Question for gay men who

[Lioness]

have been married or in longterm relationships with women. As far as I know, men can't fake arousal. If you are primarily attracted to men, how were you able to perform with your wife/girlfriend? Did you fantasize about a guy in the process? Or are you somewhat attracted to women also (physically)? Even if you suppress your true sexuality, the body's response can't lie, can it?

The reason I ask is because I just read an account of a woman who was married for 10 years to a guy who finally came out. She had some clues, but not as far as their sex life, which was fantastic and frequent until the final year. I have heard other wives declare that they had absolutely normal relations with their spouse and were stunned to find out he had a secret life. How is this physically possible? (I'm talking intercourse, not pleasuring the woman in other ways.)

[aelle]

I am not a gay man, but have heard friends share their experience on this topic. It all comes down to the myth of binary sexuality. A man who identifies as gay is not necessarily 0% attracted towards women, or attracted to 0% of the women. They are, however, significantly more attracted to men than to women, enough to define as gay.

Many gay men fooled around with women before coming out - sometimes through genuine desire, sometimes as exploration, sometimes as an attempt to convince themselves they are indeed straight (these are from direct testimonials ; while it's anectodical evidence I'm not putting words in anyone's mouth). In fact, it's so frequent that the risk of teenage pregnancy is higher among LGBT teens that among their straight peers (source).

As for how it's "physically" possible, there may be enough attraction, or enough willpower. As far as I know, men do manage to perform even in completely not sexy settings - donating sperm comes to mind. Or it can be a simple physiological reaction to a stimulation.

[rickrock]

I have had this question too. I asked my brother who for most of his life identified as strait. Aelle has the right info. My brother said it was fantacy and willpower.

[votoshka]

Well obviously I'm not a gay man... But I knew a couple where the husband was gay. They stayed together for 10 years (they broke up for awhile when he came out and then got back together!!!!)

By this time they had a couple of kids, and they loved each other, but their love wasn't really equal. The man considered himself gay, not bi...

Sexually, he couldn't perform oral sex on his wife, as it made him feel physically sick, and he preferred anal sex (however, they did conceive three kids).

Ultimately, they got divorced, and now both are much happier and better off!

Anyway, I guess for awhile he faked it... and then, he couldn't keep up the lie. I still can't quite understand why they got back together after their first separation, but I believe he had such a hard time from friends/family that he basically jumped back in the closet and slammed the door shut (they also moved some distance away from home to have a fresh start). Ultimately, though, their marriage failed and he was able to embrace his gay life, while his ex-wife was able to get married to a man who truly appreciated her as a woman!

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

compartmentalizing emotions on a pathological level.

[Lioness]

Originally Posted by aelle

I A man who identifies as gay is not necessarily 0% attracted towards women, or attracted to 0% of the women ... men do manage to perform even in completely not sexy settings - donating sperm comes to mind. Or it can be a simple physiological reaction to a stimulation.

Thank you, this makes sense. Men (in general) seem to be more easily "stimulatable" than women.

As for how it's "physically" possible, there may be enough attraction, or enough willpower.

This is what I was having trouble with. How can you "will" yourself to have what is normally a spontaneous and involuntary reaction? But I guess it is possible to develop some degree of control over this.

[curiouslyrandom]

I've dated men whom I would consider bisexual, but considered themselves straight. Sometimes I heard other people say they thought these guys were gay and couldn't understand why I was dating them!

Binary sexuality really is a fallacy. I identify as bisexual myself, but prefer to have relationships with men. The men I consider bisexual were amazing lovers, but also had interest or already had sexual experience with men. It took a while for me to get used to it, but now it doesn't bother me.

[Cochonette]

Am I the only one who thinks this question is silly and could equally apply to anyone? How do straight women get bicurious and physically aroused by other women to have sex with them? Just think of all those porn videos where straight women have sex with each other so men can watch them on screen! They look utterly bored while doing it!

