Do I have to "play it cool" and play stupid games to have a succesful relationship?

[FutureShock83]

Is it always necessary?

I hear this a lot, but you see (apart from maybe music) love and relationships seem to be one of the few things that I have passion and excitement for. We all have our interests and things that bring us joy and if mine is love, why should I be forced to have a frivolous and light hearted relationship where I have to act cool all the time? That's not the real me? If I have a romantic nature why should I be forced to block that part ouf of me and be something I'm not? If I'm crazy about someone why should I have to hide that? What if I don't enjoy "treating them mean to keep them keen"?

But I know that if you don't play it cool some people will take all the love you give them for granted and lose interest... so am I doomed to have a frivolous light-hearted relationship where I have to hide how much I love them and have to play stupid childish games all the time?? Or do people exist who wont mind me wearing my heart on my sleeve and don't require me to play games, act less interested than I really am etc...

I'd just like a relationship where I can truly be myself and it's not a struggle where I have to second guess what's coming next and worry if my behaviour is too much or too little etc... is this possible or do even the happiest of couples still have to play games and "keep each other on their toes" which doesn't seem loving to me...

[Lovable]

This is a good question and one I am keen to understand! I know a lot of people say you shouldn't play games to score a date or stay in someones life but I'm starting to think to a degree, a little bit actually helps.

I come from the same belief as you that I would prefer not to play games and just want to put myself out there, I'd rather be accepted or even rejected for being true, I would rather be upfront and open. But too upfront and too open could equal too attached or clingy to others, so we alter our behavior to not scare someone off. So perhaps to a point this is game playing..?

I would love to think that there is someone(s) that we can be free and open with out there, without any scary labels when it comes to dating

[FutureShock83]

Originally Posted by Lovable

But too upfront and too open could equal too attached or clingy to others, so we alter our behavior to not scare someone off. So perhaps to a point this is game playing..?

Yeah, but if we're too cool or distant then we could scare off a different person because they think we're not interested and don't love them! Argh... you see, when we play games we always have to second guess the other person and it's easy to get it wrong... annoying!

[Lovable]

Originally Posted by FutureShock83

Yeah, but if we're too cool or distant then we could scare off a different person because they think we're not interested and don't love them! Argh... you see, when we play games we always have to second guess the other person and it's easy to get it wrong... annoying!

This is so me! Where's the happy medium? Just having faith that the right one will allw you to feel comfortable enough to be the real you? I'm trying this at the moment because I don't want to miss out on a chance with someone for not being me. I figure that seeing as I caught his attention without knowing it, being my usual self, I should have faith that he likes me to be the way I am, not this push and pull of emotions and attention that were 'taught' to give.

[Brutha]

If you can stay with your thoughts in the moment and be present than you don't need to play games.

If "not playing games" however means that you aren't present but focus on outcomes of the interactions it doesn't work well.

Games are a bit a crutch to signal that one doesn't focus on outcomes of interactions.

[Medea33]

Originally Posted by FutureShock83

But I know that if you don't play it cool some people will take all the love you give them for granted and lose interest... so am I doomed to have a frivolous light-hearted relationship where I have to hide how much I love them and have to play stupid childish games all the time?? Or do people exist who wont mind me wearing my heart on my sleeve and don't require me to play games, act less interested than I really am etc...

My cynical self notes that sometimes people who describe themselves as wearing their hearts on their sleeves are really just going around doing the emotional equivalent of shouting, "Love Me, Love Me," which doesn't usually result in a balanced or sustainable relationship.

However, if your heart is outside of your body because of a sincerely loving approach to life, with no thought to what sort of reciprocity you expect from a partner, there's no reason to play games. That sincerity - without neediness - can be very attractive.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by FutureShock83

Is it always necessary?

In my opinion and experience, it is never necessary. It's a choice you can make, but you don't have to in any way.

why should I be forced to have a frivolous and light hearted relationship where I have to act cool all the time? That's not the real me? If I have a romantic nature why should I be forced to block that part ouf of me and be something I'm not? If I'm crazy about someone why should I have to hide that? What if I don't enjoy "treating them mean to keep them keen"?

