When to have a baby - for the women of the forum.

[Gracestars]

I seem to be surrounded by pregnancy, birth and newborns lately!

A good friend gave birth today, and another recently confided that she is pregnant. There has been a lot of chatter amongst my friends in general about pregnancy lately, and it's got me thinking...

What would/did you consider the right or ideal time to have a baby?

How important is financial security and being with the right partner when deciding to get pregnant?

If you were to get pregnant by accident, would you continue the pregnancy or terminate? What if you were single? What if you had not yet achieved the things you thought you needed to before having a baby - marriage, travel, career etc? What if you were not as financially secure as you would like?

[180]

Actually before you mentioned it in your post,

I was going to say that research finds that women are more affected by the timing of child births from their friends and social circles than by biological clocks or prime environmental factors.

Interesting that you wrote about it.

Generally though, doctors recommend that optimal fertilization periods are before 35. Any later and the risk of low fertilization and complications rises.

The earlier the better. According to gynecologists 25 is optimal. Although, with the current economic situations of recent grads that's not exactly doable, not to mention women have their careers to consider.

[Lovable]

I'm 26, have yet to find the future father of my babies. Or maybe I have but don't know it yet.. hehe.

A huge number of friends and colleagues have started families this year, I don't feel clucky, in fact it's the opposite. Babies are wonderful and I am happy for all my friends but I see and hear all the frustration that goes with raising and caring for them that I am not ready, obviously.

If I were to list my ideal situation for my own decision to make a baby it would be with the right man, emotionally and spiritually. I would feel the desire to procreate with him. I, well WE would be financially comfortable by our own terms of 'comfortability' and I would be ready in the 'life stage' sense; travelled to a point of contentment, have a house set up and at the right point in my and his career so we can really enjoy it and be truly 'ready'. I suppose this is the cliched response!

If I fell pregnant accidentally, single or not I think at the time I'd know my answer.

[Red Willow]

I knew I really wanted a child when I was in my early 20's. None of my friends had or were even thinking about kids, but I so wanted to be a mother. So I found the guy and made it happen at age 26. I chose him subconsciously because he would be good "provider" material.

Now that we have the kids and they are past the infancy/toddler stages, our marriage has pretty much deteriorated to nothing. Sometimes it just seems like some relationships are meant for having children, and once that's done, it's time to reevaluate.

Anyway, families happen in all shapes and sizes, and I don't think anyone can say what's better or worse. Are you considering parenting solo? Many women (and men!) do it and have wonderful experiences. I don't think you do need to wait for the perfect partner, though having a solid support system is pretty important. As for money, yes babies cost. They don't cost so much in terms of material things (at least at first), but if you must work, then childcare could eat a huge chunk of your paycheck.

Also, you can travel with babies and children!! I took my daughter on a trip to Italy when she was 4 months old. And we have traveled so much since then. Sure, crazy exotic travel where you expose your child to malaria and water-borne illnesses might not be great, but still, travel is definitely a possibility. I'm planning on taking my daughter (now 5) on a trip to Iceland soon.

[Gracestars]

I suppose I'm pretty traditional when it comes to my ideal context for having a child - married, happy in my relationship, debts paid off (I already have a secure job and career). I've done some travel, but I'd like to do more, and I'd like to complete another degree first too.

I grew up in a single parent family, and while I think my mum did an amazing job juggling work, a life, and me, I wouldn't want to do it the same, and she wouldn't want that for me either.

For me a baby would be the ultimate product of my love shared with another human being, the man I choose to share my life with, and after having made a commitment to live that life lovingly together. Of course life doesn't always turn out just as we might envision, but it would be nice.

The friend who gave birth today was married only 6 months or so before they fell pregnant. They live on a charming property in the country and both have solid careers. They chose each other fully and had a lovely ceremony in her parents large and leafy country backyard. I think that's a rather lovely and inspiring life-unfolding.

[aelle]

Yay for babies! A bunch of my friends have gotten on the marriage/baby track recently too, and it's funny to see that it makes some people really excited, and some really nervous!

Originally Posted by Gracestars

What would/did you consider the right or ideal time to have a baby?

