Family mess, please help

[soccer7]

Hi guys , I'm having a tough time figuring out some stuff and i would like to get some second opions to perhaps clear up a few things.

I have address this issue elsewhere on this forums, but as a continueation to my problems i thought it deserves it's own thread.

My family includes a my parents, me and 2 younger brothers.
my parents don't like each other, my mum owes alot of dept and has left my family to work elsewhere and to hide from the dept collectors.

My dad seeing the oportunity decides to bring home another lady, which i think is wrong. My dad is hard to get along, i have tried and ended up regretting it. My mother tells me that if i want i can just leave, go and find an apartment somewhere.

My dad goes out all night with this new lady, or he stays home in his room with her, he doesn't really care about my younger brothers much, leaving me in charge of them most of the time so he can go out worried free.

I don't know what else to do now, my family is breaking up. my mum has told him to stop having his affair in front of the kids, meaning my brothers, cause i already know. But he continues to bring that lady home all day.

I really want to move out. My mum is going to come back and take one of my bothers and move somewhere else, then i can have the option of living with her or move out myself. I don't know what to do, i feel sorry for my brothers, and don't want them to be seperated. I also feel sory for my mum who need financial and emotional support.

Can anyone give me some suggestions, thanks.

[soccer7]

ok i just did something i'm not very proud of,

moments later my mother called and told me to go and do something to the lady's car, i didn't really want to get involve and do this but i was convinced that it was my responsibility and also the right thing, so i scratched her car with my keys.

if i hadn't done this, my mother would dislike me, but if i do do it then i would have to face up with the consequence. So it was a decision between my mum's love and trust against safety from consequence of evil action.

my intuition and friends said that what i did is wrong and ego based, and that the person who told me to do this also had ego based judgement ... like revenge. I became convinced that this was the right thing to do, and against my level of comfortness i gave in and did what i was told to do.

I was told to lie and deny my actions if asked by my dad, but as i mentioned in the "honesty is courage" thread posted in Character & Contribution, i believe that lies are for the weak and cowardly, and as person who is trying to overcome my fears, i should own up and take responsibility for my actions.

i think i will, no, i know i will, he's going to ask tommorow or the day after, i'm sure he'll ask tommorow. oh man, i think i'v just shorten my life span. hope i make it out alive to post the results of all this.

[maclinda]

Do you have a trusted adult relative or friend you can talk to? Your problem is pretty complex to get help here.

And if you are underage, and your brothers are, you all need to be looked after.

[Adrienne]

Soccer.

Its been a few days since you posted this. Has anything changed?
Anything you want to add?

I would love to help, but i want to make sure i have all the info..

Adrienne

[soccer7]

well adrienne, alot has happen, and i have a feeling some more is coming my way, however the road ahead of me is a little safer now that the fog has cleared abit.

I posted an update to my problems on the i don't have enough courage thread, which raises the same issue.

here is the update i posted on that thread :

Update on my life :

she came over the next day, noticing this i went to my room and hide, because i was afraid and didn't know what to say. I didn't get to eat much and was in my room for a long time, feeling very miserable. Then finally she knocked and asked to talk to me.

"This is it, hope this goes well" i thought to myself. We sat opposite each other and i crossed my arms to try to appear confident and calm, but actaully trying to reason with my heart that there is nothing to fear and that it shouldn't beat so fast.

She straight forwardly asked "I just want to know did you scratch my car ?" At this point i had enough of ego and fear based thinking, I had already decided to do the right thing, i had just written a post on honesty means courage, so lying now would be a contridiction on my values and beliefs, and i'm no hypicrite.

I straighten my back and said " Yes it was me, I did it"

She smiled and complimented me for being honest with her, she said
"I admire your honesty, you proved to me that you are man who takes responsibility for his actions, the truth is I already knew that it was you, its quite obvious really. I just wanted to see what type of person you are.

she continues
"I could have called the cops and report this is a threat, but i admire your honesty and understand the way you feel about my presence, perhaps i also didn't get to explain the whole situation to you properly and might have caused a misunderstanding, so i forgive you.
I understand that you must think i'm evil and trying cause trouble for your family, but let me explain ..... "

It was a long conversation, towards the end my fear died down and i started to talk more. I agreed to many aspects of what she said, my intuition would butt in from time to time saying
'yep thats true, yep yep, she's telling the truth, i can smell it'

Somewhere during the conversation, my intuition told me to apologise, so i said "After everything you said, i'm not sure wheather you were lying or not, but if what you say is true and that i have misunderstood somethings, then i want to say i'm sorry for the car " she smiled and laughed abit, kind of hung back at what i said, i'm not sure. I felt stupid after that but laughed it off telling myself i did good.

In the end the lady gave me her mobile number and name and told me to give this to my mum so she can discuss this further with my mum to solve the problem.

The fact is, my mother doesn't understand the whole story and fueled with rage and revenge, and perhaps misunderstood a few concepts, decide to call upon my royalty and love to do her bidding. My urntie doesn't know the whole story either, so having her own opion of who is right and wrong, supports my mum.

