How to tell someone you don't like them

[soccer7]

I have a problem at my school, there is this one guy that is constantly annoying me, he is invasive, lame, and a person i don't get along.

I think he's trying to get closer to me to be my friend or something, like today when i was doing this programing, and he came over seeing that i was stuck somewhere, pushes my hand off my mouse and tries to help me when i didn't even want his help, but being the polite guy that i am i didn't tell him to get lost, but regret not saying it now.

I find him very annoying to talk to, always stating the obvious and laughs at the slightest thing. Did i mention he's invasive, he stands too close when talking to me which makes me feel uncomfortable and puts his hand on my shoulders often like as if we're close friends.

So my question is, do you guys think i should tell him off, like maybe when i see him next time and say :
"hey, i don't really like you ok, so from now on stop helping me with anything, don't touch me, don't even talk to me"

Or should i just try and avoid and ignore him as to indicate that i don't want to talk to him, this option is however quite annoying cause then i'll be limited to where i go and what i do just to avoid the guy.

[moviestar]

I've had people like this in my life. The reason why he's hanging around you is because you are polite to him. He senses that you are weak.
Watch how other people treat him that he doesn't speak to and do the same.

The funny thing is after you start treating him honestly (like saying the truth what you think about him) he might start behaving normally and you might actually end up being real friends.

[shesaboutspirit]

Originally Posted by moviestar

I've had people like this in my life. The reason why he's hanging around you is because you are polite to him. He senses that you are weak.
Watch how other people treat him that he doesn't speak to and do the same.

The funny thing is after you start treating him honestly (like saying the truth what you think about him) he might start behaving normally and you might actually end up being real friends.

That's an interesting idea to see how he is with other people...kind of takes one out of their own perspective a bit.

I'm a woman...so my take might be too girly for what you need, but apparently that won't keep me from adding my two cents anyway

I've found that if I avoid or lie or make any excuses...the challenge only grows worse. Like the Universe won't leave me alone about it until I get honest. So for me, the only thing that works is telling the person how I feel. Not what I think...because they will argue. If you tell somebody that their touching you makes you uncomfortable, they can't really argue right? Of course it would need to be in your language...maybe more like "don't touch me, I don't like it". If somebody grabbed the mouse away from me, I would probably strongly inform them that if I want help, I will ask. I think you can say that in a firm way and you have every right to. His behavior is intrusive and inappropriate...and yes...invasive.

Life is always testing our boundaries. If you don't set them early it gets more difficult as you go. You're allowed to choose who gets in your space, you know? And if you really do know that...you will stand up for yourself without having to get too ruffled about it.

It's taken me 45 years to have much in the way of boundaries...I understand feeling invaded very well.

Good luck!

Pam

[soccer7]

Moviestar; i think you are right that maybe he thinks i'm weak, maybe i am, should i get aggressive and complain ? I just want to be polite to people but not to the point where they can intrude on my space.

I've read this book called "follow your heart" by andrew mathrews, which states that the life is just a series of lessons and experience. A qoute from the book :

"when we fail to learn a lesson, we get to take it again ... and again
Once we learned the lesson, we move on to the next one. (And we never run out of lessons!)"

"LESSONS CHASE US AROUND THE WORLD"

The qoute "lessons chase us around the world" states that even if you run/move away from your problems, you'll encounter new ones that resembles the previous. So basically different environment, same problem, there's no escape.

quote from shesaboutspirit : I've found that if I avoid or lie or make any excuses...the challenge only grows worse. Like the Universe won't leave me alone about it until I get honest.

Perhaps the only way to grow is to overcome this challenge, but i'm not sure how i should do it;

a) "touch me again and i'll pop ya"
b) "stop touching me will ya, your annoying !"
c) "please stop touching me, it makes me feel uncomfortabe".

Althought i listed the last one, i don't think i'll take that option, when it happens i'll get too frustrated and just end up shouting at him or something.

[Mark Lapierre]

I don't think you should ever get aggressive or complain. Why make yourself feel bad?

And why would option c) make you frustrated and angry?

You can be firm without being mean. You can tell him how you feel, and show him that you want him to leave you alone, without insulting him.

Why upset both yourself and him when there are alternatives?

There are more challenges here than just getting him to stop annoying you. You can also learn how to influence people effectively, without creating more tension. Ask yourself, can you get the message across to this guy in a way that doesn't upset you, but also makes him think about what he's doing, both to you, and other people?

But hell, that's what I think you should do, but it's your life. Punch him in the face if you want, that'll probably work too...

[soccer7]

thanks for your input mark, i writtent the ealier post when i was frustrated and annoyed, so my intentions was to shout out my message to him. But now that i'm calm, i can see your point, the option c) can be effective too, but i'm not gona beg him to go away, like, "oh please, please leave me alone" i'll just not shout.

