Question for ladies (sex)

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by renie408

I don't think so. I hate to sound prudish, but I don't think casual sex would be ideal. Don't get me wrong. I like sex. I just don't think I would want to do it for the hell of it. I think maybe it is social conditioning. I was raised by conservative parents in a conservative community. I can't think WHY you would want to have sex with someone you don't genuinely care about emotionally.

I fail to see how you can't genuinely care about a random stranger emotionally. Is it something only males can do?

[bellbird]

This is definitely one of the funniest threads around at the moment, then again: I don't read every single one. If there's more hilarious ones please let me know. Anyhow: we are discussing the ideal casual sex thing, not what we ourselves are involved in as such (single or not). After reading the above I still stick to my hot and steamy demands. And boy, those musicians get around do they (yeahyeah I know, obviously they DO ). My best friend has a relationship with a musician and he has cheated on her once...... hmmm... what does that tell us? Anyone care to share more about musicians? Any other 'trades' we should know about.....?

[renie408]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I fail to see how you can't genuinely care about a random stranger emotionally. Is it something only males can do?

I care about strangers. I just don't have sex with them. And I have female friends who are able to have sex without forming emotional attachments. I am just not one of them.

I am sure it is a flaw in me. But I don't think it is something my husband would appreciate me trying to overcome at this late date.

Let me phrase it this way...Since my tendency is to need to form an emotional attachment BEFORE I have sex, that precludes the sex from being 'casual' even if it were not a long term relationship. Does that make more sense? I can't seem to have sexual feelings for someone that I am not emotionally attached to. And if you are emotionally attached, how casual can it be?

[maclinda]

This thread is hilarious!!!

So, you're wanting to be a Boy Toy, huh?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by renie408

Since my tendency is to need to form an emotional attachment BEFORE I have sex, that precludes the sex from being 'casual' even if it were not a long term relationship. Does that make more sense? I can't seem to have sexual feelings for someone that I am not emotionally attached to.

I'm merely pointing out that the barrier you posit--genuine emotional attachment--is not the barrier you think it is. I don't care for casual sex myself, but it's not due to any notion of emotional attachment.

Originally Posted by renie408

And if you are emotionally attached, how casual can it be?

Depends entirely on what a person means by "casual". If you define casual sex as sex without emotional attachments, then yes, it is impossible. But if you define casual sex as, say, a one-night stand, an experiment with a stranger, whatever, then emotional attachment does not make it non-casual.

But that's something you have to make clear yourself, or ask the OP.

[renie408]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I'm merely pointing out that the barrier you posit--genuine emotional attachment--is not the barrier you think it is. I don't care for casual sex myself, but it's not due to any notion of emotional attachment.



Depends entirely on what a person means by "casual". If you define casual sex as sex without emotional attachments, then yes, it is impossible. But if you define casual sex as, say, a one-night stand, an experiment with a stranger, whatever, then emotional attachment does not make it non-casual.

But that's something you have to make clear yourself, or ask the OP.

To the first part: Honestly, I really do think I am the best person to decide whether emotional attachment is a barrier for me with regards to casual sex. I *think* that is the reason. At least, that's the way I remember it.

To the second part: I have a radical idea! Let's try using a dictionary to define casual.

1. happening by chance; fortuitous: a casual meeting.
2. without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing: a casual remark.
3. seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; apathetic; unconcerned: a casual, nonchalant air.
4. appropriate for wear or use on informal occasions; not dressy: casual clothes; casual wear.
5. irregular; occasional: a casual visitor.
6. accidental: a casual mishap.


I am not having sex under the conditions set by numbers 1,2,3,5,6. I am perfectly willing to have sex in informal wear.

Really. I don't think that you can convince me that I would. No matter what you think.

[Michael Chui]

Fair enough. Not that I've ever agreed with dictionaries, but fair enough.

[renie408]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Fair enough. Not that I've ever agreed with dictionaries, but fair enough.

It's night time in the eastern United States.

[say]

My guess is that the difference between men/women is that women eventually see men as something that "makes their life complete", as something amusing/entertaining also besides the sexuality. As in, they want to hang out with, be guided by, taken care by, talk with... their men. I think that traditionally a man brought also some "social" value to a woman's life, and this kinda stays in the subconcious, IMHO.
They [women] also get some important emotional content from such non-sexual matters/activities with men.

[A big part of, perhaps not all] men on the other hand are entertained by the sexuality alone. Sexuality in a broad sense, which includes also emotional stuff/tenderness... I think it's difficult for a man to not have an emotional experience when you have an intimate physical contact. So this "not having an emotional attachment" for casual sex, as women say, doesn't make much sense to me, in a way. I mean for me having a (casual) intimate relationship with a woman is very entertaining/fulfulling, also emotionally. I also do care, as in a "friend" way for such a woman. I just don't see the need to hang out with her... to be fulfilled. Actually that can be really tedious, imagine having to go shopping with a woman.

