Smalltalk? Yuck.

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by Michelle

It bores me to tears, and I cannot comprehend why people who know each other at all would bother blahblahing about stupid insignificant stuff where there are worlds of miracles, mysteries and philosophies to be explored.

I expect that there are a lot of people out there who can't understand why other people blather on about miracles, mysteries and philosophies when there are much more interesting things to chat about like the weather and which soap character said what!

I like small talk, it keeps communication lines open between people and can lead to deeper conversations. Someone I know tells me a lot of the insignificant details of her life and I could have easily written her off as small-minded, but then one day out of the blue she started telling me about her psychic experiences and it turns out she is one of the most aware people I have met! However I would never have found out if I hadn't kept speaking with her about mundane stuff at first.

Another way of looking at is is can you imagine a hugely enlightened person like Jesus or Buddah getting bored with us comparitively unenlighted people and just tuning out? I can't. I expect they would reach out and communicate with us at our level of understanding with compassion and love rather than judging us for our lack of awareness.

[Michael Chui]

I can't imagine Jesus or Buddha engaging in smalltalk in the first place. I think they'd gently reach out and ask, "Have you thought about this?" And if the other person brushes them off, then, well... who's at fault?

[Paul C]

I see many recurring thoughts here. Such as when starting to make small talk, the person who would rather discuss more meaningful topics or ideas begins to become irratated about the situation because they feel that they're not expressing their true selves and only contributed to the smalltalk out of some social obligation.

Although smalltalk can build rapport, as said, it mustn't be consumed in excess. Unless one is more inclined to be mainly extroverted and see any real meaning in speaking about perceived trivial things. From what I've read and experienced for awhile now is that by finding common ground with someone, both people within the conversation can benifit from the encounter regardless of differences in education of level of conciousness.

That aside, one phrase that still annoys me is: "How are you today?"... Tell me, who generally, honestly, cares how you are today? Besides family and close friends? Maybe some strangers do care, but for the majority, I couldn't say they do. It's only said out of obligation when concerning the masses. Also, does that mean it would be rude to not give them an answer to that question? or at the very least, a vague one, just to poke fun at how very common that question is within society?

One question I have alot of fun with is "What are you doing?" Or "What are you doing today?" Hmm... Being.

[tgl]

I generally hate small talk with a passion. It's gotten better. I used to feel like my face was about to crack when engaging in small talk. I don't get that feeling so much anymore.

One thing I did was just take the conversation to a deeper level. It's hard. I don't do it every time. But that's increasing every day.

I decided they are either going to get to know me or not. If I'm never going to see them again, what difference does it really matter what we talk about? If I'm going to see them again, I'd rather them want to talk to me because they're interested in having a good conversation or avoid me because I go too deep, or to places they don't want to go, or because they simply don't like me.

Taking the conversation somewhere else solves the problem. For me.

[Lychee]

I can't imagine Jesus or Buddha engaging in smalltalk in the first place. I think they'd gently reach out and ask, "Have you thought about this?" And if the other person brushes them off, then, well... who's at fault?

Well said. Like really, would any of the philosophers and great thinkers of our time waste energy entertaining thoughts that need not be entertained?

I generally hate small talk with a passion. It's gotten better. I used to feel like my face was about to crack when engaging in small talk. I don't get that feeling so much anymore.

One thing I did was just take the conversation to a deeper level. It's hard. I don't do it every time. But that's increasing every day.

I decided they are either going to get to know me or not. If I'm never going to see them again, what difference does it really matter what we talk about? If I'm going to see them again, I'd rather them want to talk to me because they're interested in having a good conversation or avoid me because I go too deep, or to places they don't want to go, or because they simply don't like me.

Taking the conversation somewhere else solves the problem. For me.

Yes, taking the conversation elsewhere does solve the problem, but some people are turned off by the change in direction of the conversation. It's about finding people who are willing to digress from social formalities.

