically it isn't difficult to attract a new relationship. But who'd want to enter into a relationship with someone who goes on fake business trips? That sort of thing will probably repel a legitimate connection.

When you get really clear about what you want, and you obsess about it and allow yourself to believe it's at least possible (even if it seems unlikely), that's how you begin to draw it into your life. But in order for this to work, you must say no to that which is incompatible with your truest, deepest desires. If you say yes to a substitute, then your real desires can't reach you.

Feed only your true desires, not the phony substitutes.

[Rezzy7]

Ikkxs, thank you for your comments. I have heard many suggestions of volunteering as a way of getting the mind off one's self and thus off depression. That is something I will look into when I feel right about it; I know, it's crazy I'm on a PD forum and saying no to volunteering, but at the moment I'm not of the right head or heart for that.

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Why rule out the possibility of a new love interest before then? You still have weeks to go. A new relationship can be started within a matter of hours.

Thanks for the reply!
I am open to anything happening, but there are some other things I think I have to deal with first. It is an interesting idea and I like it. I hadn't ruled it out but also hadn't considered it seriously partly because I have only met 3 women who wanted to date me in the past decade (I'm not making this up!), and the 2 relationships I was in were initiated by the woman both times, not by me. (It is, apparently, a skill I have not learned.) That is not to say strange things can't happen, but I don't know how to work so fast! I know I have to leave my house.

If that's the case, then decide to accept it, and create your own holiday for one however you see fit.

I'm glad you said this because it is something that I do, maybe a bit too frequently though. A few times I have been ok and even quite content alone, but I'd prefer to do that more rarely.

I suppose I must figure out how to focus on the kind of cuddling or smooching you mentioned, and create a new relationship in short order. I wish I understood how people do this. I would be more confident about accomplishing that if I felt I was better liked when I meet people in general. I don't know how not to seem needy and people sense it.

Originally Posted by Falkor

Talk about feeling more rejected and alone..nothing like being refused when you offer to help....And as for finding new love in an instant, just sets you up for more 'desperately seeking Susan", sorry, I must sound negative. Of course, one can try to do this, and hope for finding the love of their life before the holidays, but I like to have a plan which offers a little more success rate.

Thanks for the comments. Sorry to hear that you are having similar trouble as mine. I think you have hit on one of my fears about volunteering. I had only imagined that scenario and didn't want to take the chance, even though it seemed irrational. I agree with you about feeling desperate...for me it is because there is a deadline, and if I set this as a goal then I'll be focused on an outcome which some people say not to do because it interferes with fun and relaxing.

No one here is single, because if you are you are treated like a leper.

If you are not exaggerating this is unfortunate! And it reminds me of a sad but funny thing. I received coupons in the mail for a frozen yogurt shop. The first coupon gave a discount for a group of four. The second one gave a buy 1 get 1 free discount. There was no coupon for an individual to use, only if accompanied by 1 or 3 friends. Singles discrimination!

Oh I like your idea about the "business trip". I haven't thought of doing it that way. I'm not great at playing off that I'm somewhere alone...I do not like it because I almost always desire a playmate to trade jokes with. I thought of going solo to a restaurant for Thanksgiving but chickened out. Maybe I turkeyed out, since it was Thanksgiving. So I stayed home and made some non-traditional food and gave a small sample to my dog.

[sling15]

man i would go to church and volunteer to help out with their christmas concert since most churches have that....it will be fun and who knows maybe you might meet someone....

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

You're diverting your energies into what you think you can get instead of into what you actually desire. That's a recipe for stagnation and unhappiness. It can't fulfill you like a real desire can.

If we think our desires are out of reach, it's tempting to settle for what we think we can get, but that doesn't work. Even if we get that lesser goal, it feels empty and unsatisfying.

I agree. I don't like to settle for less for any reason, and if I think my 3rd or 4th choice is the best I can hope for that will also affect my self-esteem. I often chose nothing if I can't have my actual desire. Like the Mercedes slogan: The best or nothing.

