I just can't get a boyfriend

[Nimue]

Hi guys, I'm new to this part of the forums but I really need some advice.

I've been a self-centered loner for several years. This means I'm a "late bloomer": 23-yr-old, been interested in love for the last 5 years only (love as dating in general, 3 yrs for the "other" part ) and never had a relationship or even dated someone for more than 3 dates. I look good and have interests-the problem is, I obviously lack experience, so don't always know what to do, or even how to share experiences in a way that doesn't feel simply friendly (except from the cliché approaches cinema-bar-study for two-random flirty compliment at random moment).

But I've done my tries. so here's material for troubleshooting: Whenever I let one chase me he is let down and quits, when I feel confident enough to do the initial move they're turned off and go away. The 1-2 I have approached as friends, and the friendship worked, wanted to remain friends. The only guy I've kissed was a foreigner who (1)told me a compliment or two (2) had the b***s to ask me for a kiss at the first date (it wasn't love, I didn't even really know him, but it was great). The guy would leave after 2-3 days for his birthplace, as did several others I've met from this or other countries. The other overconfident guys I've met were "get-to-the-point" kind of guys, except one who just managed to have bad quarrels with all my friends at the first time they met. Oh, and one friend who turned lesbian was kinda persistent, only I don't swing that way .

The top was a guy who called me at his house to show me his Marvel Encyclopedia, offered me something to drink, after some talk got up and took off his shirt...then wore another shirt and kept talking me about comics and videogames. I do like these topics, but...when I would go I tried to kiss him but he kept staring me in the eyes with a hypnotized smile. He was very handsome, so maybe he was waiting for me to throw him on the bed or something? I never found out.

And then are the cases where there simply wasn't chemistry. Once we had a model at the art class (young, great body, totally naked-I've never been that concentrated before ) At the break I tried to start a relaxed talk to see what could happen, but it just wouldn't roll. My friends have suggested me to try pushing things with cute-looking guys other times, but not everyone "clicks" to me, and if I feel pushed things get worse (my first love was a skinny geek...we had a pleasant yet innocent mental connetion, as love was one-sided)

Finally, I'm afraid to try relationships with guys I know from university-they all know each other more or less, so I can practically go only for one, and if I do something stupid everyone will know, which I can't stand as I'm already not exactly the social freak with the secure supportive connections. Too much anxiety for me. Oh, there was one "outsider" whom I really liked from first sight, and things looked good, but the moment we were left alone to chat he started talking to me about his girlfriend and how together they are. Awesome. Took me some time to get over it.

So you see I'll either mess up things or be simply unlucky. I'm not waiting for a prince, just for a nice guy who will stand out from the crowd-stand out in my own eyes, not nessecarily to the others. But how do I tell them not to expect me to act like an "experienced" person? And tell them without turning them off? And do I have to "go naughty" before the 4th date at the age I am in order to stand a chance? I mean practically speaking, not what should theoretically be the right thing. I have no idea what to do anymore. Any suggestions please?

[Savage]

I could suggest that you keep practicing or engage in some kind of self-analysis to figure out what's going wrong, but intuitively I don't see anything wrong other than a possible mismatch of styles. Maybe the approaches you've tried just weren't a good match for you. There are more creative ways to explore relationships that may be a better fit for you, especially if you feel a bit socially awkward in a typical dating situation (which is very common btw).

I personally find regular dating to be a bit weird -- it seems awkward and slow. So I find other ways to connect that are a better fit for me.

Also you look like a wolf, so maybe start with a good shave or waxing to see if that helps. Some guys are turned off by excessive hairiness.

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I could suggest that you keep practicing or engage in some kind of self-analysis to figure out what's going wrong, but intuitively I don't see anything wrong other than a possible mismatch of styles. Maybe the approaches you've tried just weren't a good match for you. There are more creative ways to explore relationships that may be a better fit for you, especially if you feel a bit socially awkward in a typical dating situation (which is very common btw).

I personally find regular dating to be a bit weird -- it seems awkward and slow. So I find other ways to connect that are a better fit for me.

