Ever feel like relationships are too much work?

[Noelle]

I feel like this often! I get overwhelmed too easily and have to step back, and I feel like I let people down because of my need to withdraw. It's easy for me to form friendships and relationships, but much harder to keep them, because after a time it starts to feel like "too much" and I find myself struggling between a need for intimacy and love and a simultaneous and strong need to be alone and free. Does anyone know what I mean? And any advice?

[Solipsist]

Yep.

Be free, say I. Then what happens is that you meet other free people, and form relationships with them.

[Kishka]

Noelle, I relate to your post. I recently let go of a friendship because she was draining me mentally and emotionally. She wanted a 'wall/therapist' to talk at, not an interactive, supportive friendship. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted when I told her I needed to keep my distance. I wished her the best, and that was that. I don't feel one iota of guilt either, I did what was best for my well-being.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Noelle

Does anyone know what I mean? And any advice?

yes ,of course and good friends would understand that

my advice is to just be yourself -
I am the type of person who needs my alone time
so the friends I had -they both moved out of town -used to understand that

[180]

I'm starting to think friendship is useless period.

Friendships are made because it allows us to trade resources. Whatever the resources are: material, emotional, information etc. Humans are born social creatures so we feel good socializing and making bonds.

There people wanting friendship for friendship but we generally find that it's a defensive mechanism so people don't gang up on is, or a need for approval.

But these days there aren't that many resources that aren't readily available. I can get this or that very easily. If not from real friends, but from facebook friends or whatever lol. Do we REALLY NEED friends? If not for the emotional desire for friends, we wouldn't need them at all. We could be perfectly content doing stuff by ourselves.

Everyone WANTS a real relationship with a magical friend that truly understands us and accepts us 100% but it like... never happens if rarely. And the amount of effort in keeping friends usually doesn't end up being worth it. Most of us are tired from work and want to do our own thing, we don't find pleasure in doing "obligatory" friendship bonding.

So I'm sort of at odds with this new generational thinking. Somehow my mind is still warped in the 1960's where people enjoyed lemonade on porch benches and just watching the sunset talking about how Jim drove his truck into the white picket fence and how my wife Margret inside makes killer apple pie. (lol what the hell is wrong with me)

New gen (generation me) is totally F###ed up in my opinion. TV and internet have royally screwed up peoples ability to think on a social level. Including myself at times. We prefer staying home watching TV as opposed to going out and meeting other people. The need to socialize is driven down and it not only affects us but everybody.

Maybe most of you kids are too young to remember (including myself) but back in the good old days there were a lot of parties and socialites. Women would get dolled up and go out and be gossiping and gathering round in dinner parties at other peoples houses and men would be with other men discussing new ventures and possibilities they could do. Of course that still happens but it doesn't occur nearly as much as it did 50 years ago.

[AtomicAnt]

I tried to think what you mean. I think all my good friendships started out that way. When we decided we liked each other, we talked all the time trying to get to know each other, then it naturally died down into a regular pace.

It's just part of the normal curve of getting to know anyone I think. If you aren't used to it, just say you aren't used to it and you need more time alone. But I wouldn't jump ship on the friendship just because you were interested enough in each other to get into it a lot at first. If you don't get excited and jump into it, maybe you'll only get to have boring friends. I never did talk to my boring acquaintances that much.

This is interesting and I am glad you asked the question.

[scotthegeek]

I'm very bad at small talk and find most people don't understand me.

I have only have sex once did not like it much and don't know that it is like be in a relationship . but I have felt very deep bond with a few lady friends that I have know for years but they are in relationships with other men and I want to have the feeling with someone on a regular basis but my social skills are weak and I don't feel I have much to offer anyone.

I'm start counseling next week and I wonder if having a relationships is a worth while goal or is it more pain then it is worth. I see some much pain in world and so many suicide and murders are cause in the name of love.

Scott

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Noelle

...I find myself struggling between a need for intimacy and love and a simultaneous and strong need to be alone and free.

Why not stop struggling and have intimacy and love and be alone and free?

[shakra]

yep..I find them hard work.. especially when one party puts more effort in than the other....

[elucidate]

I came to this conclusion a few years ago and actively wanted NO FRIENDS. This helped me gain my life back in a way, as I was so used to having one person be overly domineering with me and it made it hard to figure out what I want to do. People can be so bossy and the power plays involved with having friendships and relationships in general are too much for me at times.

I have started building friendships again...though, I find that it's back to the same old story again...as nice as it is to have moral support and stuff.

Originally Posted by 180

I'm starting to think friendship is useless period.

Friendships are made because it allows us to trade resources. Whatever the resources are: material, emotional, information etc. Humans are born social creatures so we feel good socializing and making bonds.

There people wanting friendship for friendship but we generally find that it's a defensive mechanism so people don't gang up on is, or a need for approval.

But these days there aren't that many resources that aren't readily available. I can get this or that very easily. If not from real friends, but from facebook friends or whatever lol. Do we REALLY NEED friends? If not for the emotional desire for friends, we wouldn't need them at all. We could be perfectly content doing stuff by ourselves.

Everyone WANTS a real relationship with a magical friend that truly understands us and accepts us 100% but it like... never happens if rarely. And the amount of effort in keeping friends usually doesn't end up being worth it. Most of us are tired from work and want to do our own thing, we don't find pleasure in doing "obligatory" friendship bonding.