You don't have to do any of this.

But I know that if you don't play it cool some people will take all the love you give them for granted and lose interest...

Then these people are not a good match for you, that's all.

so am I doomed to have a frivolous light-hearted relationship where I have to hide how much I love them and have to play stupid childish games all the time??

No, you're not.

Or do people exist who wont mind me wearing my heart on my sleeve and don't require me to play games, act less interested than I really am etc...

Yes, they do exist, and you can attract them.

Originally Posted by Medea33

My cynical self notes that sometimes people who describe themselves as wearing their hearts on their sleeves are really just going around doing the emotional equivalent of shouting, "Love Me, Love Me," which doesn't usually result in a balanced or sustainable relationship.

However, if your heart is outside of your body because of a sincerely loving approach to life, with no thought to what sort of reciprocity you expect from a partner, there's no reason to play games. That sincerity - without neediness - can be very attractive.

I agree.

When you are being clingy and needy, and your attentions feel more like cries for attention, and your I love you's sound more like love me's, then that is a turn-off for others. So some people advocate pretending you are less interested etc. It might appear to work, because that is just a way of hiding neediness.

Neediness is not to be hidden, it is to be healed from the inside. When you let go of it and are truly loving while standing firmly on your own two feet, then that makes you very attractive to others, and you will attract people who are just as genuine as you are.

Also, love is not something we give or receive, it is an energy we tune into. When we vibrate with love, other people around us feel loved, we feel loved ourselves, and we attract people who also vibrate with love. We don't need to give love in order to receive it, as it is always available to us anytime we want.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Games are a bit a crutch to signal that one doesn't focus on outcomes of interactions.

I agree.

When instead of trying to signal something that isn't true, you get to the point where you really aren't attached to the outcomes of interactions, because you are so much in your own power and so much connected with love that you know you can deal with any outcome... then you really don't need games.

[puguglypress]

If you're "crazy about someone", it's really up to them whether they're comfortable with that or not. It can be wonderful and ego-stroking, or it can be overwhelming and burdensome. That's why falling hard for someone is a very real risk, and most people don't do it lightly until they really, really know the other person.

Think about it from their perspective. If you're obviously crazy about them, then either they have to be equally crazy about you, accept an unequal partnership with a vulnerable person, or break up. If you "play it cool", and they do the same, then neither party has to be forced into one of those "intense decision" moments, and the relationship can continue while both partners test the waters.

(Geez, I should take my own advice sometime.)

[curiouslyrandom]

That sincerity - without neediness - can be very attractive.

Oh, yes indeed. I bombed my last relationship by being too needly. There was a lot of trauma going on in my life so it was understandable, but it really didn't help.

The guys I'm not really attracted to but enjoy being friends with seem to find me most attractive, probably because I don't come across as needy to them. Maybe that's where the idea of "playing it cool" comes from? When you don't look desperate or needy, you are more attractive to a potential partner.

[SlicK]

But I know that if you don't play it cool some people will take all the love you give them for granted and lose interest...

Many people mistake weakness for love then they get to the conclusion that love is something bad that makes people lose interest. Learn to feel/see the difference between love and attachment. When you'll learn to love without becoming attached, you won't have to play it cool or play stupid games anymore. And by the way.. playing it cool only delays the process of a relationship deteriorating. The games you're talking about are just symptomatic solutions, they deal with the effects, not the cause.

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by SlicK

Many people mistake weakness for love then they get to the conclusion that love is something bad that makes people lose interest. Learn to feel/see the difference between love and attachment. When you'll learn to love without becoming attached, you won't have to play it cool or play stupid games anymore.

I agree.

My feeling is that being 'crazy' about someone falls more along the lines of ego based attachment.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by FutureShock83

Is it always necessary?

