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11-08-2010, 05:00 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 13
 |  Man-woman friendship tips
Hi! I firmly believe man-woman friendship exists, but I have many doubts how to manage this friendship without misunderstandings...Many a time I was told by girls I really really saw as friends: 'You're a nice guy, but...let's just be friends'. When I reply that was exactly what I meant they're not convinced... Maybe I am too flirtatious (or to obsessive...  ), but on the other hand I don't want to be boring...How do you manage your man-woman friendships? Thanks a lot, MC. |
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11-08-2010, 06:09 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 377
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Bleurgh. I've been caught by this one loads of times. Men-friends, again bleurgh. My oldest friend is a man, but that's because we grew up together. I think you've either got to have been friends for years and got over the "does he fancy me?" awkwardness or have boundaries in place straight away, usually by atleast one party having a bf/gf.
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11-08-2010, 06:47 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 12,690
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The way in which I've gone from being friendzoned lots of times to not being friendzoned at all is to release my attachment to the need to make her like me. The friendzone is a man's creation...that is, we, as men, create it with our expectations. No woman ever purposefully sets out to friendzone you. Women aren't sitting back evilly laughing saying "Haha! I trapped another emotional tampon! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" (ok, maybe some of them do that, i dunno  )You create your own friendzone. Then you put yourself there with your expectations. Nowadays, I have several female friends that I am sexually attracted to, but I do not consider myself friendzoned because I haven't "fallen" for any of them. And I've been able to do that be letting go of the expectation of taking any one of them and making a relationship out of it. I cast my focus out on other women and go after what I want when I'm attracted to a woman. The ones I've reserved as friends, I keep as friends. If one of them would choose to have sex with me, I'd probably do it, but I'm not attached to that notion or specifically looking for that from them. I maintain my friendship with them for other reasons, and I truly enjoy their company. |
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11-08-2010, 06:48 PM
| #4 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: England
Posts: 301
| Quote:
Alison | |
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11-08-2010, 10:28 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,950
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Lol! Men and women as friends, good one!  In my experience, the only way a man can be "just friends" with a woman, is if he is already getting his, *ahem*, "supply" of sex from another woman. If he is, there is a decent chance he will be content with it, and not seek it from other women. In my own life, looking back on my last long-term relationship, I am astounded that during that time I had almost no desire to have sex with other girls at all. There was one issue that I had with an ex-girlfriend but only because I had been heavily weighing the pros and cons of my ex with my current girlfriend, but it wasn't just about sex. So, yes, a man who is taken can be just friends with any number of women. A man who is single, however, probably not. (Because as long as he's searchign for a sexual partner, every woman is a potential target. Or at least they are for me....  )Sidenote: There have been a few girls over the past few years that I genuinely have only wanted to be friends with, but mostly because they weren't very attractive. But since I am a nice guy, I act nicely towards them anyways, and then they end up thinking I am interested in them, and they try to pursue me! This has happened a couple of times actually. So I think I have had a small sample of what it's like to be the one putting someone else in the friend zone. And yes, them pursuing me then me turning them down pretty much always led to the immediate end of the friendship anyways. Last edited by Curtis2011; 11-08-2010 at 10:30 PM. | |
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11-08-2010, 11:16 PM
| #6 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: The North
Posts: 878
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11-09-2010, 12:49 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,950
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Yes but answer honestly: If they threw themselves at you at told you they wanted to have sex immediately because they have fantasized about you since the day they met you, would you still say "lets just be friends?" Cmon man, we are both men here. You know as well as I do that 98% of all men would willingly have sex with any reasonably attractive woman IF she came right out and said that she wanted it. The only real exceptions are men that are taken and faithful to their partner, or men who some religious beliefs hold back. And generally men with religious beliefs would still take such an opportunity, but in real life they just don't get many opportunities to take advantage of anyways. The reality is most men are always looking for more sex unless they already are getting it from someone. Obviously if you have a friendship where you know she isn't interested, then you can leave it as a friendship and just enjoy her company and let bygones be bygones. But again, if SHE wanted YOU, would it really still just be a friendship? I think not. (I have plenty of female friends as well, but if they came right out and said they were attracted to me or made a move on me, heck I would take that opportunity in a heartbeat, even though we are clearly "just friends") | |
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11-09-2010, 01:05 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1
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It can be really frustrating. I don't have any close male friends because there seem to ALWAYS be misunderstandings, and I'm not an extremely outspoken person, so I always wait till it's too late to set things straight. My fault, I know, but sexual misunderstandings are also an inherent part of male-female dynamics, I think. It would be lovely if I weren't shy and could speak right up and say "We're only going to be friends; no sex now or ever, ok?" Maybe you could do that  |
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11-09-2010, 06:21 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Windsor Ontario Canada
Posts: 1,115
