How do you contact someone on a dating site?

[Playlife]

I'm in bit of a weird situation. It's usually assumed that it's easier to contact someone on a dating site, but often times people there put 'disclaimers' on their profiles that should you send them a message, it better be something more than "Hey wassup?".
And now I'm a bit lost. I've spotted someone who seems interesting to me(and don't ask why exactly, sometimes people just "seem interesting". It could be perhaps the way they describe themselves(duh!), and I can't single out a detail. Hmmm.), and I'd like to contact her. But I'm thinking, what should I write then, so that the message won't be deleted on the spot?

So I guess I'm asking you, if you were to be on a dating site, and a guy sends you a message, what exactly should he write?

[neilward2]

I spent 2 years researching this exact question. It is very difficult and there is no easy answer. I simply made a template in the end which I now use to a 60% response rate, I don't know anyone with a higher response rate.

I read somewhere that the average reply rate is around 1% for men. What you don't realise is that women are getting up to 100 messages per day depening on their geographic location and attractiveness. I live in Central London so I had to choice but to get good at this, can you imagine how many messages an attractive woman get's in a City this size?! LOL!

The key is to be unique and completely different from all the other guys (in a postive way.) It's as simple as that. Most of the message that women get are things like:

Title: 'hey' - Message: 'Hey, how's it going?' or 'Hey, you look beautiful, etc etc' there is just no imagination put into it!

No wonder the reply rate is so low! I can send you a report that I wrote if you are still not having any luck after other people post and give their advice. I'm actually in the middle of writing my latest book so I can't post in great detail. Feel free to contact me through my site though, I always help people out from this forum for FREE (within reason)

Have a great day buddy,

[Arcturus]

I don't like dating sites for the simple reason that when you have to create your profile and include your interests and your profession etc it's almost as if you're writing your CV. You then have people reading this profile and judging you, sometimes on things they shouldn't really be judging you on such as your profession for example. It's almost as if they are looking at cars or properties online to see which ones they're interested in.
This method, by it's very nature, means that people are judging you before they've even met you because there is nothing else to go on apart from some information and a photograph.
A better name for dating sites should (IMO) be introduction sites. There is no way on earth you're ever going to get to know someone properly until you've known them for a few months at least. Yes, the site can introduce you based on the fact that you've similar interests etc and are of a similar age but those things alone do not make people 'click' even if there is a degree of compatability due to you both being stamp collectors or whatever.
The very thought of meeting a complete stranger (or someone that you only know because you've emailed each other a few times) for the first time in a bar or a restaurant horrifies me. I realise that dating agencies and sites do work for many people but I prefer the old fashioned method of getting to know the person first through work, college or other social contact and taking it from there.

[scotthegeek]

I have written about 300 ladies so far on Plenty of fish it is a free dating site. About 1 in 15 girls write back half the time its is a rejection letter. the two dates I went on we did not write much we meet but it did not last.

there is others that like to flirt and don't write much and just seem they want to see how long they can keep you hooked but don't want to go out. Then there are others they will talk to you because they are doing god's work.

lately I been trying sending the girls jokes without the punchline and get them to write back out of curiosity. I'm not sure about this yet. The one girl her name is Michelle she got my joke so I sent her a link to The Beatles song Michelle she like it. we are flirting and she has said I'm awesome sexy and funny not all in the same letter. I sign my last letter P.S. I Love You and put the link to the song and said do you like foot messages. I write sweet dreams and she writes good night sweetie pie. we don't live in the same city but she not far away and she dose not ask personal information about me or offer any and don't see it going any where.

Scott

Joke, What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

[James81]

Originally Posted by Playlife

but often times people there put 'disclaimers' on their profiles that should you send them a message, it better be something more than "Hey wassup?".

I appreciate those people so much!

Why? Because they make it really easy for me to move onto the next one. So that's kind of like putting up a sign that says "Hey, we aren't good for each other." That way I don't have to waste my time with them.

Here's the thing...you can spend a good portion of your life trying to figure out the "mystery that is WOMAN" or you can just see what you like and go after it, knowing that if you don't get it, there's an abundance of other women out there. Why sit around and obsess over one person, when there are billions of them out there?

