No experience with women

[Thales]

So, I have little to no experience (especially physically) with women, more than a few have expressed their attraction towards me, but I wonder if they are being serious sometimes. Also, I'm not sure how to read women and respond appropriately. Any tips to just being more adept with women.

[Indiana]

That's a pretty broad category of question... women are people too, you know! It's not necessarily about 'reading' women - it's about being authentic to your own feelings and acting that way. If knowing what other people were thinking or feeling was crucial to interacting with them, we'd all be screwed. (Or more accurately, none of us would be. )

What exactly do you need help with?

[Thales]

Originally Posted by Indiana

That's a pretty broad category of question... women are people too, you know! It's not necessarily about 'reading' women - it's about being authentic to your own feelings and acting that way. If knowing what other people were thinking or feeling was crucial to interacting with them, we'd all be screwed. (Or more accurately, none of us would be. )

What exactly do you need help with?

I guess I'm not sure. Although I might have fundamental problems with interacting with them. Not in a "creepy, over-touchy" kinda way. I mean it's not so much needing to know what they're thinking (that'd be a minefield), just knowing how to interact properly. I want to be friendly but not overtly so but keep the door open if a girl happens to like me.

[curiouslyrandom]

Make friends. Ask questions. Proceed.

It's really not that difficult. Just don't go assuming that every girl who smiles and makes eye contact with you is attracted to you.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Thales

I guess I'm not sure. Although I might have fundamental problems with interacting with them. Not in a "creepy, over-touchy" kinda way. I mean it's not so much needing to know what they're thinking (that'd be a minefield), just knowing how to interact properly. I want to be friendly but not overtly so but keep the door open if a girl happens to like me.

That's the problem though. You're trying to gauge and change who you are in order to "interact properly," and that type of behavior becomes really obvious to the people you interact with...and most people do no like that. It comes across as fake (because it is!) and strained and awkward.

But I also realize that when you are in this zone of trying to please people, having someone tell you "just be yourself" can feel like really useless advice.

So, I'll say to get into the practice of authentically sharing who you are, of being in touch with how you authentically feel in any given moment, and expressing that. If a few people don't like that, then you are saving yourself some headache by not having them in your life.

People are attracted to and love, first and foremost, those who are authentic and who express themselves in their own way, without worrying about whether or not it's offending somebody. That is, people LOVE an honest person...a person who shares what is exactly on their mind. (And of course, there are also people who HATE that, but you are so much better off without those types of people in your life anyway.)

[curiouslyrandom]

So, I'll say to get into the practice of authentically sharing who you are, of being in touch with how you authentically feel in any given moment, and expressing that. If a few people don't like that, then you are saving yourself some headache by not having them in your life.

Amen to that.

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by James81

But I also realize that when you are in this zone of trying to please people, having someone tell you "just be yourself" can feel like really useless advice.

Yo, this is some awesome empathetic communication right here. I know you were talking about that not too long ago, and I just felt like giving you some brownie points for this one. Acknowledging someone's emotions while offering solutions at the same time. Very effective. Hope this doesn't come off as condescending; I genuinely see this shift in you.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by Thales

So, I have little to no experience (especially physically) with women, more than a few have expressed their attraction towards me, but I wonder if they are being serious sometimes. Also, I'm not sure how to read women and respond appropriately. Any tips to just being more adept with women.

You could join a PUA group. Go to Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup and search for pua and your zip code. They could teach you to get better with women really fast.

[Thales]

Originally Posted by curiouslyrandom

Make friends. Ask questions. Proceed.

It's really not that difficult. Just don't go assuming that every girl who smiles and makes eye contact with you is attracted to you.

I never assume a girl is attracted to me. What are the legitimate signs of attraction?

[curiouslyrandom]

Originally Posted by Thales

I never assume a girl is attracted to me. What are the legitimate signs of attraction?

Direct, prolonged eye contact is usually one tip off. If I'm interested in a guy, I will try to get him engaged in conversation. I don't go to clubs, mainly because I actually like to hear a conversation (and I can't dance worth a darn), so getting a guy to talk with me gives me an idea if he might be:

1) single
2) straight
3) interested in me
4) have interests compatible with mine

[Thales]

Is touching on that list?, I assume only under certain conditions. I'm trying to find a distinction between friendly and intentionally flirty with an actual goal that is not attention-seeking.

[curiouslyrandom]

Originally Posted by Thales

Is touching on that list?, I assume only under certain conditions. I'm trying to find a distinction between friendly and intentionally flirty with an actual goal that is not attention-seeking.

That's a tough one for me, personally.

Here's a weird thing... I'm farsighted, so I don't like people getting too close to me unless I can have my eyes closed or can't see them in front of me. That's part of why I don't dance. I also have some personal issues around being touched and tend to find it aggressive in many cases, even if it isn't meant to be.

Once I'm on intimate footing with a guy, I explain this to them, and we typically get along just fine.

[Thales]

Right, I just meant if a women constantly touches you does that mean she likes you? I know the other way around can seem to aggressive.

[curiouslyrandom]

Originally Posted by Thales

Right, I just meant if a women constantly touches you does that mean she likes you?

Ooooh. Yeah, probably.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Thales

Right, I just meant if a women constantly touches you does that mean she likes you? I know the other way around can seem to aggressive.

Yes, if a woman is constantly touching you it's usually because she's into you. That doesn't always mean something will happen, but it does denote some form of intimacy/connection with you.

