If you see relationships as subjective....

[Heatsaber]

I've read some stuff on here... and one that rings with me is the whole.... Subjective Reality of relationships. I'm just kind of foggy on it, and wish I weren't, so here I go.

Say you have a friend that is frightened to live on their own, to the point of avoiding work, breaking down to cry about it and all of this.... would that, going by the above model, mean that conflict is happening because you are also afraid of living on your own? (I am pretty sure I might be) and if so, how would one deal with that?

Or, say, you have a relationship that is over. You're ex is avoiding you like the plague, or treating you like crap. But, you yourself are overly confused about what to do. If you should still like/want them verses finding someone else. That you want to be single but also in a relationship. That you don't know how to act around them so you try and avoid them. I mean, I'm doing this... but it seems she is acting almost accordingly. So, in order to change this, you would have to figure out what it is exactly you want, and then pin on that.... and stop avoiding them and all of this? Basically figure out what it is you really want with them, and all else will fall into place?


Thanks. The above two things are causing me lots of stress, and I haven't the faintest idea how to deal with them, until to day when I read about it.... just not sure if I got the right idea or not.

[soccer7]

hmmm, well all i can say is i only used the idea of subjective reality as a tool to overcome my social fears, like humiliation, rejection, nervousness, worries, etc.

I too get caught up in the mess of subjective relationships and all, so i tend to think of my reality as partially subjective, i would think that my relationship with others are objective, but when i'm trying to overcome fear i would switch to subjective reality.

Which ever is empowering, i believe i'll one day think of my reality as fully subjective, but that's quite hard to do, nevertheless i'll be trying.

[NDavid]

Well I'm still very new to applying subjective reality to relationships with people, but going with the model, it means that your ex and your friend are mirroring back to you the conflict that's within yourself. You said that you might be afraid of leaving home yourself, what you have to do is sit down and figure out exactly what it is you're afraid of. Are you scared you won't be able to make the rent? Pay the bills? Handle the responsibility? Will you miss your family too much? It might be why your friend is scared too.

With regards to your ex, it seems to me that you yourself are very confused due to conflicting emotions and this inner conflict is being reflected back to by an angry/bitter ex. The solution according to subjective reality? Work out the underlying cause of your emotions (e.g. you want there to be no hard feelings but you're still angry because of how you broke up, you want to move on but you feel guilty etc). I think the reason that the conflict is there is to point out the unresolved issue within yourself. Until you work out exactly what the issue is and what lesson life is trying to show you, you'll be unable to forgive yourself and the conflict with your ex will remain. Once you figure it out, understand the lesson and then let it go, things will smooth out with your ex (according to subjective reality anyway).

good luck with it all

NDavid

[Heatsaber]

Well, how does one work on not feeling guilty and all of that?

Because it's gotten worse, and I can't figure out why she's ignoring my existence like she is... it's gotten pretty bad. It just seems everyone is mad/disappointed/hateful towards me right now, and I can't figure out why.

[bellbird]

Heatsaber you say:

It just seems everyone is mad/disappointed/hateful towards me right now, and I can't figure out why.

Have you asked them? Do you think they might be expecting something from you that you are not doing/expressing/feeling/giving etc?

Your friends appears to be stressed out and afraid. You don't have to 'make it go away'. I don't know whether it would mean that this friend mirrors what's going on inside of you too. Maybe it just means that you have an opportunity to be there for that person and support them? By doing that you might have to face some identical fears you have too by being faced with it in your friend. (Don't you like crying btw or seeing it? Do you find it unsettling watching it?)

I work more with the idea of 'what you have trouble with you attract', and 'how you treat others you treat yourself' and 'what you send out you shall receive'. I don't really want to get into the subjective reality stuff at the moment Kick!! out. Viola (sorry )

Anyhoo: relationship: I'm just wondering what I said above: If people are peeved off with you and you haven't a clue, just ask them. I have found people to get rattled with me sometimes when I accidently step on their toes, shake their belief system tree vigorously, or do something that they feel is not in their best interest. The thing is that actually most of them will tell you by expressing their aggravation. (My boss told me the other day that he felt his time was wasted because I didn't let customers pay for the deliveries he did. That says something about his self valuation and esteem. It said bugger all about me. He felt I didn't value him and his time, which was not accurate to me eventhough I understood his reasoning and reaction.) So really listen and you will know what you 'did' (well in their eyes anyway) and whatever it is, apologize and explain why you did what you did and that you did not mean to pee them off and they will calm down. (Unless you were really a dumbass and then they were right )

Good luck to you and let us know how you get on. I understand it's not easy and having been there myself in some areas I relate to what you're going through.