Also you look like a wolf, so maybe start with a good shave or waxing to see if that helps. Some guys are turned off by excessive hairiness.

Wow, I had sensed a special first post coming, but definitely wasn't expecting you. thanks for the fast reply

So I'm not the only one who finds typical dates awkward? That makes me feel better, as it's supposed to be the natural way of doing things. And maybe I haven't been creative enough, true. I should start working on ideas *rubs hands*.

The last suggestion was a little...unexpected, and I have it covered, but thanks. The problem is that no one has come close enough to see (By the way my head hair is untamed and sort of wolfish. The guys from my class said they looked awesome in the microscope anyway ) In matters of appearence I just avoid heavy makeup or showing too much. I feel awkward when causing too much attention, and irritated when I'm a wallflower, so I try to be near the middle. That doesn't count as downgrading myself, does it?

[ginkgo]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

Also you look like a wolf, so maybe start with a good shave or waxing to see if that helps. Some guys are turned off by excessive hairiness.

Also it looks kind of cold to be living outside with all that snow. Seriously if you do show a picture, maybe we can tell you how good you look and how to improve how you look. I told my neighbor that I was interested in her friend. She (the friend) had a boyfriend but they (neighbor and friend) would sit on the roof outside our windows and sunbathe.

I heard them talking about me being interested. The woman that I liked was around 19 years old. She was telling the neighbor (this is an extreme case) that she is constantly being asked out by guys of every age, everywhere that she goes. She said that a boy that was 14 years old asked her out. Also a guy in his 60s also asked her out. I did see her sunbathing outside on the roof topless. In the song, California Gurls, they call that "sun kissed skin."

But I believe that how you look and how things work out are based on karma, meaning that if you do good things then good things happen to you.

[AVTechman]

Originally Posted by Nimue

Wow, I had sensed a special first post coming, but definitely wasn't expecting you. thanks for the fast reply

So I'm not the only one who finds typical dates awkward? That makes me feel better, as it's supposed to be the natural way of doing things. And maybe I haven't been creative enough, true. I should start working on ideas *rubs hands*.

The last suggestion was a little...unexpected, and I have it covered, but thanks. The problem is that no one has come close enough to see (By the way my head hair is untamed and sort of wolfish. The guys from my class said they looked awesome in the microscope anyway ) In matters of appearence I just avoid heavy makeup or showing too much. I feel awkward when causing too much attention, and irritated when I'm a wallflower, so I try to be near the middle. That doesn't count as downgrading myself, does it?

I am 10 years older than you, and I would be considered a very late bloomer lol. I am sure there are always ideas on how to reach out to those that you may find a common interest with. Being a loner, I can relate to that because I have been one for years, so it can be a bit tough to get out there when it comes to trying to find someone that you can connect with.

Its a good thing to try to not overexpose yourself too much (as you said with the makeup and such) but try to be more true to yourself. I guess relationships can be very complicated when it comes to compatibility, but stick it out, it will all come into play.

[Brutha]

But how do I tell them not to expect me to act like an "experienced" person? And tell them without turning them off?

You don't really have too. I also don't think it will really turn a guy off.

And do I have to "go naughty" before the 4th date at the age I am in order to stand a chance? I mean practically speaking, not what should theoretically be the right thing.

Practically speaking the girl who tries to "go naughty" before she feels comfortable with it is likely to be perceived as needy.

You might be comfortable with it at the 2nd or the 5th date. The number doesn't really matter. What matters is how you feel.

The top was a guy who called me at his house to show me his Marvel Encyclopedia, offered me something to drink, after some talk got up and took off his shirt...then wore another shirt and kept talking me about comics and videogames. I do like these topics, but...when I would go I tried to kiss him but he kept staring me in the eyes with a hypnotized smile. He was very handsome, so maybe he was waiting for me to throw him on the bed or something? I never found out.

Other people can be shy as well.
Maybe he mistook some nervousness on your part as disinterest.

After that meeting you could have sent him an SMS saying that you enjoyed hanging out with him and would appreciate hanging out again.