Quote by Mark Lapierre :
But hell, that's what I think you should do, but it's your life. Punch him in the face if you want, that'll probably work too...

The truth is i'm a coward, i've never been in a fight before, well only back at primary school, but that's more like getting comboed and KOed then fighting. So i have the fear of violence, and attempt to avoid it at all cost, this makes me unable to tell people off even though i want to real bad.

So all in all i have to find a way to be firm and straight out tell him to leave me alone, i don't want him to think i'm weak, that's another reason why i had the idea to shout at him and get aggressive.

i'm gona see him tommorow, i'll post the results of the day, till then any further advice would be appreciated still. thanks

[Holistic Star]

There is a difference between being agressive and assertive. At the moment you are thinking in terms of being either passive or aggressive, perhaps you could think about being assertive.

Being agressive might mean that you win in the short term and someone else loses, but in the long term you both lose because it creates a hostile situation that it is difficult to back down from. Win-lose = lose-lose.

Being passive means that in the short term you lose and someone else wins and in the long term you both lose because you end up resenting them and making yourself upset. (You might also flip into aggressive behaviour and lose that way - see above) Lose-win = lose-lose.

Being assertive means that you are clear about your boundaries and at the same time respect the rights of the other person. It's creating a win-win situation so that everyone leaves with the best possible aboutcome. Win-win = win-win!

Originally Posted by soccer7

a) "touch me again and i'll pop ya"
b) "stop touching me will ya, your annoying !"
c) "please stop touching me, it makes me feel uncomfortabe".

Althought i listed the last one, i don't think i'll take that option, when it happens i'll get too frustrated and just end up shouting at him or something.

a) is Aggressive. As you've been passive for so long, he probably won't believe you so will touch you again. You'll either have to follow through with your threat and punch him and risk a fight. Or you'll have to not do anything and revert to being passive which means that he won't take any future threat seriously and you'll feel rubbish about yourself.

b) is Aggressive. Telling someone they are annoying insults them (how would you like it if it was said to you?) OK not as agressive as a, but it won't lead to positive outcome. He'll get defensive and upset and probably shout something nasty back at you! I doubt he will stop touching you.

c) is Assertive - especially if said firmly and calmly. If he does touch you again, repeat the same phrase again firmly. (You may have to repeat it a few times if the guy doesn't get the message). Just keep saying calmly and firmly and eventually it will stop being fun for him and he will stop. No need to be aggressive because as we have seen that could cause things to escalate. Just calmly assert your rights not to be touched.


Doing an assertiveness training course was one of the best investments I ever made as being passive showed up in a lot of areas of my life. I think you might find it useful too as I suspect there are other times in your life where you back down rather than assert your rights.

Good luck - let us know how it goes

[shesaboutspirit]

Originally Posted by soccer7

The truth is i'm a coward, i've never been in a fight before, well only back at primary school, but that's more like getting comboed and KOed then fighting. So i have the fear of violence, and attempt to avoid it at all cost, this makes me unable to tell people off even though i want to real bad.

So all in all i have to find a way to be firm and straight out tell him to leave me alone, i don't want him to think i'm weak, that's another reason why i had the idea to shout at him and get aggressive.

I personally don't believe that not fighting is a sign of a coward. More like common sense to protect ones self. Then again, as I said before...I am a woman and generally, we don't look at disagreements with an option to go into physical combat.

When I was growing up with two big brothers who could really yell and seem fierce, I would cope by being "sickeningly nice". A female survival tactic I suppose. Anyway, I've worked hard on this lesson. I've found if I do nothing...it causes me great inner turmoil as the lesson continues to repeat and escalate until at some point, I finally deliver my truth. And I don't have to say it all mean and ugly, but it definitely comes across as firm. Like some deep inner place just lays down the law. Recently it sounded like "don't touch me, I don't like it!" It came from my core, and that place that knows my truth.

The reason I quoted you above, soccer 7, is because I feel that if you believe as you say that you are "a coward" then your actions will be in line with your belief. So maybe you can look within and see the wisdom in this thing you call coward and make peace with it? Then...you may be much more likely to stand up for yourself, with firmness and grace, because you respect yourself.

It all comes from within...

Pam

[soccer7]

Thanks pam,

Then...you may be much more likely to stand up for yourself, with firmness and grace, because you respect yourself.

I think your right on that part, perhaps i'm not respecting myself enough. Again its dued to fear i guese, i'm working on this every day when i go to tafe, I would also like to join a twae kun do class like steve did, just to boost my confidece.