Logistically it isn't difficult to attract a new relationship. But who'd want to enter into a relationship with someone who goes on fake business trips? That sort of thing will probably repel a legitimate connection.

I would assume a few people would understand, depending on the spin. But this is one thing that occurs to me about going on this kind of adventure alone. I think if someone knows I spend so much time alone, even if I'm not faking anything, that is also a repellent. And I know two people who resent that I have so much time to myself and they don't.

[Benton]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

I suppose I must figure out how to focus on the kind of cuddling or smooching you mentioned, and create a new relationship in short order. I wish I understood how people do this. I would be more confident about accomplishing that if I felt I was better liked when I meet people in general. I don't know how not to seem needy and people sense it.

I can't tell you how to do it, but I can tell you why some people can find a new relationship in short order.

If you love yourself, you believe that everyone else should love you too, so the chances of them rejecting you is pretty low (therefore the chance of some random pretty girl finding you attractive is pretty high). If you don't like yourself, you believe that everyone else won't like you either, so the chances of rejection are pretty high.

Personally, I can imagine somebody finding me physically attractive, but I can't even start to believe that they would find me emotionally attractive. There are some things I've done in the past that I can't get by and don't even know who I can talk to them about. It has destroyed any chance of romance for me.

This will be my 12th single year in a row around the holidays and, between that and seasonal depression, I really don't look forward to the holidays. I know where you're coming from OP, and I hope things get better for you.

[Arcturus]

I will be alone on Christmas day as I am for every other day of the year. It's not easy and it might seem strange to some but the way I deal with it is to try and pretend that Christmas is just another day. Try not to watch TV as you'll be bombarded with Christmas shows etc. Just try to keep yourself busy and get through it. Read a book, watch a DVD or do anything.
Sad I know but there you go. I do love the 'spirit of Christmas' and miss it very much but it's not easy to celebrate on one's own. Next year I'll be living in a different area and will be closer to relations that care so it should be different for me by then.

[moonrambler]

It sounds like you guys really need to start building a foundation of friends who become your family. And to reconnect with any extended family you might have.

Here's a thread where some community members have a goal to make new friends:

Contest!

[Rezzy7]

I hear ya Benton. You have a good point about the self love. I mostly hated myself for many years, so I have a feeling that there is a residual of...something that interferes when I might otherwise have made a great connection. Thanks for posting.

Arcturus, those are things I do, and acting as if it's just another day. Thanks. But when I do that it's not with excitement because I'm able to fool myself for long. It feels inauthentic to who I really am because from what I know of me there should be people with me except when I specifically choose solitude.

I am not looking at it as totally sad, however. Yes I get sad at times. Part of my upset is from not understanding what makes me any different than the people who are surrounded by their friends or family. I know I'm not like a weirdo! I'm trying to remain positive and I just wonder what may unfold from it. It does fascinate me the idea that something I thought was impossible could end up coming to pass. And I do not take for granted that most of the people I know would kill to have the free time that I have!

Thanks moonrambler, I was reading that thread and I'll have to catch up. I didn't join the contest because I am remaining at home mostly unless I need groceries. I'm willing to approach anyone for a chat, but I don't want to do it when I'm in a negative pattern. Becoming friends within a few minutes, I don't know about.

[Savage]

Dating and relationships involve quite a number of skills, and it takes persistence and courage to develop them. It sounds like you're being held back mainly by a lack of development in this area, which is very common. It's not like schools teach us what we need to know to get good results. For the most part we have to learn it on our own.

It's like developing any other skill really. If you want to earn more money, for instance, then it's important to develop certain skills that you can use to generate income. If you decline to develop any skills in this area, your income will suffer for it.

Being passive doesn't work very well. Whether we're talking about money or relationships, good results don't usually show up unless you're taking a lot of action.

One of the best things you can do is to hang out with friends or other people you know who have highly developed dating and relationship skills -- people who are already enjoying abundance similar to what you'd like to have. Then humbly ask them if they'd be willing to help you or coach you to improve in this area.