[Lioness]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Am I the only one who thinks this question is silly and could equally apply to anyone? How do straight women get bicurious and physically aroused by other women to have sex with them? Just think of all those porn videos where straight women have sex with each other so men can watch them on screen! They look utterly bored while doing it!

Sorry my question seemed silly to you, but I got some pretty intelligent and non-judgemental responses, so it was worth it to me to risk showing ignorance. After all, they say the only dumb question is the one unasked, right?

Your observation about women in porn vidoes illustrates my whole point. Women can fake it in a way that men can't; some are just better actresses than others.

As for the bi-curious, that's a whole different scenario than a man being able to force his body to respond to a woman when he doesn't have a natural attraction to women.

[scotthegeek]

don't know if this will make any sense. its just the way I thinking about it. if you where blind folded and you had a man then a women touch you sexually it wound feel the same. sexual touching feel good coming from either sex.

walking down the street it is obvious what your sexual orientation is by what you see. but tough can over rule vision if you don't let your thinking get in the way of how you should behave.

If you believe that a certain behavior is wrong and shameful and I feel you or a bad person than what choice do you have but behave in a way that you expect you should. some people feel the need to be seen as good at all cost even if it means they will be unhappy.

I sometime wish a was gay and happy. but I have gone my whole life thinking sex was bad or feeling so undeserving and unwanted.

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Am I the only one who thinks this question is silly and could equally apply to anyone? How do straight women get bicurious and physically aroused by other women to have sex with them? Just think of all those porn videos where straight women have sex with each other so men can watch them on screen! They look utterly bored while doing it!

It doesn't 'equally apply to anyone' because women don't have to have an erect phallus to have intercourse - and an erect penis would indicate some kind of arousal.

[Cochonette]

Sorry my question seemed silly to you, but I got some pretty intelligent and non-judgemental responses, so it was worth it to me to risk showing ignorance. After all, they say the only dumb question is the one unasked, right?

Not sure why you are taking offense to the word "silly." I didn't say "dumb," and besides that's ableist.

As for the bi-curious, that's a whole different scenario than a man being able to force his body to respond to a woman when he doesn't have a natural attraction to women.

Well, I don't have a penis, so I am not entirely sure how that works. But as a female, I can tell you that a woman needs to be aroused as well, and they are not "faking" it. The might be faking that they are lesbian, but they are not faking that they are having sex and being physically stimulated. People wouldn't masturbate if it required a physically present partner of a particular sex (or at all) to be physically aroused. Actually, the women in porn videos tend to look bored if they're having sex with men as well, but it especially stands out to me when they are pretending to be lesbian... perhaps because I am assuming they're mostly straight women just ironically doing it to please men.

[Lioness]

Originally Posted by scotthegeek

if you where blind folded and you had a man then a women tough you sexually it wound feel the same. sexual toughing feel good coming from either sex. .. tough can over rule vision if you don't let your thinking get in the way.

Assuming you mean touch, not tough, I agree. I used to think a woman could not rape a man because intercourse can't happen unless the man feels desire. But if he was blindfolded and subjected to touch/stimulation, he could respond against his will.

It seems nearly impossible, though, that a man could mentally blindfold himself for years, but I guess they can.

I sometime wish a was gay and happy. but I have gone my whole life thinking sex was bad or feeling so undeserving and unwanted.

There is so much acceptance of all lifestyles now. Maybe you can find a support group or counseling that would help you feel better.

Elrond: That's exactly what I was trying to say, I just couldn't find a delicate way of putting it! Thanks!

[scotthegeek]

Originally Posted by Lioness

There is so much acceptance of all lifestyles now. Maybe you can find a support group or counseling that would help you feel better.

thanks. I'm in therapy but I don't think it will help much. I'm not gay but I was trying to make the point that if I could feel loved and happy by being gay I would. I feel bad about all sex or at least indifferent but now that I'm have the feelings I don't know how to get my needs meet . but I'm coming to realize that It has more to do with self worth. to keep from getting hurt I don't get close to people.

[SlicK]

Even if you suppress your true sexuality, the body's response can't lie, can it?

Sexuality is mainly psychological.