Especially if you want it to go slowly it's a good idea to verbalize the fact that you liked a hanging out with a guy.

In general it's the guy's responsibility to escalate a relationship while it's the girls responsibility to signal interest.
That's no hard rule but especially if you are inexperienced it might be good to follow it.

Smile. Seek eye contact. Give the guy compliments. Tell him after a meeting that you enjoyed it.

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by ginkgo

Also it looks kind of cold to be living outside with all that snow. Seriously if you do show a picture, maybe we can tell you how good you look and how to improve how you look. I told my neighbor that I was interested in her friend. She (the friend) had a boyfriend but they (neighbor and friend) would sit on the roof outside our windows and sunbathe.

I heard them talking about me being interested. The woman that I liked was around 19 years old. She was telling the neighbor (this is an extreme case) that she is constantly being asked out by guys of every age, everywhere that she goes. She said that a boy that was 14 years old asked her out. Also a guy in his 60s also asked her out. I did see her sunbathing outside on the roof topless. In the song, California Gurls, they call that "sun kissed skin."

But I believe that how you look and how things work out are based on karma, meaning that if you do good things then good things happen to you.

Thnx for the reply
I feel ok with my appearence, people tell me I look very good anyway Maybe because of the karma thing, I'm "the good girl" But that's why I get a little shy when I'm dressed, for example I prefer tight, well-ironed jeans than mini skirts and revealing dresses (I do wear if I go out sometimes, but I feel kinda restrained)

So at the next house you have two girls who like sunbathing topless... you lucky bastard There's probably some reality to what she said, you know. I had a friend who was asked out by a lot of guys-without sunbathing topless-so I can believe what she said to an extend. As for the ages, I've been asked out by guys from 17 (I look young) to 38 (they like younger girls). A 32-yr-old was preparing to propose me while he had just seen me once, it was weird O_o I told his cousin to calm him down.
I also knew of a girl who was for 3 years with a guy 20 yrs older, married, with kids. It's a freaky world.

By the way all the 30-yr-olds I've met were weird. The one who nearly proposed me, another who almost got me to meet his mother from the second date (both telling me I look like "girl for the house" O_o) another who strongly advised me to get a job as a whore (he said it more politely, but it was the same thing ) another was a cousin and still flirted with me, another was an employee for house-selling and told me to see him as my brother (right after meeting me) and still tried to find excuses from his job to come at the appartment, and another was a pizza boy who used the phone I had given to tthe pizza shop to send me messages, like "do you want to live strong experiences?" Only one asked me out normally, and he was over 30. Is there something wrong with that age?

Originally Posted by AVTechman

I am 10 years older than you, and I would be considered a very late bloomer lol. I am sure there are always ideas on how to reach out to those that you may find a common interest with. Being a loner, I can relate to that because I have been one for years, so it can be a bit tough to get out there when it comes to trying to find someone that you can connect with.

Its a good thing to try to not overexpose yourself too much (as you said with the makeup and such) but try to be more true to yourself. I guess relationships can be very complicated when it comes to compatibility, but stick it out, it will all come into play.

Wow many thanks for posting. And there I thought I was the only one
My friends have blamed me many times for hesitating to give a chance to someone, so it's really nice to know there is someone who understands me out there

I don't know about being too true, usually being too sincere doesn't help. I'm studying at a University department we are taught stuff like physics chemistry and quantomechanics, in my free time I like reading books, comics and manga, I'm slightly addicted to MMORPG, draw paintings (I've sold 1-2), sometimes sing/play music/dance/cook sushi and other stuff for a change, like knifes and blades (I have a sword in my room), and my favorite sport is fencing. I don't watch TV. Also I'm not much of a talker, and when I push myself to speak usually say something stupid, or with a shrieky voice. I used to have these at the open, but it makes guys back off. Which doesn't really surprise me. Some things should be revealed slowly and carefully.

