Back to parents house.. feeling humiliated

[sweety]

hey!
so, one year ago when i was 20 i decided to leave my parents house and live by myself, was everything right untill i lose my job and get another job that pay so much less so i couldnt afford living in the city on my own anymore, and the things got worst when i just decided to spend all my money,for no reason, maybe by anxiety,so i spent till my last cent with stupid and futile things. So last month i came back to my parents house
is a terrible feeling, after leaving their house,being back is terrible,and i feel so humiliated because neighboors and friends are all saying "so, do you decided to come back to the surburbs,uh??" they all know that i'm back because of money, i'm feeling terrible and stupid,and afraid of never afford living by myself anymore,my parents place is terrible in a terrible location..i dont know what to do to stop this feeling and how to ignore people joking about my frustration.. i totally feel that i failed and what makes me even more sad is that i thought that i was unhappy but now that im in my parents place that i see how happy and lucky i was!

[curiouslyrandom]

So many people are doing this right now. Don't feel so bad about it. It's really common! I'm in my 30's and have several friends who have moved in with their parents in the last 2 years.

Older generations didn't do this, but times are different now. If you fall, let your family catch you so you can get back up again.

[Gals]

Originally Posted by sweety

hey!
so, one year ago when i was 20 i decided to leave my parents house and live by myself, was everything right untill i lose my job and get another job that pay so much less so i couldnt afford living in the city on my own anymore, and the things got worst when i just decided to spend all my money,for no reason, maybe by anxiety,so i spent till my last cent with stupid and futile things. So last month i came back to my parents house
is a terrible feeling, after leaving their house,being back is terrible,and i feel so humiliated because neighboors and friends are all saying "so, do you decided to come back to the surburbs,uh??" they all know that i'm back because of money, i'm feeling terrible and stupid,and afraid of never afford living by myself anymore,my parents place is terrible in a terrible location..i dont know what to do to stop this feeling and how to ignore people joking about my frustration.. i totally feel that i failed and what makes me even more sad is that i thought that i was unhappy but now that im in my parents place that i see how happy and lucky i was!

Forget what others say about you.

See, when you're back at your rent's house, you feel so much happier and luckier! Be thankful that you have parents like that and you're always welcome to their place. Ignore others who says otherwise.

Nope, don't feel you failed or you're a loser because of that. Everyone screw up sometimes, and the good news is, you still have a second chance to make it right. So let this be a lesson to you--and don't spend your cash (down to the last cent!) just because of anxiety, or whatever lame excuse you can give; it only adds to your probs.

Ok? good luck!

[KatHumps]

Hi Sweety,

I really feel for you here, having been in the same situation as you on numerous occasions. You're still very young and there's absolutely no shame in having to go back to your parents before you get back on your feet. Your parents are there to help you pick up the pieces and support you during financial difficulty (as long as you don't abuse this help ;-)

When I've moved back into my parents I noticed older people making comments like "Oh, run out of money have we, had to move back with your parents?", generally unhelpful comments that could make you feel like a bit of a bum.. I tended not to take offense or take it too personally as I usually noticed it was just some harmless teasing from people who don't know any better.

Try to look at it as a chance to get yourself going again, you probably won't be paying much rent if you live with your parents and you'll have the opportunity to save money, get yourself financially stable and then search for a better paid job so you can get yourself out into the city again. If you're worried about your social life suffering, is there any way you can get out and stay with some friends on odd weekends?

[Federer]

Originally Posted by sweety

hey!
so, one year ago when i was 20 i decided to leave my parents house and live by myself, was everything right untill i lose my job and get another job that pay so much less so i couldnt afford living in the city on my own anymore, and the things got worst when i just decided to spend all my money,for no reason, maybe by anxiety,so i spent till my last cent with stupid and futile things. So last month i came back to my parents house
is a terrible feeling, after leaving their house,being back is terrible,and i feel so humiliated because neighboors and friends are all saying "so, do you decided to come back to the surburbs,uh??" they all know that i'm back because of money, i'm feeling terrible and stupid,and afraid of never afford living by myself anymore,my parents place is terrible in a terrible location..i dont know what to do to stop this feeling and how to ignore people joking about my frustration.. i totally feel that i failed and what makes me even more sad is that i thought that i was unhappy but now that im in my parents place that i see how happy and lucky i was!

