Bullying

[Lauxa]

I recently witnessed a bullying-type episode at my club. I'd like to recount it and get comments/opinions. The actors:

wimp: skinny 18-year-old redheaded male being bullied
alpha male: mid-30's guy
wife: married to alpa male
girlfriend: young 18-20 year old girl
pixie: tiny but very athletic 15-year-old girl
giant: hulking early 40's male with martial arts training

So I was at my club and I saw wimp sitting with a group of people. He had recently posted on FB about trying a vegan diet and I love to talk about food so I went over to talk to him about it. As he tried to talk with me, alpha male kept smacking him upside the head with an empty soda bottle. Wimp protested that he was non-violent and wasn't going to retaliate. The other people around were generally laughing at his expense. Girlfriend occasionally threw another soda bottle at wimp and then it would be a game for the crowd to retrieve the bottle and get it back to girlfriend so she could throw it at him again. Wife made some comment about how if he was really bothered by the behavior he would just go away, and how pathetic he was for sticking around to take the abuse. Pixie got in on the action by beaning wimp with a soda bottle, which bounced impressively off his forehead and landed back in her hand. She got massive kudos from the group for this feat, including from wimp, who was trying to be good-natured about the whole thing.

This whole scene upset me a fair degree, not just the violence but the malicious undertone to the events. The message being sent was "we don't like you and we wish you'd go away." I made some comment like "you guys are mean" which did not deter them one bit of course. Later I asked the club organizer if there were any rules against bullying. His response was "no, but we have karma." Okay then.

So what do you think wimp should have done in this situation? What would you have done as a bystander to this event?

[Angela]

What the heck kind of club is this, Lauxa?????

[nxomsa]

This is the saddest thing I've read today.

[nxomsa]

Wimp stuck his ground, so I admire him for that. Everyone else in the room is a coward. I'm not sure what I would have done in that situation and it bothers me to a degree.

[Bradshaw]

Hmm.

The situation itself is obviously very sad and clearly many of the people involved have some deep problems... you see it a lot in lower-quality bars an clubs.

But here's a different perspective to consider, why didn't he just get out of there?

I wonder why people hang around people that are obviously not their vibrational matches.

Why does it even matter to him that these people accept him? This seems like a pretty trashy club to me. These people wouldn't even make good acquaintances, let alone good friends.

In such a situation, unless you're being forced to be with these people or something, there's little point in even engaging with them.

And what the heck were you doing in a place like this anyway, Lauxa? xD

This is why it's important to hang around the right people.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

What would you have done as a bystander to this event?

When I look disapproving, I look very disapproving.

I would have given my most disapproving look .... to the wimp.

I would have said loudly, "Why do you lack self-respect? And keep yourself in the company of such people?"

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

When I look disapproving, I look very disapproving.

I would have given my most disapproving look .... to the wimp.

I would have said loudly, "Why do you lack self-respect? And keep yourself in the company of such people?"

I think I might have said something similar .... to myself.

[Bradshaw]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

When I look disapproving, I look very disapproving.

I would have given my most disapproving look .... to the wimp.

I would have said loudly, "Why do you lack self-respect? And keep yourself in the company of such people?"

Exactly!

[elucidate]

I can understand standing his ground, for sure, but there's a difference between standing your ground and allowing people to **** all over you, and it looks like he did this more than give any kind of powerful message to the bullies.

I'd have at least asserted myself...but then, some peoples self-esteem ain't too high. Time for him to work on this I'd say. I would probably also not stand around and just watch someone get treated like this. Power in numbers means that the more people around him on his side, the less the bullies will bully.

It's always easy to think about it when you're not the one experiencing it though.

[Lauxa]

It was my juggle club. There are probaby 20-30 regulars and many are very wonderful people. It has been a great club every other time I went. Excepting giant, these are people I haven't hung out with as much, they kind of have their own little clique I guess. I approached the circle because I wanted to talk to wimp, who I guess was unwelcome. I stayed as long as I did because I was fascinated by how the scene was playing out and wondering what to do. This was my first experience of this sort in over 2 years of attending, so I was quite dismayed to see it happen there.

[Angela]

Well, if it's a juggle club, shouldn't the wimp have just caught all the bottles before they hit his head, and started juggling them?