I'd say a time when you 1. know you really want a baby, 2. know you can be a good parent (for me this includes financial security, emotional stability, having done enough with my life that my kids can be proud of me and see me as a role model) and 3. having a partner who you know will be a good parent.

How important is financial security and being with the right partner when deciding to get pregnant?

Quite important, but financial security can mean plenty of different things. It can mean having achieved pure financial independence, as in having your own house and enough in the bank to support yourself for the next few years - quite unlikely for most people! It can mean having a tight support network (partner, family, friends) that will help you if things get hard. It can mean having invested enough in your education and career that you know you can always land on your feet.

Similarly, "right partner" can mean: good genetic material, ideal parent, husband, or simply someone who you know will be a good thing to have in your life for the next 20 years, even if your relationship changes.

Originally Posted by Gracestars

If you were to get pregnant by accident, would you continue the pregnancy or terminate? What if you were single? What if you had not yet achieved the things you thought you needed to before having a baby - marriage, travel, career etc? What if you were not as financially secure as you would like?

Now that I am out of school I would keep it, for sure. Rationally, I have not achieved everything I would prefer to have before starting a family, but emotionally I really want a baby so if it was there, I'd keep it. Besides, if the sucker manages to overcome the 99.91% success rate of my BC there's something to be said for this kind of tenacity!

Also, I certainly don't think that having a kid necessarily implies getting a volvo, a mortgage and a labrador. I have seen people around me raise children successfully in all kinds of offbeat circumstances. I have no intention of stopping travelling once I am a mother (although obviously it will be different), or having a social life, or volunteering, or anything else. I think many things in life would be a great adventure to undertake with your children, and a fabulous chance for them to experience it so young.

ETA: nowadays over 50% of the children born in France are born of non married parents - most of them in committed relationships, just not married. The idea of marriage isn't that important to me, but since I have a pretty international life, I wouldn't risk raising children without that sort of universally recognized legal protection.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by 180

Actually before you mentioned it in your post,

I was going to say that research finds that women are more affected by the timing of child births from their friends and social circles than by biological clocks or prime environmental factors.

This is interesting. It does seem that I've reached an age where many women around me are either having or considering having children. Some aren't, mind you, but does almost seem contagious sometimes. Baby fever!

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

I seem to be surrounded by pregnancy, birth and newborns lately!

A good friend gave birth today, and another recently confided that she is pregnant. There has been a lot of chatter amongst my friends in general about pregnancy lately, and it's got me thinking...

That is generally the case with the women I know. Someone else has a bay bay, suddenly baby lust abounds. Then they come spend some time with my toddler and leave immediately to renew their birth control prescription. LMAO.

What would/did you consider the right or ideal time to have a baby?

There isn't one. According to the women I know who currently have children. According to the women I know who do not have children, there is a perfect time. You can tell which group I fall in line with...

How important is financial security and being with the right partner when deciding to get pregnant?

These are things you can try to control but ultimately you can't. Nearly 70% of marriages end in divorce nowadays, so I don't think it's realistic to enter into marriage with the assumption that it will be for life, although that's just my opinion.

Every mother in the playgroup we attended when my son was an infant is now divorced, except for 1. Another is still married to her husband but she tolerates his serial cheating while she finishes her graduate program. Oh, well.

Another couple - both lost their jobs in the space of 2 months recently. They went from having their own home and a time share in the bahamas, two vehicles, a boat - to living in the grandmother's basement with their 2 kids. You just can't control these things, and to be honest, they are still happy and loving. Losing money did not destroy their souls or will to live. LOL.

If you were to get pregnant by accident, would you continue the pregnancy or terminate? What if you were single?

Never, but that is my personal belief. Been pregnant 4 times, 1 live birth. I owe it to my angel babies.

Being single or married does not factor into my equations; I don't believe in the institution of marriage, I don't think it's a very functional one at this point in time.

What if you had not yet achieved the things you thought you needed to before having a baby - marriage, travel, career etc? What if you were not as financially secure as you would like?

Tough nuts. Marriage, travel, even career are trivial matters. You can get married, travel, and have a career after you give birth. It's not like your brain stops being functional once you've had a child.