And I still don't know what to do with guys expecting me to have the sexual history of the average girl and act like it. It's a pressure I don't know how to handle at all. I seem either hesitating/uninterested while I'm not, or anxious which makes things difficult to work. It's a stop. But it's not like I can tell someone "hey, I'm a 23-yr-old virgin, and I'm shy because I've stopped being closed to myself only 4 yrs ago". It's highly embarassing.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Nimue

I don't know about being too true, usually being too sincere doesn't help. I'm studying at a University department we are taught stuff like physics chemistry and quantomechanics, in my free time I like reading books, comics and manga, I'm slightly addicted to MMORPG, draw paintings (I've sold 1-2), sometimes sing/play music/dance/cook sushi and other stuff for a change, like knifes and blades (I have a sword in my room), and my favorite sport is fencing. I don't watch TV. Also I'm not much of a talker, and when I push myself to speak usually say something stupid, or with a shrieky voice. I used to have these at the open, but it makes guys back off. Which doesn't really surprise me. Some things should be revealed slowly and carefully.

Ok, I'm sold.

Where are you from? I'd like to take you out. I'm 28, so I'm not weird yet.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Nimue

Thnx for the reply
I feel ok with my appearence, people tell me I look very good anyway Maybe because of the karma thing, I'm "the good girl" But that's why I get a little shy when I'm dressed, for example I prefer tight, well-ironed jeans than mini skirts and revealing dresses (I do wear if I go out sometimes, but I feel kinda restrained)

So at the next house you have two girls who like sunbathing topless... you lucky bastard There's probably some reality to what she said, you know. I had a friend who was asked out by a lot of guys-without sunbathing topless-so I can believe what she said to an extend. As for the ages, I've been asked out by guys from 17 (I look young) to 38 (they like younger girls). A 32-yr-old was preparing to propose me while he had just seen me once, it was weird O_o I told his cousin to calm him down.
I also knew of a girl who was for 3 years with a guy 20 yrs older, married, with kids. It's a freaky world.

By the way all the 30-yr-olds I've met were weird. The one who nearly proposed me, another who almost got me to meet his mother from the second date (both telling me I look like "girl for the house" O_o) another who strongly advised me to get a job as a whore (he said it more politely, but it was the same thing ) another was a cousin and still flirted with me, another was an employee for house-selling and told me to see him as my brother (right after meeting me) and still tried to find excuses from his job to come at the appartment, and another was a pizza boy who used the phone I had given to tthe pizza shop to send me messages, like "do you want to live strong experiences?" Only one asked me out normally, and he was over 30. Is there something wrong with that age?



Wow many thanks for posting. And there I thought I was the only one
My friends have blamed me many times for hesitating to give a chance to someone, so it's really nice to know there is someone who understands me out there

I don't know about being too true, usually being too sincere doesn't help. I'm studying at a University department we are taught stuff like physics chemistry and quantomechanics, in my free time I like reading books, comics and manga, I'm slightly addicted to MMORPG, draw paintings (I've sold 1-2), sometimes sing/play music/dance/cook sushi and other stuff for a change, like knifes and blades (I have a sword in my room), and my favorite sport is fencing. I don't watch TV. Also I'm not much of a talker, and when I push myself to speak usually say something stupid, or with a shrieky voice. I used to have these at the open, but it makes guys back off. Which doesn't really surprise me. Some things should be revealed slowly and carefully.

And I still don't know what to do with guys expecting me to have the sexual history of the average girl and act like it. It's a pressure I don't know how to handle at all. I seem either hesitating/uninterested while I'm not, or anxious which makes things difficult to work. It's a stop. But it's not like I can tell someone "hey, I'm a 23-yr-old virgin, and I'm shy because I've stopped being closed to myself only 4 yrs ago". It's highly embarassing.

Well based on that description,
you "look very good", have lots of interests and geeky interests.. There'll be plenty of dudes interested in you, it sounds like it's entirely your shyness that's the issue, I'd say. The virginity won't be a detriment to many guys, if any at all..

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by Brutha

You don't really have too. I also don't think it will really turn a guy off.
Practically speaking the girl who tries to "go naughty" before she feels comfortable with it is likely to be perceived as needy.