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, if it's a juggle club, shouldn't the wimp have just caught all the bottles before they hit his head, and started juggling them?

LOL, I think giant made that comment as well.

[nxomsa]

Excuse my ignorance, but what's a juggle club?

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I can understand standing his ground, for sure, but there's a difference between standing your ground and allowing people to **** all over you, and it looks like he did this more than give any kind of powerful message to the bullies.

I'd have at least asserted myself...but then, some peoples self-esteem ain't too high. Time for him to work on this I'd say. I would probably also not stand around and just watch someone get treated like this. Power in numbers means that the more people around him on his side, the less the bullies will bully.

It's always easy to think about it when you're not the one experiencing it though.

How would you have asserted yourself? It's pretty hard to do in a 4-on-1 situation. I remember now there was another enormous guy there. I really think the big guys would have reacted if the situation had gotten really violent, although they would not intercede in such a petty conflict. How would you have reacted as a bystander?

Many of you seem to think he should have just left the situation. At what point should he have left? What words and demeanor do you imagine him having? Is that taking the easy way out?

Maybe I could have said something like "Wimp is a precious and valued human being. When you hurt wimp, I feel disturbed because _____." Well, I read that 3-part pattern is good for fostering dialog, don't know exactly why I feel disturbed though. Because I have some shred of empathy probably. Not for the bullies though, hah!

[elucidate]

Like I said, it's always easier to speculate about what I 'would have' done in that situation.

To me though, as a bystander I probably would have stepped in and made a loud noise to get their attention like "Öi" (aussie terminology)...and made eye contact with the ones doing the majority of the bullying whilst saying (what's going on here...why are you being this way to someone who isn't bothering you at all but minding their own business, don't you have anything better to do?" (I've done this before btw, with a boy who was getting hassled by some african boys at the library one day...the librarians just pretended it wasn't happening, like everyone else, and didn't step in!

I don't think I would have said stuff like what you suggested as that would only cause them to laugh and turn the focus of their attention onto me. Instead I would be saying something like "this is my club, and bullying isn't tolerated here, so I would like it if you leave if this is the way you are gonna behave"...and maintain eye contact with an authoritative voice that means business. I would not be gentle about it, but I also would not be too aggressive...just definite in my request for them to leave if they aren't gonna stop it!

I know it sounds easy me saying it, but if you have the right attitude in your voice and lay down the law of how it's gonna be in YOUR club, then they will listen (hopefully). If not...call the friggin' police on them for aggravated assault!

Originally Posted by Lauxa

How would you have asserted yourself? It's pretty hard to do in a 4-on-1 situation. I remember now there was another enormous guy there. I really think the big guys would have reacted if the situation had gotten really violent, although they would not intercede in such a petty conflict. How would you have reacted as a bystander?

Many of you seem to think he should have just left the situation. At what point should he have left? What words and demeanor do you imagine him having? Is that taking the easy way out?

Maybe I could have said something like "Wimp is a precious and valued human being. When you hurt wimp, I feel disturbed because _____." Well, I read that 3-part pattern is good for fostering dialog, don't know exactly why I feel disturbed though. Because I have some shred of empathy probably. Not for the bullies though, hah!

[ZephyrusX]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I know it sounds easy me saying it, but if you have the right attitude in your voice and lay down the law of how it's gonna be in YOUR club, then they will listen (hopefully). If not...call the friggin' police on them for aggravated assault!

Or start throwing the juggling balls at the bullies...

Lauxa, are the owners of the club aware of the incident? I would speak to the owner and see how willing they would be in fostering an zero-tolerance atmosphere for this sort of behaviour. I personally wouldn't kick someone (or in this case a group) out the first time they behaved in such a fashion. I'd attempt to talk to them and warn then about their behaviour. And then kick them out if they refuse to cooperate.

If the owners will not cooperate, I'd just move on with my life and find a new place to hang out in.

[Angela]

You can be your standards while still granting others the freedom to be and do as they choose.

"Is this a club for people who have each others' back and who are a stand for everyone's success? or not? Either way is fine, but for me, this behavior is just totally inconsistent with who I am, so if being supportive of one another isn't the unanimous choice, I'll be moving on now. Whaddya say?"