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I think that when a woman says let be friends they are saying let not be friends because I say great I would like to be friends. Friends spent time together but when I try to spend time with my new friend she dose not have time for me. I was so repress sexually I would think that you become friends first and down the road you might become sexual but it never did because I did not know how to read the signs or felt bad about flirting. I dose sound logical that you start as friends and then become sexual but I find now that if you let yourself feel the sexual feeling and pursue a lady and she starts to feel the same she more inclined to be your friend  Scott |
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11-09-2010, 07:51 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Europe
Posts: 31
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Interesting subject...especially since I just confronted this last night. First of all, I am female, just to clear that up. I am single, and I am constantly confronted with the problem of liking a man, but not being attracted to him right off, but being attracted to him as a person and enjoying his company. Now in my past, I have known a few who I have had no sexual feelings for, but after knowing him for some time, my feelings changed. Especially since trust is a big part of sexual attraction for me. I think where men make mistakes with women is with the 'rushing the thing' too fast and this can put some women off. Well, speaking for myself, I don't like being 'jumped'. I like to at least know a guy a bit. Unfortunately, I guess this is not too important for guys, except for the few exceptional ones. So in just the past week I have met several men, and have had rather bad experiences with all of them but the one from last night where I decided to be straight up and tell him that I need to be friends for now and that his friendship was really important to me. I asked him if it was ok with him. He said it was. So maybe this is the right approach, to be honest at the onset, before things get jumbled up. I really do feel that in time I might change my mind and feel attraction for him, so I am not lying to him. But for the moment, I do not feel it. I only enjoy his company, laughing, etc. He lost his wife 2 years ago, so he is very lonely. I am divorced for 5 years and am also very lonely. This is ok base for friendship, but maybe not the healthiest base for a relationship anyway. My question to you guys out there is...don't you find anything valuable in knowing women other than sex? I think some of us are quite interesting, ya know? But I am one of those strange women who always thought it was possible to have men friends. Not quite the case. But I hope to get some replies because I find this subject interesting and from both sides it seems none of us know the answer. It's the Harry meets Sally dilemma. |
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11-09-2010, 07:56 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 61
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Many lesbians will say this to hide their true sexuality. They will say "let's just be friends" because they can not get sexual with you. Do not be upset over something as silly as this. Have you tried making male friends? It is more normal for a man to be friends with other men. |
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11-09-2010, 08:14 AM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Australia
Posts: 2,547
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 No, some women - straight women - JUST want to be friends with a guy. Just. Friends. Why? Because not EVERY woman is going to be into EVERY man. Besides, there is absolutely nothing wrong with men and women being friends with each other! | |
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11-09-2010, 08:25 AM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 61
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Think about it if you reversed the situation and a guy says to a girl "I just want to be friends". He is probably hiding something and you know what I mean. There is maybe a 1% chance that they really want to be actual friends. | |
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11-09-2010, 08:34 AM
| #14 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Australia
Posts: 2,547
| Quote:
And same thing, I'm sure there are many men who would not want to be my boyfriend, or would not be interested in ME sexually. In fact, I would imagine MOST men would feel this way. But what if they liked me as a person? Would they want to be my friend? Quite possibly. Does it make them gay? NO! Some guys also will already BE in a relationship with someone else (a female), which means they won't be interested sexually in another woman, but they may LIKE her as a person and enjoy her company! | |
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11-09-2010, 08:40 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: May 2007 Location: Philadelphia, PA, USA
Posts: 3,747
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I have been best friends with women that were married. The husbands did not mind as long as we did not have sex or sexual contact. One woman I was not attracted to at all. Two I was attracted to but just accepted that they were married. I believe that people can have many soul mates. The story with Debbie is strange. When we first met we were in love with each other, but she had a husband and a child. I asked her why she did not wait for me. She said that she did not know that I was going to meet her. So we just accepted it and became great friends. After that I was not attracted to her. Strangely enough I lived with her, her husband and her child 2 different times when they lived in 2 different places. The 2nd time was when my girlfriend, that I was living with, was not getting along with me. After that my girlfriend and I got married. I met this 17 year old girl, Jen, less than a year ago on Facebook. She has a boyfriend that she is totally in love with. But she became good friends with me. She is extremely deep and intelligent and needs to know one person that is as intelligent as she is. I came and picked her up one time when she was stranded. It is like this. It is good to love your mother, your grandmother and your sister but you do not have sex with them. Last edited by ginkgo; 11-09-2010 at 09:06 AM. |
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11-09-2010, 11:18 AM
| #17 (permalink) | ||
| Banned Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 12,690
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That is, assuming that your interest in her is sexual. Let her know that you are into her in that way almost immediately, and then let her decide if that's what she wants from you or not. Quote:
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11-09-2010, 12:29 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 783
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11-09-2010, 01:17 PM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 12,690
