Finally starting a long needed emotional journey...

[behindthelens]

Hello... so, I'm in that awkward wobbly stage of just waking up. I don't really know how to "start", so I'll probably just ramble...

I found this site in a google search of "inability to connect to others", after a few weeks of profound feeling of detachment and feeling lost among the crowds of people I "know".

I want to heal, to find myself, find my soul, which quite frankly has felt isolated, alone, and wandering for quite awhile now. I just graduated college last August, and feel I FINALLY have the time to concentrate on ME... so I'm starting. I've suffered from depression and anxiety since i was in fifth grade (23 now), and have been diagnosed with a spectrum of different "diagnosis" from borderline personality disorder (wrong) to depression (right) to anxiety attacks (right) to panic attacks (wrong) to a multitude of other things I can't even remember...

Basically, I feel like i have very little, if any emotional attachment to people in my life. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but sometimes it REALLY bothers me... Case in point (and the whole reason I googled tonight):

Normally, I do not need a lot of personal interaction to be happy in my day to day life. I am fine keeping to myself. I have two parents, who love me, but I don't get homesick or "crave" time with them. I have a sister who is my complete opposite, so we don't really bond on much of anything, at all. Since I graduated from college and moved home, I haven't made any friends and am not friends with anyone from high school except for two people. They are two old friends who are now engaged, and super religous, which is not my style at all... still very kind people, so I do enjoy their company once in awhile... Day to day, i mainly go to work (barista, LOVE my job), and come home and just chill out with my guitar, my camera or computer. This is my normal day to day feelings...

This is an example of an "emotional trigger" that has recently triggered intense feelings of loneliness, a lack of connection among others, awkwardness, and sadness (due to the other feelings):

In September, an aquantance/friend was in a horrific accident while attending a concert with me and other people from across the country, who we all know through the band message board. After the concert, my friend fell six stories from our hotel balcony, nearly killing him. He lived, but was in ICU for over a month with a traumatic brain injury, broken pelvis, fractured hip, fractured spine, broken ribs, and a bunch of other stuff. he has since been moved to another floor and is recovering nicely... I live here in the city he is being treated, and have been at his bedside a lot, helping him and his family anyway I can (his parents are even living with my family until he can be moved closer to home). Due to the TBI, he and I "bonded" a lot because I spent so much time here at the hospital... he said a lot of things, including telling me he loved me, had loved me, told me he wanted me there.. even telling his parents he loved me. He puckered his lips when I came in for a kiss (did this with a lot of the nurses too... TBI related, not sure why...). All of this... nearly losing him and then hearing these things brought a flood of good emotions to me, many of which I hadn't felt in YEARS since my first (and only) love had said them to me. As he awoke more and more from the TBI, I realized that he had had me confused with his dear friend, who had also been taking care of him... and that the feelings where all confusion due to the TBI.

Previous to this accident, he had invited me down to spend a holiday with him and his friends, which I did, instead of spending it alone. He was wonderfully nice to me, and we talked a lot ever since, so these were not feelings that developed only in the hospital (on my part). It was after the holiday that he began chasing after this other girl.... needless to say, my heart was a bit broken, and it is still a bit sore whenever the three of us are in the hospital room together. It is obvious that he loves her still, so it still stings a bit.

All in all, here are some things I have noticed about myself and relationships that bother me...

*I have a ton of empathy for people (like my friend in the hospital), but cannot seem to build a strong relationship beyond this.

*I tend not to "like" men until I find out they "like" me... I usually end up crushing on them then, but not before and I don't know why. I think it has something to do with loving the affection and love (not necessarily them) that I don't usually have in my life.

*I feel very little emotional attachment to the people closest to me- including my parents and sister. Even when I was away at college, I had no real desire to go home or see them, or anyone else.

*I'm "that" girl who people "can't understand" how I'm single because I am so "kind". I am also not butt ugly so I know that is not it... (No, I don't judge on looks...)

