how do women get over a break up?

[Bricona]

I'm just wondering how women do it. How do women get over a break up?

[st33med]

Originally Posted by Bricona

I'm just wondering how women do it. How do women get over a break up?

Same thing as any person does, I believe. They cry with grief and remember the best parts that are now gone. That's the best way to get over a break up, IMO.

[180]

There were some articles a few months ago circulating about research being done with breakups. Men have a harder time dealing with breakups than women. Men take breakups more badly and women initate breakups more often.

For the women I knew who took it badly they got pretty messed up. They resorted to semi-sucidal thoughts, got depressed, act gallons of ice cream, found new boyfriends etc. But for the most part they aren't as attached as men and can let go easier.

[Kishka]

Originally Posted by 180

But for the most part they aren't as attached as men and can let go easier.

I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it. The truth is that each person is different, they are individuals, not a cookie-cutter set of characteristics. Learn to get to know people as unique individuals and not generalized categories.

[Indiana]

They watch a lot of bad romantic comedies, eat icecream by the tub, cry to their friends and get a regrettable haircut.

[votoshka]

Cry a lot

Umm 180 geez you have some misogynistic feelings there! Not sure WHY you think women don't get as attached as men?? I think there are just as many men who aren't as attached as there are women!

[Mounds]

Originally Posted by Kishka

I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it.

At some point, you'll just stop saying it and keep thinking it.

[anusha]

yea every individual is different, as for me..i'd think about it over night, let it all out alone or to a close friend, get over it.. and sleep.

[Rezzy7]

Every woman I have known always had another man pursuing her soon after she broke up, and tended to get into a new relationship sooner than men. (but that is only my limited sample).

I can't say for sure since I'm not a woman, but it seems to me that aside from the crying, ice cream, girlfriends, or whatever else, being approached by a new hopeful suitor...for no other reason than she's there and attractive in someway... helps.

Originally Posted by Kishka

Learn to get to know people as unique individuals and not generalized categories.

Originally Posted by votoshka

Umm 180 geez you have some misogynistic feelings there! Not sure WHY you think women don't get as attached as men?? I think there are just as many men who aren't as attached as there are women!

I think 180 was speaking of what was in the research and his own experience, not making a blanket statement about everybody, right?

Yeah I think there would be just as many men as women who don't get so attached. I wouldn't now the actual breakdown tho.

[Curtis2011]

I think women tend to get over breakups much faster because they are generally the ones being pursued.

Not only that, but any attractive girl who becomes single has every guy she knows that's interested in her suddenly come out of the woodworks and start hitting on her more, or asking her to hang out, etc. At least this is what I've heard from my girl friends as well as having seen some of it with my own eyes.

So, women get over it faster - or at least start dating someone new faster - because they generally always have more options than men do. Very few men are actually pursued by women.


Meanwhile, unless the man is rich, famous, or has some sort of status (boss of the company, etc), he usually has nobody at all pursuing him after a break up.

This is why men take it harder: they simply have less options and also a much harder time finding a new mate.

[starlequin]

Originally Posted by Bricona

I'm just wondering how women do it. How do women get over a break up?

I burn or trash everything associated with the ex or relationship. I cut off direct contact with the ex. At least for an extended period of time. Then I live a happy and fulfilling life as a single woman.

[votoshka]

There seems to be this all pervasive idea that women, in general, are always being pursued by men. I agree that some women probably are, but let's be realistic and understand that NOT all women are super hot and attractive. There are plenty of "average" and even "below average" women as far as looks are concerned, and I'm pretty sure that most of these women aren't "hotly pursued" whenever they're single .

That being said, I have seen plenty of gorgeous guys who wouldn't have to go a single night without female company unless they wanted to be left alone! I'm fairly sure these guys wouldn't have to wait long before they found themselves another girlfriend!

[aelle]

Yup, each individual is different, and each breakup is different too. As for me, I have, for different men:
- drunk a lot and smoked a lot of drugs,
- had a rebound relationship
- moped and obsessed over him for way too long (um... over a year. For that guy, way too long) and gotten kind of stalkerish
- kissed him goodbye, gotten on a plane and felt nothing but joy for the memories past
- spent the night up with him discussing the ins and outs of the breakup, cried a lot together, laughed a lot together, and left exhausted but friends.