That's basically what I did. I found people who were way beyond me, and I asked them for advice. Their advice sounded counter-intuitive, but I trusted them, so I took action despite my doubts. And it gradually led me to shed some limiting beliefs.

Overcoming passivity would be a good first area to focus on. To do this you can give yourself challenges like approaching and starting conversations with 10 people per day. Go out every night to a place where there are lots of people, and just approach, approach, approach. It doesn't matter what you say. Walk up and say hi for starters. Being with people who look friendly. Get used to being more chatty. The point isn't to find someone you're attracted to right away. It's to get comfortable being social and open with your energy, so that when the right person does come along, you'll have the skills to create a good connection.

It takes time and patience, but this is a path of development that has worked for countless people. You definitely don't need to remain stuck where you are.

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Being passive doesn't work very well. Whether we're talking about money or relationships, good results don't usually show up unless you're taking a lot of action.

What? I can't just sit on my couch and do a visualization and it will happen magically?

One of the best things you can do is to hang out with friends or other people you know who have highly developed dating and relationship skills -- people who are already enjoying abundance similar to what you'd like to have. Then humbly ask them if they'd be willing to help you or coach you to improve in this area.

This is a good plan and I believe you've found my big catch-22. I don't have friends who fit this criteria. Also, I have a ridiculous difficulty making friends, so I will have to overcome that as part of the process. It is a challenge when the consistent message I get from my efforts is that people generally prefer to avoid me. I don't understand this because it doesn't seem to match who I know myself to be (ie, a cool guy and good buddy, or whatever. You know, decent).

Overcoming passivity would be a good first area to focus on. To do this you can give yourself challenges like approaching and starting conversations with 10 people per day. Go out every night to a place where there are lots of people, and just approach, approach, approach. It doesn't matter what you say. Walk up and say hi for starters. Being with people who look friendly. Get used to being more chatty. The point isn't to find someone you're attracted to right away. It's to get comfortable being social and open with your energy, so that when the right person does come along, you'll have the skills to create a good connection.

I will have to figure out where is a good place for this. I normally have no issue approaching people to say hi. Initially many people seem open and friendly. Where I get hung up is getting past the hello, getting to know them and have them feeling good in a short time where they would like to know me beyond that moment. I think I learn these things better by observing examples than by just practicing over and over. Thanks.

The girl I mentioned at the top of this thread replied when I sent her a message today (within a few minutes). I kept it short and have mostly been giving her space. I don't know what she wants but least she's communicating. I have some goals to work on no matter becomes of that relationship and it's quite challenging.

[Falkor]

[QUOTE=Rezzy7;767931]What? I can't just sit on my couch and do a visualization and it will happen magically?
This is a good plan and I believe you've found my big catch-22. I don't have friends who fit this criteria. Also, I have a ridiculous difficulty making friends, so I will have to overcome that as part of the process. It is a challenge when the consistent message I get from my efforts is that people generally prefer to avoid me. I don't understand this because it doesn't seem to match who I know myself to be (ie, a cool guy and good buddy, or whatever. You know, decent).


Rezzy,
I so get where you are coming from!
I do not not have friends who fit this criteria either..like the kind of friends who will be there for you when you need to talk to someone, or who will help you when you are really in need. I also feel it does not match who I see myself as, (outgoing, funny, caring person, a good friend, etc.) ...

I do like myself, so the theory of liking yourself will attract others is a mystery to me. To be honest, the only time I don't like myself is when I pay too much attention to the horrible things people do to me.
I think I am fairly normal, yet I can not connect to people. I have been accused of being too friendly, and too caring. I don't see this as negative, and it pains me to think that to be popular, one should be less caring and less friendly...? I don't get it.
It's a quandary. And as I have been accused already in the post of being 'fake', when all I was trying to do was to offer my personal effort to get over my sadness at being alone for Christmas, I see how I am so often misunderstood.

