I don't think I love her (anymore?)

[TheEastern]

Is it just me who consistantly can't think up a good subject for a thread in less than 2 minutes? Anyway...

The people here seem to all have their heads on pretty straight, so I thought I'd ask all of your advice. Here's some background before I really get into the problem. Obviously you can skip ahead if you're impatient.

I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half now. I am her first boyfriend, but I've had a few girlfriends before her. I met her and was immediately attracted to her, and I told her that after getting to know her better for about two or three weeks. I asked her if she'd want to date me, and she said yes. Since then we've just worked together very well in a relationship. We are both honest and communicative, so naturally our relationship developed the same way.

At three months or so, she said she loved me. It seemed a little soon to me, so I didn't say it back immediately. She was a little disappointed, but she was understanding. About a week after that, I started to say it back. I was pretty sure I loved her too. Our relationship progressed and grew, and around our first anniversary, she had been taking the pill for a month, and we had sex for the first time. It was the first for both of us. Since then we've gotten more comfortable around each other as the relationship continued to grow.

So that's our history. We worked out our problems together when we got to them, and here we are now, at a year and a half. But lately, I've been starting to doubt whether I actually love her. The doubt has become more prominent in my mind until now, where I am pretty sure that I don't. I might've when I said it to her the first time, but I don't think I do now. I like being around her and just joking around, and our sex life is really good too (a nice effect of us being communicative). I like doing all of the things we do together, but it almost feels now that she's my friend who I have sex and cuddle with.

And it's worse than that, because I can tell with certainty that she loves me without a doubt in her mind. I can tell by the way she says it. And when she says it like that, I try to say it back with the same amount of feeling, but it feels like a lie. Either I fool her every time, or she's a good actress.

And this is not just me looking for excuses to be single again and able to do what I want with who I want without worrying whether it's okay. Don't get me wrong, the idea is appealing; but that is not my motivation. It just feels like now, I'm just with her because, hey, why not, and she has a lot more emotional stock in the relationship than I do.

She's out of the country right now for a short amount of time, and I don't miss her like I usually do when she's gone. I worry that I won't miss her at all, even near the end of her trip.

So I don't know what to do. You all seem like a smart bunch; maybe you could give me some advice--or at least tell me that it will be okay and give me a big hug.

I've got to head to bed, but I think that's basically all I was going to say for now anyway. I look forward to you responses.

[Trina]

Be honest with her. What else is there to do? If you don't love her she needs to know before she is strung along any further. You say you have a communicative relationship, so communicate. It's okay if that's not how you feel about her, just be fair to her and BE HONEST.

[RT Wolf]

Between one and two years into a relationship, the feelings of romantic love start to dissolve. The hormones step aside and you're left with your relationship. This is the test of any relationship, whether there is enough there for two people to stay together, in terms of emotionally, mentally and maybe even spiritually.

Also, do something romantic for both of you, maybe prepare a nice dinner, or take her out. Make an attempt at romance and feeling romantic and see how you feel and how she feels.

Another way you can look at this is to define what love means to you.

[taylor2]

my hubby and i met 40 yrs ago. we stayed together from day one.there has been times in our marriage where we had to be apart and it was a nice break.u say u have a good physical relationship and u get along and like the things u do together. what is wrong with that? i have just watched my 26 yr old daughter go thru a horrid marriage where they could not agree on anything.they called each other bad names every minute.no respect for the other at all in that union. if u find someone who is pleasant and loves u...unless there is a real replusion...maybe u need to re-think.she sounds like a gem.good luck

[aznandyboi]

maybe you two are/were seeing each other too often? or maybe what you are feeling is just temporary and will pass? when i get too comfortable in a position of my life, i start taking things for granted (i'm not saying you are) and look for better options/opportunities. and most of the time it bites me back and makes me realize the importance of what i already have.

[Lychee]

A lot people believe that love is the passionate feeling that you have for another person. That passionate, romantic love fades away after 1 or 2 years together and is replaced by compassionate love. Aside from that, familiarity breeds contempt - some people start to get bored with their partner.

Do you think that your parents love you? Don't you think you get on their nerves a little bit? That they know you so well that they might be bored with you? Yet they still love you. That is love and can be applied for relationships between a man and a woman.

It seems like you're settling for her. "I'm just with her because, why not, and she has a lot more emotional stock in the relationship than I do." How would you like it if someone you really loved said that about you? You cannot love someone if you don't respect them.

