He is internet chatting - is it cheating? advice please

[smartchicme]

Hi friends!
I'm hoping to get some feedback on this situation. Its complicatied, embarrassing and full of bad ethics & bad decisions on my part, further confusing me about what to do. I feel like you all give very sound feedback and are able to look at all sides of a situation. I find incredible support here (thank you!!!!), so I'm back again...

I've been married only 3 years. My husband cheated on me within 6 months. I found an email she had sent to him. I confronted him. He denied it until I quoted from the email and showed him the print out I'd made. He ended it with her, I believe he was sincerely sorry. We tried again. I wanted to believe it wasn't really about me. I went to therapy. I wanted to learn to trust again.

Then I got suspicious, his late nights out "with the boys" and getting on the computer when I'd gone to sleep. So, to confirm my suspicions, I installed spyware on his computer. i can literally read (from my work) every chat room transcript, every email he sends. I feel horrible doing this, but felt like I had to know since my gut, my trust felt lacking. What I found was horrible - tons of sexual talk, exchanging photos, he had a myspace page that says he is single, all of this I found unacceptable. I got mad. Then I caught him in a lie about where he had been one night.

I got really mad. I hired a lawyer and kicked him out. The lawyer told me that program I put on his computer is illegal. Under no circumstances should I reveal to anyone what I'd done. So I didn't. In discussions with my husband about why I wanted a divorce, we covered ALL other topics. We've even been in very helpful couples therapy, covering all other topics about what went wrong, how it can be better. My self esteem when it comes to him being with other women, my lack of trust, even the affair I had (which he didn't know about), etc.

I know he loves me. I know he wants to try again, for real. He moved back in, its been 5 months like this...therapy, slow steps, good talks. Curious, I checked the spy software yesterday and he is at it again. Its all chat with strange women about bodyparts and what he'd like to do, and wants them to send him pictures. I don't believe they meet up and do anything. He even uses a fake name and fake age. Its all fantasy on email and phone. But somehow this is still unacceptable to me. I would never! Am I wrong? Am I looking for excuses to not trust? Should I delete that spyware and never look again? Should I tell him about it even though my lawyer said not to? Should I keep it as a check-in?

Advice, please. I am so uncertain about if I should be back with him again or not. Unclear if blind trist is better than knowing, scared about the hole it might dig in me later...

Much appreciation,
a slightly completely confused woman

[Margaret]

No one can tell you what to do that is something you will decide for yourself. Even if you removed the "Spyware" you would know that he was flirting in chat rooms because you have caught him so many times. You need to decide what you want for yourself. If your husbands behaviour is something you can accept then it is not a problem. Will it result in his being unfaithful again, perhaps. You must take him out of the equation and focus on you, what do you want in a husband. Can you stay married to a man who is addicted to chat rooms and the excitement he feels from meeting and exchanging sexual conversation with strangers. It may be that he cannot stop, that he has some kind of an addiction. Some men like the challenge, they like the chase and they find it a way of life they cannot give up even though they are married to someone they really care about. You dont say if there are children involved. If there are the situation is more complicated. If I were you I would stay in therapy and work on myself. Eventually the answer as to what you should do will be very clear.

[Margaret]

Smartchic, I read your other posts. I have one other suggestion, make sure you feel that the therapist you are seeing is really helpfull. You must feel comfortable with him/her and better about yourself than you felt prior to seeing the therapist. There is nothing wrong with shopping around for someone you really like. Again, this is about you.

[kgiuliani]

Do you love him?

Can you accept him for who he is and what he does?

You can only change your thoughts and your behaviors although you can ask him to change his.