*I feel like I am drifting through life, waiting for time to just pass. I thrive on adrenaline (i love skydiving, storm chasing...).

I guess that is it. I guess I'm trying to find out why I feel so alianated from humanity and can't seem to feel the deep connection with anyone.

Thanks for letting me ramble... like I said, not quite sure why I'm here, but I'm ready to start searching for something... just not 100% sure what it is...

[behindthelens]

while i am not the biggest fans of 'therapists", does this sound famiar to anyone?

[Old Garrick]

Originally Posted by behindthelens

while i am not the biggest fans of 'therapists"

Rain on my parade, why doncha?

Originally Posted by behindthelens

Hello... so, I'm in that awkward wobbly stage of just waking up. I don't really know how to "start", so I'll probably just ramble...

Fair enough.

I found this site in a google search of "inability to connect to others", after a few weeks of profound feeling of detachment and feeling lost among the crowds of people I "know".

I think there's been a bit said on that over the years. I don't know as I've only recently been an active member.

I want to heal, to find myself, find my soul, which quite frankly has felt isolated, alone, and wandering for quite awhile now. I just graduated college last August, and feel I FINALLY have the time to concentrate on ME... so I'm starting. I've suffered from depression and anxiety since i was in fifth grade (23 now), and have been diagnosed with a spectrum of different "diagnosis" from borderline personality disorder (wrong) to depression (right) to anxiety attacks (right) to panic attacks (wrong) to a multitude of other things I can't even remember...

Generally, you're either healthy or you're not. A cousin of mine was misdiagnosed with autism when he simply had poor vision. I've also been diagnosed with some things I didn't have because I wanted to find out just how sharp the average shrink is. Not very, it turns out.

Basically, I feel like i have very little, if any emotional attachment to people in my life. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but sometimes it REALLY bothers me... Case in point (and the whole reason I googled tonight):

Well, if you have a problem, you might as well do something about it.

Normally, I do not need a lot of personal interaction to be happy in my day to day life. I am fine keeping to myself. I have two parents, who love me, but I don't get homesick or "crave" time with them. I have a sister who is my complete opposite, so we don't really bond on much of anything, at all. Since I graduated from college and moved home, I haven't made any friends and am not friends with anyone from high school except for two people. They are two old friends who are now engaged, and super religous, which is not my style at all... still very kind people, so I do enjoy their company once in awhile... Day to day, i mainly go to work (barista, LOVE my job), and come home and just chill out with my guitar, my camera or computer. This is my normal day to day feelings...

You remind me of a friend I have. He's been a bit of a loner for the last three years or so. I just started hanging with him about a week ago. I was just talking to him about how guys like us (me too) can be a bit too strong for our own good and learn how miserable we can really make ourselves when we go at it.

This is an example of an "emotional trigger" that has recently triggered intense feelings of loneliness, a lack of connection among others, awkwardness, and sadness (due to the other feelings):

In September, an aquantance/friend was in a horrific accident while attending a concert with me and other people from across the country, who we all know through the band message board. After the concert, my friend fell six stories from our hotel balcony, nearly killing him. He lived, but was in ICU for over a month with a traumatic brain injury, broken pelvis, fractured hip, fractured spine, broken ribs, and a bunch of other stuff. he has since been moved to another floor and is recovering nicely... I live here in the city he is being treated, and have been at his bedside a lot, helping him and his family anyway I can (his parents are even living with my family until he can be moved closer to home). Due to the TBI, he and I "bonded" a lot because I spent so much time here at the hospital... he said a lot of things, including telling me he loved me, had loved me, told me he wanted me there.. even telling his parents he loved me. He puckered his lips when I came in for a kiss (did this with a lot of the nurses too... TBI related, not sure why...). All of this... nearly losing him and then hearing these things brought a flood of good emotions to me, many of which I hadn't felt in YEARS since my first (and only) love had said them to me. As he awoke more and more from the TBI, I realized that he had had me confused with his dear friend, who had also been taking care of him... and that the feelings where all confusion due to the TBI.

