Opinions, is it better to have loved and lost or to have never lost at all.

[Williamjw]

Hi all,

It's a question i have been pondering over for a long time; is it better to have loved and lost and had one's heart broken or to have never felt the spell of love?

In my personal opionion i honestly don't know, i've had my heart broken 3 times which hurts alot.

But i still wonder if it would have been worse if i had never loved at all?

Comments or opinions?

[marinik]

So then the title of the tread should be Opinions, is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all. ?????

[metamorph]

Loving and losing of course!

The art is to love and lose without breaking your heart over it. Well, I guess the art is not to lose at all, but...

[Magicinthenight]

Loved and lost for sure. I've learned so much from those experiences and while yes, they all hurt like hell, I also wouldn't ever trade them away.

[st33med]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Loving and losing of course!

The art is to love and lose without breaking your heart over it. Well, I guess the art is not to lose at all, but...

If your heart doesn't break, what was the relationship's value to you?

If you don't lose, what will you learn? Will you deny that your relationship has problems?

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by st33med

If your heart doesn't break, what was the relationship's value to you?

There are different levels to it. I would assume most people feel some loss and feel sad if their partner leaves them. But heart-break to me means weeks and months of suffering/sulking/self-pity/obsessive thoughts that somehow you will get your partner back etc. Not sure if that is what the OP meant. But, I think heart-break by my definition is avoidable (and you can still have genuinely loved).

Originally Posted by st33med

If you don't lose, what will you learn? Will you deny that your relationship has problems?

When I meant not losing, I mean not splitting up in the first place

[st33med]

Originally Posted by metamorph

There are different levels to it. I would assume most people feel some loss and feel sad if their partner leaves them. But heart-break to me means weeks and months of suffering/sulking/self-pity/obsessive thoughts that somehow you will get your partner back etc. Not sure if that is what the OP meant. But, I think heart-break by my definition is avoidable (and you can still have genuinely loved).

Heartbreak for me is grieving over the lost relationship. I know that it is gone, and I don't look for ways of having it back because that is torture. Even when I do that, the grieving process is still hurtful.

When I meant not losing, I mean not splitting up in the first place

Oh ok.

[Williamjw]

Heatbreak for me means the sae as what metamorph said, whic hin short= hell!

I can imagine nothing worse than it tbh.

which is why i asked the question.

But have still had no proper answers to only politians answers.

[MidasGirl]

Meh. I don't see my past relationships as having lost anything. I loved when I loved, and I let go when it was time to let go. I don't pine over any of my past lovers. I learned what I was in it to learn. And I absolutely do not consider them "losing". I am very grateful I loved and learned.

[dap0515]

I don't know if I have ever loved anyone romantically. I've certainly been obsessed with a couple people romantically, and maybe there were elements of love within those obsessions. Would I have preferred to never love/obsess over them? I can unequivocally say yes to that question. I understand that never loving someone would be missing out on a major aspect of life but I would make that sacrifice if it meant living a stress-free existence.

Love, especially of the unrequited variety, expends a lot of emotional energy. I'd rather not deal with it. I'd rather be contented with my other interests and remain preoccupation free. My attraction/obsession/love/whatever it was for these two girls hurt me profoundly, both physically and mentally. If I could go back in time and never meet either one of them, I would gladly choose that path. I don't think I have the strength for romantic love. I'd rather be romantic with someone I like as an acquaintance, so that if I lose her, I can move on as if nothing happened. The expression "ignorance is bliss" applies here. If you never know love, you never know hurt. If you never know hurt, you only know happiness; maybe not utopian happiness (which would be success with love), but you still experience happiness nonetheless.

[secrets0stolen]

Relationships always end (in an earthly sense). Whether it's by death or breakup, love implies some sort of loss at the end. Depressing? Depends on your perspective. I find it freeing to let go of the "happily ever after", and I think it makes the answer to the question obvious. You learn from both love and loss as well, why would you want to cut out awesome experiences?

