3 years~I still hate her, very much

[weissichnichtwohin]

She dumped me on June.8th.2004.

That day is exactly the day when I was in Germany for whole 2 years.

I still remember our virginal sex the night before I got on the plane to Germany on June,8th,2002.

How couldn't I?

That is the only sex experience I ever had.

She dumped me for no real reason, she wrote me a email said she "FEEL" that I fell in love with another girl, and she is disppointed that I was not doing well on my study which made she feel "unsafe".

At that time, I was in short of money, I borrowed 100euro to buy her a nice last gift, she happily accepted it.

Days later, she angrily wrote something like this via online chatting:

" You are still a child"
" I am so lucky not to be with a guy as you"
" I can't remember the details of our story"
" our love will never back again"
.......etc

then..she cut off all my access to her.

She changed job, abandoned her email, changed phone number, moved to another place.

I remember, in the last chat, I asked her where is she going'

you know how she answered me? " I even haven't told my collegues"

I love her so much, for these 5 years, I never even kissed any girl.

I hate her so much, I bought a really sharp knife, and for these 3 years, I can't get rid of the idea to scar her face.

Now I am heading back, though I don't know where to find her, I know I must see her again.

I don't know what will happen when I see her again. If she were cold to me, something bloody might happen.

And I know I still love her, if she wrote me a letter like right now, I will forgive her immediately. but I know she won't.

Those love/hate feelings tortured me alot.

I don't want to see anything bloody happens. I tried to forgive her for 3 years, I still can't clear my mind.

I need your advice.

I am now like my nick said "weiss ich nicht wohin ( I don't know where to go)"


btw: don't tell me " you should not see her again", on this point, I am pretty clear, I MUST see her again. Es muss sein.

[Angela]

My dear, this is not love you are feeling. It is something very dangerous, for yourself and any woman you associate with. I implore you to find yourself a therapist NOW (NOW NOW NOW NOW) before you suffer any more about this and before you do something that will cause even more suffering. I think you know the thoughts you are thinking are not thoughts that are in your best interest.

Please? Therapist? Now?!

[soccer7]

well, i have never had a girlfriend and up to now i'm still finding my courage, so i don't think i will be very helpful, but i have done alot of growing this year, and will post what i think to be the most integellent suggestion.

I don't really think she'll be coming back soon according to your story, so try to relax abit, release that death grip on the knife.

Firstly, lets say she comes back and appologise, would you forgive her, and if you can? Then what ? Are you going to risk getting into another relationship with her knowing she what she has done to you ?

Even if you do i recon there will be a certain degree of mistrust, caution and suspicion you will hold against her, is that the kind of relationship to look forward to ?

Secondly, perhaps you can adopt the idea that life is just a series of lesson,
here's a qoute from a book i just brought called "following your heart" by Andrew Mathews

Divorcing someone doesn't mean our class with them is over. If the marriage is finished, but we're still blaming them for your misery and our mortage, we are still hooked to them! We remain linked because there is more to learn.

You say: "But the guy is a turkey! I could do anything but forgive him!" Forgiving him probably would be the hardest thing - and it's probably something you are not good at - so you are getting a chance to practice it. You can postpone the class, but if you want your life (and your hearlth) to improve, you'll have to take it sometimes. While we believe that someone is ruining our life, that belief will make it true for us. It might seem like they are in the way of our happiness. Actually it's us in the way - because we choose how we see people.

I know its not descibing your situation exactly, but there's a similar pattern to be recognized.

I know that this isn't what you want to hear, but i think the best sollution is to let her go, otherwise all your doing is just making yourself miserable. Re-evaluate yourself and try to see where you went wrong, here's another qoute from that same book,

we get in life what we ask for. Bruce charms his women with diamonds and perfumes. When they walk out on him, he claims he's been used for his money. If you go fishing with diamonds for bait, you'll catch fish that like diamonds! is that a surprise?

i'm not saying you did something like the above example, i'm just saying that if you did, then that's where you went wrong. We have the tendancy to blame other people for all our problem but hate to admit that we are also the cause.

Becoming too attached to someone who isn't commited to the relationship is a common mistake, but never-the-less a mistake. So what is the solution? realise that it is a mistake and grow.

[Lychee]

Causing harm to this woman, or seeking revenge if only in your mind is only harming yourself. As they say, it's like drinking a poison and expecting it to hurt someone else. It's clear she doesn't want to contact you, so why press it? She hasn't even tried for two years. Let it go. Save your love for another woman, someone who will really appreciate you. Transform your hate into forgiveness and release yourself of the past.

[weissichnichtwohin]

Originally Posted by Angela

My dear, this is not love you are feeling. It is something very dangerous, for yourself and any woman you associate with. I implore you to find yourself a therapist NOW (NOW NOW NOW NOW) before you suffer any more about this and before you do something that will cause even more suffering. I think you know the thoughts you are thinking are not thoughts that are in your best interest.

Please? Therapist? Now?!