[TheEastern]

Lychee, I understand what you're getting at, but I don't think that that's the case. I think I have avoided mistaking passion for love. And of course we get on each others' nerves every now and then, but that's been happening throughout the relationship just as often as I assume it does in other relationships. It doesn't happen any more now than it did, so that's not why I'm feeling this way. And yes, I think that it might be starting to feel like I am "just settling" for her, but let me clarify that it wasn't always that way at all. And even now, I can't think of anyone that I'd rather be with than her. It just feels like now, she's closer to being "just my girlfriend" and that's it.

aznandyboi, there is a chance we simply see each other too often. We hang out pretty often, but on the other hand, if she or I just don't feel like it even a little bit, we'll say so and just not hang out. Maybe I should suggest to her taking a break.

taylor2, the reason I am reconsidering now is that there isn't anything that is great about the relationship right now. Sure, hanging out with her is fun, but no more fun to me now than just hanging out with a good friend, plus the sex, of course.

RT Wolf, I don't think the romance is what is missing. We had a great time on our one-year anniversary, but even then I had the slight beginnings of what I'm feeling now. It doesn't feel like going out to eat or something else romantic would really help, although of course it would be nice. It just doesn't seem like it would be addressing the problem.

And Trina... I think you're right. It's just that, this time it's different--other times when I needed to say something unpleasant, I did so as soon as I could so it wouldn't get worse as time went by. This time, since it was a slower realisation on my part, I have to tell her that not only do I not love her, but I might not have for a while now. I'll have to let her know (maybe not tell her, but she'll know) that every time for the last month or so, when I said "I love you" back, I was also thinking, maybe not.

But then if I'm going to talk to her about it, when do I do it? Normally it would be as soon as possible, but I don't want her to come back, happy to see me, and I pull that out on her. "I've missed you so much!" "...About that." So do I lie to cushion her fall and wait a week or so, or do I tell her as soon as I can to get it out of the way?

[Cassie]

Ouch, please when you talk with her, be honest but compassionate. Telling someone you said you love them, yet were thinking 'well, maybe not' could potentially kill someone emotionally. I don't know if she needs to know all the gory nitty-gritty details.

Perhaps just tell her the time apart gave you an opportunity to consider your relationship, and regrettably you don't know if you still feel the same way you once did. Suggest some time apart. It's not lying, and will still suffice in cluing her in on your true feelings.

You can't help how you feel, and both of you deserve to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Breakups are never easy. Just be (gently) honest and try not to give her false hope. I wouldn't wait in talking with her either. Although it will be painful, she deserves to know asap.

Best of luck!

[alexyeo]

Hi there, in fact its quite common for a couple's relationship to turn from "passionate, romantic" to "normal, dull" after a few years. But how do you determine whether you still love her or is she important to you?

Imagine, right at the moment, she disappeared. She is no longer in your life, be it dead or whatever. How do you feel? Can you live without her? Will you feel extreme sadness. I believe you still love her if you think you can't live without her.

[TheEastern]

Cassie, I didn't mean to say that I would actually tell her it felt like a lie when I said I love you back. What I meant to imply is that she would figure it out, and it would still hurt her. She's not going to think that there was a certain point that I switched from loving her completely to not loving her, just like that--she'll know that it was a gradual thing. And logically, one could surmise that I had begun second-guessing myself before I said anything, becase I wouldn't bring something like that up until I was sure it wasn't just a passing thing. The natural, logical conclusion that she would come to is that I had to have felt guilty or dishonest while saying it at some point before I brought it up. Maybe months before.

But you do have a point. Maybe I could just suggest a break without offering the whole reason first, and be honest (but gentle) if she asks further.

And alexyeo, if she were to be suddenly be gone, I think that sadly, I wouldn't be more saddened than if one of my friends had gone. It would just be a lost friend, and that's about it.

So that's one vote for talking to her about this as soon as possible.

Oh, and I forgot to mention this last post, but thank you guys a lot for the advice; I mean it.

[Lallymac]

Be honest with her. Say you are unsure about how you feel and are not sure you feel the say way about her.
I married a nice man when I was 21 because I didn't want to hurt him. It took me 15 yrs a mortgage and 3 children to tell him. He didn't know how to respond to love when I tried to love him. He was a good father but passionless in every area of his life. His parents had stayed together fighting and resenting each until they died. We didn't fight so for him it was a good marriage. He was happy to settle for that.
My parents are still passionate after 55 yrs together and the love they share is tangiable. They have different opinions and voice them, they openly debate them, then sometimes beg to differ but have never stopped loving each other and telling each other why. My mum has one leg and pacemaker. Dad still takes her hand & thanks her for bringing so much love & laughter into his life. She says she hates the pacemaker because she can't feel her heart leap when he looks at her across the room. Their love spawned a dynasty, 7 children and 21 grandchildren, that keeps on spreading and growing.
I was dying inside not feeling like that. Don't settle. If you're not sure keep looking.
Lallymac

[taylor2]

well-good luck.i feel sorry for her and for you because neither side is easy.but if u really feel this way-then of course! u can not keep staying with her.it is so tragic and tuff to hear those words and get ditched.maybe she has her head on more than i would.maybe she can see that around the next corner is a man who will love her and offer her more of what she wants and deserves.and u too ! good luck.