Now I'm on purpose pointing out some aspects and leaving out some others (make it seem black and white). Like, we men also do fall in love and stuff or we really want to have a "serious" relationship and then want to hang out with a woman all day and stuff... but that's something different than casual sex, I suppose.
And we have some female friends which are really entertaining even if there's no sexuality involved.

[Susie]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I fail to see how you can't genuinely care about a random stranger emotionally. Is it something only males can do?

I'd have to say no, it's not limited to males. I also think you can have a spiritual connection during sex with someone you're not in love with, as well, even with someone you don't know very well.

[Susie]

Okay let me think, "ideal" casual sex scenario? A single woman on vacation abroad, a place where she doesn't know anyone. Handsome local with very little grasp of the woman's language besides choice lines of poetry, however he can't seem too sleazy or too pick-up artist. In fact maybe it's better if he's not a local but is also on vacation (and still a foreigner to the woman) so it wouldn't seem like he does this kind of thing all of the time. They originally meet on the beach and later meet at a steamy dance club and the rest is history. In this case it's better if the man is interesting and romantic, the woman still won't expect a future since she knows once the vacation is over she'll likely never see the guy again.

I can't think of a situation where a (non sex-worker) woman would be doing a guy 5 minutes after meeting him unless she had gone to a sex club or a swingers meeting or something, and even then I don't think it happens quite that fast.

[smallstar]

Cheers,

I think the question has a serious flaw in it. You can't just ask such a question and expect a truthful answer.

A survey done in my country indicated that men have an average of 7 sex partners in their life whereas women have 4. Similar surveys exist elsewhere.

I'm sorry to say this, but in this matter, I'd rely more on information gained from so-called pick-up artists.

-SS

[say]

Originally Posted by Susie

Okay let me think, "ideal" casual sex scenario? A single woman on vacation abroad, a place where she doesn't know anyone. Handsome local with very little grasp of the woman's language besides choice lines of poetry, however he can't seem too sleazy or too pick-up artist. In fact maybe it's better if he's not a local but is also on vacation (and still a foreigner to the woman) so it wouldn't seem like he does this kind of thing all of the time. They originally meet on the beach and later meet at a steamy dance club and the rest is history. In this case it's better if the man is interesting and romantic, the woman still won't expect a future since she knows once the vacation is over she'll likely never see the guy again.

Now that's exactly what I've experienced in real life as well (besides the beach and the guy description). That's the typical situation. Women seem way more eager if they think they're never going to see that guy again in their life.

What interests me more, tho, is how to have a "sex-only" relationship. That is, not just sex once (one night stand) but many times, without the need to be together all the time or to be planning a future or whatever.
What type of guy would that have to be? And/or what type of woman?

[siamesesilk]

What would a man have to do, where and how, and what kind of man would he have to be (looks, character) for you to agree to have casual sex with him? Meaning you would know that it will be casual and nothing more.

Please be honest. I know you have rules, but they all can be bent if you meet the perfect guy or the circumstances are just right (like nobody will know about you having sex with him). That's what I'm interested in.

Okay, I will give you my take on this because it did happen to me once. I should mention that I am currently happily married and have been for almost thirteen years. This happened almost fifteen years ago, when I was 22 and in college.

I met a man who I was previously introduced to, but we were not friends yet at that time. (he dated my next door neighbor several years previously). When we met again (by chance), we had the opportunity to talk one on one for a few hours in person. I had always thought this person was very attractive, to me. Even today, if I see him, I am still attracted to him. There is something connecting us in that way. I can't explain it well, but it's there. (Not that I would ever cheat on my husband, because I wouldn't). I believe though that he feels this too. Even when we had stopped seeing eachother, we still found each other attracted to one another, but did not persue a relationship.

We both had commitment issues at the time (we both had broken up with ex's in serious relationships) and so we both were not looking for a serious relationship at the time. I think both of us wern't even looking for sex either (I wasn't), but all I can say is the pull was strong. So strong in fact that we had our first sexual encounter three days after our first meeting. We were both very respectful to eachother, we talked on the phone from time to time, he sometimes would call me "sweetie".We also had promised eachother that we wouldn't have sex with anyone else while we were together, so in a way the sex was monogomus, but we didn't focus on the relationship (if that makes any sense). I had Tuesdays and Thursdays off from school. I had to work at night and he normally worked nights, so it was kind of a strangely perfect situation. Our casual encounter lasted for almost six months. Then, I realized that I was starting to fall in love with him. He was sensitive, smart, good looking, gentle and he was focused and driven in his work. I was focused on my work and school as well. I didn't tell him that I was starting to fall in love with him, and if he felt the same of me he didn't say either. I finally agreed that this was not going to work for me anymore. Even though I still wanted him, I wanted more from him.