Financial security is one thing I've never had to worry about and I have been blessed in that regard. I don't worry about money, whether I have some to spend at the time or not, but I realize that this is a huge issue for a lot of people and that my personal philosophy about money is very unusual.

But it's interesting to remember how rigid I was ideologically about having kids before I actually dealt with the messy/fun reality of them - and to see it reflected in other women.

Just know that everything you assume now is probably going to be completely changed into another reality once you do have a child.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

What would/did you consider the right or ideal time to have a baby?

There is no ideal time; as long as one is somewhat able (and willing) to support a child (emotionally, financially, physically etc), then any time is as good as any other.

How important is financial security and being with the right partner when deciding to get pregnant?

It's important. I wanted to have 2 kids at least, but about 2 years into my marriage I decided I didn't want another child by him. Although he was financially ok, he just didn't measure up to my standards of my expectations for a dad. There's a difference between a father and a dad IMO.

If you were to get pregnant by accident, would you continue the pregnancy or terminate?

Depends, since my boyfriend is fixed, this is unlikely to happen, haha, but, if he weren't and I got pregnant, I would keep it. I always kid him that he did it wrong cuz his child would've been a gorgeous genius!

What if you were single? What if you had not yet achieved the things you thought you needed to before having a baby - marriage, travel, career etc? What if you were not as financially secure as you would like?

Do you mean single as in not married? Or single as in not in a LT committed relationship? I ask because, even if I was married, I was pretty much a single mom from the get go. My husband worked 9-10 months a year away from home. So being married IMO is no assurance that you aren't going to be singly raising a child (however, I always like to acknowledge that financially, I wasn't single of course).

Raising a child has been pretty much the most challenging yet rewarding thing I've ever done (and it seems to get more so!). If I had my ideal choice, I'd prefer to have someone/people helping that are as equally invested in raising the child as I am (even if that person were my mother). Raising a child as a single mom has been emotionally and mentally tough, not to mention really physically exhausting at times, especially before the age of 4'ish.

As for travel, career and what not, I've never met anyone under the age of 65 that said, "I've done all the traveling I've desired, my career is so set, etc etc that now there's nothing left other than to have children". IOW, if you really desire to have kids, and you let these things determine when you will have the child, you'll be too old before this can happen. Children ARE an inconvenience (re:careers, travel etc) and you just have to learn how to work the balance into your life.

Grace, I know that when your friends start having children, it can start to cause peer pressure. Up to you, for me, if I had a choice between raising a child singly or having no child at all, I'd still choose raising a child singly. It's worth it and I'd do it again.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by Lovable

I'm 26, have yet to find the future father of my babies. Or maybe I have but don't know it yet.. hehe.

I'm 26 too, and my ideal vision sounds pretty similar to yours. Only difference is I suppose I'm slowly starting to get clucky. I emphasise slowly because while I've always wanted children I haven't had it as near the forefront of my mind before. There's just simply been too much else to experience first. I've also never particularly gotten clucky over other people's children if even thinking they were cute. It's only quite recently that the idea of a happy young family is starting sound pretty appealing. So I guess I'm getting closer to wanting to start one for myself.

I'm pro-choice (but I don't want this to turn into a pro-choice/life debate please) so the mere fact of pregnancy has never been the sole determining factor. I guess I wonder if I were to fall pregnant now that I am closer to really feeling ready if I would go through with it. It would almost seem wrong at this stage of my life not to, yet I've still got a while to go before it would really seem right.

[gigij]

There is no one right time for having a baby – but here is my experience anyway. I had three children in my twenties – first at 24 last at 29.

As far as waiting until you have achieved what you want – getting your life in order first – I’m going to dissent a little there What if having a baby is part of getting your life in order? If that is one of the things you want out of life I don’t see any need to wait until you have reached a certain point. For me it was part of getting to that point. Life as you know it doesn’t end when you have a baby. I will admit that I wasn’t particularly career oriented. Throughout the years I was raising my children I worked in accounting at fairly lower level jobs that were flexible enough to afford me lots of time with my family. Only in my early 40’s did I come to my true path or passion career wise, and am working towards that now. Had I waited … well … it would have been too late. It is never too late to start a new career – but it can be too late to start a family. I know plenty of women who had their children early and built great careers later in life. My aunt started medical school at 38 when her kids were finishing up high school, and is now in her late 50’s and a thoracic surgeon. Her children are very proud of her.