I'd advocate sending someone a message written based on what you are thinking....in an open and direct manner, in your own personality.

Something like,

"Hey, I was looking at your profile and I think you are cute and seem like an interesting person and would like to get to know you better. I see that you like [THING SHE LIKES]...[COMMENT ON WHAT YOU THINK OF THAT THING].

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you and would like to meet up with you sometime for [WHATEVER IT IS YOU LIKE TO DO]."

Is that going to make all the women on those sites panties just cream with excitement? No. In fact, I bet your success rate with a message like that is very low. In fact, I bet the ones who aren't interested aren't even going to send you a reply..they'll just ignore it.

But I gaurantee you, with 99.9% surety, that IF someone replies to that type of message, they will be a good match for you.

The question to ask yourself is this:

Are you looking for "success" or are you looking for compatibility?

If you're looking for "success," then by all means study the types of responses that will get you responses back. Figure out the MYSTERY THAT IS WOMAN and become a playa.

If you're looking for compatibility, then go be you and don't worry about the outcome of being you. If nobody responds to the real you, then go be you somewhere else.

[Leesah]

Don't sweat the first message, most are generic. The girl will know more from your profile than your first message so I'd work at making sure that represents you well. It doesn't matter so much what you say in that first message, rather if she feels from your profile you'd be a good match or not (ie. does she find you attractive, does she find your interests and way of speaking/writing appealing?).

Thinking about your message too much is probably pointless. A bit of advice I would give, though, and it may not aply to all women so consider that, but ... don't write a message about what she looks like. I joined a dating website for about a day once (I found my bf within an hour so it was a short stay on the site .. we have since split up though) ... and I tried to reply to most messages but any message saying "hey you look hot" or even "you look beautiful" would either be ignored or occassionally replied to out of politeness. I wasn't interested in attracting someone who wanted sex, and to me pointing out how hot someone looks in their picture is the same as saying "I'd like to have sex with you". You can compliment them later on their looks but, for me personally, it definitely shouldn't be obvious that that was the deciding factor in contacting them. Telling them you contacted them because they sound/seem fun/interesting/nice etc is another thing though.. it's a compliment but also shows you appreciate those qualities in someone and they could also probably assume that you share those qualities yourself.

[Wasmeanttobe]

I often flirt online, arrange a hookup and then bail out at the last minute because deep down i think they must be an axe murderer or teddy bear fetishist if they are using a dating site.

I Really need to go to bars more, thats where ive had the most success post high school and university.

but yeah on the original post:

I think you should maybe be brutally honest and direct, anything that sounds generic should be re written. Sound serious. maybe make a point of not saying shes cute.

Hi, i noticed your profile. You sound refreshingly interesting.

heres my phone number, call me.

[curiouslyrandom]

The question to ask yourself is this:

Are you looking for "success" or are you looking for compatibility?

If you're looking for "success," then by all means study the types of responses that will get you responses back. Figure out the MYSTERY THAT IS WOMAN and become a playa.

If you're looking for compatibility, then go be you and don't worry about the outcome of being you. If nobody responds to the real you, then go be you somewhere else.

Yep.

I was on okcupid for a long time (I liked the quizzes), and would immediately delete any email that just said something like "hey, how's it going?" I would respond to the ones that said "hey, I like what you said about ____" or otherwise showed a person had read my profile.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Playlife

people there put 'disclaimers' on their profiles that should you send them a message, it better be something more than "Hey wassup?".

Stay away from them!!!

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Arcturus

I don't like dating sites for the simple reason that when you have to create your profile and include your interests and your profession etc it's almost as if you're writing your CV. You then have people reading this profile and judging you, sometimes on things they shouldn't really be judging you on such as your profession for example. It's almost as if they are looking at cars or properties online to see which ones they're interested in.

Why shouldn't people make decisions about whether they want to meet you based on profession, or looks, or age, or income level?