I've never done the eat junk food, watch bad shows and ***** with a friend thing. Although I've done this to get over other kinds of dissappointments...

[SlicK]

Meanwhile, unless the man is rich, famous, or has some sort of status (boss of the company, etc), he usually has nobody at all pursuing him after a break up.

Whaaaaat? Not true

[lifetimelearner]

wow looks like this is turning into a male/female he said she said

I think that it boils down to how emotionally stable that a person is


I have seen both men and women try to kill themselves over the loss of someone
and I have seen people turn to alcohol and drugs or food or other things

but it's not male vs female guys we all hurt -well if we are emotionally healthy anyway

[Medea33]

Go to the gym a lot, watch a load of comedies and stand-up DVDs, cry a little, talk a little. Clean a lot. Cycle through feelings that have me wanting to throw up constantly. Avoid rebound relationships. Eat extra chocolate. Keep doing it until one day I realize I actually feel better, that the world is finally a little shinier and so am I.

I read somewhere that it takes four months for every year together to fully get over a relationship. It may have been junk science, but it felt right when I read it and I've since found it a reassuring timeline.

[samz]

Women tend to go to their friends, cry out all there sympathy, unlike men, we tend to suffer by ourselves, we don't normally have that in depth emotional as the women, obivously we talk to our friend as such, the women that i know from my view tend to grab all their friends.

However everyone different in emotional ways.

[NDN Scholar]

Originally Posted by Indiana

They watch a lot of bad romantic comedies, eat icecream by the tub, cry to their friends and get a regrettable haircut.

Lol. I wish someone told me this a couple years ago. The humour behind the truth makes me feel nice right now, but back then it would have been very good medicine.

Especially the haircut part.

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by Indiana

They watch a lot of bad romantic comedies, eat icecream by the tub, cry to their friends and get a regrettable haircut.

We do? Funny, I've never done any of these things.

I do a purge. I not only toss everything connected to my ex, but clean out closets and cupboards, deep-clean the kitchen and bathroom, and donate loads of stuff--especially clothes and bedding--to Goodwill. If he had a favorite coffee mug, or a pillow he used all the time, or a particular CD we used to listen to a lot, out it goes.

I repaint, move the furniture around, and sometimes get rid of or replace furniture that has strong associations with my ex. I buy new clothes, new sheets, new towels.

I also delete all emails, chat logs, and photos. Seriously--I don't f*** around. Carthago delenda est, baby. And it doesn't matter which one of us initiated the breakup; I do the same thing every time.

For a long time I thought I was weird--after all, every stupid bit of pop culture crap out there tells me I should be eating ice cream while watching romantic comedies, and crying on the phone to my girlfriends. But that just sounds so dreary to me.

Finally I realized that in the process of clearing out all traces of the relationship from my physical environment, I'm also clearing out my head, too. In the first week or so, I'm usually too exhausted from cleaning and moving stuff around and painting and sorting stuff to get rid of to mope. But once it's done I don't come home to reminders, or keep coming across mementos that keep me hooked to the past. It's a "clean break" in the most literal sense, and it works very well for me.

[SlicK]

MagicalRealist... you're goOOoooD!

[st33med]

Originally Posted by aelle

- kissed him goodbye, gotten on a plane and felt nothing but joy for the memories past
- spent the night up with him discussing the ins and outs of the breakup, cried a lot together, laughed a lot together, and left exhausted but friends.

Those sound wonderful aelle. That last one especially. There are wonderful times with grieving, but spending time with your recent ex and looking at past moments sound very nice. Like discussing about an adventure with each other and understanding it's best to end the adventure now.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by MagicalRealist

We do? Funny, I've never done any of these things.

It was a joke. I just said the most stereotypical things film and TV tells us. We need an irony icon, obvs.

Personally, I'm still friends with virtually all my exes, so the burn-and-delete strategy doesn't tend to work so good there. The ones I'm not friends with (and did use the burn-and-delete strategy for), I never wanted to see again after the breakup, so I didn't spend a bunch of time mourning them.