And while we don’t travel much that has nothing to do with the children. We’re just more into the outdoorsy stuff – camping, canoing, waterskiing, swimming at the lake – so we bought a place on a lake near here and built a summer cottage – so our kids were raised doing all that stuff. They pitched in with the building too.

It was important to me to find the right partner to do it with. But I was lucky that he came to me young and we just jumped right in. And your relationship doesn’t have to suffer. If you have the same or similar goals you can grow together. I can honestly say that we never felt a disconnect or loss of intimacy due to having children – we always made time for each other – and always had lots of love and passion and sex throughout all those years.

I'm 45 now and my children are 16 - 21. I have a great relationship with all of them and can honestly say that now that they are pretty much 'grown up' I am really looking forward to the next chapter in my life. And I am happy that I had them early and am still young enough to have lots of time ahead of me - both to share with them as young adults - and to pursue my own adventures.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by Red Willow

Also, you can travel with babies and children!! I took my daughter on a trip to Italy when she was 4 months old. And we have traveled so much since then. Sure, crazy exotic travel where you expose your child to malaria and water-borne illnesses might not be great, but still, travel is definitely a possibility. I'm planning on taking my daughter (now 5) on a trip to Iceland soon.

This is an important reminder. I suppose I like malaria-and-water-borne-illness-risk type of travel - travelling India has been one of my most amazing experiences to date - but I get your point, and it's a goodie.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

What would/did you consider the right or ideal time to have a baby?

Ideally? When it is being planned... Or when you have enough resources (support, finances, caring, etc.) to know you can handle it even if it is a little surprise.

On the other hand I think it is also a perfectly natural experience, that humans can simply complicate, so I think even a surprise is doable and can bring you joy.

Originally Posted by Gracestars

How important is financial security and being with the right partner when deciding to get pregnant?

For me that would be pretty important.

If you were to get pregnant by accident, would you continue the pregnancy or terminate? What if you were single? What if you had not yet achieved the things you thought you needed to before having a baby - marriage, travel, career etc? What if you were not as financially secure as you would like?

I am, like you, pro-choice. But then I also think if it were literally happening to me, I would have a tough time terminating. I like the notion of choice but then I would want to choose based in love. Like maybe even if it didn't fit my neat plans it would still fit my higher self's plans if it happened. I think most folks prefer the idea of planned and expected pregnancy, but I think the key in the end is what you do with what you get. Single parenthood is obviously harder but I have mad respect for single moms, especially the ones who do their best to let their child(ren) have a perception of life being easy until they are older. (Like instead of putting that sense of burden onto the child.)

I was just talking to someone yesterday about how the modern approach to family and child-rearing seems a bit counter to what works better. Like back in the day the child was raised by everyone in the community, shared education and shared fulfillment of duties associated with raising the child. I bet that worked out to be more sanity for everyone involved, and I bet the children grew up with a richer view of the world instead of only getting a close glimpse at one or two people's approach to life. Nowadays, I bet that the average parent would look at me crazy if I offered to join in the rearing experience (especially a neoconservative who would likely want to further that worldview in their youngun').

[gigij]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

If you were to get pregnant by accident, would you continue the pregnancy or terminate?

Baby #3 actually

My only daughter and the greatest joy of my life. (Thank you universe for that little surprise.)

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by rei

I was just talking to someone yesterday about how the modern approach to family and child-rearing seems a bit counter to what works better. Like back in the day the child was raised by everyone in the community, shared education and shared fulfillment of duties associated with raising the child. I bet that worked out to be more sanity for everyone involved, and I bet the children grew up with a richer view of the world instead of only getting a close glimpse at one or two people's approach to life. Nowadays, I bet that the average parent would look at me crazy if I offered to join in the rearing experience (especially a neoconservative who would likely want to further that worldview in their youngun').

This is the traditional nuclear family view on parenting.

People who are into attachment parenting don't go this route, though. In my community of moms, we have a village. We parent each others' children, watch each others' children....