I mean, there might be guys out there who pick women based on having a D+ boob size. That's up to them. It would eliminate me from their contender pool but... personally, I don't want to date a guy for whom boob size is that important. So it works out for everyone, right?

[curiouslyrandom]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Stay away from them!!!

Why? Because they actually expect more from you than a generic hello?

[joelr]

In my time on dating sites I learned through wasting lots of time that the odds are against you so you have to write to quite a few women. Having a generic copy&paste, "hi" short letter with a little info and a pic is the best way.

More than a "whatsup", give your stats, age, work, hobbies, personality type, interests and say you though her profile was interesting or thought her pic was attractive and you wanted to say hi. If someone is really interesting you can edit the response by adding something specific about her profile. But honestly that really doesn't seem to matter based on who actually writes back.

Even women who respond are juggling an endless supply of other guys who they decided to write back to also. So a few quick emails should be followed by a coffee date as quick as possible.
I found it can be a huge waste of time writing back and forth. They often suddenly vanish or when you do meet they are far less attractive (to you) than the profile leads on.
Or they are not interested in continuing to see you.
I've had first meet ups that became make-out sessions but then they either stopped contact or called and said they were looking for something different.


Never agree to dinner first, a quick coffee or drink is the best bet.
One time I set up a dinner date and even bought someone a gift of something she mentioned she was into. All based on a phone conversation and her profile and pic which said she was in the "up to~175 lbs" category and her photo which looked nice (her hair was hiding a big double chin).
She was actually an easy 325lbs and very double chin-y and round. But more importantly I had no attraction to her whatsoever, not romantically or sexually. What's worse is I knew who she was. She was that girl I sometimes see on the treadmill at the gym who was extremely overweight. I wish her success in her weight loss efforts but would have never considered asking her out. Not a good match.
I was actually excited about the date.

Good learning experience. Even coffee dates are sometimes disasters. Another time someone claimed to be 4'11 but was much shorter and was a "small person". Had I read she was 3'11 I would have known.

When people are really eager to write back and forth and get too intimate on email there is a high probability that their appearance will be different than you are imagining. In a way that's less attractive to you.

I can think of at least 1 other time a woman sent me a college pic where she was pleasantly plump but when we met she was over 30 and over 300 lbs.

Every time I've spent daily energy on dating sites I ALWAYS end up meeting someone in person at random anyway.
After one recent breakup a woman left my studio and moved back to another state on a Sat evening. I was doing some visualization work and internet dating stuff for 2 days then I walked outside of my studio on day 3 and hit on someone promoting something on the sidewalk and we started dating.

[Leesah]

Originally Posted by joelr

said she was in the "up to~175 lbs" category and her photo which looked nice (her hair was hiding a big double chin).
She was actually an easy 325lbs and very double chin-y and round.

someone claimed to be 4'11 but was much shorter and was a "small person". Had I read she was 3'11 I would have known.

Lolol Not funny for you at the time I'm sure... but kiiind of funny to read.

I have similar but not as drastic experience with guys, height seems to be a big thing to lie about, I met two people who were easily 5 inches shorter than claimed. It didn't matter so much, but it did matter (I like tall-ish guys ).

I've never lied before meeting someone. Actually I make it a point to send them my WORST photos so they know what they're getting into, if they still wish to meet up I don't need to worry so much about "what if they don't fancy me?!"

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by joelr

In my time on dating sites I learned through wasting lots of time that the odds are against you so you have to write to quite a few women. Having a generic copy&paste, "hi" short letter with a little info and a pic is the best way.

More than a "whatsup", give your stats, age, work, hobbies, personality type, interests and say you though her profile was interesting or thought her pic was attractive and you wanted to say hi. If someone is really interesting you can edit the response by adding something specific about her profile. But honestly that really doesn't seem to matter based on who actually writes back.

Even women who respond are juggling an endless supply of other guys who they decided to write back to also. So a few quick emails should be followed by a coffee date as quick as possible.
I found it can be a huge waste of time writing back and forth. They often suddenly vanish or when you do meet they are far less attractive (to you) than the profile leads on.
Or they are not interested in continuing to see you.
I've had first meet ups that became make-out sessions but then they either stopped contact or called and said they were looking for something different.