It was fun, very fun and even though we didn't commit with the relationship at the time, we both regretted not doing that later. I wasn't with anyone after him for a year and a half until I met my husband. I couldn't do it, as I was waiting for him so to speak. He asked a friend about me when I was engaged to my husband. I was over him, but thought what it would have been like to be in a more loving relationship with him. He is also currently married and has been for five years. I have nothing else to say about it, except that I don't regret what we had at the time because even though it was casual, it was still special between us.

[danas]

The last time I was in this situation was when I met this very very sexy guy, we both clicked instantly, but after a date or two I realised I really dont have much to talk about with him and it wouldnt be long term for me, so for that moment I just decided to enjoy the physical (he actually said- dont you think its too soon...) but he became my lover for a couple of weeks. he was really good at it. and I really didnt intend it to be more than it was.

[moviestar]

A survey done in my country indicated that men have an average of 7 sex partners in their life whereas women have 4.

That survey only tells us that women lie more often than men .


That's a very nice story Michelle. Things are starting to clarify. Women need to not seek for relationships at the time or decide for themselves that they don't want it, then casual sex is OK.
This brings me to an important question: if you are married, you are not seeking for a relationship right? So is casual alright then? (assuming that your husband wouldn't EVER know, like you went on a vacation to Jamaica alone and you met this hot Bob Marley look-a-like and he would sing sweet love songs...)

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by moviestar

That survey only tells us that women lie more often than men .

Or vice versa. In all likelihood, people have 5.5 sex partners in their life.

Were these people 20, 30, 40, 50, or 60 years old?

[Susie]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Or vice versa. In all likelihood, people have 5.5 sex partners in their life.

Were these people 20, 30, 40, 50, or 60 years old?

I'll bet if you surveyed only people who lived in big cities the numbers would be higher...or is that a mistaken notion of mine? And maybe people under age 35 since more and more people nowadays are delaying marriage and therefore have more partners before they finally settle down, if they ever do. All I know is that in my circle of friends/acquaintences living in San Francisco, all of them surpassed those numbers during their 20's.

[siamesesilk]

This brings me to an important question: if you are married, you are not seeking for a relationship right? So is casual alright then? (assuming that your husband wouldn't EVER know, like you went on a vacation to Jamaica alone and you met this hot Bob Marley look-a-like and he would sing sweet love songs...)

Ha ha, well, I would guess that you would have to answer that question for yourself. But, if it were me, I wouldn't have another casual sexual experience outside of my marriage. If I were widowed or divorced, maybe in time, but I again, I wouldn't be searching for it, as before. I feel that if you are not satisfied sexually with the person you are married to, then either you need to figure out some solutions, decide if sex isn't that improtant to you, or end the relationship. Remember there are always consequences to your actions.

[bellbird]

Bob Marley look-a-like?? That's obviously your fantasy mate... anyway:

This brings me to an important question: if you are married, you are not seeking for a relationship right? So is casual alright then? (assuming that your husband wouldn't EVER know, like you went on a vacation to Jamaica alone and you met this hot Bob Marley look-a-like and he would sing sweet love songs...)

Nope: no casual while married/de facto etc. Thing is, I have to agree, that if there's something off key in the relationship one might venture into another one. About 4 years ago that happened to me and it was time my partner and I cleared up some hidden issues. I got very very close to 'venturing' and I wasn't looking for it either... I'm not proud of what I did but we realised the situation arised because there was room for it... We let it happen, the both of us. So it could have been a casual thing with the other guy, but it was not worth it getting there for me in the end. So what I'm saying is; when you are in a healthy wonderful relationship that is satisfying, there would definitely be no need what so ever to be 'shopping' around. Or to be tempted either...

So no Bob Marley or smouldering french man for me thanks.....

[Susie]

I have to nix the married woman idea, too-- not more likely to go for no strings. I'd have to say many married woman who have affairs may be looking for an "out" from their marriage (so not no-strings), also they say for married woman affairs are often about emotional needs not just sex-- whereas when men cheat it's often about just sex. Though maybe I'm wrong, I'm just going on what I've heard/read/deduced-- not firsthand experience!

[bellbird]

Hmm Susie I am thinking about your emotional needs suggestion. Not sure yet. For me it was really being in love with... love. (If you like to put lust there, fine too ) So meaning: I'm not sure it is an emotional need thing for a lot of women, it can be boredom too or not feeling wanted or valued enough?

[IndigoKim]

Hmmm... perfect scenario?

On vacation in a tropical location. Cute guy, good dancer, lots of fun, we were attracted, he was 8 years younger than me, he thought I was hot, I needed some, so I got some...

End of (true) story!

(Not something I normally do, but you know what?... it's all good!)

[moviestar]

Now that's a good story. I bet he looked like Bob Marley .