I have 3 kids not related to me who call me mama laks.

But I do admit that we do not interact with traditional type parents at all. The ones I try to befriend, we always just stop hanging out because our philosophies and eventually our childrens' behaviors start to be very very different.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi

This is the traditional nuclear family view on parenting.

People who are into attachment parenting don't go this route, though. In my community of moms, we have a village. We parent each others' children, watch each others' children....

I have 3 kids not related to me who call me mama laks.

But I do admit that we do not interact with traditional type parents at all. The ones I try to befriend, we always just stop hanging out because our philosophies and eventually our childrens' behaviors start to be very very different.

That's pretty sweet. I am fond of attachment parenting. I have lately been reflecting on my personal stance on children. If/when I have one, I like the idea of going with attachment parenting. Wonder how it would impact working outside the home to use that model (like would you need longer time at home, is it even doable if you work outside the home, etc.)...

[Gracestars]

LL, MG and gigij, it's cool to hear your personal stories and outlooks re motherhood. Cheers for that.

I realise I might be sounding a bit naive, and I have no doubt my life and the way I view it will change dramatically once I actually become mother. Thinking about it in this way is sort of a new thing for me though, so I guess I'm curious and thoughtful about it.

I don't feel pressure from friends at all though... there are a many who are still far too preoccupied getting degrees, or planning trips, or getting high to even think about motherhood. The baby buzz around me actually feels more like synchronicity than it does pressure, funnily enough.

[James81]

My youngest will be 18 when I am 42.

The way I viewed it was, there are so many people who wait to have children until they are in their 30's because they want to experience the world on their own a bit before they do that. They want to travel or what no and just "have fun."

The way I reasoned it was, I'm going to be far more capable financially to travel and experience the world at 40 than I ever was at 20. So, I decided that it made more sense to me to have my kids young, enjoy the heck out of them while I have all my own youthful energy, and then when I'm older I can shift my focus towards travel and experience when it makes more financial sense.

However, given the nature of my relationship with my kids and the fact that I only get them on a schedule (and sometimes I get them more than that), I'm able to experience the best of both worlds now. That is, I get to be a father and to enjoy my kids, but I also have the opportunities to go travel a bit on my own too. And I also get the opportunity to take them with me if I want and go do things to supplement that "inner" kid in me (like Chuck E Cheese and amusement parks) .

Now that I'm bearing down on my 30's, I've found myself wondering if I really would like to have another kid or not (knowing full well that a new relationship with a woman the idea of that is going to come up). I'm kind of erring on the side of getting the ole "snip snip and a bag of peas on my croch for a week" right now, though. But no definative decision.

I kind of like the idea that my kids will be grown when I'm still relatively young. Can't wait to see what another decade brings.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by rei

Ideally? When it is being planned... Or when you have enough resources (support, finances, caring, etc.) to know you can handle it even if it is a little surprise.

On the other hand I think it is also a perfectly natural experience, that humans can simply complicate, so I think even a surprise is doable and can bring you joy.

For me that would be pretty important.
I am, like you, pro-choice. But then I also think if it were literally happening to me, I would have a tough time terminating. I like the notion of choice but then I would want to choose based in love. Like maybe even if it didn't fit my neat plans it would still fit my higher self's plans if it happened. I think most folks prefer the idea of planned and expected pregnancy, but I think the key in the end is what you do with what you get. Single parenthood is obviously harder but I have mad respect for single moms, especially the ones who do their best to let their child(ren) have a perception of life being easy until they are older. (Like instead of putting that sense of burden onto the child.)

I was just talking to someone yesterday about how the modern approach to family and child-rearing seems a bit counter to what works better. Like back in the day the child was raised by everyone in the community, shared education and shared fulfillment of duties associated with raising the child. I bet that worked out to be more sanity for everyone involved, and I bet the children grew up with a richer view of the world instead of only getting a close glimpse at one or two people's approach to life. Nowadays, I bet that the average parent would look at me crazy if I offered to join in the rearing experience (especially a neoconservative who would likely want to further that worldview in their youngun').

As per usual, rei, I agree , and I like the bit about the surprise bringing you joy.