You might be comfortable with it at the 2nd or the 5th date. The number doesn't really matter. What matters is how you feel.
Other people can be shy as well.
Maybe he mistook some nervousness on your part as disinterest.

After that meeting you could have sent him an SMS saying that you enjoyed hanging out with him and would appreciate hanging out again.

Especially if you want it to go slowly it's a good idea to verbalize the fact that you liked a hanging out with a guy.

In general it's the guy's responsibility to escalate a relationship while it's the girls responsibility to signal interest.
That's no hard rule but especially if you are inexperienced it might be good to follow it.

Smile. Seek eye contact. Give the guy compliments. Tell him after a meeting that you enjoyed it.

Thanks for the reply It does turn them off here, going to bed with someone before really seeing if you're any match is quite common. And...well...guys of these age are quite needy, and want to see if someone is good in bed before risking of going on emotionally They think of hanging out for walk and talk as something for kids only. I don't want marriage, just for the experience not to be empty.

Well, yes, I thought that may have been the case...I did call him few times, but he kept "missing for buisness at his hometown" and dated him only 2 more times. It didn't work out, I think he was just trying to pass his time in the end. Or decided I'm just too boring

Nice rule I'll keep it in mind.

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by James81

Ok, I'm sold.

Where are you from? I'd like to take you out. I'm 28, so I'm not weird yet.

Announcer: "The sweet, non-weird James81 is sold to the lady with the wolf avatar"
I'm from Greece, are you near?

Originally Posted by brendannz

Well based on that description,
you "look very good", have lots of interests and geeky interests.. There'll be plenty of dudes interested in you, it sounds like it's entirely your shyness that's the issue, I'd say. The virginity won't be a detriment to many guys, if any at all..

It's probably just my shyness, you are right. I just don't know what to do or say next sometimes. I cover up with humor whenever I can, but this usually pushes me towards the "friendly" side.
Guys still put the sexual appeal above the geekyness, so even if I look good, if I don't have the right attitude I could drive away someone I like away. Which I have done before. There are hardcore geeks too, but they are hard to find, as they tend to lock themselves in a room with a PC...

[James81]

Originally Posted by Nimue

Announcer: "The sweet, non-weird guy here is sold to the lady at the left seat"
I'm from Greece, are you near?

Whoop.

Neeeext....

[SlicK]

I think that you don't have any problem. You're just selective which is good. The thing with being very selective is that you also have to be very keen and learn to read people so you can find the ones compatible to you. There's also a way of being which attracts such persons in your life but I can't quite explain it. I can just tell you for a fact that for example at me it has ALWAYS been like this: when I knew EXACTLY what kind of person I want in my life, it showed up in 30 days max.

I suggest you think long and (hard) easy about what kind of guy you want in your life. Maybe you already do/did that. It is important to be enthusiastic about it like you're just about to receive him .

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by James81

Whoop.

Neeeext....

I guess that's a no, then. It's a pity. Maybe at the next auction

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by SlicK

I think that you don't have any problem. You're just selective which is good. The thing with being very selective is that you also have to be very keen and learn to read people so you can find the ones compatible to you. There's also a way of being which attracts such persons in your life but I can't quite explain it. I can just tell you for a fact that for example at me it has ALWAYS been like this: when I knew EXACTLY what kind of person I want in my life, it showed up in 30 days max.

I suggest you think long and (hard) easy about what kind of guy you want in your life. Maybe you already do/did that. It is important to be enthusiastic about it like you're just about to receive him .

Oooh, that's a very good one. When I know exactly what I want it tends to appear in a strange way, too, so this trick may work for me

I'll start the visualization by the middle of my exams, thanks for the tip

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Nimue

I'm from Greece, are you near?

If you ever make it to NZ, you can give me a call. Pig and a wolf, bound to get along..

[James81]

Originally Posted by brendannz

If you ever make it to NZ, you can give me a call. Pig and a wolf, bound to get along..

See, there ya go. You've got male suitors lined up all around the world wanting to date you.

