What if you never find someone?
 

I was just talking to a friend of mine and complaining how hard it is to meet someone compatible (I know I know, if I'm saying such things I'm creating them but that's really not the issue here.. or at least I don't think it is) and they said:

"So what if you don't? What would that mean?"

And that really left me puzzled. What would it mean? If I knew now for certain that I will never meet someone who I want to committ to or even anyone I'd be attracted to ever again. How would that feel?

As it is a pretty fresh thought, I'm still not sure how I'd feel. But the insight is still there: if I'm stuck in a mindframe where not having someone means something very negative and to be fully happy I would need to meet someone... Does that mean I'm not fully accepting the way things are. Because I am single now and if I don't accept this situation (ie. be ok to continue like this) then I'm only creating resistance?

Gah, I'm confused already. However, I'd love to hear from you: what would you feel, how would you deal with the knowledge you'll never be with anyone again? Or is it even a question worth thinking about?

I've been single now for 2 years, and for some reason, people think I should be very depressed about this. I'm not of course. And I don't really think "when is my next relationship going to be??"

To more directly answer your question, as strange as it sounds, if I knew that in the future, I'd never find someone again, I'd be ok. I don't actively seek relationships (i.e., go to places for singles, or try to meet people online), but I'm very open to a relationship if it comes my way. People seem to think that you have to go "looking" or else, "how will it happen?" but my experience has always been that, when a relationship is supposed to happen for me, it happens.

Maybe your feelings are a sign that you should work harder on 1. being happy as you are (single) and 2. not focusing so much on the future

Don't worry about it so much ;)

Oh you're right of course. I am very happy with my life, however I must admit, the thought of never being with someone does feel daunting despite all that. So maybe I'm not as content as I could be.

Most of my friends are in relationships, all of my colleagues are in a relationship so yes, I do find myself sometimes stuck in the frame of mind that in order to have a "complete" life you need a relationship, too. Of course lot of those people have lots of other things which I do not feel any pressure to have. Yet whenever someone says: how come you're still single, it makes me cringe. I don't get the same feeling if someone asks me "how come you don't have a doctorate/kids/big house/etc". So yeah, there is definitely something there I need to work on.

I've been single since my divorce a few years back. I've dated here and there but none of them have been what I call long term partner material.

If you'd have asked me following my divorce my feelings about single forever i would have panicked and probably felt longer term that I would also be incomplete. But as time has passed I've become more interested in my own development, interests, friends and family etc.

I guess because my life has unfolded in such a positive way over the last few years I feel like I have a lot of faith in the future now - whatever it holds. If it's a single but fulfilling life then I can accept that and if someone knocks me off my feet that that would be good as well.

I don't think it's a bad thing to want to have a partner to share your life with - us humans do like to pair up. But I wouldn't accept a compromised relationship just for the sake of having someone in my life. I wouldn't be wanting perfection in another because I can't offer that in return but the person would have to add a lot of value to my life to be in it.

I think what I'm trying to say is - I've let go of the future in that respect. If it happens then great and if it doesn't then I will have a good enough life on my own.

No right or wrong answers or feelings I think.

I thought I would never find one person that encapsulated all that I desired. Unrealistic expectation I thought. I will just have multiple people. All having their area of bestness. I let go. I was okay with it.

Then she showed up.

Absolutely agree. I'm not willing to compromise, yet I do sometimes find myself doubting that decision. Which is why, Pierce, your post really made me smile, it sounds awesome. Aww, I'm such a hopeless romantic, you really should elaborate on how you met her. :)

Why aren't you willing to compromise?

I guess by compromising I meant going out with someone who doesn't attract me instantly or with someone I don't feel connected to on some deeper level. I've never experienced those slow burn relationships, for me it's always been instant attraction or nothing. And at the moment I know I could be in a relationship if I wanted to, with someone I'm not really attracted to. So I meant I'm not willing to compromise in that manner, I know it isn't very clear from the above post.

Yeah, but why aren't you willing to do that?

(I'm curious to see what answering that produces, not asking you to actually do that.)

Oh I know, I'd never be tempted to actually do that. Well, at the moment, this guy I know.. He is great on paper. Literally perfect for me when you think about him as a person and his likes and dislikes. We get on great, too. But. There is not a single ounce of sexual attraction, at least not on my side. And for me, that's a huuuge deal. Now, I've gone out with guys I've not been all that attracted to (but none who have done nothing for me) and it's never worked out well sex wise, so I know for me it's important to have that. He's not ugly or anything, just that he feels more like a safe big brother or something. And I don't want just someone who makes me feel safe, I want someone who I feel excited about.

So, what kind of guy would make you feel excited?

See, that's the hard part. All the guys I've been attracted to and had relationships or ONS or anything with have been just regular guys. Nice guys (as in genuinely nice, not the doormat passive aggressive nice guys), dependable, funny etc. Lookswise, I like taller, scruffier guys, but then I spent two years with a guy who was nearly my height and quite preppy (although I did get him to grow a beard... :D), but basically I like guys who are relaxed and are pretty much guys guys. This guy is all that, too (ok, he could be a little bit scruffier), but still I feel nothing.

So I don't really know except I know how to answer your question except when I meet a guy who makes me feel that I just do. And that's the hardest thing. I can be going out and meeting all these great guys and not feel anything for them and then someone who is seemingly not that much different will just make me swoon. Weird, huh?

Weird, strange, fun, hilarious...whatever you wanna call it. It's all good.

You like guy guys with scruffy scruff, and the one you're with does all of that stuff. :p (I'm a poet and I damn well know it.)

So, what's it like to be swooned by a guy?

Loving your little poem. :D

What's it like to be swooned by a guy? Seriously? What's it like to be swooned by a girl? It's great and feels friggin' awesome. It's that goofy feeling in the pit of your stomach, that can't stop smiling and looking at you and laughing at everything you say and oops when I touch you it feels like a little jolt of electricity and you're just thinking this is FUN and you don't care where it'll end up because you're just enjoying the little sparks and that when is he going to make his move -feeling. It's all that and I so wish someone would bottle it, they'd make millions and I'd sure buy it .

Feels pretty good to think about, though, doesn't it?

You want to do something fun? Try writing a little short story with yourself as the main character, and the whole story is about the swooning. And then post it so I can read it and smile like a hyena.

Yeah, it does feel great to think about. I've written many a scenes to seriously gushy/sexy romantic novels that I never finish, just for fun, but somehow the idea of making me the main character and actually posting it up for the world to see seems a bit too revealing and since you've just gone and evoked images of laughing hyenas in my head it doesn't really help. :D

Ah, a fellow writer. :D

You know what I find most interesting about writing fiction? The fact that my characters are all parts of and elements of me.

So, you've already written it with you as the main character. So you've already done it. Now you can just read and enjoy your unfinished sexy romantic novels, knowing they are all about you.

And then you can know that the feeling of being swooned is something you create for yourself.

Which might offer you a new perspective on looking for guys. You dont' want him to swoon you, you just want him to inspire you to swoon yourself.

Is the guy you're with good at doing that? If not, then perhaps there are other options to explore.

Thank you for that. You know I've never ever seen it that way. What an eye opener. I think the guy I was talking about doesn't really inspire swooning but what a different way of thinking about it. I'm grinning like mad (not like a mad hyena, mind you!) thinking about how I've totally missed this but now I know. That I can make myself feel the thing I've always thought of as so elusive. Man, you're pretty darn good at this.

:D <--hyena grin

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