[st33med]

Irony icons = or

[180]

Originally Posted by Kishka

I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it. The truth is that each person is different, they are individuals, not a cookie-cutter set of characteristics. Learn to get to know people as unique individuals and not generalized categories.

"Several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxiety after breakups than women do. Men might like to come across as being tougher than overcooked steak after a breakup, but the truth is that they're actually more the consistency of jelly."

Read more: http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/coping_with_a_breakup/index.php#ixzz15xf4ACtd"

Another article:

"And, in an unexpected plot twist, the study, which surveyed 1,611 men and women age 18 to 23 in the Miami area, found that thorny relationships take a far greater toll on men"

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/fa...25Studied.html

Sometimes we're special little flowers sometimes we're the same. you say you can't make generalizations but that in itself is maladaptive and inconsistent with reality.

Is it generalizing if I say more black people play basketball" Is it generalizing to say that Mexicans love mariachi more than the rest of the world? Is it generalizing to say black people more often live in ghettos and like rap more than white people? Or that Asians love to rice out their cars with flashing lights?

Yes it is generalizing it is. But just because it is a generalization doesn't make it invalid or less truthful. You can have a prejudice, and although it has a negative connotation, it can still be true.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by samz

Women tend to go to their friends, cry out all there sympathy, unlike men, we tend to suffer by ourselves, we don't normally have that in depth emotional as the women, obivously we talk to our friend as such, the women that i know from my view tend to grab all their friends.

However everyone different in emotional ways.

That's really just stereotyping... as a woman I've never, ever gone to my friends and cried to them. I am too private for that, and tend to keep it to myself. I'll cry in private thanks!

I think it's a mistake to think all "women" do one thing and "men" do another. We all have different ways of dealing with things like breakups!

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by 180

Yes it is generalizing it is. But just because it is a generalization doesn't make it invalid or less truthful. You can have a prejudice, and although it has a negative connotation, it can still be true.

Generalisations can be *generally* true but the problem is that its validity really only applies retrospectively and as a kind of average. You can't necessarily say that because black people have traditionally liked rap in greater numbers than white people, that the same will remain true in the future (so it does not have much predictive power). In fact, this generalisation is probably no longer even true, or if it is, the difference would be quite marginal.

It also doesn't (as we see here) have much predictive power when it comes to individuals. The problem I have with threads like we see here all the time (What do ???'s prefer in a ???) is that they seem to be crowd-sourcing generalisations in the hope of applying them to an individual who baffles them. This is obviously a faulty way to approach things. To put it another way, if you're stumped about whether to get your black brother-in-law a rap CD for Christmas or not, the most effective way to find out what he wants is to find out what HE wants. Not to ask a bunch of random people (or a statistics table) whether they think your brother-in-law might like a rap CD for Christmas because he's black.

[180]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Generalisations can be *generally* true but the problem is that it's validity really only replies retrospectively and as a kind of average. You can't necessarily say that because black people have traditionally liked rap in greater numbers than white people, that the same will remain true in the future (so it does not have much predictive power). In fact, this generalisation is probably no longer even true, or if it is, the difference would be quite marginal.

It also doesn't (as we see here) have much predictive power when it comes to individuals. The problem I have with threads like we see here all the time (What do ???'s prefer in a ???) is that they seem to be crowd-sourcing generalisations in the hope of applying them to an individual who baffles them. This is obviously a faulty way to approach things. To put it another way, if you're stumped about whether to get your black brother-in-law a rap CD for Christmas or not, the most effective way to find out what he wants is to find out what HE wants. Not to ask a bunch of random people (or a statistics table) whether they think your brother-in-law might like a rap CD for Christmas because he's black.

You have a point that as a reliable predicator, generalizations do not ALWAYS work. I wouldn't, for the life of me, presume that just because I have a meeting with a black guy tomorrow, that he likes rap. Or that if I'm eating lunch tomorrow with an Indian, we're going to have curry. The percentage accuracy of those stereotypes are low.