[belugagirl]

My chiropractor told me something once in conversation that I'll never forget: there are two kinds of people: there are people who enter a room as if to say "Here I am!" and then there are people who enter a room as if to say "There you are!" It's the latter type that people like being around.

Perhaps part of what you find unbearable about small-talk is small-talk that people engage in all about themselves? When a person is genuinely interested in another, even the little questions like "How are you?" "How's your family?" "What have you been up to?" "Where do you live now?" convey care and interest, which feels less small-talky. Of course the problem is when one isn't really interested in the people one must talk to to pass time. If that happens to you, and for whatever reason you must converse with them, tap your natural curiosity about other people and seek to find out about that person. Steer the conversation with the kinds of questions you ask. If you must periodically be in situations where small-talk abounds, prepare in advance: make a list of things that you'd like to know about human nature and devise questions you can ask in order to conduct your own secret experiment. Or, choose a few things that you are interested in or passionate about and determine how you might ease those topics into the conversation. Have a few of these topics/questions/observations mentally at the ready so that you can shift the conversation from the ice-breakers to things that interest you. Since what you are interested in is what the other person will have to say about this issue (especially if you are conducting your own little human nature experiment), you will come across as a "There you are!" kind of person AND you will get to engage in conversation that is at least modestly meaningful to you.

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

I find this quotation nice (paraphrased, don't remember the exact quotation):

"Small people talk about people. Average people talk about things. Great people talk about ideas." - Dunno who said this

I almost have to force meaningful conversations at this point. I've really gotta get new friends.

You're thinking about a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. The exact quote is:

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I can't imagine Jesus or Buddha engaging in smalltalk in the first place. I think they'd gently reach out and ask, "Have you thought about this?" And if the other person brushes them off, then, well... who's at fault?

I don't think I explained myself very well. I quite agree that they wouldn't be engaging in small talk but also I don't think they would judge people and dismiss them for doing so.

I said "I expect they would reach out and communicate with us at our level of understanding with compassion and love rather than judging us for our lack of awareness."

So I think we are saying the same thing just in different ways. And I think belugagirls suggestions are really good for raising the level of the conversation with others.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

I don't think I explained myself very well. I quite agree that they wouldn't be engaging in small talk but also I don't think they would judge people and dismiss them for doing so.

I said "I expect they would reach out and communicate with us at our level of understanding with compassion and love rather than judging us for our lack of awareness."

So I think we are saying the same thing just in different ways. And I think belugagirls suggestions are really good for raising the level of the conversation with others.

Right, if people want to small talk that's fine. It's just that some people don't like doing it and just don't see that it's absolutely necessary whereas some people do. To each their own.

[mgoradia]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

I find this quotation nice (paraphrased, don't remember the exact quotation):

"Small people talk about people. Average people talk about things. Great people talk about ideas." - Dunno who said this

I almost have to force meaningful conversations at this point. I've really gotta get new friends.

I read this quote somewhere as well, about 6-7 years ago in someone's cube at this place I interned.

I've followed it as best I could. It's a great philosophy to live by. I wish I could find the original quote. I would frame it!

[mgoradia]

Originally Posted by Ibanez

Small talk does have a point. It shows you aren't socially retarded.

What's your definition of small-talk? I define small-talk as the following:

- Talking/Complaining about the weather
- Complaining about the local traffic
- Discussing politics as if you were making the decisions for the people with your sole opinions (even though the only thing you might have done is vote once every four years based on what some biased T.V News reporter said)
- Talking about Sports
- Talking about T.V shows and/or celebrities

However, I don't mind talking about "What's new?" in that person's life. I love to talk about the positive, funny and exciting things that happened to them and me.

What other forms of small-talk is there?

[Lychee]

"Socially retarded" is a pretty strong word...

[Dating Specialist]

How about the small talk for couples? I feel that is something necessary to keep the conversation ball rolling, and it helps to keep each other updated on what they're doing.

If a couple only focus on talking when big events happen, then there wouldn't be much bonding and connecting done.

[Erki]

I don't think sports is smalltalk. If people are entusiasts, they can keep talking about sports stuff for hours.