When i was born, our place had little terrible things. Bad people, bad public and so on. But we created the atmosphere. It is we who we create the terrible. There is nothing outside, if you are looking for help on this site, you will realize this soon or early or late. I have checked myself, when my surrounding is not fine, i feel terrible. It's dirt. We see dirt because dirt is in our mind, that's it. We feel sick, because our thoughts are not in harmony. We feel broken relationship because some parts are following negative processes. May be you are watching this all for only one reason -YOU. Don't blame yourself, please. But try to find yourself. you can have it all you wanted. There is no one to stop you.

[ssandra]

You could try on a different perspective...?

See how lucky you are.. you get to first had realize and experience that before, while you thought you were unhappy, you were actually happy!!

That is valuable insight to have! Just imagine, if you wouldn't have moved back to your parents, you would still think you were unhappy!!

Besides, now you can have an honest look at yourself and your finances and see where you can make improvements so that this doesn't happen again! You can even use the wisdom that your parents have gathered over the years and see how you can apply any of that to your situation!

[MagicalRealist]

I admit it--I used to be horribly judgmental of people who moved back in with their parents, or even those who never left the nest.

I'm not anymore. Things have changed so much since I was a young adult, leaving home in the mid-'80s.

Living on your own is expensive. Well-paying jobs, especially at entry-level, are increasingly scarce. And taking on massive debt for a college degree is no longer a ticket into a decent job.

Moving out of your parents' house after high school and living on your own has been the expected thing here in the US for a few decades, now. The rite of passage of getting one's first crummy apartment was based on the wide availability of affordable rents and jobs that paid a living wage. But neither of those are so widely available anymore. It really is much harder to move out and live on your own--and stay there--than it was when your parents were young.

While the economic realities have changed, the cultural expectations haven't caught up yet. There's still the prevailing idea that if you aren't able to move out on your own, or are forced by circumstances to move back, you're a loser who has failed Adulthood 101. But that's wrong--and anyone who is aware of the current economic and employment conditions should be able to figure that out. Pity most of them don't, as it's not remotely helpful to people in your situation.

That said, I know things are bad for you right now. But you're young, and eventually things will change for you, and they can change for the better. And no, going on the mad spending spree wasn't the smartest move, but when people are scared and stressed and desperate they do crazy things. Learn from that and move forward; don't repeat it, but don't dwell on it either.

People are going to say stupid, ignorant, callous things to you, including people who love you. If they won't be educated, you'll have to learn to let their negativity slide off you. Keep reminding yourself that they are working with a set of outdated ideas that no longer hold true. They're like old folks who yammer on about how pointless the Internet is, and they're just as wrong. Just let it slide, hard as that can be.

And as much as it sucks to be back in your parents' house and back in the suburbs, use it to your advantage. You've got a roof over your head and your basic material needs are met, and that's a start. Use the time you're living there to re-group, to figure out what you're going to do next, and start working out a plan for the future. Find a job, any job--really, it doesn't matter what it is, or even if it's full-time. And despite what some folks here will tell you, sometimes a crap job really is better than no job; the point is to keep some money in your pocket, get you out of your parents' house, and keep you from slipping into the bad headspace that chronic unemployment and dependency bring on.

I don't know what talents, abilities, or interests you have that could be turned into a career, or what educational opportunities are available to you, but consider what's available and what's possible. If there's a community or public technical college in your area, see what sort of programs they offer. In two years, you could have skills in something you enjoy that will allow you to go wherever you like.

As humiliating, demoralizing, and awful as this experience might be right now, that's okay. Don't give up. You are not a loser. There are countless people--many much older than you, and in far worse financial circumstances--who are facing the exact same thing, the same stupid comments, the same needless self-blame.

Take a deep breath, hold your head up high, and figure out where you're going to go next. You can do this.

[Holiday]

No way! You tried something, got an outcome different than expected, and now you know alot more than you knew before! Success! How else can you make progress?

As for the humiliation, that's internal! The only reason it has any power is because you are giving it power through unprocessed emotions. YOU feel bad about the situation, which is the only reason a comment from outside has any power. You can process the emotions through truth and courage. Face what occurred, examine the parts that you consider failings, and either figure out how to view them as success of an unexpected type, or if you can't do that then forgive yourself!

[sweety]

thanks for all the replies,people..well,im trying to aceept that, im struggling to accept ,i know that im still very young but i feel like i will stay in my parents place forever.. im extremelly anxious and worried about the future

[Catlady72]

Aw you are only twenty one sweetie ! So no humiliation there...and remember it won't be forever too, wishing you luck with finding somewhere better in the future, it'll happen

[Newbie]

Don't feel bad. This is just a step backwards in order for you to be able to charge forwards as soon as you have sorted out this temporary blip in your path. It happens to LOTS of people, even really succesful ones. This will just give you the time and energy to regroup, aim for a new job/appartment etc. and then give you the determination to go out and get it.