I hear this a lot, but you see (apart from maybe music) love and relationships seem to be one of the few things that I have passion and excitement for. We all have our interests and things that bring us joy and if mine is love, why should I be forced to have a frivolous and light hearted relationship where I have to act cool all the time? That's not the real me? If I have a romantic nature why should I be forced to block that part ouf of me and be something I'm not? If I'm crazy about someone why should I have to hide that? What if I don't enjoy "treating them mean to keep them keen"?

But I know that if you don't play it cool some people will take all the love you give them for granted and lose interest... so am I doomed to have a frivolous light-hearted relationship where I have to hide how much I love them and have to play stupid childish games all the time?? Or do people exist who wont mind me wearing my heart on my sleeve and don't require me to play games, act less interested than I really am etc...

I'd just like a relationship where I can truly be myself and it's not a struggle where I have to second guess what's coming next and worry if my behaviour is too much or too little etc... is this possible or do even the happiest of couples still have to play games and "keep each other on their toes" which doesn't seem loving to me...

I haven't read the replies to this thread so excuse me if I repeat anything anyone says.

Personally, I am only interested in the girls who you don't need to play games with.

Playing games creates barriers and makes true soul intimacy impossible. (And personally I think soul intimacy is what's worth going for -- anything else is a pale, sickly shadow).

If you haven't found a girl yet who you don't need to play games with, look harder. Alternatively examine yourself and ask yourself what it is about you that is preventing such a woman from appearing in your life. If you're a game player yourself, you'll end up relating with game players who need to be played like a game. It's up to you to leave that vicious circle.

PUA is crap if you are basing your philosophy off anything you've read in that realm -- your soul is the only thing that has a right to tell you what you should be doing with or to a fellow human being.

Be spontaneous and live in reality, not your head.

Andrew

[Angelique]

If you redefine your idea of 'cool' you can always be cool while being your true self.

[JGD]

Originally Posted by

Also, love is not something we give or receive, it is an energy we tune into. When we vibrate with love, other people around us feel loved, we feel loved ourselves, and [B

we attract people who also vibrate with love[/B]. We don't need to give love in order to receive it, as it is always available to us anytime we want.

How do you tune into Love? What is Love? Is it simply feeling good about yourself? Or am I just over-analyzing all of this.

The part "we attract people who also vibrate with love" is a powerfull statement.

I find myself being outgoing and very loving with my immediate family and then when it comes to people I don't know. I get a bit more quiet. Even notice my own voice tone changes vs. if I were talking to my family or lovely nephews.

[wstein]

In short, NO.

If you are trying to have a relationship within the social norm (majority) in the environment of ‘drama and trauma’ (majority), then yes. That still leaves a lot of other options and possibilities but clearly diminishes the potential relationship pool considerably.

Be aware that there are more ‘players’ in the dating pool than in the ‘successful relationship’ pool. Many players tire of the short term benefits of dating and seek longer term relationships.

In the dating pool, ‘cool’ characters have a huge advantage. In the successful relationship arena, ‘stupid games’ are a severe disadvantage.

Personally, I detest the games and have always opted to avoid them. It has meant few relationship opportunities, though I believe more meaningful ones.

NOTE: ‘Successful’ is defined by the individual.

[Bing Wu]

No, it's not necessary

[James81]

Originally Posted by SlicK

Many people mistake weakness for love then they get to the conclusion that love is something bad that makes people lose interest. Learn to feel/see the difference between love and attachment. When you'll learn to love without becoming attached, you won't have to play it cool or play stupid games anymore.

I agree with this.

I wouldn't call it "weakness" though. I would probably label it as neediness, or the need to feel validated through love. Such an example would be expecting someone to say "I love you too" when you say "I love you."

There's nothing WRONG with that, btw. I just think it's a symptom of someone who is not getting some needs met and/or has some unresolved emotional pain.

I think that honest self examination of what you are believing about yourself can help you define whether you are loving from a sense of enjoyment and appreciation for th opposite sex or if you are loving because it's filling some hole you've created by believing things about who you are in moments of past pain.