No thanks.
Love is the best medic. but without putting an END to my ex, I cant start a new love. It isnt fair to other girls right?
I know my thoughs is dangerous, but not harmful to anyone else.
I once cut my arm, and took a pic to show her how it is bleeding, and I asked her " May my blood purify your soul?".
Never got her reply.

[Lychee]

Originally Posted by weissichnichtwohin

No thanks.
Love is the best medic. but without putting an END to my ex, I cant start a new love. It isnt fair to other girls right?
I know my thoughs is dangerous, but not harmful to anyone else.
I once cut my arm, and took a pic to show her how it is bleeding, and I asked her " May my blood purify your soul?".
Never got her reply.

You can start a new love by forgetting your ex. You are not allowing yourself to do so because you insist you must do something about it. It is clear that she does not care about you, even when you went to drastic measures to prove yourself. She doesn't care about you, and you are hurting yourself by caring about her. If you know she won't apologize, why do anything? Allow yourself to move on.

[weissichnichtwohin]

lear leg to go:
thank you for your attention.
1. your question is good. I serious though about this. Like when a bowl break to pieces, though you can repair it, the crack is always there.

why I must see her? because I do not accept such an ending. I want to see her because I want to put an END to it. But I am afraid when I see her again,
1) I find I love her more than before
2) something terrible will happen.

as to the money thing, that's not a reason. she knew how much i love her but she still cruelly keep hurting me.

[weissichnichtwohin]

Originally Posted by Lychee

Causing harm to this woman, or seeking revenge if only in your mind is only harming yourself. As they say, it's like drinking a poison and expecting it to hurt someone else. It's clear she doesn't want to contact you, so why press it? She hasn't even tried for two years. Let it go. Save your love for another woman, someone who will really appreciate you. Transform your hate into forgiveness and release yourself of the past.

I've been trying for 3 years.
I DO want to forgive her and release myself.
I can forgive her if only her just wrote me a short message like "are you ok now?". but she never did that.
She missunderstood my love and she didnt even want to understand it.
I know you are right. I think I am reasonable too.
I dont know if I should believe you guys or myself.

[weissichnichtwohin]

[quote=Lychee;51394]You are not allowing yourself to do so because you insist you must do something about it. QUOTE]

you are right, I insist I must do something about it.
why?
she said " I am so lucky not to be with a guy as you"
what?
am I so bad?
I feel sad for her. Maybe she will turn back when she fully understand how much I love her. If she didn't what to understand..........I dare not think further.

[weissichnichtwohin]

ok guys, i must go to bed now.
I know it might be useless to post my story when I had set my mind.
I just feel it is necessary for ME to whrite it down.

hope someone finally enlighten me.

[ElizaJ]

Oh my u need to move on with your life.

You are wasting precious life energy on an endeavor that can bring you nothing but unhappiness. You need to use your life energy on getting rid of all those dark energies/thoughts surrounding you. When you have done that, only then will you be able to move on and find someone else to love.

Good Luck!

[Pegasus]

What is it within the human psyche that demands closure?

Every time you recall an unpleasant experience in your mind, you go through what really happened, what you wish had happened, and every imaginable way it could have happened. You are trapped not only by your past but also by your imagination (including how you envision the future). Do not contact your ex-girlfriend! That only makes things worse. You can only be healed by time, forgiveness, and love – of yourself.

You can’t be trusted to be alone with yourself right now. For the time being, spend time with friends so you won’t be alone with your dark thoughts. When you are interacting with other people in the present moment, it gives you less time to obsess about the past.

Here’s a trick to try if you find yourself suddenly beginning to get angry: first think of whatever specifically triggered that thought, then think of the thought immediately before that one, then think of the thought immediately before that thought. By the time you have gone backwards three or four steps, you should feel calm again.

Therapy is good because you have someone on your side who is objective and can help you sort things out.

[Alvin]

STOP.

weissichnichtwohin, it's dead obvious you're not going to listen to anyone's advice here, so why did you post?

Nobody can tell you what to do, but I will tell you this - if you hurt someone else, mentally, emotionally or physically out of your own hurt - then you're an ass.

Look at what you wrote yourself: '3 years~I still hate her, very much', and you're saying you love this girl?

This is not love, my friend. This is desperation. How long do you plan to let this go on? 6 years? 10? 20? 30 years?

What Angela told you is 100% what you need to hear even if you don't want to hear it, STOP, and talk to someone around you who can help you.

P.S. Here's the real kicker, if you can take it. It's not her you really hate my friend, it's you. And when you can turn that around one day to begin to truly love yourself, you'll look back upon today with real power.

[weissichnichtwohin]

thank you guys.
I will take your advices. I post here because I want to hear opinions. I will try to spend more time with friends and get to know other girls. Though I still feel I should see her again.
At least, I am aware of one thing: " the decisions I made when I was in bad mood will not be the right ones". I guess I will see her again when I am happier and forgived her to some degree ( and forgive myself).