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by James81

See, there ya go. You've got male suitors lined up all around the world wanting to date you.

Haha, you guys really made my day! (And, most importantly, got my hopes up. It's so nice to to know that some people out there actually like who I am, instead of freaking out )

I'll keep a list if you don't mind, I don't know where in the world I'll go if the crisis in Greece keeps up

By the way nice avatar, brendannz, did you draw it?

[Wax Frog]

Originally Posted by Nimue

I'm from Greece, are you near?

Originally Posted by James81

Whoop.

Neeeext....

Hoplon, hop off!

[brendannz]

[QUOTE=Nimue;682379]

Haha, you guys really made my day! (And, most importantly, got my hopes up. It's so nice to to know that some people out there actually like who I am, instead of freaking out )

You're welcome..

You could say I'm going through a similar thing, and recently I found a girl I get along really well with who wanted to cuddle but didn't want to kiss... that was kind of confusing

By the way nice avatar, brendannz, did you draw it?

Thanks! Yep, if you click on my link below, it's in Other Works --> cartoons

[Nimue]

[QUOTE=brendannz;682405]

Originally Posted by Nimue

You could say I'm going through a similar thing, and recently I found a girl I get along really well with who wanted to cuddle but didn't want to kiss... that was kind of confusing

Thanks! Yep, if you click on my link below, it's in Other Works --> cartoons

A friend of mine did that to her bf for some time...a kiss is a very emotional moment, especially the first one, so maybe she had a hard past with boys and is afraid to let herself free from the beginning. A cuddling may be very comforting and calming for a girl, so it's a sign she feels safe with you. (Except if you mean "the cuddling", in which case things may be a little more complicated emotionally) I wish things work out for you both

You have your own gallery? I'm jealous! You have some great pieces in there, I especially like your abstracts !

[brendannz]

[QUOTE=Nimue;682440][QUOTE=brendannz;682405]

I wish things work out for you both

Thanks!

You have your own gallery? I'm jealous! You have some great pieces in there, I especially like your abstracts !

Thanks,
I learnt some web design and built it myself..

[Nimue]

[QUOTE=brendannz;682451][QUOTE=Nimue;682440]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Thanks,
I learnt some web design and built it myself..

Really? It's nicely done, relaxing and appealing
Keep it up

[Brutha]

It does turn them off here, going to bed with someone before really seeing if you're any match is quite common. And...well...guys of these age are quite needy, and want to see if someone is good in bed before risking of going on emotionally

A lot of guys prefer to have sex as soon as possible.
That however doesn't mean that it's the way to maximize attraction. People value stuff that they have to work for more than stuff that they get without effort.

I don't advocate playing hard to get for the sake of game playing. If you however act in a way that's uncomfortable for you your behavior is likely to be unattractive.

, sometimes sing/play music/dance/cook sushi

If you like dancing:
Taking up a partner dance such as salsa or tango is a good way to overcome shyness.

But it's not like I can tell someone "hey, I'm a 23-yr-old virgin, and I'm shy because I've stopped being closed to myself only 4 yrs ago". It's highly embarassing.

The only thing that prevents you from saying something like that is your own shyness.
If you could say that sentence authentically it's even attractive. A bit of vulnerability is sexy.

It didn't work out, I think he was just trying to pass his time in the end. Or decided I'm just too boring

You could write him an email:
"I'm at the moment looking inside myself and try to improve myself. If looking for some constructive feedback:
Why did it work out between us?
Was I too needy? Was I not showing enough interest?

And I still don't know what to do with guys expecting me to have the sexual history of the average girl and act like it. It's a pressure I don't know how to handle at all.

That problem doesn't exists mainly in your own mind.
Don't try to be someone your not. Be yourself. Be authentic.
If you make that decision you won't feel the pressure to be someone else anymore.

[spacecadetglow]

I haven't read all the replies in this thread, so if this has been mentioned, apologies...

I think what needs most work is confidence! From your posts you seem to have a lot of personality and good sense of humor. Work it, girl! Don't feel too awkward about not being very experienced, just go with the flow. Don't feel like you have to know when the "right time" is to do something... if it's right, it will be organic and require very little effort or thought on your part.

