Smalltalk? Yuck.

[Michelle]

It bores me to tears, and I cannot comprehend why people who know each other at all would bother blahblahing about stupid insignificant stuff where there are worlds of miracles, mysteries and philosophies to be explored.

[Calculusaurus]

I had the same viewpoint a while back, but I realized that part of the reason I was engaging in so much small talk was not because of the person I was talking to, but because of myself.

You may think to yourself, "man, I sure wish there were people in this world who actually wanted to engage in meaningful conversation." But so often the person you are talking to is thinking the exact same thing!

So take initiative and almost force a meaningful conversation. Some people will look at you blankly, but others will get really excited and reciprocate.

[Hugh Hollowell]

"There is no small talk, only small talkers"

But more true than you might think.

[RT Wolf]

I find this quotation nice (paraphrased, don't remember the exact quotation):

"Small people talk about people. Average people talk about things. Great people talk about ideas." - Dunno who said this

I almost have to force meaningful conversations at this point. I've really gotta get new friends.

[Wulfen]

Most of the time when you talk, the valuable communication in not in the info you provide, but in the subcommunication.

When you smalltalk a little, say with colleagues at the office that you see everyday, what you are subcommunicating is "we're close. we're buddys. we care a little bit about each other, and that's why we spend some time talking about nothing".

Of course too much smalltalk is wasted time. But other times small talks are only used as the prelude to deeper topics, which would seem too ominous to introduce in the first sentence of conversation.

The utmost example is "Hi", "Hi" provides no informational value at all, but subcommunicates "I acknowledge your presence, because you're important to me". That's why you usually don't say hi to strangers you don't care about.

[ImOpen]

Speak when you have something to say, or your words will become diluted and noone will care.

[Michelle]

These are some great (and fun) thoughts!

In Switzerland it is customary to greet everyone in a room personally if possible. I learned this after having caused a "non-greeting" scandal shortly after moving here.

[Scorpio]

Yeah, small talk has no 'point' and doesn't provide any intellectual take home value. But it can be really fun. You can technically be talking about nothing, but still be having a joking good time with someone. I notice I do this with good friends and girlfriends. It feels nice. You're cementing the relationship. It fulfills that mysterious need to be social for no reason.

[Ibanez]

Small talk does have a point. It shows you aren't socially retarded.

[Michelle]

That is a rather cynical point of view.

The ability to make smalltalk and the will to make smalltalk are two very different things.

[TechnoGuyRob]

I totally agree. However, it is hard to turn onto an important conversation topic when talking to a bear. But, like Steve and Erin said, the most important thing to do is to shift your perspective on reality, and your relationships (including active and mutually empowering communication) will soon become much more fulfilling.

[Ibanez]

Originally Posted by Michelle

That is a rather cynical point of view.

The ability to make smalltalk and the will to make smalltalk are two very different things.

Yeah, well calling small talk "insignificant" is a little cynical too.

[Michelle]

Yes, you are right, because what is insignificant to me may very well be important to another.

It is really insignificant to me though, and mind-numbingly boring.

[Michael Chui]

Did this have to turn into an argument? Keep an open mind, Michelle.

P.S. I think small talk is mind-numbingly boring, too, and I don't engage in it. But it has its place and purpose. Just not for me.

[Radical]

I agree small talk is boring, but since we arn't telepathic it's hard to judge whether or not the other person wants to engage in something more meaningful.

I think people just want to make a connection with other people. Some people lack confidence and find making conversation difficult, so small talk allows them to make some kind of connection, even if it seems boring and meaningless to you.

[KeithHandy]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

"Small people talk about people. Average people talk about things. Great people talk about ideas." - Dunno who said this

I think it depends ... I can think of a lot of things that average people would never talk about.

[Raphael]

I also had this disempowering belief some time ago.

Replace it with the following one:

"Small talking to other people is an exchange of energies. Hence it is very important and powerful, even though not containing any important pieces of information"

[kthdsn]

I feel uncomfortable trying to engage in small talk. I don't talk to the people who I share an office with at work (other than hi and bye), because I have nothing of meaning to say to them. I prefer to entertain thoughts in my mind than talk about nothing.

I don't make many friends this way, but the friends I do make are wonderful people who I can share my ideas with.

I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing... Sorry, I've forgotten what I was going to finish with, a tarantula on tv just freaked me out. Must work on getting over my fear of spiders.

[JJP]

Originally Posted by Raphael

I also had this disempowering belief some time ago.

Replace it with the following one:

"Small talking to other people is an exchange of energies. Hence it is very important and powerful, even though not containing any important pieces of information"

That is deep, I like it. Where did you learn it?