[dap0515]

I find it freeing to let go of the "happily ever after", and I think it makes the answer to the question obvious. You learn from both love and loss as well, why would you want to cut out awesome experiences?

If you know something is going to imminently end badly, sometimes you'd rather spare yourself the misery and not embark on it. I understand you can say that about life itself (we all die eventually) but we don't feel anything in actual death, whereas at the end of a breakup we're still around to grapple with the aftermath.

[Williamjw]

The question then surely is, is the great feeling of being in love greater and worth the grieving at the end of it?

[ssandra]

I love my husband so much.

Even if he would leave me tomorrow, I would be heartbroken, but I would always value the time we had together, and remember the love we have.

For me, the feeling of love is definitely worth any amount of grief.

So yes, it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.

[Noelle]

having your heart broken is the worst pain imaginable.... I think ignorance really is bliss, in this case

[MidasGirl]

Really Noelle? Even more than lying in bed with cancer for years? Have you guys ever been around a person in real pain, like lupus or multiple sclerosis? How about around a person who's lost their entire family to war?

It's not directed at you Noelle, I'm just perplexed it seems to me people are so sheltered. Being heart broken is painful, very very painful, but certainly one of the easiest to get through and over.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Williamjw

Heatbreak for me means the sae as what metamorph said, whic hin short= hell!

I can imagine nothing worse than it tbh.

which is why i asked the question.

But have still had no proper answers to only politians answers.

So is your actual question "how can you avoid heart-break" ?

Well, as I said it is an art and I am certainly not its master (see my thread on worrying about my ageing parents...).

But in romantic relationships I am getting better

I think it has got to do with how much self-sufficiency and self-esteem you enter a relationship. The more you expect to get from your partner, the more its loss (once the relationship is over) will hurt. Of course there is always a trade-off, and that is why everyone who really cares about the relationship will feel some loss. But I think people who feel pretty good about their life when they are single, may may be less prone to heart-break (by our mutual definition). Because those people do not depend on the partner to make them happy.

[scotthegeek]

I know this is going to sound morbid but I was reading suicide notes of people that die. and I notice that there are 3 treads I saw.

1. there life was good they had everything they wanted but they where mentally or physically ill and could not cope any more.

2. I did not live up to expectations of then self and other there lives felt empty and meaningless. Frauden slip I meant to say they did not. this is the group that I identified with the most.

3. they have lost the love of there life and by far this group sound that they where in the most pain.

I'm not sure if there is point to all this but from that I read don't discount the pain of lost of love has on some people. I think also that the first two group may have been in pain for many years and third group the lost could have been sudden and more intense. I don't have the answer for the OP. I think it is personal thing that can change depending where your at in your life.

[Angelique]

Yeah, heartbreak sucked. But I never would have found out what I wanted in a relationship without it. It's also nice to remember how deeply connected we can be to a person. No regrets, I learned a lot.

[Criseyde]

I'll never know what it's like to never love.

To answer this question, you have to be able to experience both, right? But they're mutually exclusive...

[Angela]

Well, let's see..... I know lots of people who have had their heartbroken, and they're all very cool people, and I've known a few people (not too many) who have never loved at all and don't intend to.

The latter group is no fun at all to hang out with.

Does that answer your question?

[st33med]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, let's see..... I know lots of people who have had their heartbroken, and they're all very cool people, and I've known a few people (not too many) who have never loved at all and don't intend to.

The latter group is no fun at all to hang out with.

Does that answer your question?

Am I a cool person? AmIAmIAmI???? [/AttentionSeeker]

Seriously. Heart break is a terrible thing to feel. It's grieving over what happened or beating yourself over the head by thinking why this happened, depending on how ya think. I've done both in one relationship.

But it is soooo much more worth it to love someone romantically and passionately. All the fun and love is much better than the loss of the relationship.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Meh. I don't see my past relationships as having lost anything. I loved when I loved, and I let go when it was time to let go. I don't pine over any of my past lovers. I learned what I was in it to learn. And I absolutely do not consider them "losing". I am very grateful I loved and learned.