The existing support I have in my life would be tremendous, but I do have rather little family, and perhaps that feeds into the greater why's of not yet feeling ready. Mainly, that I am not yet ready to give up certain aspects of my life, to have to be so available to another person. Just thinking about it with such seriousness rouses the selfish kid in me! But again, I'm sure that would shift once it became reality.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by James81

My youngest will be 18 when I am 42.

The way I viewed it was, there are so many people who wait to have children until they are in their 30's because they want to experience the world on their own a bit before they do that. They want to travel or what no and just "have fun."

The way I reasoned it was, I'm going to be far more capable financially to travel and experience the world at 40 than I ever was at 20. So, I decided that it made more sense to me to have my kids young, enjoy the heck out of them while I have all my own youthful energy, and then when I'm older I can shift my focus towards travel and experience when it makes more financial sense.

Hey, good point here, James. Makes sense.

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Well - my Dad was 50 when I was born. He was fantastic. I loved having an older, wiser, experienced Dad who had awesome stories to tell about his life traveling all over the world. The richness he experienced and absorbed was gifted to my siblings and I. I could sit with him and talk for hours, even when I was only 5 years old.

I loved having an older Dad.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by aelle

I'd say a time when you 1. know you really want a baby, 2. know you can be a good parent (for me this includes financial security, emotional stability, having done enough with my life that my kids can be proud of me and see me as a role model) and 3. having a partner who you know will be a good parent.

Agreed with one addition:

3b. or being capable and willing to do this on your own.


As for me, I want to have a baby like Yesterday! but that is hormones talking When I was younger and started to have sex (at 16) I knew I would have an abortion if it would come to being pregnant. However, as soon as I finished my first school where I knew I could have a relatively good job to support myself and a baby, that changed. And although I still didn't want a baby, I knew I would keep it if it would happen.

Now, I'm preparing mentally and emotionally and physically as good as I can to get ready for a baby in our lives..

Our financial situation isn't perfect yet, but looking up. And I think if you want to wait until everything is "perfect" it won't happen

I know we have enough money for the basics and to save for schools and stuff. And that is important. Not if they will have every single toy in the toy store or not.

[danas]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

I seem to be surrounded by pregnancy, birth and newborns lately!

Me too!! I came home after 1 year away to find 4 pregnant gfs! (2 were single when I left)

What would/did you consider the right or ideal time to have a baby?

Whenever you get pregnant (as long as you are not too young) and are in a relationship with a man you love and trust.
That would be my personal choice, I dont think its right for everyone. I simply know that Im not the kind who wishes to have a baby without a father

How important is financial security and being with the right partner when deciding to get pregnant?

For me financial security wouldnt be an issue if I was with the right partner. Babies need love, not money

If you were to get pregnant by accident, would you continue the pregnancy or terminate? What if you were single? What if you had not yet achieved the things you thought you needed to before having a baby - marriage, travel, career etc? What if you were not as financially secure as you would like?

I would keep it. After a certain age (30) I dont think its smart to have an abortion if you know you want kids.

I am 37. this week Im going to see a gynecologist about freezing my ovules. Wish me luck

[NexusOfCompletion]

Originally Posted by James81

The way I reasoned it was, I'm going to be far more capable financially to travel and experience the world at 40 than I ever was at 20. So, I decided that it made more sense to me to have my kids young, enjoy the heck out of them while I have all my own youthful energy, and then when I'm older I can shift my focus towards travel and experience when it makes more financial sense.

Truly great thinking here as I can attest to this. I have very young parents, my mom had me when she was 20 and my dad wasn't much older. I love my parents dearly and I think because of them being young we are able to enjoy our youthful energy together, making family life playful and loving. I saw some of my friends older parents and I thought about how BORING they seemed.

And exactly like you said, now that my parents are empty nesters, they travel all the time (being financially and energetically capable). Granted my parents worked their asses off in raising us, they are now getting the well deserved travel and luxury they deserve.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

This is an important reminder. I suppose I like malaria-and-water-borne-illness-risk type of travel - travelling India has been one of my most amazing experiences to date - but I get your point, and it's a goodie.