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Raphael

I also had this disempowering belief some time ago.

Replace it with the following one:

"Small talking to other people is an exchange of energies. Hence it is very important and powerful, even though not containing any important pieces of information"

Very nice, and I don't disagree at all. But what if it is negative energy? It seems that small talk may frequently be..

Do you just fight it with positive?

[Raphael]

As long as you enjoy small talking (which should be much easier with this new belief) it's positive energy, yes.

If you're bored and uncomfortable, it will be negative energy, that's right too.
But your dialog partner will recognize this bad energy and lose interest in the conversation.

At least if he can feel the vibe just a little bit (you know these people, that just won't recognize your disinterest and will go on telling their stories for hours).

I think the energy exchange is actually quite obvious (once you're aware of it) and can explain a lot more things which happen in conversations

[tgl]

Originally Posted by Michelle

Yes, you are right, because what is insignificant to me may very well be important to another.

It is really insignificant to me though, and mind-numbingly boring.

What makes it horrible to you?

And your scandal, was it at work or in the community? Did they try to convert you?

It sounds to me like you hate it more because others expect you to do it. If they'd just do it among themselves and leave you out of it, then you'd have less resentment towards it. It's the imposition of small talk upon you that's the problem. Is that right?

[Andy]

The way I look at smalltalk is that it's not much different from thinking, except that you're doing it outloud.

I mean at least for me I usually have some kind of conversation going on in my head about different thoughts, considering things etc. and by bringing another person into that conversation...boom that's when you get smalltalk.

[andrew]

It depends how you define it. I consider small talk boring things liek the weather and hi how are you that's nice blah blah.

But a lot of the times I will just talk about nothing. You just just something stupid like pez dispensers or cereal. But that conversation will be interactive and engaging and entertaining. It will be an experience not just a conversation.

[Michelle]

Yes, tgl - I do have an allergy to the expectation of smalltalk. If people would leave me in peace about it (but it is more the people inside my mind telling me "I should", instead of outside in society) there would be no problem.

It is not about being an anti-social moron or something. It is about how one uses time. If there is nothing but blahblah going on, I begin thinking of all the other things I could be doing at that moment.

I hate the fake feeling I get while trying to speak "smalltalk". It simply isn't the real me.

The greeting scandal was at school in my first year here in Switzerland. It was just made clear to me that in Switzerland people greet each other. This means saying hello and perhaps 3 cheek kisses or a handshake. This isn't a problem for me anymore, except when attending an event with 10 or more people. Upon arriving one greets, upon leaving one greets. Very time consuming.

The idea of energy exchange is, of course, correct. But as someone who is extremely sensitive to these energies and vibrations, I can tell you without a doubt there is such a thing as boring energy.

Perhaps engaging in smalltalk has to do with one's level of consciouness?

[Colm OReilly]

I think and belief that vibing is an exchange of energies and a means of raising both parties emotions.

The more varied the topics you discuss the wider your rapport, the more you talk about one topic the deeper it becomes. Small talk is like saving the pennies in a piggy back. It costs relatively little but it acts as a trust investment for when you start making larger deposits in your friends/people you're getting to know.

I have the intention to raise the value of everyone I meet, and leave them happier and more enriched than when I met them. Small talk, vibing, shooting the breeze is one way of doing it.

I think you don't like the time consuming aspect of it. Here I can see your point. If it's talking aimlessly outside of the gym just so you can avoid doing any real work inside or because you've nothing else going on, then yes, small talk doesn't really help you there. But used as a rapport builder, very powerful.

Colm

[Zulu]

Small talk is one of the joys of life. Larry King describes it as one of the most important aspects of life.

Kevin Hogan says small talk exists to keep us in touch with reality.

In any case I've grown to love small talk. Once you learn to like it, it allows you to bond with far more people than before.

[maryelyn]

there's a lot more involved in social communication than just what is being said.
is it possible that you hate 'boring' because you're afraid of being perceived as 'boring'?

[trekr5]

I find small talk mind-numbingly boring too and seriously avoid people that engage in it. I tend to be very results focused and therefore prefer to spend my time talking about ideas and things that engage and educate the mind and not droning on about what the dog ate last night for dinner...who is even interested in that sort of rubbish

[Quetzal]

Originally Posted by Michelle

It bores me to tears, and I cannot comprehend why people who know each other at all would bother blahblahing about stupid insignificant stuff where there are worlds of miracles, mysteries and philosophies to be explored.

I agree i don't like 'small talk' I prefer to converse about something important or interesting, I often stay silent rather than entertain small talk, which leads some people to think i'm shy or ignorant... haha just fuel for misanthropy