As a justification to explain past behavior they have seen, you're right. Retrospective view is inaccurate sometimes. However, in some cases it can be right. They are helpful indicators GIVEN that the stereotype has an element of truth. The error is in the type of THAT particular stereotype, not stereotyping itself. For example, some people have unbelievable unreliable stereotypes. Like Muslims are terrorists. That's inaccurate because most Muslims are not terrorists. But if I met someone for the first time, and my friend tells me that this person has eaten a dog. I could most likely assume that he is Korean, or from a culture that accepts dog eating. I would most likely not assume that he's from the Midwest Christian belt area of USA where that would be "absolutely heinous".

For example, if you meet a man from Germany and you show up late to a meeting, he goes BALLISTIC on you. You have no idea why. Well the reason is German culture is very punctual and strict. It explains his behavior. Much like racial prejudice SOME are accurate to a degree, somewhat because of the cultural implications. For men and women... they also have their own "cultures" (but I tend to believe in the biological differences of men and women... not the "cultural" learned aspect)

Most scientific research points to innate mental and biological differences that account for behavior differences in men and women. These are evolved biological mechanisms. (ie. Testosterone and Estrogen) Men NEED to ensure that they have secured their biological progeny to continue. Unlike a woman... a man is unsure if a child is his so he needs to make sure whatever woman he is with, has sired his child and ensured his continuation. How can he ensure this? His body creates depression and pain that forces and pushes him to have a baby with a woman. Women ALWAYS know their baby is theirs (eggs don't sneak into her womb). So she doesn't develop the same urgency over a breakup. And because women are more "valuable" (they can ovulate only a fixed number of time and duration for their lifetime) in the past, they mostly do not have to worry about finding a man. Men will find them. So she doesn't need the same evolutionary mechanisms as a man.

That's at least one of the theories of why men and women have different breakup feelings. Most men I know when they breakup need to have sex with someone else almost ASAP. If they don't have another girl lined up they feel anxious and a serious need to replace the lost girl. They also constantly think about her, have stalkerish tendencies and follow her. MOST stalkers are men, I forgot where I saw the %'s but it was a huge imbalance. Any period of singleness makes them feel bad. But the huge majority of women I know move on fast to another man. Takes almost no time at all after their breakup period.

[ginkgo]

With mature love it would be no problem. With immature love there can be different degrees of problem. They need to become more mature, personally developed or more spiritually aware. They need to find happiness that is not conditional.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by 180

That's at least one of the theories of why men and women have different breakup feelings. Most men I know when they breakup need to have sex with someone else almost ASAP. If they don't have another girl lined up they feel anxious and a serious need to replace the lost girl. They also constantly think about her, have stalkerish tendencies and follow her. MOST stalkers are men, I forgot where I saw the %'s but it was a huge imbalance. Any period of singleness makes them feel bad. But the huge majority of women I know move on fast to another man. Takes almost no time at all after their breakup period.

Again you have the assumption that ALL women are being sought out by men, and this is simply not true. There are a LOT of women who do not find it easy to attract a mate, and who, when they're out of a relationship will be very depressed etc. etc. because they don't find it easy to attract a mate, and they don't have a couple of guys lined up just waiting for the opportunity to date them!

Besides which, I know plenty of women who ARE attractive, and who still don't always have boyfriends, and don't always have a guy after them...

[MagicalRealist]

Originally Posted by Indiana

It was a joke. I just said the most stereotypical things film and TV tells us. We need an irony icon, obvs.

Ah, okay!

Personally, I'm still friends with virtually all my exes, so the burn-and-delete strategy doesn't tend to work so good there.

The weird thing is, I am too. And I think it's because during the burn-and-delete phase I also let go of whatever anger I had toward them, accept my own part in it, and make peace with the entire matter.

Inevitably, I know I'm going to run into my latest ex out in public or at a party. But after my first "Whoa--he's here!" reaction wears off I'm okay with it. I think I have a really easy time starting over as friends a few months after the breakup because I'm not hauling any leftover romantic-relationship baggage into the friendship. Whatever hurt or anger might have been there at the breakup was burned off long ago. And yeah, my method for burning it off is kind of extreme, but since I'm kind of an extreme personality it works really well for me.