Help! Toxic person that holds your financial future

[C33]

I am at my wits' end. And I really need help in the form of clarity and words of wisdom.

My brother and I have inherited money and a house .50/50. We need to be in agreement for every decision and sign on everything. Now, the Government has taken its share , we could get the entire amount out of the sollicitor's.

The past 4 months, whenI asked my brother to pay his share of the bills ( we own 50 % of the house), when we had a plumbing problem I needed assistance with: he played dead.We were supposed to meet face to face to split the bills: he cancelled the meeting.

I can only reach him on a cell, at some point another guy owned it, and I had to threaten to call the police for my brother to finally call.(I didn t know if he was alive or dead and was afraid there was foul play because I received only text messages, 1 every 5 weeks and thought someone had done him harm)He has been disappearing and reappearing for years. He would ask money from my father, and then would disappear again. He is extremely dysfunctional.

He has threatened many times to dispute the inheritance ( a lengthy process that can take up to 4 years in court battles) which he can legally do, for the 30 years following the facts.

After each cash advance( 2), my brother disappeared. I learned, from a friend , that he was in our hometown before Christmas, looking very disheveled ( he drinks and smokes a lot, and God knows what else), yet he didn t call me.

A few days ago, he frantically called me asking for my signature for a cash advance. I told him that, because of all the aforementioned reasons, I couldn t trust him. That I didn t want to sign any agreement for a cash advance until he:
1- Had signed a paper agreeing that he would never dispute the inheritance in the future( I would of course, agree to the same),
2-Paid his half of the bills,
3-Sign a paper to get the entirety of the inheritance money, not a small chunk, in order for me to make the financial decision to buy him his share of the house( I would like to keep it).

I even went Dr Phil on him and told him that his behavior dictated my reaction, that, in view of his past actions, I could only expect he was going to leave me with the responsibilities of the house and the bills again.

I told him I would be back in one month or 2 ( I moved to a different country)and would be happy to go to the sollicitor and take care of everything, once and for all), He said that he would die of starvation in the meantime and that I would probably be very happy to inherit his share as well.

I didn t give in and told him that suicide threats are immature and manipulative and would not work on me. I said that I cared about him ( he, of course, accused me of having no compassion and understanding- yet he is the one who did not even call to tell me our father had passed away - ) and did not want him to suffer hunger, therefore would be happy to fly him where I am now and feed him until we can both fly back home and sign the papers that need to be signed together.
I haven t heard from him.

I know that sane people should not give in to crazy behavior.
I do not feel empowered, as what is at stake is my financial future, but I can t go on trusting that he will step up to the plate, accept his responsibilities and leave me alone for the next 30 years. By the way, the sollicitor was the one to advise me to take that route.

I have done my Anthony Robbins Power Hour. I have repeated positive messages into my head over and over. Yet, I can t seem to find peace.Part of it is because it breaks my heart that we can t get along( a fact he uses so well to manipulate me), the other part is that I am terribly angry and sad to be treated this way. I feel powerless to help him, as his rancor and bitterness towards me has been proved many times during these dark months. I know that I cannot trust him.

Part of me is worried that he will hurt himself, part of me is worried that he will hurt me and act like a 2 years old who didn t get what he wanted.

Now, there is a way for both of us to have a positive outcome to this: and it is to sign the paperwork that needs to be signed and move on with our lives. This is what I asked him to do.

I used my brain to not get dragged into the emotional blackmail, yet, I am flooded with strong emotions of anxiety and grief.The only control I have over the situation is to say stop.

I know that toxic people are master manipulators.

Hopefully someone exterior to the situation will be able to find some wisdom to impart.

[Dan.Linehan]

There's a lot going on in your post.

First off, your brother has a legal right to dispute the will, and that's that. His right to contest is outside of your sphere of influence, unless you can somehow change the law.

Beyond that, when you ask him to sign a document saying that he won't dispute the inheritence you're re-enforcing two things:

a. His idea that he has something that he can hold over you when he really doesn't.
b. His idea that you don't care about him, only about the money.

On a practical note, what makes you think that he could afford to contest the will for years when he hardly has money for food? Or drugs? How would he get the money for a lawyer? Let alone the means or discipline to "wait it out" for four years.

And on an emotional note, it's really too bad that you can't to find out what's going on in your brother's life, or actually try to help him instead of just coercing money from him, or try to figure out the root cause is of what's screwing him up. But it seems like he won't let you help. It sounds like he's in a bad spot and needs rehab.

Either way, stop worrying about the money, there's pretty much nothing you can do about it. If you are going to worry about anything, worry about your brother. I like how you offered to fly him out to feed him. That's way better than giving an addict cash.