Relationship help

[Safferbeauty]

I know in relationshps people are attracted to confidence. I am not really a very confident person, even though I am trying to be. My boyfriend of 18 months and I broke up about 5 months ago. I think the main reasons were is that I could have been slightly too clingy and I think he felt confined, if you know what I mean. I didn't mean to be like that. I dont think he really knew how to communicate as I am or was his first serious girlfriend. I wanna try and work things out with him if there is a chance but I need to work on myself first before there is a chance for us. I don't know where to even begine. Please help me.

Thank you

[absvan]

After 18 months I would defnintely want my g/f to be clingy. If not I would not feel good. I dont mean to say that I want her to be with me 24/7 but taking time everyday to know that she appreciates having me in her life......and NOT TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED.

A friend of mine who is married told me that after a while you would want to spend time away from each other cos you keep seeing everyday. I dont agree with that though and when I started dating I made sure that my girlfriend is not that type too. I dont know what your opinion is since people are different when it comes to relationships, however, you need to know what kind of a person you are and what you want in a relationship.

Anway coming back to confidence. Find out what are the areas where you lack confidence. Write them down on a paper. After that take the first one and ask yourself why do I feel like this? Write down the answer. Then focus on the answer and ask again.....go on and backtrack and find the root of the problem. This has helped me a lot. Once you find the cause, start programming yourself to repalce it. I beleive finding the root of the problem and accepting it is the hard part. Then write down how you want to be and start programming your mind to receive the new pattern. You can find tons of articles on how to do that on Steve's site.

HTH
Good luck.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by absvan

After 18 months I would defnintely want my g/f to be clingy. If not I would not feel good. I dont mean to say that I want her to be with me 24/7 but taking time everyday to know that she appreciates having me in her life......and NOT TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED.

A friend of mine who is married told me that after a while you would want to spend time away from each other cos you keep seeing everyday. I dont agree with that though and when I started dating I made sure that my girlfriend is not that type too. I dont know what your opinion is since people are different when it comes to relationships, however, you need to know what kind of a person you are and what you want in a relationship.

Anway coming back to confidence. Find out what are the areas where you lack confidence. Write them down on a paper. After that take the first one and ask yourself why do I feel like this? Write down the answer. Then focus on the answer and ask again.....go on and backtrack and find the root of the problem. This has helped me a lot. Once you find the cause, start programming yourself to repalce it. I beleive finding the root of the problem and accepting it is the hard part. Then write down how you want to be and start programming your mind to receive the new pattern. You can find tons of articles on how to do that on Steve's site.

HTH
Good luck.

Wow, you're the first guy I've heard who wants their gf to be clingy! I agree with you though and I guess we're the minority. I would want to spend more time with my husband and have him be clingy with me too. I want to know he appreciates me and as you said, doesn't take me for granted.

[JHL]

Hello fellow saffer! I must admit, though, I didnt really know what a "saffer" was before you explained it in one of your posts. But yes, I am also a s'efrican!

I trust you'll forgive the slightly erratic nature of my post, but I am still recovering from our very marginal victory over Sri Lanka in the cricket last night. I'm not sure if you've been following the cricket, but it was a frightfully close affair! But this is not what you wrote about, and I do apologise for my digression...

Where should you begin? Well I think you have already begun. You've identified a possible reason why your relationship didnt work. The truth is it could have ended for this reason, or for any number of other reasons. What' important is that you feel that you'd like to be more confident and less reliant on your partner for feeling validation and security. You want to feel more independent and confident in your own right. You are right in thinking that this will result in greater success in relationships.

Confidence comes from generating belief in yourself. In my view, its not sufficient to simply believe that you should be confident in yourself - you actually have to earn that confidence if it is to be genuine and long-lasting. Practically speaking, you earn that confidence by first knowing what your values are, and then by behaving in accordance with those values. In other words you stand up for what you believe in, you follow your own truth, you dont bend according to the whims of others.

This is not easy. It takes courage to stand by your convictions, and it also takes time to get there. But in the process of experiencing yourself doing these things - you earn confidence, self-esteem and self respect.

Someone once described self-esteem to me like a bowl of water that lives inside of you. With every thought, word and action you are either adding a teaspoon of water to that bowl, or you are taking one out of it. This analogy demonstrates how self esteem is not something you just decide to have. Its something you earn or lose every day.

Yes there is the whole new agey thing that we are all inherently special and wonderful etc. But the reality is that, like anything worthwhile in life, you have to earn respect. And the most important person you should have respect for, is yourself. As your self-esteem and self-respect grows, you will feel less inclined to be clingly. You will come into your own power and the quality of your relationships will improve wonderfully.

Good luck! (and well done for living in the most beautiful city in the world!)

[Safferbeauty]

Thank you for your replies guys. The thing is I think it stems from my dad really. I did my best I could in school but it was never good enough for him but he was an alcoholic. I have forgiven him but it is still inside me for some reason. I think it also has to do with my weight as well. I am slightly over weight but not by too much. I think once those kilos start coming off I will feel a lot better about myself too. Thank you very much for your ideas.

[absvan]

Originally Posted by JHL

Confidence comes from generating belief in yourself. In my view, its not sufficient to simply believe that you should be confident in yourself - you actually have to earn that confidence if it is to be genuine and long-lasting. Practically speaking, you earn that confidence by first knowing what your values are, and then by behaving in accordance with those values. In other words you stand up for what you believe in, you follow your own truth, you dont bend according to the whims of others.

This is not easy. It takes courage to stand by your convictions, and it also takes time to get there. But in the process of experiencing yourself doing these things - you earn confidence, self-esteem and self respect.

Well said JHL. Awesome!!

BTW, I look forward to Australia winning the cup again.

[JHL]

Originally Posted by absvan

BTW, I look forward to Australia winning the cup again.

Sir, I am wounded. Wounded, I tell you!

[absvan]

Originally Posted by JHL

Sir, I am wounded. Wounded, I tell you!

I am actually an Indian fan but you know how pathetically we lost in the first round

Well I like Australia just because I am a die hard Shane Warne fan. Sorry!!!