Even then, as long as your kid is old enough to have had his shots, it's fair game (with a bit of planning). When I was living in Malaysia a friend came to visit me with her infant son. They were very careful about sun exposure, and as for water borne illnesses, the parents followed standard precautions and the kid was on the boob around the clock. No biggies.

I took a plane for the first time at 6 months and for the first time as an unaccompanied minor at 4. Honestly, it's not that I'd make do with travel and children. It's that I can't wait to hike with a babe on my back, to see them experience food from all over the world and grow up multilingual

[Christo]

I think once you've had kids, your perspective changes. Well, it has to by necessity. Suddenly any thoughts of the perfect timing, goes out the window, even when you picked what you though was the perfect time.

Any money is suddenly not enough. Any plans, suddenly and quite strangely, don't meet the needs you had originally planned them for.

Any kind of measure or thing you formally used becomes dysfunctional.

I guess what I'm saying is, after having one, "when to" becomes a mute point.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by Red Willow

I knew I really wanted a child when I was in my early 20's. None of my friends had or were even thinking about kids, but I so wanted to be a mother. So I found the guy and made it happen at age 26. I chose him subconsciously because he would be good "provider" material.

Now that we have the kids and they are past the infancy/toddler stages, our marriage has pretty much deteriorated to nothing. Sometimes it just seems like some relationships are meant for having children, and once that's done, it's time to reevaluate.

Oooh this really resonates for me... I'm in the same sort of situation. In fact, my husband has said to me "I think now that we've had kids you don't want me anymore, you just used me for that purpose." That's not true, and it's definitely not what I felt at the time... but now...??!!

Anyway... for me I wanted kids when I was in my early 20s too... my husband wanted to wait a bit longer (he was studying his Ph.D), but I accidentally became pregnant and after that, it made sense to keep going with our family! (I was 25 when I had my first child, and 28 when I had my third).

Financially? We weren't that well off at the time...and I really had no career to speak of (was doing a course at the time), and I haven't really travelled since then either. Part of that was financial, of course. However, I can't imagine taking an international flight or whatever with a newborn and a couple of toddlers!! Now the kids are getting older, and my finances are improving, travel is becoming more of a reality.

Not only that, but by the time my kids are adults, I won't be so old myself, and I'll still be able to enjoy travel etc.

[curiouslyrandom]

Originally Posted by Christo

I think once you've had kids, your perspective changes. Well, it has to by necessity. Suddenly any thoughts of the perfect timing, goes out the window, even when you picked what you though was the perfect time.

Any money is suddenly not enough. Any plans, suddenly and quite strangely, don't meet the needs you had originally planned them for.

Any kind of measure or thing you formally used becomes dysfunctional.

I guess what I'm saying is, after having one, "when to" becomes a mute point.

Amen to that.

[votoshka]

Originally Posted by James81

Now that I'm bearing down on my 30's, I've found myself wondering if I really would like to have another kid or not (knowing full well that a new relationship with a woman the idea of that is going to come up). I'm kind of erring on the side of getting the ole "snip snip and a bag of peas on my croch for a week" right now, though. But no definative decision.

I kind of like the idea that my kids will be grown when I'm still relatively young. Can't wait to see what another decade brings.

Find yourself a girlfriend with a couple of kids of her own and it won't be an issue The only problem is when single dads marry women without kids, is often the women want kids of their own too (of course, there are other scenarios - like a woman who doesn't want kids of her own but loves yours, or a woman who can't have kids of her own).

I have a bit of a fear that if I were to end up a single mother I wouldn't be able to find another guy cause he wouldn't necessarily like the fact I have kids already (okay, not all guys are like that )... and figured it'd just be easier to meet a single dad who's not going to care

[curiouslyrandom]

I hate being a single parent most of the time, but it does give me a lot of personal freedom.

When we lived with my kids' step dad, he was really involved with the kids and helped out as much as he could for about 5 years. Unfortunately, he was also too immature to really be a permanent parent and walked out on us twice. I told him this wasn't baseball and he didn't get a third strike.

These days I find myself looking for older men, especially if they already have kids. Those guys tend to have maturity and responsibility down more than most single guys do. They also have a lot of respect for single mothers, because they've had to be single parents, too.