So glad you said it all for me. I just let it go. Not easy sometimes, stings a bit but not like it used to when I was a teen.

[Noelle]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Really Noelle? Even more than lying in bed with cancer for years? Have you guys ever been around a person in real pain, like lupus or multiple sclerosis? How about around a person who's lost their entire family to war?

It's not directed at you Noelle, I'm just perplexed it seems to me people are so sheltered. Being heart broken is painful, very very painful, but certainly one of the easiest to get through and over.

People experience pain differently, what's easy for you to bear might not be so easy for others. I am not sheltered, I've lost friends to leukemia and accidents, and I watched my grandmother die of cancer, I myself nearly died of malaria. Heartbreak,for me, has still been more painful.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by Noelle

People experience pain differently, what's easy for you to bear might not be so easy for others. I am not sheltered, I've lost friends to leukemia and accidents, and I watched my grandmother die of cancer, I myself nearly died of malaria. Heartbreak,for me, has still been more painful.

Yes I can see that it would be for some people. Sorry that it hurts you so much.
Love m

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Noelle

People experience pain differently, what's easy for you to bear might not be so easy for others. I am not sheltered, I've lost friends to leukemia and accidents, and I watched my grandmother die of cancer, I myself nearly died of malaria. Heartbreak,for me, has still been more painful.

Wow! Maybe I take it a bit for granted that I have really mastered using the resources that PD has in place to deal with such issues. It could also be that for me I reframe things very quickly. If somebody is convinced they should leave me, and is determined to do so, then I just quickly reframe my perception as "exactly what was supposed to happen". I wouldn't let myself hurt forever, I use the PD tools I have in place to shift my energy and therefore my way of being.

But yeah, don't take it that I don't have empathy for a broken heart. It just frustrates me that people choose to continue to suffer for it. It's unnecessary.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

But yeah, don't take it that I don't have empathy for a broken heart. It just frustrates me that people choose to continue to suffer for it. It's unnecessary.

You know, I wouldn't exactly call the suffering I've done unnecessary. I mean, strictly speaking, I didn't need it, but in retrospect I can see how useful it was, in a sense.

On the other hand, I agree with you that there are more effective resources for learning than suffering! I look at my younger self with tenderness and amusement, with her choices to suffer and the believing that it was "just how things are" -- as if suffering were reality and unavoidable. I'm not sure I would have fully *gotten* that if I hadn't chosen to do some suffering along the way.

It took believing I had problems for me to notice that my problems aren't really problems.

[180]

There's this article I read about when we get rejected that our brains actually increase intellect to compensate.

I would have to agree with that. I do believe we become better after losing love. We suffer, but that pain and suffering just readies us for our next relationship.

Although some people become "broken" and suffer trust issues. So sometimes it's better to have never loved at all. All depends on the situation.

[ssandra]

as another point of view:

My husband is a wonderful husband, in a great part because he got divorced (she left him, he was mainly indifferent to her).

It was a huge wake up call to him to not take a relationship for granted and that if a partner tells you that they are not happy, or that they would like to see a change, to take that seriously.

So now I have a wonderful husband who actually listens to me and changes if that is needed in the relationship (not who he is, more what he does), while otherwise he would still be this pretty selfish person

[missing]

I'll tell you what the worst is - a broken heart over a relationship that never got started because the person you felt so strongly for never really existed. The feelings were very real though, as was the sense of loss. Perhaps in retrospect I will look at it as the moment that kicked started me into fixing my life but right now I'm very miserable and it doesn't seem to be getting better with time (it's been 3 months). I once had my heart broken in a more "traditional" manner and that was pretty bad but it was tempered by the fact that I was younger (18) and felt that I had lots of time to experience more relationships, and I looked forward to that. If I knew then that I'd go the next 9 years (and counting) without any girlfriends, I may of just killed myself then and there. I think I'm better off for the first experience, but the jury is still out on the recent one. Again, mostly due to the timing.