But just as I thought I avoided personal hell this Christmas, last night I went to my social group meeting. There were about 30 people there, all who I knew from this club, and I chatted with them, smiled and asked what they were doing for Christmas...and when I left, I suddenly realized that not ONE of them asked what I was doing. Not one even invited me over for a drink, nothing. And of course, everyone knows I am the only single one in the group who has no family here. So where is this Christmas Spirit I hear so much about in the news, media, TV? I was not expecting anything, I did not even think about it until I got home and called one of my distant friends who asked if any of the group invited me....it was only then that I realized no one had even asked what my plans were.

I was so sad the rest of the night, I though about canceling my 'fake business trip'. Maybe I should stay at home and just be alone. I am sorry, all this complaining isn't helping you Rezzy.

I did want to say that when I read what you write I feel like it is my own voice in my head. So you have connected with me and I want to tell you that. You sound really nice, and NORMAL...whatever that means! I can not understand why you do not have lots and lots of friends. You sound like someone I would like to know. I don't know where you are, but if we were in the same town, I would definitely invite you for Christmas and even New Years Eve....which is, by the way another event I do not look forward to spend alone.

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by Falkor

It's a quandary. And as I have been accused already in the post of being 'fake', when all I was trying to do was to offer my personal effort to get over my sadness at being alone for Christmas, I see how I am so often misunderstood.

You do see how you twisted this around. Nobody accused YOU of being fake . . . someone commented on a fake business trip you devised that didn't get you what you wanted. For some reason, you wanted to show people you don't even know that you have a good reason to spend Christmas on your own.

But just as I thought I avoided personal hell this Christmas, last night I went to my social group meeting. There were about 30 people there, all who I knew from this club, and I chatted with them, smiled and asked what they were doing for Christmas...and when I left, I suddenly realized that not ONE of them asked what I was doing. Not one even invited me over for a drink, nothing. And of course, everyone knows I am the only single one in the group who has no family here. So where is this Christmas Spirit I hear so much about in the news, media, TV?

I don't know what's up with your social group, but it sounds shallow, like you haven't actually made any real friends through there?

[moonrambler]

About volunteering. I discovered this myself one year, I can't remember if it was Thanksgiving or Christmas, that it looked like I was going to wind up spending alone so I looked for some volunteer opportunities, and nobody needed anybody. I have found since then that organizations say they have way too many offers to help on holidays, and way too few offers the entire rest of the year.

[Falkor]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by moonrambler

You do see how you twisted this around. Nobody accused YOU of being fake . . . someone commented on a fake business trip you devised that didn't get you what you wanted. For some reason, you wanted to show people you don't even know that you have a good reason to spend Christmas on your own.

You're right. I heard it (read it) as a put down. I just re-read it, and I don't have the same reaction, it does not sound so critical.
But I did not devise it to impress anyone, and it was not a ploy to get anything.
Maybe this is why I don't have anyone in my life. Good point. For some reason I am so often misunderstood and feel criticized. guess it is my fault.

As for the social group, I agree, I now know that they are not really sincere.

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by Falkor

I do like myself, so the theory of liking yourself will attract others is a mystery to me. To be honest, the only time I don't like myself is when I pay too much attention to the horrible things people do to me.

Same here about the mystery. I admit for many years I hated myself and was very negative and down. All I can figure is that the "energy" of that still resonates. Then, because people do not seem to respond to me the way they respond to other people, it forces me to question my own self image. In doing so, I think that perpetuates the energy I don't want to project.

Thanks for the kind words, btw.

And as I have been accused already in the post of being 'fake', when all I was trying to do was to offer my personal effort to get over my sadness at being alone for Christmas, I see how I am so often misunderstood.

I think your strategy was one which worked for you in a certain way that other people don't see a need for and don't understand. I think I get why you would have a fake business trip. Not something I would do or recommend long-term but maybe it helps while you are figuring things out.