That's rough. I hope you know though that no one survives romance without a couple misadventures even if they're not often as extreme as yours.

Previous to this accident, he had invited me down to spend a holiday with him and his friends, which I did, instead of spending it alone. He was wonderfully nice to me, and we talked a lot ever since, so these were not feelings that developed only in the hospital (on my part). It was after the holiday that he began chasing after this other girl.... needless to say, my heart was a bit broken, and it is still a bit sore whenever the three of us are in the hospital room together. It is obvious that he loves her still, so it still stings a bit.

It feels how it feels. At least you're honest with yourself about it.

All in all, here are some things I have noticed about myself and relationships that bother me...

*I have a ton of empathy for people (like my friend in the hospital), but cannot seem to build a strong relationship beyond this.

Empathy and rapport are not nearly as related as one might think. As a matter of fact, sociopaths and narcissists are known for their knack for building rapport.

*I tend not to "like" men until I find out they "like" me... I usually end up crushing on them then, but not before and I don't know why. I think it has something to do with loving the affection and love (not necessarily them) that I don't usually have in my life.

Pretty much everyone wants to feel loved. There's really nothing unusual about you in that respect. And sometimes being in a relationship is just the healthy thing to do.

*I feel very little emotional attachment to the people closest to me- including my parents and sister. Even when I was away at college, I had no real desire to go home or see them, or anyone else.

I'm like that too but I'm always glad for it when I do make the time to catch up.

*I'm "that" girl who people "can't understand" how I'm single because I am so "kind". I am also not butt ugly so I know that is not it... (No, I don't judge on looks...)

Well, you sound pretty cool to me. I know one girl I used to have a crush on who actually got my attention by roping me into volunteering for something. A lot of us guys like a girl who doesn't think she's the center of the universe.

*I feel like I am drifting through life, waiting for time to just pass. I thrive on adrenaline (i love skydiving, storm chasing...).

I'm a kung fu junky and traceur. Nothing wrong with liking a little excitement every now and then.

I guess that is it. I guess I'm trying to find out why I feel so alianated from humanity and can't seem to feel the deep connection with anyone.

Thanks for letting me ramble... like I said, not quite sure why I'm here, but I'm ready to start searching for something... just not 100% sure what it is...

Well hey, I hope you find it.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I understand where you are coming from. I don't feel a strong attachment to anyone, except my mother and my grandfather. My brother somewhat, and maybe a couple of people I work with to some extent. I feel like I could be fine by myself, though. What scares me the most is I would actually become addicted to solitude. Sure, I don't mind being around people sometimes, but too much interaction with people leaves me feeling stressed and drained.

I really don't usually feel lonely, however, but sometimes I do. I don't have many friends, and I don't feel the need for a relationship at any time in the near future. I don't seek out friends or relationships, because it would cut into my alone time, and I really can't have that. Maybe you're just wired differently than most people. I know I am. But I don't let it cause me pain. I have plenty to do with my time and it would take lifetimes to accomplish what I wish to accomplish on my own or with others, so it's not like I'm bored or thinking about loneliness all the time.

Find a hobby or two to get yourself doing something, either alone or with others. Do what you love to do, and see how you feel. Accept yourself for who you are, then resolve to improve.

[Old Garrick]

I really don't usually feel lonely, however, but sometimes I do. I don't have many friends, and I don't feel the need for a relationship at any time in the near future. I don't seek out friends or relationships,

It's funny but I think of loneliness as a survival mechanism. People are social animals and almost always do better together than separately. Without a need for association with others, we might not be driven to make potentially useful alliances. Not that it doesn't have its downsides.