I don't think smalltalk is that bad. I think it has its own time and place, Like everything.

[Milo Riano]

I used to hate small talk until I realized its not about the conversation but the time and relationship you grow with the person that matters. When you're in trouble you'd be surprised that small talkers are the ones who are most sincere to help you out.

Anyways, the problem is that lots of people think their smart and would like to talk about complex things but come to think of it he is just one faceless person struggling in life.

I had friends back in college who were viewed as the most stupid people in school who fooled around, talked and laughed like jerks. My professor even scolded one of them and said he would not amount to anything in life. Later on, the word leaked out that they owned the McDonald franchise where most of us ate, gigantic malls, ships, etc. In short, they were billionaires and they were actually very smart people once you get them to talk to you seriously.

My point is to loosen up and show your adaptability skill set, there is a time for serious talk and a time for small talk. Enjoy the moment, that's what matters.

[Love]

I think what bothers me is not the value of smalltalk in itself, but the unnaturalness of it to me. It doesn't come easily to me; that's why it annoys me so much. Big talk comes quite easily out of me. My trouble is, I think I'm big talking so much so I won't have to increase my small talk skills. And that, I think, is a cop-out. I do feel that small talk creates commonality, and can provide moments of laughter. Which is nice replacement sometimes for silence.

[moltar]

Sooo... Yeah... It's beautiful outside, isn't it?

[andrew]

Originally Posted by moltar

Sooo... Yeah... It's beautiful outside, isn't it?

Yeah it is.. So.. How 'bout that team?

[Dimitry]

They gave 110% of their effort last night and were down in the 2nd but rallied in the third. Chucky battled really hard in the deep zone and fought to maintain a precise game. They just gotta come out next game and put out what they practice.

Like some people have said, small talk is also important. Very rare that you can go into a deep conversation without small talk. As mgoradia has said, I think the definition of small talk is being mixed around here. I agree that meaningless small talk all the time gets boring and I try to avoid it if I can. I do engage in it at work once in a while, though not as much as before.

I do think that you can't always maintain a deep conversation, or else you'll run out of deep things to talk about without repeating yourself. And once you start repeating yourself...isn't that also the dreaded "small talk" that you are trying to avoid? heh

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

I think and belief that vibing is an exchange of energies and a means of raising both parties emotions.

The more varied the topics you discuss the wider your rapport, the more you talk about one topic the deeper it becomes. Small talk is like saving the pennies in a piggy back. It costs relatively little but it acts as a trust investment for when you start making larger deposits in your friends/people you're getting to know.

I have the intention to raise the value of everyone I meet, and leave them happier and more enriched than when I met them. Small talk, vibing, shooting the breeze is one way of doing it.

I think you don't like the time consuming aspect of it. Here I can see your point. If it's talking aimlessly outside of the gym just so you can avoid doing any real work inside or because you've nothing else going on, then yes, small talk doesn't really help you there. But used as a rapport builder, very powerful.

Colm

I agree with a lot of what you said!

[JJP]

Here is a useful, easy technique for the lazy for making "small talk":

1. Stand near person you wish to talk to.
2. Stop, and take a slow, satisfying breath deeeep into your stomach.
3. Now, ask yourself "What makes me curious about this person?" or "What does my curiosity want to know about this person?" Just ask yourself a question along those lines.
4. Listen for the answer you get in your mind. Go with it, just trust it.
5. Ask the person an open ended question about it, something that absolutely can't be answered with yes or no.
6. Listen, acknowledge. Stop, and take another deep breath. Repeat above steps as desired.
7. Try this: See how long you can keep the conversation going without saying anything about yourself.

In keeping with the idea of conversation as an exchange of energies, if you think about it, all you're doing here is giving someone your attention and curiosity and in exchange the other person is doing all the talking. They will think you are the greatest conversationalist in the world, and you'll easily build rapport, a connection.

If you are so inclined, you can even imagine good energy moving and flowing between you.

Lemme know how it works