Where is my place in this world?

[TheKernel]

First of all. I have to thank steve for this amazing website. Its's really helpfull.

I often wonder where is my place in this world. My parents always tell me things like: "That's no reason to be thinking, you must be crazy!". I'll tell why I wonder this. The fact is that actualy i'm alone... or i feel alone at least. I don't have people that I can say they are friends of mine. And things with girls, just dont work. I like womans but, I don't understand them. However, no tall womans, I don't have problems to talk to, for instance, my teacher, or someone who is older than me. And it's hard to me to understand people some times. I know people around me is always thinking for themselves, I think all of them are thinking for themselves: who are you, what can you do for me, what kind of person you are.... that's what I suppose they should be thinking because no one wants to meet people just to meet. I had social problems since I was child. No one seems to share or respect things I do, things I like, or my thoughs.

I don't know how I should continue this post because it would be very big, but what I can say is that actualy I'm alone, I'm so shy that is really hard to me to fight against that handicap so I seldom met new people. Just say, one people each 2 years. I'm studying computer science, I like videogames, and I would like to design them. But at the time, I just coded a single pong clone.

I was full of doubts and I tried what steve wrote here: How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes
I tried it to find something to focus, to know that I should have some purpose in my life more than wakeup-gotocomputerscienceclass-dohomework-sleep or wakeup-dosomethingtowastetime-sleep.

And this was the FULL result, I can't wrote more than this:

What is my true purpose in my life?

To make people happy and to be happy myself.

To make people forget their worries. And my worries too.

To make people happy with each other.

To make human relationships more pleasant.

And to make human relationships easy made.

After that two sentences all was about the same, like an endless loop.

I don't know what this means, because I don't cried, no tears, but I wont say that I wasn't feeling something emotional.

Sorry, if I can't explain myself better, I don't have a good english.

[Entelechy]

Hi TheKernel,

It takes some people longer than others to figure out their purpose in life - it's nothing to feel bad about. Life isn't a race.

I'm going to ask you a question that may help you out: what would you spend your time doing if you had $100 million?

[Kurtzilla]

The Kernel, we all have pupose in life. What you need to do is to look and find your true passion in life. What excites you? What makes your mind race with excitement? What makes you happy? Start the search there and continue on. I know plenty of people in their 40's, who still don't know what they want to do in life. Follow your heart and the rest wil fall in place. Remember, Mind Over Matter, Really Does Matter.
FERTILIZE YOUR MIND - It's Where Mind Over Matter, Really Does Matter.
It's Where Mind Over Matter, Really Does Matter.

[TheKernel]

With money? Nothing that would fix my problem. I can't figure out where is the solution using money. May be, I would spend time traveling, and try to learn lots of things about the world that actualy without money I can't. But, really I don't know what to do with money. All people that had money, as far as I know have done one of these things: Spend it all in expensive cars, crash them, buy big houses, try drugs, buy "all" with money... bad idea at least for me. Other is just live... no luxury cars but good ones, and go to work. And other people plays with money investing in stock market.

And about if the life is a race or not... I don't know the point of view of that sentence, I'm not trying to be better than anyone, but the time is running, that is a fact, and I don't want to see me being 70 and asking myself what I have done that it's worth, or who I have meet in my life. For instance, I don't want to be asked like "hey, have you done something funny when you were young?" -"Yes, I was programming and when I allocated memory I made Windows 98 crash." For me that would be funny, but no one likes it. That is why I wonder "where is my place in this world?" There are people who enjoys football, all kinds of sports, physics, and other sciences, but not computer science. The people who says they are computer scientists don't enjoy it, or they are not social.

[scotthegeek]

this is just my own opinion its great that you trying to find your life passion but it hard to do that if your depress? I know a lot of what your going through. don't have friends and don't understand girls. until you have a feeling of connection with people and can feel safe. it hard to doing anything that would be fulfilling. Things don't make you feel better and its nice to travel but if you are doing it alone and have no one to share it with.

Do you eat right and exercise? I don't know that my place in this word is but a want to be dating because I miss out on that and I feel I need to explore that but I got of track on my diet and exercise.

You might not know where you are going but its good to build a good launching pad. start with the basic of diet and exercise you have direct control over and social connection maybe harder. but its importance to have friends that can't give support when you get of track.