I don't think I really emphasized it but I'm a bit like you guys too. I don't really miss people, I don't really fuss or whinge even when people die. On the flipside, I'm a lot happier when I make time to be with other people. I saw Machete with a buddy the other day, I'm having dinner with my sister tonight, I just met a dude who wants someone to practice sambo (not samba. Sambo.) with who I'm pencilling in for Sunday. I'm thinking of doing a lot of other things with a lot of other people because the really great thing about having a personality it the way it affects and interacts with others.

Being alone has its advantages. Being with others does too. Just for the hell of it, here's a link to my favorite blog. It may seem like an overflowing fount of madness but I guarantee there are some nice insights if you poke around a bit.

[rei]

Originally Posted by behindthelens

All in all, here are some things I have noticed about myself and relationships that bother me...

*I have a ton of empathy for people (like my friend in the hospital), but cannot seem to build a strong relationship beyond this.

*I tend not to "like" men until I find out they "like" me... I usually end up crushing on them then, but not before and I don't know why. I think it has something to do with loving the affection and love (not necessarily them) that I don't usually have in my life.

*I feel very little emotional attachment to the people closest to me- including my parents and sister. Even when I was away at college, I had no real desire to go home or see them, or anyone else.

*I'm "that" girl who people "can't understand" how I'm single because I am so "kind". I am also not butt ugly so I know that is not it... (No, I don't judge on looks...)

*I feel like I am drifting through life, waiting for time to just pass. I thrive on adrenaline (i love skydiving, storm chasing...).

I guess that is it. I guess I'm trying to find out why I feel so alianated from humanity and can't seem to feel the deep connection with anyone.

Thanks for letting me ramble... like I said, not quite sure why I'm here, but I'm ready to start searching for something... just not 100% sure what it is...

You are so self-aware that you are able to see these things, and you are so intelligent/insightful/reflective that you assign negative meaning to them.

There might be some stuff happening around suppression and around trusting others.

But.

American/Western culture is rampant with less-than-perfect patterns of trusting others, and massive conditioning that leads to suppression of momentary emotion (so then you may need some kind of highly stimulating excitement to pull up your emotional experience).

This stuff isn't necessarily any "worse" for you than it is for many other people. You may just be paying more attention to yourself than others seem to pay to themselves. Or you may just be noticing something that others notice in themselves in spurts but since you're living inside your skin, privy to all your thoughts and feelings, while not privy to the same range of others' internal experiences, it may feel like some kind of extra 'issue' here. (Maybe it is... I can't say for certain one way or the other, but I know that issues around trusting others to be there if we open up emotionally and issues around opening up emotionally are very common in Western culture especially in America with the effects of the Puritan values.)

(If you're anything like me it can help in the long run to realize my "issues" are not entirely "worse" than those of many other people. Pathologizing ourselves doesn't seem to work as well in feeling 'regular' and healthy.)

I imagine there is some kind of decision you internalized around safety, maybe emotional safety. Maybe you didn't grow up around consistent examples of emotional display = okay and appropriate even if it means you feel vulnerable. Maybe you grew up in a White, Anglo-Saxon Protestant culture of the stiff upper lip. (Common pattern...) Maybe your father figure thought women were big balls of crazy emotion and his judgment rubbed off on you.

Are you trying to figure out "what is wrong with you"? Or are you trying to do something about it? If the former, maybe some kind of counseling or coaching could help... and if the latter, maybe it boils down to consciously pushing your emotional self out there with other people. Creating that sense of closeness, even if it starts out feeling artificial because you make it happen.

In other words, if you don't currently automatically feel that closeness - that does not mean you are doomed to exist without it. You can create it on purpose, and after some time doing so you'll feel more connected with people by default. And the process of pushing yourself to be open, emotionally, with others could - as it leads to experiences where that openness is rewarding instead of confirming subconscious fears about trusting - also bring up and out more of your emotive self and help you feel more of your emotional vitality. Even when you're not skydiving. (Cool hobby, btw.)