Never agree to dinner first, a quick coffee or drink is the best bet.
One time I set up a dinner date and even bought someone a gift of something she mentioned she was into. All based on a phone conversation and her profile and pic which said she was in the "up to~175 lbs" category and her photo which looked nice (her hair was hiding a big double chin).
She was actually an easy 325lbs and very double chin-y and round. But more importantly I had no attraction to her whatsoever, not romantically or sexually. What's worse is I knew who she was. She was that girl I sometimes see on the treadmill at the gym who was extremely overweight. I wish her success in her weight loss efforts but would have never considered asking her out. Not a good match.
I was actually excited about the date.

Good learning experience. Even coffee dates are sometimes disasters. Another time someone claimed to be 4'11 but was much shorter and was a "small person". Had I read she was 3'11 I would have known.

When people are really eager to write back and forth and get too intimate on email there is a high probability that their appearance will be different than you are imagining. In a way that's less attractive to you.

I can think of at least 1 other time a woman sent me a college pic where she was pleasantly plump but when we met she was over 30 and over 300 lbs.

Every time I've spent daily energy on dating sites I ALWAYS end up meeting someone in person at random anyway.
After one recent breakup a woman left my studio and moved back to another state on a Sat evening. I was doing some visualization work and internet dating stuff for 2 days then I walked outside of my studio on day 3 and hit on someone promoting something on the sidewalk and we started dating.

I really don't GET why people would lie about things like weight and height. I mean, you're gonna meet them and SEE them. The last thing I'd want to do would be to disappoint a guy who was expecting to meet a taller, thinner woman, and have him be thinking the whole time how unattractive I actually am to him!

I HATE admitting my height online because I'm sure people wouldn't wanna go out with someone as short as me, or whatever, but at least in doing so I'd weed out those who would care. Same with weight. Why pretend to be slim when you're anything but??

Actually with an ex-bf I met online I said I was really really short, and he guessed 155cm and I didn't correct him lol. I don't even really remember the convo, but I was like "errm something like that..." after we met and I said something about how he's 40cm taller than me he was like HUH? I thought you were 155, not 150! hahaha. But in general, I sort of warn people I'm a real shortie before I meet them, because most people expect you to be kinda "average" and if you're way off the norm will be surprised I suppose...

That being said, I've never been on a dating site, but if I was...yeah, I'd be honest... doesn't seem much point in NOT being honest about physical stuff!

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by Playlife

But I'm thinking, what should I write then, so that the message won't be deleted on the spot?

So I guess I'm asking you, if you were to be on a dating site, and a guy sends you a message, what exactly should he write?

You can't control whether it's deleted or not. Would you want someone to write back because they dig you or because you asked the right question?

If they have a decently thought out profile, there's usually something there you can take into conversation. That's what I do anyway. For instance, if the guy is into wake boarding (which I know nothing about) I would ask the guy how long he's been doing it or how he got started doing that. Similar to what I'd do in person.

[rei]

Personally, I tend to ignore "hey wassup" responses. I think I'd sound more high-maintenance than I am in my relationships if I wrote up a disclaimer about it though. It does seem like a person isn't really even bothering to read the profile when I get those messages.

It doesn't take much to find something they actually wrote about to mention in your message. You could probably get away with being fairly generic about it aside from that. It is also a bit of a numbers game. Helps to continue responding to interesting people whether you get replies or not.

Me, I am not really put off by comments related to my looks but I do like to feel like I have been seen as a person with an inner world.

Somebody had the interesting idea to provide what amounts to a summary of part of my profile - "So a girl who [summarized details]... I think I could get down with that." You might try this approach, OP.

Ha, I find it a bit sad that people write form letters for online dating. I wish I could unlearn that and be more Pollyanna about it.

OH my goodness. On one of these sites, I saw some new matches, and one featured the same picture that appeared on Tosh.0. A dude with a banana hammock and guns. Wow. I think I really need to save up to move to an area with more of my tribe represented. Just had to share that. What an interesting claim to fame that would be....