Good to have connected with you in the way you describe. It's interesting many people cannot relate to our predicament. Most people I know have too many people to deal with daily, and it's unfathomable to them anyone would ever have ZERO people in their daily lives!

This is why I want to talk to my guides. Sometimes it seems that no matter what I do I am "destined" to stay in a state of aloneness as if it's required, and I would like to know why or if there's a lesson I just can't seem to learn, or what. If my effort was zero, then fine. But it feels like I'm slamming into walls in any direction I turn.

[AlmostGodess]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

Good to have connected with you in the way you describe. It's interesting many people cannot relate to our predicament. Most people I know have too many people to deal with daily, and it's unfathomable to them anyone would ever have ZERO people in their daily lives!

This is why I want to talk to my guides. Sometimes it seems that no matter what I do I am "destined" to stay in a state of aloneness as if it's required, and I would like to know why or if there's a lesson I just can't seem to learn, or what. If my effort was zero, then fine. But it feels like I'm slamming into walls in any direction I turn.

I have realized I started a similar thread

I think ALL people want connection with other human beings. Start thinking of yourself as a person with whom people want to connect. Start feeling that connection with EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is your nature. Just give it a try and notice what happens.

Nobody is destined to be alone, unless they have chosen this.

Try to see the thread I have initiated on this issue. People came up with really good ideas. And brainstorm yourself too: if you ask yourself "what can I do to improve my Christmas time?", what kind of answers do you get?

I'm with you!

Christmas angel

[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by AlmostGodess

Start thinking of yourself as a person with whom people want to connect. Start feeling that connection with EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is your nature. Just give it a try and notice what happens.

Thanks for your post.
This is something that I thought I already thought, but with the "evidence" saying otherwise it is difficult to believe. It seems if people wanted to connect with me they would have. Your reminder is good, though, for me to keep trying to hold this attitude despite appearances of the opposite.

Nobody is destined to be alone, unless they have chosen this.

Well I definitely do not choose it, not to this degree, so this is why I'm puzzled. I agree with your statement, yet I feel like I am an exception to it somehow. It doesn't make sense.

Try to see the thread I have initiated on this issue. People came up with really good ideas. And brainstorm yourself too: if you ask yourself "what can I do to improve my Christmas time?", what kind of answers do you get?

I'm with you!

Christmas angel

Well, thanks you are nice! I saw your thread when there were only 4 or 5 posts but I didn't have a minute to chime in then. Looks longer now, I'll take a peek. I may have something to contribute after your prompt to brainstorm.

[Falkor]

where is this thread? ( new person, remember?) I have trouble finding this. I also don't know how to do that blue section quote thing...ok, call me stupid, I just don't have the hang of it yet. I hit the quote button, but it marks everything I write instead of the part I want to comment on...

So, Rezzy, again...you are saying EXACTLY the same thing I say to myself every day. Even your replies to posts, are exactly what I would say (but maybe better).

[rawxstasy]

Here's the thread.

Christmas loneliness issues

And if you want to quote, I just delete what I don't need from the quote. You can also paste the [username] and [quote] on the parts you want to quote.

[Falkor]

Same here. I notice it all the time that someone will speak to me differently than how they do with others. so I am projecting something that I am not aware of. I also hated myself for a long time, and maybe there is some residing energy from that, but I thought I had eradicated it.
Everywhere one can hear negative things about being alone.... why is there not some positive things about it? I think this is one factor that makes me miserable about my situation. If I don't think about it, I am pretty content with doing things that make me happy. But if on a TV show there is something about dying alone..or to end up alone, it is horrible. Why? And why do I care what the TV says? Or movies, or people, or songs... I don't know. but I do know it is out there, a social stigma about not having anyone.

Good point.

I think this is right, no one I know or have ever known has my situation and almost zero people. It is not easy I guess for anyone to understand this. It's like trying to explain what a headache is to someone who never had one.