Also, know what you want. If you're just looking for practice engaging with people, it seems like that's what you've been getting. Get a clearer picture of what it is you truly want (long term commitment, casual hookup, whatever) and try to visualize it happening. Good luck!

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by Brutha

A lot of guys prefer to have sex as soon as possible.
That however doesn't mean that it's the way to maximize attraction. People value stuff that they have to work for more than stuff that they get without effort.

I don't advocate playing hard to get for the sake of game playing. If you however act in a way that's uncomfortable for you your behavior is likely to be unattractive.
If you like dancing:
Taking up a partner dance such as salsa or tango is a good way to overcome shyness.
The only thing that prevents you from saying something like that is your own shyness.
If you could say that sentence authentically it's even attractive. A bit of vulnerability is sexy.
You could write him an email:
"I'm at the moment looking inside myself and try to improve myself. If looking for some constructive feedback:
Why did it work out between us?
Was I too needy? Was I not showing enough interest?
That problem doesn't exists mainly in your own mind.
Don't try to be someone your not. Be yourself. Be authentic.
If you make that decision you won't feel the pressure to be someone else anymore.

You think so? Looking around, I thought the "waiting" could work only on younger ages...so thanks for the comment And I'm a little uncomfortable in front of guys I don't know, so that may be visible...hmm...

It's funny you mentioned tango, I was thinking of starting this year I'd probably better do it

He has changed e-mail, but if I see him again and find the chance I'll ask him, why not?

I'm afraid to seem weak, now you mention it-because I'm shy already and don't want to seem weak on the top of it. I'll find a way to try next time though, I have nothing to lose really. Sexy, eh? Never thought it could ever be I'm still afraid that being myself I'll have a hard time to communicate with others...I've been thrown to the corner several times and hate going through it again. I prefer being simply ignored or remaining a listener than laughed at. (I've been through earhquakes, fires and secondary school with great cool, but when it comes to socialization I get really anxious, believe it or not)

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

I haven't read all the replies in this thread, so if this has been mentioned, apologies...

I think what needs most work is confidence! From your posts you seem to have a lot of personality and good sense of humor. Work it, girl! Don't feel too awkward about not being very experienced, just go with the flow. Don't feel like you have to know when the "right time" is to do something... if it's right, it will be organic and require very little effort or thought on your part.

Also, know what you want. If you're just looking for practice engaging with people, it seems like that's what you've been getting. Get a clearer picture of what it is you truly want (long term commitment, casual hookup, whatever) and try to visualize it happening. Good luck!

You think so too, eh? All right everyone, I note working on my confidence in #1 of my list. If this is what everyone sees, I should definitely put some more brains into it And visualization as #2.

Hmm...maybe I'm overthinking the topic, you think? I don't know, I should probably just relax and let the events work for me...I'm kind of panicked when I feel the other person may have all the control he wants on me, though, so I can't just relax without knowing someone well, even if I know he doesn't mean harm...

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by Nimue

I'm kind of panicked when I feel the other person may have all the control he wants on me, though, so I can't just relax without knowing someone well, even if I know he doesn't mean harm...

This last part is interesting to me... I have the same problem. I mean, it's good to approach cautiously, but always rely on your intuition. If you get the vibes someone is trying to control or use you, listen to yourself.

Do you think any of your past situations might have created this panic? Did you ever feel taken advantage of? Your past could have an impact on how you're approaching things now. Just mentioning this because it might help you understand yourself better.

[curiouslyrandom]

Nimue, you'd fit right in with the guys I hang out with. We're all sword/knife carrying geeks who play RPGs on Saturday nights, eat a lot of sushi, and basically have very strange social skills. Several of my friends are programmers or work in the tech industry.

Trust me, there are men out there who you will click with. You just haven't found them yet, and you have a way to go before you really find who you are, too. You're only 23! That's pretty young, believe it or not. You have many, many years of dating left. Enjoy them, and don't feel like the clock is ticking.