[Cochonette]

I don't like dating websites because 99% of the people on there turn me OFF, and the other 1% live at least 700 miles away. I met someone cool on one once, but that person lived 750 miles away. But to answer your question, I don't know how you can find someone interesting but not have a clue why. I always know exactly why I'm interested in someone, or not. It would never occur to me to just say, "Hey, what's up?" In high school, I never knew what to say when this kid who liked me would always say to me, "Hey, what's up?" so I'd just say, "the sky." You should ask the person a specific question or tell them something you like about them.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by curiouslyrandom

Why? Because they actually expect more from you than a generic hello?

Because if you meet someone on the street/Starbucks, you would not expect them to perform to you either. It is as if I would put on my profile "if you write me, you better have more going for you than your looks". It is just conceited....

[Playlife]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

But to answer your question, I don't know how you can find someone interesting but not have a clue why. I always know exactly why I'm interested in someone, or not. It would never occur to me to just say, "Hey, what's up?" In high school, I never knew what to say when this kid who liked me would always say to me, "Hey, what's up?" so I'd just say, "the sky." You should ask the person a specific question or tell them something you like about them.

Yes, it's been bothering me, too. I could say that what attracts me is the "whole picture" of the person, and the way she describes herself. I think there certainly is some thing that especially catches me, and perhaps I should think more what exactly it is..?

[Brutha]

The research suggests: Exactly What To Say In A First Message OkTrends

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Because if you meet someone on the street/Starbucks, you would not expect them to perform to you either. It is as if I would put on my profile "if you write me, you better have more going for you than your looks". It is just conceited....

It's because most of those women on dating sites receive generic garbage like that all the time. Meeting online isn't the same as just meeting at Starbucks; when you meet a person in person, you take in a HUGE amount of them in a span of very few seconds, and in most cases you already know if you'd even want to venture further than a few words about the weather. It's not conceit, just clarity.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

It's because most of those women on dating sites receive generic garbage like that all the time. Meeting online isn't the same as just meeting at Starbucks; when you meet a person in person, you take in a HUGE amount of them in a span of very few seconds, and in most cases you already know if you'd even want to venture further than a few words about the weather. .

Well, both parties have a picture to look at and a description. If I send a "Hey, what's up?" to you, I am essentially saying "I looked at your profile, and you are interesting/attractive enough for me to contact you". If you then reply "thanks, I am fine. How are you?" you would essentially be saying "I had a look at your profile too, and I find you attractive enough to reply to you". Then take it from there and go on!
Is that too much to ask for? It seems natural to me. If she is not interested she can just not reply.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by metamorph

If she is not interested she can just not reply.

That's normally what happens.

So in putting that little disclaimer (which I think is a bit tacky though, but not conceited) she's helping the "wassup" folks to not waste their time anyway.

[curiouslyrandom]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Because if you meet someone on the street/Starbucks, you would not expect them to perform to you either. It is as if I would put on my profile "if you write me, you better have more going for you than your looks". It is just conceited....

"Perform"? Where do you get that idea?

If a guy says "hey, wassup?" to me on the street or at Starbucks, I'd still ignore him. Doesn't matter what he looks like. I'm more interested in how he thinks, and a generic hello doesn't tell me anything at all.

Now, if a guy walks up to me on the street and comments on something like a hat I'm wearing or a book I'm reading or something else, at least I know he's actually paying attention to me, not just saying hello because I have tits. To me, the generic hello means "hey, you've got the body parts I want to mingle with. Wanna go?" Eh, no.

Talk to the brain, not the boobs. Unless, of course, all you're after is a shallow, meaningless ♥♥♥♥♥, in which case I'm sure you'll do just fine.

[curiouslyrandom]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

So in putting that little disclaimer (which I think is a bit tacky though, but not conceited) she's helping the "wassup" folks to not waste their time anyway.

Well, yeah. Do men think we get a thrill every time we ignore one of these guys? I didn't. It was depressing. I'd get excited that someone contacted me, then find nothing but "hey, wassup?" which made me feel like the guy was just picking faces at random off the page. It was depressing.

