My Daughter is driving me insane

[Mitalp]

I'm a very laid back, passive person. Happy most of the time, I don't give mind to the bumps in the road in this journey called life. I've very much into personal development and spirituality and am very passive. So the problem I'm having is with my niece. Let me give you a little background. My cousin past away a few years back and left beind three girls, who are now 22, 19 and 17, their father is a drunk and unable to take care of them. They're living with an uncle of theirs, but they all really hate it there because they don't feel like they're wanted there. Me and my 17 year old niece became very close over the past year and have developed a father daughter relationship as well as being best friends. She's absolutely amazing and I want to do everything I can to make her happy. I'm working on buying a house and having the three of them move in with me.

From last summer til about december, I was doing a great job with her. I had her practicing personal development techniques, she was becoming so postive, she used visualization to get rid of her life long asthma. Everything was going great, she was happy and always full of energy and very positive.

I guess it all started after I went away for a month. In december, I went to India for a month. When I left I had complete confidence that she'd be able to take care of herself and keep herself happy. I've been trying to teach her that her happiness is independant of anything else. Every since I got back, it's been so horrible!

She spends most of her time crying and thinking about suicide. She makes the biggest deal out of the littlest things, like kids do and has been seeing only the negative side of things. I don't know what happend! She dosen't want to practice any of the personal development techniques anymore, she has no motivation for change. She crys everyday, for things that are not serious at all and then she truns around and blames me for ruining her day. When i try to explain to her that she has the choice of how see wants to, positively or negatively, she beats herself up over it. Saying things like "All i ever do it hurt people," she realizes how selfish she is sometime and instead of trying to fix it, she recognizes it and beat herself up over it.

I really don't know what to do anymore, last week it got to the point where I was throwing up because she stressed me out so much. And all of it just such a waste of energy and I don't want to feel like that anymore, but I don't want to give up on her, I can't and I won't. Any advise will be greatly appreciated!

Mital

[Brad Isaac]

Mital, My thoughts are with you.

My first impression by what you wrote is something bad may have happened while you were away. This may or may not be something she can tell you. It could be she suffered from panic or felt abandoned - that is typical of teens who have had alcoholic / absentee parents.

Or it could have been something outside of her. Perhaps an inappropriate advance from a neighbor or someone she respected.

Is there someone else she trusts who might be able to facilitate? Maybe a counselor or teacher? Also, reinforcing that you are there for her and not ever going to leave is important. It's important for her to understand the difference between you leaving town for a short while and leaving her life forever.

As she is still a teenager, realize she might be punishing you for leaving by behaving in this way. I am not saying she is doing that, but there is a chance she is.

Hang in there

[Michelle]

Forget personal development and get the suicidal teenager some real help for goodness sake. She has been hurt in the worst way over and over and no amount of good will on either of your parts can heal that.

[Rin]

She sounds depressed to me, it happens a lot at her age, and furthermore it seems that she's been through a lot in her young life. Do you think she might be angry with you for "leaving" her (which many kids view as abandonment) for a month? I would say so. Seventeen is still more of a child than an adult, in many ways, and kids are not good at articulating or even recognising their own feelings. You really need to get to the bottom of this. Get professional help, for both your sakes.

[DiscoDan]

Originally Posted by Mitalp

From last summer til about december, I was doing a great job with her. I had her practicing personal development techniques, she was becoming so postive, she used visualization to get rid of her life long asthma. Everything was going great, she was happy and always full of energy and very positive.

One thing about asthma is that it can go away for a while, then come back randomly when it feels like it. I know for me personally that when my asthma acts up, I tend to feel very tired and depressed. Perhaps her asthma is acting up again?

She spends most of her time crying and thinking about suicide. She makes the biggest deal out of the littlest things, like kids do and has been seeing only the negative side of things. I don't know what happend! She dosen't want to practice any of the personal development techniques anymore, she has no motivation for change. She crys everyday, for things that are not serious at all and then she truns around and blames me for ruining her day. When i try to explain to her that she has the choice of how see wants to, positively or negatively, she beats herself up over it. Saying things like "All i ever do it hurt people," she realizes how selfish she is sometime and instead of trying to fix it, she recognizes it and beat herself up over it.

Sometimes when people are depressed, they'd much rather have somebody there just to listen to what they have to say rather than tell them how to get better. Have you tried just sitting down and listening to her? This makes a big difference - but be sure to just listen for now (save your advice for some other time). Make sure she knows that you care about her no matter what, and when she says things like "all I ever do is hurt people," make sure you make it known that that's not true. Be strong about this.

Good luck

[starlet]

Just sit down and LISTEN. I was a very depressed teenage girl, I attempted suicide multiple times and ended up having a mental breakdown as an adult. All I ever wanted was someone to sit down and listen to me. I did not want advice, I wanted someone to shut it and focus on what I had to say. Do not push her, do not offer advice unless specifically asked and do let her know you are ALWAYS there for her when she needs to talk. And let go. You are driving her away by insisting she continue her exercises.

Also, a note here - when I first began visualizing, I was doing great, then hit a road block about four months in and had SEVERE depression, crying and feeling like nothing had changed. But soon I was up and running again and felt like I had gone from a Yugo to a Maserati in a day. It is possible she may have unearthed a really nasty limiting belief that has come to the surface. If this is true, she has to deal with it in her own way.

[shesaboutspirit]

I hope you will hear these folks and the advice to get outside help. I know that I always try to figure things out myself for way too long, and when it comes to our kids...we owe them the best support system we can find.

The most effective assistance I've found is taking my son to a therapist who uses EMDR. It's a technique that has had astounding relief even for people suffering from post traumatic stress of war, natural disasters and all things emotional. My favorite part is that it's a pretty quick treatment and not one that goes on and on. You can witness the healing very quickly. You may already know of this one.

If the young woman is talking about how she always hurts people...either way, if she's projecting onto herself or others...still, she needs some relief from that pain.

Maybe what we can do is support you, and offer prayers so that you can do what's needed and also take care of yourself. You've taken on a big responsibility. One last thing that I hesitate to mention? You say that you two have become "best friends". I have to say that's a big red flag for me. Maybe I'm projecting...because of my own history...There are many problems that can occur with that dynamic however. A good thing to discuss with a professional perhaps.

Kids need to know who's in charge and that they are safe, that's the main thing. They need a parent to be a parent, first and foremost who also knows when to step back to avoid becoming enmeshed with them. You haven't had the previous 17 years with her to learn this and are getting a sort of crash course perhaps.

I wish you the best with all of this and hope you continue to take care of yourself as well.

Pam

[Dharma]

She's expressing what you're not. You need to get into your emotional body now and experience your emotions fully.

[munish]

Have you read the book, Feel the fear and do it anyway.-by Suzan Jeffers.

SP Also recommends this.

[bert eats dirt]

1) Get her checked out by a doctor for clinical depression. I'm not a doctor, but crying constantly and thinking about suicide are pretty serious symptoms, you should take her to a medical expert.

2) I agree with everyone else here about just listening. I read a book about the differences between men and women, and it said that when women "unload" on you they usually just want you to listen, they don't want you to give advice. Unfortunately most men when they're being unloaded on feel that they're being asked to give advice ;-) Talking about personal development stuff to her hasn't helped her get better, so try something new. Just sit quietly and listen to her.