The other way around is not too aggressive, either. Some women are uncomfortable with being touched by men, yes, but you can usually tell when a woman is skeeved out by your touch and adjust your communication accordingly. I think it's a case of being perceptive to how she's responding to you.

As for touching women, there are a few "safe zones" that I think make the touch less intimidating. Her arm, for example, isn't a very aggressive place to touch her, but it's a great place to touch her to build rapport with her (assuming you're wanting to show your interest in her). Her shoulder is another area (assuming you aren't standing behind her breathing down her neck ).

One of my favorites is a light touch to the small of her back when you are walking. Yes, this one is a bit more sexual in nature, so I wouldn't recommend you do this to someone you've just met. And I wouldn't recommend touching her for more than a few seconds.

[curiouslyrandom]

I think it's a case of being perceptive to how she's responding to you.

ding ding ding! Right answer.

As for touching women, there are a few "safe zones" that I think make the touch less intimidating. Her arm, for example, isn't a very aggressive place to touch her, but it's a great place to touch her to build rapport with her (assuming you're wanting to show your interest in her). Her shoulder is another area (assuming you aren't standing behind her breathing down her neck ).

One of my favorites is a light touch to the small of her back when you are walking. Yes, this one is a bit more sexual in nature, so I wouldn't recommend you do this to someone you've just met. And I wouldn't recommend touching her for more than a few seconds.

I HATE it when a guy I'm not already dating touches me on the arm or small of the back. Maybe that's just me, maybe it's a control issue. I don't know.

If a guy touches me on the neck or shoulders, it really turns me on. Again, that's just me. We all have our own erogenous zones.

[Thales]

Originally Posted by James81

Yes, if a woman is constantly touching you it's usually because she's into you. That doesn't always mean something will happen, but it does denote some form of intimacy/connection with you.

The other way around is not too aggressive, either. Some women are uncomfortable with being touched by men, yes, but you can usually tell when a woman is skeeved out by your touch and adjust your communication accordingly. I think it's a case of being perceptive to how she's responding to you.

As for touching women, there are a few "safe zones" that I think make the touch less intimidating. Her arm, for example, isn't a very aggressive place to touch her, but it's a great place to touch her to build rapport with her (assuming you're wanting to show your interest in her). Her shoulder is another area (assuming you aren't standing behind her breathing down her neck ).

One of my favorites is a light touch to the small of her back when you are walking. Yes, this one is a bit more sexual in nature, so I wouldn't recommend you do this to someone you've just met. And I wouldn't recommend touching her for more than a few seconds.

I've never deliberately touched a women, but in theory I think it would work better if someone waited for the woman to touch them first. But, if a women touches you, is it safe to assume she wants to be touched?

The safe zones concept is interesting...

[LostMyMap]

Originally Posted by Thales

So, I have little to no experience (especially physically) with women, more than a few have expressed their attraction towards me, but I wonder if they are being serious sometimes. Also, I'm not sure how to read women and respond appropriately. Any tips to just being more adept with women.

Some thoughts. Practice engaging with women who are relatively 'safe', meaning there isn't a huge expectation for something to happen. Good candidates are bank tellers, waitresses, grocery clerks, the women you interact with anyway in your daily life. No big deal, just try out smiling at them, a compliment on something you like about them, hair, dress etc. A little small talk (if you aren't holding up the check out line). Don't make a huge production, just slip it in subtly. Watch reactions. Learn how people react. You won't get a positive every time, but you learn to spot when you do.

A friend who is a girl, or cousin or something can be invaluable in dating advice. Women on this board will give you a wide range of opinions.

Practice, practice, practice.

[VinceG]

Screw practice. Interacting with girls is not a skill. It's not something you get better at. You're either doing it or you're not.

All you need to do is one thing. Talk to girls. It's a two step process.

Step One: Find a girl
Step Two: Talk to her

Anything more is over-complicating things. Anything! Just do it. Do not think about stuff to say to her. Do not worry if she's going to reject you. Just talk. And whatever comes next, deal with that when you get there.

[butterflyeffect]

As a girl if I like a guy then I tend to smile alot when I'm talking to them and make lots of eye contact. Also I will touch them lightly during conversation, like tap their shoulder, their arm etc.

Ahh yah James I officially love you!!! You have the perceptive thing down pat. I want to meet more people who get those sort of boundaries..

If girls don't like being touched by you they will indicate it in their body language. For me my smile will become forced and I will pull away, make excuses or put more space between us etc.

[goldberg]

Originally Posted by Thales

So, I have little to no experience (especially physically) with women, more than a few have expressed their attraction towards me, but I wonder if they are being serious sometimes. Also, I'm not sure how to read women and respond appropriately. Any tips to just being more adept with women.

Well the simplest way to find out if a woman 'likes' you is to flirt. As long as you do it right you can guage her reaction and pretend like you were just joking if she knocks you back.

Or see if you can do something together such as going to a restaurant together. If she is interested she will jump at the chance, if not you will tend to get excuses. Get a little drunk and then you can be more forward, then blame it on the alchohol later if she is not interested.

[Thales]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

As a girl if I like a guy then I tend to smile alot when I'm talking to them and make lots of eye contact. Also I will touch them lightly during conversation, like tap their shoulder, their arm etc.

Ahh yah James I officially love you!!! You have the perceptive thing down pat. I want to meet more people who get those sort of boundaries..

If girls don't like being touched by you they will indicate it in their body language. For me my smile will become forced and I will pull away, make excuses or put more space between us etc.

Those should be obvious signs a girl doesn't want to be touched, I was simply looking for pointers on signs to the opposite BEFORE there is any touching involved on my part.