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It's not authentic and you build the whole relationship on a lie when you do that. You build up, in her mind, the idea that you want to be her friend and that you don't want sex from her, so, when she finds out that that isn't true, she's probably going to feel a bit betrayed at one end of the spectrum and annoyed at best. | |
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11-09-2010, 01:20 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 12,690
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I do understand why men do it. (Hell, I used to do it all the time myself.) And this is a clear case where people (both men AND women) perpetuate and create exactly what they DON'T want. Men are their own worst enemies here by supplicating their needs to the woman, thinking that by pretending not to want sex with her that she'll see him as a good guy, and that she'll be attracted to him. Women are their own worst enemies here by going around saying things like "why can't guys want more than sex?" Or by perpetuating the idea that male sexuality is somehow something to be ashamed of. We bring it on ourselves in most cases. And the solution is simple: to move back to authenticity of what our truest desires really are. |
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11-09-2010, 10:55 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |||
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 783
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I'm all for being authentic, but there are a bunch of B.S. games we have to play. | |||
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11-10-2010, 12:33 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: US Pacific Northwest
Posts: 271
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Okay, here's why I usually hang out with men instead of women: the Whiney Women Type makes me want to reload. I'm a high energy woman who would rather be out doing something than sitting somewhere, leaning forward over a Starbuck's table, hashing and rehashing my issues with hushed tones and furrowed brow. Something about pity parties just makes my teeth itch, I don't care how tasty the Chocolate Almond Biscotti is. And yet, the grand majority of the women I have interacted with over the years want to do just that...and regularly. It's their sport, it's how they bond. Just take me now. There seems to be some sort of tacit agreement in the estrogen circles that you are only a real women if you can smoothly launch into a baby voice that croons, "Oh, you POOOOOR thing!" the second another women complains about anything at all. How does this help, exactly? How does reinforcing her one-down position of inferiority and subjugation in the situation help her come out on top? Isn't that rather like saying, "Wow, you're right, everyone's definitely beating you in this race and you are completely screwed." Is that coaching or hamstringing? I think I've got them trained pretty well not to call me with their umpteenth rendition of How My Boyfriend/Husband/Boss Sucks, The World is Not Made for Women, or my personal favorite, Do You Think I Should See a Doctor For This? If they call and start in, I always respond with the same question, "So, how did you solve the problem?" This stumps them eternally. "Wait, you mean, you're not going to come down here to my level and wallow with me? What the--?" Because if both are drowning, neither one can be lifeguard, that's why. The reason I have absolutely no reservations taking this tack is that I know for a fact they did not call me for my opinion or help--they called me to recruit me as a team member. As Official Team Member, I must 1. Agree unreservedly with everything they say, no matter how obsessive, passive-aggressive, or outright scary, 2. Treat all their enemies like mealy worms even if they happen to be respected friends and/or valuable colleagues of mine, and 3. Feel bad for them. Really, really bad. Two pound bag of M&Ms and a liter of Chardonnay bad. Sorry, can't do it. In the past, when I have given my opinion, they've always nodded sagely, said, "Wow, that's a good point, I didn't think of that," and then done precisely the opposite. When I offered my help, they either became suddenly very busy and unable to meet me to take action together or they had a list of excuses ready to fire at me with all the violence and alacrity of an AK-47. So, I'm left with their problem ricocheting around my brain and great plans to solve it but I'm completely immobilized. It's as if they like their problem, have grown emotionally attached to it, and have even gone so far as to match their entire wardrobe to it so that their whole world makes sense as long as the problem is still there. And a few weeks later, they call me up and want to rehash it. The amazing ladies that I now call friends are the most wise, resilient, and multi-talented chicks you've ever met--from surgical nurses to forest rangers, gardeners to artists, psychics to Sous Chefs. When we talk, we tell each other how we triumphed over the forces of darkness, we give verbal and electronic high-fives on a regular basis for each and every successful outcome, and we leave each other the hell alone when we need space to think things out and plan our attack or revenge. And we tell horrible, dirty jokes. Make the dog gag jokes. Good times. If one of my friends is having a tough time, I immediately remind her how freaking amazing/strong/kickass/smart/powerful/hot she is and how much I've learned from her. I get her off the topic that is giving her trouble and get her on a different one that reconnects her with her power. When she feels bigger than her problem, she quickly finds her own solution and gets to take total credit for it in the bargain. I learned how to do this from my guy friends. Is it any wonder that I call the dudes when I want to go hiking? After all, all my dirty jokes came from them.... QB Last edited by Quantum Blue; 11-10-2010 at 12:42 AM. |
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11-10-2010, 01:41 PM
| #25 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Berkeley California
Posts: 235
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she wouldn't even bring it up if you were socially great. Most women will marry a guy that she's friends with. Some women will skip right through the relationship portion and just marry a great friend. So it's hard to believe that it's her fault for bringing it up. | |
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11-10-2010, 02:46 PM
| #26 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Berlin, Germany
Posts: 8,749
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Then there are women that I wouldn't put mentally in a category where there's a chance for a sexual relationship. Putting energy into the pursuit of those woman would be wasted. I also wouldn't want to waste having a fine nonsexual relationship with them. | ||
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