Here's some inspiration: at the age of 30 (ten years older than you!), Simon Cowell went bankrupt, lost everything, and had to move back in with his mum and dad. Look where he is today.

[Muladhara]

Hey Sweety, I feel you. I'm a 22 year old college grad back with my parents. Sometimes I wonder if getting a tent and living in the woods would be a better option... Other times I'm grateful, accept the challenge, and continue to stick it out. I know it'll get better sooner than later and I'll be gone. You'll be outta there as soon as you focus on what you want.

[dream]

I love what everyone said. I have to admit i left at 20 as well. Then I was laid off at 10 years later and my lease was up. So yes at 30 years of age I had to go back home. I was so embarrassed and I went back to a tiny apartment in a terrible location. I almost slept the night in a park until I humbled myself and asked her if I could stay a few days. That's when I learned how much family love you. They know the difficulties and they believe this is their purpose in life; to care for their kids no matter what age. She asked for nothing until I got a job and saved up to move out. My little sister was so happy she would willingly wash my clothes for me. Talk about humbling. I found out that many people go home for short stays and it's good for you and good for them. I kind of thought your neighbors jokes were cute by the way. The seemed to be trying to make the situation lighter.

You will be fine. I am in my 40's now and I live in a beautiful area and I have children. I still need support now more than ever and they are so gracious and I rarely ask but feel comforted that it is nice to have them around to love me in this way. So start looking for work that will alleviate your anxiety and stress. Until then enjoy your parents.

[Cochonette]

When I left for college at 18, I said, "I'll never go back! I'll never see my mom again!" But I didn't know anything about finding a job, nor have the discipline or skills or confidence to find out. So after freshman year, I ended up back living with my mom for the entire 3.5-month summer. I was totally miserable and thought, "I will do anything, ANYTHING but come back here! I'll go broke and end up on the brink of homelessness if I have to. I will charge my credit card!" So next time I started planning my summer in October. I haven't been back since, and that was more than two years ago. I am becoming more and more independent, even though I still have ridiculous charges on my credit cards from last year.

So you were careless and ended up back with your parents. Now maybe you will be miserable. If you are truly miserable, this should motivate you to not be so careless in the future, just as it motivated me.

[sweety]

thanks again everybody for the answers!
now when i start to feel bad about it again i will come here to re-read the responses

yeah i found out that for me the biggest problem is because im not very humble person,so for me was terrible have to come back,i always was the kind of person that is super indepented and always thinks that never will need favours and help of someone, but now ive leaned two lessons : 1- spend money wisely while living by myself 2- be more humble and stop acting like if i will never need somebody
seems like sometimes is necessary to have a slap in the face

[James81]

I did this almost a year ago. Although, you have a better reason than I did! I moved back because of a bat in my apartment. My intent was to stay there long enough to find another place, but I wound up enjoying being there so much that I've just stayed. I found it really great to be able to repair my relationship with my parents while being there. And just recently I bought my dad a new grill and my mom a kindle to show them my appreciation for letting me stay there.

Plus, just recently I realized just how little time I probably have left with them. They are hitting their 60's now, so it's very possible that they could be gone at any time. I'm glad to be able to spend time with them while they are still here.

Nothing wrong with doing it, chief. Just carry your weight while you are there and find ways to show them your appreciation for letting you come back. I don't think my parents want me to leave.

I'm staying there until I see about this program I get into. If I get into it, I'll be moving up near the college I'll be going to. If not, I'll be looking for a new place soon.

But at the end of the day, the big thing is not to sponge off them while you are there. That is, do things around the house, buy some groceries, whatever...anything you can do to through in on the duties of the house.

And when you get back on your feet, find your own place again (if that's what you want).

[James81]

Gah! Pwnt by an old thread. LOL.

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by James81

Gah! Pwnt by an old thread. LOL.

Good thoughts though, especially since a lot of people are probably in this situation over the past couple/few years.

[CroMagna]

Try fostering gratitude. A lot of people these days don't have jobs.

A lot of people still living at home are much older than you. My aunt was living with my grandmother until the age of 55.

I'm from the third world so it's common for people to live at home into their mid-thirties.