So I'm sort of at odds with this new generational thinking. Somehow my mind is still warped in the 1960's where people enjoyed lemonade on porch benches and just watching the sunset talking about how Jim drove his truck into the white picket fence and how my wife Margret inside makes killer apple pie. (lol what the hell is wrong with me)

New gen (generation me) is totally F###ed up in my opinion. TV and internet have royally screwed up peoples ability to think on a social level. Including myself at times. We prefer staying home watching TV as opposed to going out and meeting other people. The need to socialize is driven down and it not only affects us but everybody.

Maybe most of you kids are too young to remember (including myself) but back in the good old days there were a lot of parties and socialites. Women would get dolled up and go out and be gossiping and gathering round in dinner parties at other peoples houses and men would be with other men discussing new ventures and possibilities they could do. Of course that still happens but it doesn't occur nearly as much as it did 50 years ago.

[brendannz]

[QUOTE=180;635392]

But these days there aren't that many resources that aren't readily available. I can get this or that very easily. If not from real friends, but from facebook friends or whatever lol. Do we REALLY NEED friends? If not for the emotional desire for friends, we wouldn't need them at all. We could be perfectly content doing stuff by ourselves.

Yeah true. Google knows more than any friend can know. Friends are good for sharing our progress though, & challenging each other, but can also be a waste of time.. I've been a bit like that with a lot of friends lately, and sometimes I have the best times when I go out all on my own.

Everyone WANTS a real relationship with a magical friend that truly understands us and accepts us 100% but it like... never happens if rarely. And the amount of effort in keeping friends usually doesn't end up being worth it. Most of us are tired from work and want to do our own thing, we don't find pleasure in doing "obligatory" friendship bonding.

Yeah I guess humans are designed to always be seeking freedom, yet always enslaving ourselves in a long term relationship or a job.. So I guess we're always seeking delusional things while living in the gutter, or something..

New gen (generation me) is totally F###ed up in my opinion. TV and internet have royally screwed up peoples ability to think on a social level. Including myself at times. We prefer staying home watching TV as opposed to going out and meeting other people. The need to socialize is driven down and it not only affects us but everybody.

Including myself at times to.. As well, it's changed the way people socialise. Getting all the information for it on the internet with google maps, etc. facebooking the person instead of phoning them, etc.

and also with internet dating there's a real screen-up right away or **** off mentality, instead of taking time to get to know people and accept their imperfections.. I guess

Still, the internet's a tool, and they say a good tradesman never blames his tools, so you could say that it depends how you use the internet whether you become more or less social

[Foggy]

Yes, but it's on a relationship to relationship basis. There are people in my life who are absolutely worth the work that I put in for the friendship. In fact, with these people I would say the relationship is very little work at all because I enjoy nearly all the time I spend with them. However, Most relationships I could do without. I've ended a fair number of friendships recently just by refusing to put anymore work into a relationship with someone who I don't have much of a connection with.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Noelle

I feel like this often! I get overwhelmed too easily and have to step back, and I feel like I let people down because of my need to withdraw. It's easy for me to form friendships and relationships, but much harder to keep them, because after a time it starts to feel like "too much" and I find myself struggling between a need for intimacy and love and a simultaneous and strong need to be alone and free. Does anyone know what I mean? And any advice?

I felt like this a lot more when I was younger. I used to think that I just "needed" my space. I still do like my alone time, but I came to realize that my need to withdraw came more from my internally held notion that I was worthless. I think that I got in the habit of withdrawing from friends as an effort to keep them from learning about my shameful secret.


I truly do feel like I need friendships in my life. If not for anything else than to give my husbands ear a break!

I have learned, however, that I would rather have a smaller amount of close friends than a huge group of less intimate friends.

[Magicinthenight]

I think one of the reasons I love the people in my life so fiercely is because I'm very happy to spend some time alone and do that at least as much as spending time with loved ones. I'm very social and love chatting to people and whenever I'm going through something difficult I depend a lot on being able to talk it through with my mates. But I know I need a lot of space, too.

And I really dislike all those "if I do this for you, you have to do that for me" kinds of rules that some people seem to have. So I try not socialise with people who think that way. I'm pretty lazy yet I don't feel like my friendships are work at all: we hang out, we talk, we have fun, it's not excatly work hey, but then all my friends share the same view.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Magicinthenight

I'm very social and love chatting to people and whenever I'm going through something difficult I depend a lot on being able to talk it through with my mates.

I don't feel like my friendships are work at all: we hang out, we talk, we have fun, it's not exactly work hey, but then all my friends share the same view.

This sums it up for me too!

[AjaTrinidad]

If it ever feels like too much work for me, it's usually because my partner is overly attached to me, or "clingy." When that happens, (if we can't work it out, of course), I just let it go. Ask my ex-boyfriend.

[BillyTheAdult]

It's easy for me to form friendships and relationships, but much harder to keep them

I have the exact opposite problem.

New gen (generation me) is totally F###ed up in my opinion. TV and internet have royally screwed up peoples ability to think on a social level.

I could not agree more. It actually seems to me that they are more inclined to have lots of friends, but more likely for them to be on a totally superficial level.