I don't feel attracted to my girlfriend, but I do feel it towards her best friend....

[coastal]

So, I'm becoming infatuated with my girlfriend's best friend.

I've known this girl for a few years, I actually even lived with her for a while when she was dating one of my roomies. I though she was a wonderful person, but I didn't have any sexual fantasies or romantics feelings for her. She dumps the guy and leaves town. She comes back and our little group goes out for dinner. I finally got the chance to talk with this girl in depth and I started to feel something. She's funny and extremely intelligent, carefree and she just exudes so much vibrance and energy it's blinding. At that time I just felt she was a breath of fresh air in our little group. The only thing my girlfriend reads are blogs and she's at the intellectual high end of our group. Her best friend read Jane Eyre. I like Dostoevsky novels, I'm not trying to be an elitist but there is a serious divergence in the intellectual interests of my girlfriend and me. I assumed though I wanted to be around her friend for a little conversation. Then my girlfriend suggested a threesome with her. Being the red-blooded American male that I am I told her she didn't even need to ask. Things are a tad complicated. My girlfriend (five years we've been together) was a lesbian before we started dating and her bestie leans more to women than to men (her choice in men reflects this). So they both assure me that they'll do no wrong and nothing behind my back. To be honest I kinda want them to, it'd would help me assuage my guilt.

We go up there to visit her, have our trist and I wish that was that. But we also spent a whole week with her. I got a glimpse at who she was day-to-day and that was it for me. At the time my feelings seemed strictly platonic. She was a lovely person and a good friend with some amazing benefits. We go home and for the first week my girlfriend and I are close than we've been in months. Then after that week it was like my interest just dropped off. When she kisses me I feel nothing, but a slight sense of repulsion as though she was a stranger. When we're intimate certain aspects of my anatomy aren't cooperating and when we go out for dates I find myself easily irritable.

My girlfriend isn't unattractive, but she's not in the best of shape, so I've been trying to convince myself that that's the problem. Her friend is extremely attractive and I work out a lot, so maybe I've become shallow in that respect. The only thing is that was never a problem before I got to know her friend better. I want more than anything else for this just to be lust, but it isn't. I'm genuinely smittened with that girl and I'm at a loss for what to do.

I'm not simple enough to think I can be with her friend, but I don't want to leave my current girlfriend either. It should have been obvious to me that this would happen someday. My current girlfriend asked me out and I barely enjoyed our first sexual encounter, but I stayed with her because I enjoyed her company and it was convenient. I was never attracted to her before we started and now I'm feel just like that again. I guess I'm just a coward. I think I'm in pretty good shape, but I'm just no good when it comes to talking with women, I've had no practice in my adult life. So, I think I'm just hiding in this relationship, but it was fine when I had feeling for her. Now, she's just a really good friend.

I know if I had any sense I'd break up with her, but the two of them want to have more meetings with the three of us....

[Indiana]

It's a pity about your crush, but it seems like the chance that you could break up with your girlfriend and start a relationship with her mostly-lesbian best friend without any damage to their friendship is vanishingly small.

Given that your girlfriend definitely deserves better than a boyfriend who is staying with her out of apathy, I think the best thing would be to break with her and leave her to the comforts of her best friend, who you should also cut off contact with, mostly for your own sanity.

There are plenty more fish in the sea who won't be so dreadfully messy to catch.

[Weena]

Originally Posted by indiana

it's a pity about your crush, but it seems like the chance that you could break up with your girlfriend and start a relationship with her mostly-lesbian best friend without any damage to their friendship is vanishingly small.

Given that your girlfriend definitely deserves better than a boyfriend who is staying with her out of apathy, i think the best thing would be to break with her and leave her to the comforts of her best friend, who you should also cut off contact with, mostly for your own sanity.

There are plenty more fish in the sea who won't be so dreadfully messy to catch.

+1

[coastal]

Your suggestion is the most sensible course of action, but at the same time it’s hard for me to detach myself. I keep trying to convince myself that this will pass and I’ll have some feelings for her again. We’ve been together for so long.

[James81]

Do you think it's a coincidence that you are simultaneously LOSING attraction for your girlfriend and GAINING attraction for someone else?

[mindset]

Originally Posted by Indiana

It's a pity about your crush, but it seems like the chance that you could break up with your girlfriend and start a relationship with her mostly-lesbian best friend without any damage to their friendship is vanishingly small.

Given that your girlfriend definitely deserves better than a boyfriend who is staying with her out of apathy, I think the best thing would be to break with her and leave her to the comforts of her best friend, who you should also cut off contact with, mostly for your own sanity.

There are plenty more fish in the sea who won't be so dreadfully messy to catch.

I totally agree! Someone will eventually get hurt. Why prolong the agony if you obviously aren't that happy anymore. It's always difficult to leave someone who you've been with for a long time but wouldn't the time be more wasted if you continue on with a relationship that you feel you're less interested in? Think about it.

[MidasGirl]

How do you know they don't have the hots for each other and are planning (and wondering how) to run off without you? I wouldn't give myself so much credit. Be radically honest and talk to your girlfriend about this. Not in a mean insensitive way. But I wouldn't want someone that is no longer attracted to me to stay with me, personally. Out of some strange sense of obligation or something. There are plenty of fish in the sea for her too.

As for what would happen with her friend if you decided to go for her... Well, depends on how much risk you (and she) plan on taking. You are assuming she'd even be intrigued by the idea of a relationship with you. But personally I wouldn't sign up for expectations that have nothing to do with my authenticity. I'd say, go with your hearts desires, but realize that everything comes with it's own load of risks. Even the decision not to risk loving is still a risk.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by coastal

Your suggestion is the most sensible course of action, but at the same time it’s hard for me to detach myself. I keep trying to convince myself that this will pass and I’ll have some feelings for her again. We’ve been together for so long.

That you've been together for so long simply means that you have been inauthentic out of fear for so long. How long do you want to keep living disconnected from yourself?

I agree with the others, she deserves better than a guy who stays with her out of fear and convenience, and there are plenty of wonderful guys (or girls) for her out there. And you deserve better than to remain stuck in a relationship with a girl you are not really attracted to. You are not doing anybody a favor by staying with her.

Imagine your life with someone who truly turns you on at all levels of your being. You can have that! You just need to make space for it first, to allow it to come into your life. You can't attract the new while still focusing like crazy on the old.

I know detaching and jumping alone into the unknown is scary. But the new arises from uncertainty.

I suggest you sit down and examine what exactly it is that you are afraid of. Maybe talking about it with someone who asks you questions without judgment would help.

Then what you could do is look your fears into the eyes, and love them. Shine some love onto them. Imagine your fears as cute little animals, like a baby fox, for example. Imagine a beam of green light coming out of your chest and surrounding them, bathing them in love. Love is powerful, it heals everything, especially fear.

You can do this every time a fear arises. After some time, fear will dissolve, and you will find it easier to take action towards what you really want.

Love,

Rosine.