Maybe i'm wrong too, perphas the whole conversation yesterday was just a bunch of cleverly planed out lies deviced by that lady and my dad, who knows for sure, I'm just gona go with my intuition, since that's a part of me i belive i can trust.

I believe this to be a valuebale life experience that will shape the way i think and feel in the future, i now have more courage and motivation to grow further.

So its all good now, i am glad for the conversation, and feel fortunate for the way things have turned out, it could have been worst, don't you all agree ?

here's another update (oh man i feel guilty for making this so long) :

yesterday i think, my mum called me up asking how everything went with the car scratching thing, i said i will not do anything else to cause pain or misery to the lady anymore, she asked why.

I replied "I don't think its the right thing to do anymore, I'm abit confused on who is right or wrong, and as such i don't think its right for me to interven. Why don't you talk to her mum, you guys can discuss things out. This could all just be a misunderstanding on both sides."

Eventually they chat and the lady told my mum she won't be coming over to my house anymore if it means that much to my mum. So that was that.

Just this evening my mum called me up to talk about something, but she said her credit was running low so i have to call her back, but when i did the mobile was out of battery or something, so i'm just gona wait till tommorow to see what it was that was important she wanted to say.

My mum wants to break up with my dad pernamently, and seperate the kids when she comes back, cause she can't handle both while working to pay back her dept, while not having any is too lonely. So now she is planning to take the smallest brother away.

Sigh ~ i do'nt know, i try not to think about it, but when i do i can't help but feel sorrow and sadness. I know this post is abit lengthy, but i couldn't express how i felt any clearer with fewer lines.

if you get to this part, then thanks for reading my story, at least someone will understand.

[Red Willow]

I don't have much advise to give, but I want to commend you for taking a very bad family situation and learning to grow from it. You sound very mature and your brothers are very lucky to have a big brother like you to depend on while your parents figure everything out. I wish you the best.

[Acting Like Godot]

Soccer:

I think you're a great guy. I admire you.

I hope you just remember that whatever you do, even if you later realise that you made mistakes or failed to do the best thing, don't be hard on yourself because you ARE in a difficult situation where the optimal solutions are very hard to find.

[Adrienne]

Soccer
I think it is great that you owned up to your actions and that you have gotten some answers. You seem to be handling this well. I am impressed

On a quasi helpful note… I think the most important thing is the question. “What is best for the kids?”
Certainly while I can understand wanting to have 1 of the kids because that is all that can be afforded and not having any is lonely for the parent. What about the kids? (by kids I mean you as well because you are one of the people effected.)

I know right now you feel upheaval and sadness and conflict, and a large variety of other emotions as well. Dwelling on it doesn’t help. What I have to offer is the following..

Situations can make or break you. You can turn out well because of your situation in life or in spite of it. You can learn or you can wallow. Yeah, the situation around you sucks. And it test your character, your reason, and your sense of self. So how do you want to take it? Turn it around and grow beyond it, or let it pull you down?

As to what some people would refer to as more practical advice…
Work hard to pull yourself out the situation you are in. If this means working 2 jobs ( I don’t know your age), going to school while working 40 hours a week, building a business, whatever, just do it. Set some clear goals and work for them. This does a couple things. It gives you a light at the end of the tunnel and keeps you busy so home life is not your entire world. You then also set a good example for your younger siblings, and as they get older are in a better position to help them.

Good luck

Adrienne

[MementoMori]

Soccer7-

Seems you have better judgement than most of the adults around you. Don't lose that or be swayed by bad example. My impression is you are keenly aware of what is right/wrong and prefer to live, behave properly and morally.


Despite what I assume is your younger age, your mind is very good. IMO, your parents should quit subjecting their children to their problems/fall-out.

It'd be beautiful if you could keep that clear-mindedness you have. YOU did the right thing in the end. Stay smart, stay strong!

[soccer7]

Wow, thanks everyone for all those kind words, i really enjoy reading them. I cant help but get a 'big head' after reading some of the compliments, hehe.

Just a little update, my mum tells me that she will take away the small brother and live somewhere else, but she is going to wait till he at least finishes this year of school, before she moves him out with her and put him in a new school. Next year he's going to moved to high school anyways, so its all good.

So overall, things have settled down, the lady hasn't come over since the last chat with my mum, they have come to a conclusion about it i guese.

Once in a while my mum calls up for confirmation asking if she has been coming over or not. I'm just happy for my mum knowing she is taking it easy, now that the whole thing is worked out.

This could have ended worst, but it didnt, so ...
Lucky me,

[Basu]

umm... are you in college? Will you be finishing school soon? If the latter, here's my suggestion:
Go to college, preferably somewhere far from home (and your mother). Don't call home more than once a week. Spend the first semester looking around and decide what you want to do with the next ten years of your life. Then spend the next three years learning whatever you have to in order to make life the way you want it.
Stay in touch with your brothers. Talk to them about their hopes and dreams, make sure that they know what they want and help them find out how to get it. In short, focus your energies. Your dad doesn;t seem to want your love, fine, don't give it to him. Save it for your brothers and maybe your mother (and for yourself). You seem to be getting a grip on your life. Make sure it stays that you.
Good Luck
and the Force will be with you.