I feel that way too. I am not getting the lesson either. I have asked myself, and guides, and God, why is this happening to me? What did I do? But I have not found the answers. I dealt with it for a few years, enjoying my aloneness, but now, it is getting ridiculous....year after year is just too much. Maybe we can figure this out. I hope so. I have the time to work on it, if only it would bring me some peace instead of further frustration.

[Benton]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

Well I definitely do not choose it, not to this degree, so this is why I'm puzzled. I agree with your statement, yet I feel like I am an exception to it somehow. It doesn't make sense.

Making a conscious choice and having beliefs that make that choice for you are one and the same, I think.

For example, me. I am a very angry person. I'm angry mostly at myself, for not being the person I want to be, for not being perfect, for not doing what I should for fear of not doing a good enough job, for not having the strength of will to change, that kind of stuff. I also feel as though, because I am unable to be good enough, I don't deserve to have people who like me.

I've never actually caught myself doing it, but I'm absolutely sure this comes through in my interactions with people. It's certainly not an attractive trait. (And I'm angry at myself for having this trait.)

I don't know how to break it, but I am working on it. I believe it's clear that the choices we make that lead us to isolation are not necessarily directly linked to being isolated. They are a whole arc of choices we've made and project when interacting with people.

[True Fulfillment]

If your authentic desire is telling you that you want to have someone to spend the holidays with then focus on getting that... as long as it's not a cover up for your own insecurity that's making you feel like you need somebody to make you happy due to a lack of self-love. Either way, here's something that will help you either way.

Focus on all the amazing things about you and all the great things you have to offer to a potential partner.

Seeing your own value and knowing the gifts you have to offer people is a sure-fire way to boost your self-confidence and give you the motivation you need to go out there and get what you really want.

Take some time to sit down and answer the following questions, either in your journal or in a microsoft word file.

1. What about me is interesting?

2. What are some of my best qualities?

3. What makes me special or unique?

4. What are my strengths or what am I good at?

5. What accomplishments am I most proud of?

6. What do people like about me?

7. What about me is attractive?

[Rezzy7]

I'm glad to say a family member invited me for Christmas dinner last week. This only came about when some of my family learned of my recent trip to the emergency room, and surgery. I'm happy to have the invitation, but I know this would not have happened if I hadn't had a major life-event to get people's attention. I wouldn't even have been on their radar. I have heard people fake dramatic things for similar reasons. For me it was a real thing and I would have rather not had such extreme pain. I have something to do at least for the dinner, but it sure would be preferable to have had that without going to ER.

[AlmostGodess]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

Thanks for your post.
This is something that I thought I already thought, but with the "evidence" saying otherwise it is difficult to believe. It seems if people wanted to connect with me they would have. Your reminder is good, though, for me to keep trying to hold this attitude despite appearances of the opposite.

Why would people want to connect with you? What can you offer them? Are you someone easy to connect with? Why would people not want to connect with you? When you feel good and spread good energy, people just want to be around you, they want to share things with you. When you feel down and you think that thw world and everyone inside sucks, people will most likely avoid you. What kind of a person are you?

I have noticed that in those periods of my life when I was suffering, I used to go into myself, to have very little contact with the outer world. In such periods I meet less people and I have less friends. However, once my energy starts booming again, so does my social life, I just have people flowing into my life

I am curious if other forum members experienced this.

[AlmostGodess]

Originally Posted by Rezzy7

I'm glad to say a family member invited me for Christmas dinner last week. This only came about when some of my family learned of my recent trip to the emergency room, and surgery. I'm happy to have the invitation, but I know this would not have happened if I hadn't had a major life-event to get people's attention. I wouldn't even have been on their radar. I have heard people fake dramatic things for similar reasons. For me it was a real thing and I would have rather not had such extreme pain. I have something to do at least for the dinner, but it sure would be preferable to have had that without going to ER.

Rezzy, say "Thank you" and don't ask why Somebody thought about you in a beautiful way. You are lucky!

[munish]

Why Being Alone For Christmas Rocks!

http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/why-...s-rocks/5407/:)