Divorce & critters...advice?

[Hapafreak of the Universe]

Please... I love & trust y'all here... any input on divorcing & how to responsibly handle issues w/ the children?

[Angela]

Ohhhhh, mannnn..... are you doing alright, hapafreak? I've nevah been divorced, but my heart is with you if you're having a challenging time with this. And even if you're not!

[Hapafreak of the Universe]

Thanks Angela! I am better than ever & my heart is with you as well & I am glad you've not had experience with divorce. I have not as of yet...I am just preparing, getting my ducks in a row, because I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I was just wanting some books to refer to, or some websites? I just want this to go as smoothly as possible for the younguns ya know? Love ya Angela, thanks ,you , beautiful! XO

[James81]

Keep your focus on the kids when dealing with your ex and that will go a long way. I don't mean in that in a "what you should do" kind of way, I mean truly learn to see your ex as a parent of your children and you'll naturally gravitate toward what works.

[Hapafreak of the Universe]

Thanks James, yeah, that's a given. I guess I'm just fearful & wanna take the best approach & thought y'all may know of some helpful resources. There is so much info out there it's kinda overwhelming. I guess I'll just use my intuition & will naturally gravitate to what will work for me/us, sigh. Thanks again!

[rei]

Hapafreak, I don't have any suggestions from direct experience. However, I thought this thread was going to be about pets Interesting mind warp there....

Aside from what James said, I've heard it's important to not trash talk the other parent, or really vent about the parent with the children at all. That would be relating to them as little adults, not as children, and they could feel like they had to choose one over the other. I've also heard it's good to remind them over and over that the decision isn't about them. Not sure how much this will help, though, since I am not divorced myself.

You might try to dig up Steve's blog about divorce, and the thread to discuss it, as there could be some resources mentioned there, which would at least bring you a more manageable level of choices. I don't remember if he spoke of the children in the blog but I think I remember they were mentioned in the thread to discuss it. Wishing you the smoothest possible experience in this situation

[ssandra]

I would highly suggest couples counseling.

Not as a way to stay together, but as a way to talk honestly together about how to proceed with the divorce and what is best for the children.

I would also maybe suggest setting up someone (a friend, a therapist) who is neutral, who your children can talk to.

They might not feel comfortable talking to you about their feelings regarding their dad, or visa versa.

And of course, never fight over the children, have things run as smoothly as possible for them and make it absolutely clear to them (best done together, I think) that the reason you are divorcing has nothing to do with them, but that 2 people simply move in different directions and that you are still friends and still like each other, and still absolutely love them.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Angela

Ohhhhh, mannnn..... are you doing alright, hapafreak? I've nevah been divorced, but my heart is with you if you're having a challenging time with this. And even if you're not!

Smart girl, don't get married and you'll never get divorced.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Hapafreak of the Universe

Please... I love & trust y'all here... any input on divorcing & how to responsibly handle issues w/ the children?

You're divorcing? Can I get your phone number?

[MidasGirl]

seriously though, my advice would be to keep it as amicable as possible. Unless you have loads of assets to split, try and keep the lawyers out as much as you can. In california there's a resource (by lawyers believe it or not) to help people keep lawyers out of folks' divorces. You can probably search your state and find something similar.

The key is to focus on your outcome. What do you want? Chances are if you're the one looking to initiate it will piss the other off. So be ready with a plan to handle that, moreso if you suspect he won't be mature about it.

Many people put the children in the middle, using them as pawns. Worst idea. They'll resent you for it in a way that will never be worth it. Always always choose to be the bigger person. If he's a great dad, or even just ok, no need to try to keep the children away from him. I really dislike the instability caused for children when they have to split homes 50/50 though. Even with joint legal custody, I think it works better if one parent is the main physical custodian, and you can agree on how they visit the other.

The other thing that parents with some money are now doing, is making the home for the kids, and each of them finds their own place, so the parents come to visit the kids, instead of the kids going to visit, if that makes sense. That's what I'd want to do if I had 2+ children to deal with.

Most importantly, I find that this is the time that selflessness is called for more than just about any other time. I figure the kids didn't ask for it, and they are going to pay for it, but make them pay for it in the least painful way possible.

Originally Posted by Hapafreak of the Universe

Please... I love & trust y'all here... any input on divorcing & how to responsibly handle issues w/ the children?

[GhostGoat]

I got divorced a long time ago...we didn''t have any kids, but we did have two dogs. She kept one, I kept one. After we split up, I was depressed, and I could tell that my dog was depressed too...he had never spent any time alone since he was about 6 months old, and I know he missed the other dog (not to mention my ex-wife). So I did my best to try to cheer him up, we'd go on a long walk every day as soon as I got home.

About a year after the divorce, at the vet we ran into my ex-wife and her dog. After we left the vet, we all 4 went over to a big field that we used to live close to, and let the dogs play together for an hour or so...that was so nice, I could tell the dogs loved it. And it was nice to get a little more 'closure', talking to my ex. That's the last time I ever saw her or the other dog.

[Hapafreak of the Universe]

Thanks y'all! XO

Rei, I did try looking for threads like that to no avail

SSandra that's excellent, I will attempt the counseling & I am a peacekeeper for sure, that's why this is so challenging for me...I am dreading the conflict because I do want to protect my kids, but in the long run I believe the short lived conflict will be less harmful than the cumulative effects over time if I did not divorce.

Lol! MidasGirl, sure I'll give you my number, hubba hubba! ;D And if he were mature I probably would not be wanting a divorce I am hoping that things will stay about the same, just we'll be living separately, I work weekends so that's when he would have them. I just hate the heartbrokenishness of it all. I wish it could be different, but some things I can not change, no matter my good intentions & desire.

GhostGoat...awww gotta love critters, thanks for sharing

Thanks again. The more time goes on, the more I see that this is the path I must take & it will be beneficial to all, it's just I hate the heartbreak, it goes against my nature, but to be fair & loving it is what I need do...sigh I can do it & it's all gonna work out & it bolsters my spirit knowing I can count on awesome people like y'all to lend an ear & helping heart, thanks! Love y'all!!! XO

[Hapafreak of the Universe]

Divorce will be final soon, no regrets, the kids are fine & I am creating a life where I am free to follow my heart's desires. In hindsight....wow...yeah best decision ever, not easy, did not want to hurt anyone, but it's so much more wonderful to be honest, truthful, congruent & free!!! Thanks all of you beautiful free thinking people here on the forums! I love y'all!!!

[awdye]

Mine will be final soon too. And...yeah...best decision ever.