I really apreciate your advices, I believe if none of you agree with my thoughts, then it must be me who is wrong, at least sort of..

[herrkaninchen]

my friend,

Your story is not very much different from what ive ever encountered.

I was 20 and will be facing my A level exam in less than 2 weeks time before my 2 years steady girlfriend dumped me for reason i considered unknown.

Before i proceed consider these condition that happened to me:

1.My previous result is not good for me to be elligible to be granted a scholarship to further my study in the UK.I was struggling to excel in this final A level exam.

2.My exam is just around the corner.Less than 2 weeks time!! Time constraint adding my pressure.

3.My beloved 2 years girlfriend whom I loved very much and never doubt her love and loyalty to me finally call it quit. Being with other guy.
I expect her support during this emotionally stressed moment, but she was just being ignorant.

OK, if you were me.What would you do?

crying and wailing all day n nite?Write suicide letter?Cut yourself?

Please my friend, by doing all of the above will never bring her back to you.
BUT if you really want to take REVENGE on her, you can do that without killing or hurting anyone.

Ok this is what I did. OF course ,I was despondent and was in the lowest state of myself at that time.It is normal to cry for that reason (but i didnt coz i still retain my pride to myself).

1) I cut off contact with her.Delete her phone number.Burn all the fancy birthday/romantic cards and photos( lock away all these stuffs if u want).Delete her email.

2)I avoid myself being alone.Always in the company of my friends.Being in the study group.

3) Talk to my friends whom i trust. Dont expect them to solve your problem.But at least you told them what you feel and they will give you emotional support that will make you feel better.

4)Keep yourself BUSY.Involve in society.Go to gym.Play sports.

5) Always say to yourself or write in a diary that you are going to have a great day/you will be happy/you will be victorious...any positive words and project it in your mind.Think about how successful you are in 5/10 years time.
Whenever you gain eventho a little strength dont bother about anything and continue to work.

5) tHE Most important of all is to gain your SPIRITUAL STRENGTH.Instead of blaming God i took that opportunity to know Him better( I am a Muslim by the way).I always keep my night busy with meditation and prayers (after Ive finished my revision session) instead of binge drinking or clubbing or smoking pot.I read Holy book Al Quran and look at the translation. I really believe that for everything that happened there should be reason from God why He want that to happen to me. Dont expect Gabriel to come in the darkest of night and release you from suffercation by taking you to Heaven!
But personally all the positive words in Al quran lift me up and God give me the strength to overcome this in only a month!


THE RESULTS;

1) By not bothering about the break-up or at least pretend not to bother about it,I studied and worked hard to the last drip of my blood and guess what? I pass the exam with flying colours and be elligible to be granted the scholarship.

2) I got over the emotional stress.I forgive her. And I dont have problem to interact with her now( even if she is with her boyfriend!! I bet she is the one who is being uncomfortable when I am around).

3) You involve in society and you are improving your communication skill.You get to know new friends (even new girlfriend if you like).

4) You always know that your spiritual strength is as hard as steel now.You will welcome any obstacles in life with open arms and you know you are never alone .God is always with you.

6) you are succesfull in your life!!!


come on my friend, dont ever let this thing ruin your life.You only lose a girl.Some people around the world are losing their family, their home and country.
I always believe that you can get over this and be succesfull in your life.
The only thing to make that happen is you have to believe in yourself first.

your friend,
Herr Kaninchen

[weissichnichtwohin]

thank you herr kaninchen
I am impressed by your story, though not very much. why i am so cussed? Though i know she is not the perfect one for me? maybe because she is the first one?
I must figue it out.

[da1prophet]

Geez dude...I'd mix in a trip to a shrink. At this point, you're just hurting yourself. I've been thrown under the bus by countless girlfriends and one wife. It's never pleasant, but the trick is to just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on in life. You eventually learn that you can't put toothpaste back in the tube, and wallowing in this kind of drama is about as counterproductive as anything you can do. Not only is it a waste of mental and emotional energy, but you'll never meet any other woman carrying around that kind of baggage. No one wants to be involved with a restraining order waiting to happen....simply stated, you can't live your live through other people or based on their approval or lack thereof.

You've clearly got issues that go far beyond anything than anyone on this forum can help you with. You need to get some professional psychiatric help before you do something to screw up your life even more....

I could give you a lot of concrete, practical advice on how to deal with a breakup but at this point you're not in any shape mentally or emotionally to even start. Get yourself some help with the goal of moving on with your life. Once you deal with your more serious issues then I--and I'd imagine most other people here--will be happy to provide some advice...

[Trina]

The ways you are talking about this girl scares me, and I am not even dating you. You probably scared her too. No woman worth being with wants a guy that is going to be so obsessed with her that he can't let go after YEARS and cuts himself to prove a point to her. IT'S SCARY.

I think you need to really consider getting your own head straight before you inflict yourself on anyone else. I mean that in the most concerned and caring way possible, I really do.