Scott

[TheKernel]

I think I eat right, but the exercise. Since some months I barely go out of home, so I don't do any exercise. But I know that's not the root of the problem. That's true, when you say if I don't have a connection with people and feel fine with that, is hard to do anything. About depression, sometimes I am depressed but as you can read, I can't avoid it. I don't feel fine being alone, and I don't know how to "reconnect". Sometimes I think that I'm becoming a bit obsessive about having to meet people, because being alone is nothing good for me.

[NexusOfCompletion]

As a fellow human being on the path of life I just have to say...Don't fret.

"The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is
that a warrior takes everything as a challenge, while an ordinary
man takes everything as a blessing or as a curse."

"If a warrior is to succeed in anything, the success must come
gently, with a great deal of effort but with no stress or obsession."

Carlos Castaneda

[Andrew Gubb]

Hey The Kernel, you say you feel lonely?

Are you a guy who rejects authority strongly, too?

Do you have a problem with rules which you perceive as meaningless?

Do you seem a little "ADD" (attention deficit disorder) ... like you can't focus on something for long, unless it is really interesting to you, in which case you can focus on it for hours and forget about anything else?

Do you feel like you're "not from here"?

There's a reason I ask this

[TheKernel]

Good one Nexus. In fact, that's one of the point of views I use to overcome everyday problems. Problem = challenge... like a game. But it does not work when difficulty level is so high But I think you are right, I have to avoid being obsessve or stressed. Not easy anyway. :S

Andrew.... about your questions, i'm a bit curious why you ask all of that. Because all answers is almost yes. About authority, I dont have problems with authority, but with higher things over authority. I don't have problems with rules (in mind), but I don't know which kind of rules you ask for. I don't seem ADD, I have ADD which makes things difficult, but sometimes I know how to handle my focus, other times don't...
And I definitely feel like I'm not from here since lot of time hahahah

[larkok]

Personally, I feel that everyone's purpose in life is to be happy, and that usually comes from being passionate about something. An idea, a hobby, a relationship, your job, etc.

Think inwardly before you start focusing on external things. What do YOU enjoy doing? Then do it. Immerse yourself in it, find a way to make a living off of it if you can.

If you aren't sure what it is that you might be passionate about, then that's something you will need to discover first before you can set goals regarding relationships.

Build a good relationship with yourself first, and everything will gradually fall into place.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by TheKernel

Andrew.... about your questions, i'm a bit curious why you ask all of that. Because all answers is almost yes. About authority, I dont have problems with authority, but with higher things over authority. I don't have problems with rules (in mind), but I don't know which kind of rules you ask for. I don't seem ADD, I have ADD which makes things difficult, but sometimes I know how to handle my focus, other times don't...
And I definitely feel like I'm not from here since lot of time hahahah

Well one of my missions is to look out for indigos, and I think you might be one. We often have the issue of feeling alone even among people, because there are parts of us which others don't recognise or understand. Check out this article: Indigo Children Resources ? Andrew Gubb's Blog

Scroll down to "Resources For Indigo Children/Adult Identification" and see if you feel identified in the articles I link to.

[TheKernel]

:S Never heard about indigos... I was making research about it on internet, and I don't know why I fit in almost all of descriptions about indigos. Highly sensitive, yes. Apart from my computer science studies I do make music too (well I would like to say Im a real musician, like one from an academy but I know how to make music because I learned from myself, doing it at my own way.). I've read some articles you wrote in your blog, but I'm still unsure what exactly an indigo is, and if I am really one and the characteristics of an indigo seems to me normal: "We are gifted with extra power, extra intuition, energy, healing ability, talents, creativity, intelligence and passion"
I used to believe that I have creativity, power, intuition, intelligence. If you had told me when I was 13 years old that I was an indigo, probably i will believe that. But not now, when I see that all the people I believed were not taking right ways to do things are now fine with themselves and even having success, and I'm not having anything of that.
They are playing the game after all, I refused to do it.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by TheKernel

They are playing the game after all, I refused to do it.

Oh you are *so* indigo

I quit school just before the last exams to make a point.

I do okay now though, I do English classes for Spanish people my own way, don't have to pay an employer or the govt.

Your lonliness will go away when you find people of your own kind to spend time with. They'll help you understand who you are, asides other things.

Where are you from?

[Andrew Gubb]

PS just because you can't do what others do doesn't mean you're not as intelligent as them. You're just more demanding. You won't do what goes against your internal code. That's fine. You just need to look for the right way you can get things to work for you.