I used to get hit on by guys over 40, starting when I was in my late teens. I don't mind it so much now that I'm closing in on 40 myself, especially as these guys tend to be more settled, successful and mature than guys in their 20's.

[SlicK]

Oooh, that's a very good one. When I know exactly what I want it tends to appear in a strange way, too, so this trick may work for me

I'll start the visualization by the middle of my exams, thanks for the tip

And I'm not even saying it's all magic. The most important thing of knowing what kind of person you want is that it makes you much more keen. It gets your mind SET.
One time I wished really hard for some kind of girl and it was all magic because the way I met her didn't depend at all on my side. It just weirdly happened through some events.
Another time I just decided what kind of girl would be right for me and after a while I have realized she was there all along. A friend of mine had what I needed so from girl friend she became my girlfriend exactly the day I have realized she has what I want.
Subconscious, universe, law of attraction.. who cares.. it works

[Nimue]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

This last part is interesting to me... I have the same problem. I mean, it's good to approach cautiously, but always rely on your intuition. If you get the vibes someone is trying to control or use you, listen to yourself.

Do you think any of your past situations might have created this panic? Did you ever feel taken advantage of? Your past could have an impact on how you're approaching things now. Just mentioning this because it might help you understand yourself better.

Good question...it's a veeery long and old story, really, I thought I had stopped frowning over it but it may still affect me. I wasn't raped or something, just had some uncomfortable moments. I'm not sure it's worth mentioning, but there you are.
Warning-whining ahead

2 yrs before secondary school I changed school, going from a place where everyone accepted me, to a place where no one would give a damn for the new weird kid. At secondary things got worse, as the girls started to care mostly for hairdos and dates and boys for expressing their tetosterone. I was ugly that time, and couldn't raise my voice because of throat problems. I tried stay quietly in the corner and out of trouble, but guys kept insulting me badly, which I couldn't stand and ended up fighting. Fighting, like, for real, with 2 or 3 at a time (such knights ), I would end up with inkinesses or high fever because of my anger and hurt pride. Someone had tried to make me give him money, and others have imobilized me on the wall with all their weight. They only caught my butt, it was at the middle of the school after all, but it felt so horrible having to stand their breath on my neck and swears in my ears while they could theoretically do anything. There were good guys-one even liked me, but I was in such a bad social favor that he backed off before anything could happen. I tried to get a better place by (1) speaking to others, and I was the only one expelled from the 30 kids speaking, (2)copy/cheatsheet at a test as half the class, but a girl gave me in to the professor AFTER the results were out, and everyone else started swearing on me again, (3) to joke around, but some idiot pushed me down the stairs, (no harm done, I just couldn't move an inch for several minutes)...and so on. If I didn't have my best friend, that angel, I would have gone insane instead of just closing to myself.

After 2 yrs of that I moved to another school. People there were nice, so I could finally get my quiet corner. Took me some time to calm down, some more time to start speaking to others (I participated in the debate team and at the school elections just to manage speaking again-it worked) After 2 yrs I was simply an absent-minded shy girl, and wasn't afraid anymore. But that was the time for the national exams and I preferred to study all the time. I reached university without going out with friends more than 2-3 times in my life. But I still had a problem with guys as something more than friends, bc of some minor events that added to my bad memories. For example, one day I was sitting alone in the class (tuition center, not school) and a guy with who we barely said hello came in and asked me to go around the corner for a quick ♥♥♥♥♥. He was pretty angry when I denied and slammed the door leaving. And that cousin of mine who grabbed my "thingy's" area-I'm not 100% sure he didn't do it by mistake but I was pretty freaked out and ran away. I had never heard of much positive coming out of a relationship, anyway. I had come to fear my own sexuality. I was even being offensive at guys who seemed to be interested in me, turning them down coldly. I just didn't want to drop any portion of my defense for any reason.

At university I happened to meet a good old friend who helped me to stop being so closed to myself and consider going out with guys again. So I'm in my right mind now. I just need more social practice or something, I guess.