My advice to the guys: Make a girl feel special by paying attention to her, and she'll pay more attention to you, thereby making you feel special, too.

[joelr]

Originally Posted by Leesah

Lolol Not funny for you at the time I'm sure... but kiiind of funny to read.

I have similar but not as drastic experience with guys, height seems to be a big thing to lie about, I met two people who were easily 5 inches shorter than claimed. It didn't matter so much, but it did matter (I like tall-ish guys ).

I've never lied before meeting someone. Actually I make it a point to send them my WORST photos so they know what they're getting into, if they still wish to meet up I don't need to worry so much about "what if they don't fancy me?!"

That what people who lie are hoping, that if you knew ahead of time you might not agree to meet up but once you actually meet them than the height or whatever isn't a deal breaker because they have other nice characteristics.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Well, both parties have a picture to look at and a description. If I send a "Hey, what's up?" to you, I am essentially saying "I looked at your profile, and you are interesting/attractive enough for me to contact you". If you then reply "thanks, I am fine. How are you?" you would essentially be saying "I had a look at your profile too, and I find you attractive enough to reply to you". Then take it from there and go on!
Is that too much to ask for? It seems natural to me. If she is not interested she can just not reply.

Hey, metamorph. Wassup?

[joelr]

Originally Posted by votoshka

I really don't GET why people would lie about things like weight and height. I mean, you're gonna meet them and SEE them. The last thing I'd want to do would be to disappoint a guy who was expecting to meet a taller, thinner woman, and have him be thinking the whole time how unattractive I actually am to him!

I HATE admitting my height online because I'm sure people wouldn't wanna go out with someone as short as me, or whatever, but at least in doing so I'd weed out those who would care. Same with weight. Why pretend to be slim when you're anything but??

Actually with an ex-bf I met online I said I was really really short, and he guessed 155cm and I didn't correct him lol. I don't even really remember the convo, but I was like "errm something like that..." after we met and I said something about how he's 40cm taller than me he was like HUH? I thought you were 155, not 150! hahaha. But in general, I sort of warn people I'm a real shortie before I meet them, because most people expect you to be kinda "average" and if you're way off the norm will be surprised I suppose...

That being said, I've never been on a dating site, but if I was...yeah, I'd be honest... doesn't seem much point in NOT being honest about physical stuff!

4'11 was the height one girl claimed to be, which is a good height. I have a cousin-in-law who's that height. She's hot.
But this person was a dwarf or migit or close.
It seems crazy to misrepresent yourself but I don't have the heart to call them on it.

One woman who sent a college photo that was ~10 years old and looked like 180lbs, but was now well over 300, tall and huge!
We had a coffee and she actually said "I'm not looking to sleep with a guy who just has a fat or BBW fetish" Mind you, this was an ad on casual encounters for casual sex.
So I'm thinking not only did you completely lie about your looks now it's important that I lust for your morbidly-obese apple shaped body just like I would a hot cheerleader?
I told her right after that that it was a bad match and split.

Thing is I had to walk for like 30 minutes from the nearest subway stop then travel and walk for another 40 min for that disaster.

If anyone sends a small blurry sketchy photo, in this day and age where EVERYONE has access to some camera, or a friend who could snap a phone pic and email it, then RUN AWAY! If they say they have no pic after engaging in conversation and you are hoping for someone at least moderately attractive or less than very obese then move on.

A lot of women actually write back the 1st time and say straight up - send me another photo. They will not engage in any further conversation without a clear idea of your looks. After getting burned every time I didn't do that I started asking for a pic.

It's been about 10 years since I did serious internet dating. I remember so many coffee dates where the second I saw someone it was like "no attraction". Never met any serious relationship people online, ever. Just hookups.
My best friend met his wife that way though.

[Cochonette]

lol, joelr. If everyone cared less about photos/looks, I'd probably be attracted to a lot more people and might even find dating websites useful.

[munish]

You can read ' Net to wed, Net to Bed" by Adam Gilad.

That will help.