Lots of indigos ask, "Am I crazy or is the world crazy?"

The world is crazy. Trust me.

[TheKernel]

Thanks for help Andrew

I'm from spain.
So you think I'm indigo... I will have to research more about that tag if that will drive me to meet people of my own kind.
Funny question that indigo people ask you. I was thinking about that question and it's answer, but I don't know why I am wondering lots of things around it. So for know the real meaning of what do you think I would like to ask you the same one but in a different way: Am I crazy? Is the world crazy?

If by answering both questions you answer "yes" I will understand what I though, If not, may be I'm missing something

[Bradshaw]

Originally Posted by TheKernel

Thanks for help Andrew

I'm from spain.
So you think I'm indigo... I will have to research more about that tag if that will drive me to meet people of my own kind.
Funny question that indigo people ask you. I was thinking about that question and it's answer, but I don't know why I am wondering lots of things around it. So for know the real meaning of what do you think I would like to ask you the same one but in a different way: Am I crazy? Is the world crazy?

If by answering both questions you answer "yes" I will understand what I though, If not, may be I'm missing something

Oh, wow, you're from Spain?

Where from?

[jbsmith]

What you are struggling with is likely many insecurities and defenses that you have put up -- that comes out clear in your posting.

If you were a totally confident and secure person then spending time by yourself and being a more "thinking" person than others would be fine with you -- being different, so long as you were being true to yourself, would make you happy, instead it just reinforces your sadness.

What I would do is...

1. Learn to meditate - doing this properly will allow you to set aside all of your emotions for a period of time each day and gain renewal. That way you will stop beating yourself up and begin to feel more positive. Over time, a few weeks of consistent meditation, you will find you begin to gain clarity on your inner feelings and see more clearly what you enjoy and what is holding you back

2. Improve your self-confidence...this sounds simple, but really means tackling fears head-on, understanding what causes you frustration and pain...then directly tackling that to build momentum and confidence in yourself that you really can overcome anything.

With self-confidence and the objectiveness of adding meditation to your life you will gain clarity, be able to move past paralyzing fear and be in a much better place that will attract others into your world.

Give it a try!

Jeff

[TheKernel]

Thanks jbsmith, I think you're right, and thanks to all the people who are trying to help me. I have to confess, I'm a bit better than when I wrote the first message, but that bit is a lot compared to how I was!.

Since "First binary bridge" (I call it to the past 10-10-10 and 10-11-10 days ) I was thinking, and making some conclusions, and then today, waked up as depressed as I usualy awake, I remembered what I though past days, and decided to... how to explain, may be I can say I just ignored how I was and I told myself (being still aware of what I think about all I wrote here in past posts) "This is, and will be a good day, nothing points it will be the opposite, so there is no reason to not take this day as a proof day of what I thought past days". I just drove to school, relaxed and telling myself to not overthink what I will say or do there, just hoping to feel and join the flow, and being just how I am.

The day was so successful that I think I never started a day the way today I did. I was talking with my classmates and enjoying the conversation (sooo strange for me). I have to say, when I enjoyed the conversation happened that, I changed the topic of the conversation to one I like... I don't know how exactly I did it, but I bet I can not repeat that maneuver at least today

And there is more, one of my teachers is very arrogant, and was not teaching its subject properly (well, you know, you can know about something, but hard to teach or explain... in his case, I think was one of them plus his arrogant way of be), in fact, many of my classmates think the same. We were decided to be aware of him, to not argue with him. That was a week ago, but today I think that I became a bit rebel and started to argue with him (even knowing he could suspend me whenever he wants, he does not have to pass someone to be paid). I won't write the computer scientist topics we were discusing but the fact is that in that moment all the class were discussing with him, not a "fight" just talking. He was about to end the discussion saying "I will teach the way I think I have to!" then I tell him "I think you are right in lots of things you said, but just think that if we all have problems learning this, is that here we have a big problem, not just by our side". Then he stopped a bit, and went out of the classroom. He seemed to took a little break and came again, saying the same that he will teach the way he wants but you know what? He was doing just what we asked him to do. The same things that minutes before he was not agreed to do!

I think this is a step forward for me. May be for all of you this si nothing, but I never had a morning like this.

I don't know quite how to express myself in english, but thank you very much to everyone who helped me