[shesaboutspirit]

Good job. Sounds like you are already on your way to self love. Understanding that it's really about us and how we feel about ourselves is the biggest step to making any real change in or around us. I'll bet martial arts of any kind would be very helpful. Several years back I even did some kick boxing and was amazed how empowered I felt in a real short time. I remember thinking they should teach that to girls in school...just so they can know that feeling of inner confidence and empowerment. But maybe they should teach it to the boys as well... It's more of a human need I think.

Good luck to you and keep us posted if you like.

Pam

[soccer7]

oh man, i'm still very much annoyed at the situation i'm in, today he patted my back, so i pointed at him and said
"Stop touching me ok, i don't like people touching me, if you want to get my attention, then call my name, alright" he just noded while his lame smile just fades down. I was just glad he understood.

Then just 20 seconds after that he taps me on the shoulder to ask something and i turn around with a very annoyed look on, i looked at my shoulder and at him, then he made one of the gayest face i've seen, he smiles while tilting his head to the side and uttered something i believed to be 'sorry' or something, i'm not sure. But seeing that he appologised i just let it go, and said what?

I'm just frustrated that i'm maybe i could have done better to make it clear to him that i don't even want to talk to him, man that face he made was really scary, hope his not gay or something.

[shesaboutspirit]

hmmm. Why do you care if he's gay? So what...it's really no different than if it were a female flirting with you. You still get to set boundaries. If you can focus on the behavior and not get too freaked out about his gender, it might help you. We're all just beings out there looking for love, you know? Don't hate the guy for having good taste, right? It's cool if being touchy feely with a dude isn't your thing, but working through your fear of the gay thing can free you up a lot.

I've worked through this one a lot myself. Even my Mom and daughter touching me was bothering me. I think the bottom line was still just boundaries though, not so much about the gender. I'm forty-five years old and just finally had the courage a few weeks ago to tell my mom to stop patting me on the behind. It's driven me crazy for decades. What a lot of wasted energy for me, but I just didn't know how to deal with it. Like I said in another post though, it's okay to just say "don't do that". Nobody really needs an explanation on why we don't like it...it's just our basic right.

Sounds like you're doing really well on this one Soccer7, keep it up, okay? Then you get to graduate from this frustrating lesson

blessings,
Pam

[soccer7]

I'm just frustrate on what to do if he doesn't get the message, i don't want to be sitting around thinking all days of ways to get the message through to the guy.

So what am i supposed to do IF he decides to test my courage, do i go ahead and punch him? I don't even want to talk to him, so do i just go ahead and tell him that? or should i just not reply to anything he has to say ? the second one sounds good though, but i'm not sure, i need some more feed back to help me decide.

[shesaboutspirit]

In my opinion, what you resist persists...it's kind of a law or something. Until you get this lesson, it will keep at you. So...let me just say, forget the punching thing okay? That one just won't get you anywhere. Because the next person infringing on you might be a parent or child or whatever, and punching just isn't a good option anyway.

Do you know it's okay for you to just look straight at this guy and say "leave me alone". I would say please the first time but then after that, I would just stick with my point.

The time he tapped you after you asked him to stop touching you, I feel was a test. At that time, you could, or can say..."I said stop touching me". Boundaries will always be tested until you really get that it's your right to have them... But until you really know it, they will be tested.

He's just here so you can learn this lesson. Learn it, and he'll fade away.

[soccer7]

the problem with me is i think too much, i'm always thinking they are after me, trying to make my life miserable, even though i know that its a lesson in disquise i tend to forget and get frustrated, just wanting it to end asap.

Reading your post Pam has reminded me that is just a lesson, and perhaps he's not really there to make my life miserable but to teach me, if i was still in my old pattern of thinking i would take the easy way out and just try to avoid him whenever i can, or the punching, basically to avoid my fears or punch at it.

Ok, just hope i can keep this fresh mindset for a while until i can deal with this.

[shesaboutspirit]

I love how open you are to learning what you need to learn. I find this to be a rare quality. Good luck out there today...and no need to worry, if you forget your new mindset, you'll just keep cycling round and round until it's just part of you.

Peace...from somebody else who's been known to "think too much"

[moviestar]

The qoute "lessons chase us around the world" states that even if you run/move away from your problems, you'll encounter new ones that resembles the previous. So basically different environment, same problem, there's no escape.

This is partially true, look at it this way:
When you learn lessons, you improve. So your "problems" start having more quality to themselves. So now your problem is that wrong people want to associate with you and you are trying to figure out how to deal with them. Once you've learned the lessons, you'll move on and you'll start having problems such as: I have a bunch of people that I love, who do I spend time with most?

There's a different quality of problems. What kind of problems would you rather have?

[Michelle]

Ideally you could just be honest with the guy by letting him know he is a creep and that he had better keep his hands off.

The real question is: how to set boundaries without causing a scandal, without anyone losing face and without alienating others?

I wish I knew the answer to this too!