masculinity and healing past wounds

[JaredR]

In 3rd and 4th grades, people often teased me and told me I looked like a girl. My first "girlfriend" told me that when she first saw me she didn't know if I was a boy or a girl. Then through middle school my one male friend and I were accused of being "butt buddies" and I was frequently asked if I was gay. The teasing continued into the first year of high school, but then it tapered off. But all through high school I was surrounded by female friends.

I'm in college now, and I still don't have any male friends. I am not gay if you're wondering, but I do have a problem with masculinity. I can't relate to other men at all, and I often feel very insecure around them, like I am back in grade school and facing my peers all over again. Often when I am talking to another male my voice softens and raises in pitch involuntarily, which is a nervous thing but makes me feel like a little kid again and totally emasculated.

How can I heal these feelings of rejection from my childhood? How can I develop a masculine self-image and feel like an equal member of my gender?